First, thank you to everyone who posted their experiences and thoughts.I have read them and am soaking it all in......some days I get so mad at him for the lies told.I'm not dumb, I see through them and have even found the truth when I asked others. He knows I know about the lieing.....I can tell from the tone in his voice to the way he writes a sentence when he does lie.
I know this had to be a exeptionally painful post for Marty to relive and for that....I am sorry. I very clearly remember the night Marty posted that Micheal was killed. Something that I will
never ever forget. I urge him to go to Marty's website and read Micheal's page. As I said my grandfather also was killed by a drunk driver so I can understand Marty's feelings.
He reads lil beginnings occasionally and once asked me about something I posted last fall to Marty on a thread. I explained her son was killed by a drunk/drug up driver. So he should kinda recall....but he should read Micheal's website. I can't make him but hope out of RESPECT he takes the time to do it.
I wasn't told about this DUI situation until around mid March of this year. So this kinda came as a huge shock for me, the DUI's. I was called by him to basically say, good bye. That he thought he would be going away for awhile pending his court case. It was kinda a not much info call...just drop the bomb and go.
Looking back not sure why he even told me then...other than he was scared maybe and of course that was the start of getting caught up in the web. My nature is to care...help my friends. If only I knew now what I didn't then.....I would have done things differently.....not turn my back but just get more truth before jumping in to help.
Let me say, never before this did I suspect 4 DUI or a history. Yeah, I had heard he drank to much at some events from other friends but our friendship never really had that go on. He knows I'm not a huge drinker and was ok with it.....
I felt we really built a nice friendship, even though we live in neighboring states.....I felt like he was like a brother and he sure seemed like he was glad to have a friend so guess I thought it was a mutual respected friendship. We could talk about anything and could laugh and joke and just shoot the breeze like guys do about daily life for hours on the phone. It was great because I felt like I had a best friend. That's kinda hard nowdays for guys to have best buds and share simalar interests and just hit it off and can talk about anything. Maybe it's easier for gals to find a best friend but I kid you not it's hard to find a true blue best buddy when your in your 30's.......it's just different with guys. Probably because guys just don't talk about stuff much in general. But we just hit it off from the start because we shared similar interests and both lived in rural reas...close in ages etc.
All those months leading up to March he never said a peep about any problems he had.....I mean nothing....he talked like everything was normal. He knew I would listen as he confided on some other personal stuff before and I listened. I remember he had a health issue back before Christmas.....he was pretty scared and called me up and as soon as I heard that voice change pitch...I knew he was worried and somthing was wrong. I was really shook up because I thought he needed to see a doctor ASP but with a new job his health insurance hadn't kicked in yet.... he was like no, I'll be ok....just forget I said anything. I called him back about a hour later and asked him to describe the issues he had......I had brought up some links on the net and said ok......lets talk about this and get you in somewhere...he was like no I gotta go......just forget about it.
For 2 days I searched the net for some free medical care for him.....I came up with nothing. I tried to put it out of my mind but couldn't. I was really worried as I had relatives have this symptom in years past and it was a huge sign for cancer. Finally, I couldn't take it anymore and I phoned his dad and told him. I felt I owed it to him as a friend to tell his family. I was caught in a situation where I had to choose to ignore it like he wanted or do something logical to help.
I just didn't want him to die from something because of health insurance issues. And for all I knew, maybe it was medically minor in nature but I just took it serious because your health is serious stuff and you don't mess with it(my family has had alot of health issues over the years).
He knew I told his dad.....and I had good reason to go over his head. When I told him about it, it was about the first time in a long time that I broke down and cried like a baby because the whole thing was just alot to deal with. He seemed ok about it, almost relieved that his dad knew. Weird part is he never said if he ever went to the doctor so now(today) I look back and honestly wonder if that was true or another lie.
All last winter things were good.....we talked at least once or twice a week by phone. Chatted online when we had time. I'm a talker and so was he.......never heard about a DUI or even that his license was revoked! My god, I just realized he drove me in his truck this past winter....he couldn't have had a license then. :no:
Jill had asked if he lived in Iowa...no. A close state nearby.
That whole issue from March on has just been weird. In lock up detenion for 5 days...then out on appeal. I got snippets of info from him but also some major attitude when I asked how this came about.
What bothered me was he knew the seriousness of the DUI issue and wanted my support. Which he got because ....he showed alot of remorse and really seemed to get it. Although he led me to believe it wasn't 4 DUI's.....more like his second and now I know the truth. He was really trying to get his life together in late March....never touched a drink while I was there visiting. I vouched for him to his dad......because I thought he really ''got the message'' after being locked up 5 days. He seemed pretty shook up how life would be in detention work release program. I told his dad....I think he is gonna be ok if he keeps his head screwed on straight and focuses on his goals. AND boy, he had some good goals to reach for in life. Plans that CAN'T happen if you drink.......I don't care how good he thinks he is....skill wise...NOBODY in this world will hire a drunk....and it lasts....coming out successful. But something changed in him in April after I left...others saw it too.....he just didn't care about nothing that used to be important.
What makes me mad is I feel now.....after things have unfolded over time....I have caught him in blatent lies about the situation. There always were 4 DUI's.....he also drove while his license was revoked...of COURSE your gonna be punished! Yet he still snuck around driving backroads....that totally p*sses me off and he knows it. He is supposed to ride to work with someone....I sure hope he is doing that too.
He tells me about some A.A stuff and honsetly I don't think it's true because in a few sentences later he writes.....I only bought 2- 18 paks of beer all summer. I have cut loose on him so many times in a rant on responsibility...it isn't even funny. He must think I just fell off the turnip truck.....I asked him what liberal new age A.A. support group allows drinking? I mean come on.....
Tough love.....being nice, praying......tried it all. He seems to seek attention or some kind of super star status in his new found circle...... so I decided to use some reverse pshychology on him and just blow up all the truth he did at a certain big event(he thinks I don't hear when he drinks
: ) I figured...your proud of what you did at this event and that you took time off work to travel out of state to go...... while out on bail for your court pending DUI appeal....so lets just be honest. Hey, it was the truth after all...so nothing to be ashamed of unless your lieing to people that were there about stuff.
You know what, he didn't like the attention.....and he misses the point on why I did it. He got pretty snotty and wasn't so cocky like he thinks he is.....actions have consquences and he knew that going.
I spelled it out.....let's part ways....it's obvious that's what you want, no friends....I'm not going to sugar coat things that are wrong that he feels aren't. I get no reply back from him......he can't deal with ''feelings''. Feelings are just too hard and your weird if you have them and he wouldn't dare talk to a professional trained to help or a court appointed offical because he thinks that's ''gay''.............well that's just cr-ap and he knows it! More excuses for not seeking help.
Well, guess what? it will be even harder when the court appeal comes up and reckoning day comes for serving time and losing a drivers license for years. I can see now a court appeal is NOTHING but a stalling out period for him to live up the summer....have a party in his pants with ''the girlfriend''(the same one who fed him Crown 7's that bragged about last fall and yeah that is really gonna get him better, being sarcastic here) and drink drink drink at every chance he gets. Yeah, I'm p*ssed...I vouched for this guy to his dad that he was on a right track in life and showed he wanted to deal with the issues, now months later.....he can't even try to stay clear of alcohol till his COURT APPEAL happens. Why appeal then, go straight to jail.....it's senseless and a waste of money to appeal. Time to grow up, it's 4 DUI's this is REAL SERIOUS......he's almost pushing 40....not some young kid confused. I don't want to hear any excuses about how hard life was or is for him...he has a really good family and life. He's got parents who bend over backwards for him. They love him...his friends care.......but boy no more crap, I'm done. He wants to lie to the girlfriend about this situation, the guy on the street, anyone......his business. I won't get sucked in the web of worrying about innocent people getting hurt because of lies to save his pride. I don't owe that to him....I have been a good friend , my intentions of friendship were honest and real. I question really if his were the same or he's just a user....he won't talk about it...he shows no remorse(or even said he's sorry) to what he has done to my feelings or the friendship.
I'll put up with alot but the arrogance he has now is sickening.......I don't think I'm better or judge him...he knows that but I do expect truth and common decency. That snotty crap he pulls and the constant lies.....I'm done.
Marty, I wish Dan could kick his but because I'd be there to help...he needs it. He's got a big loud bragging mouth and has no regard for the law/rules or friendship...I'm sure not scared to let him know it. He doesn't have a clue how tough I can be,,,,,,, If his mom only knew what crap he has pulled......she'd do the but kicking on him.
I'm sorry guys but he knows what he needs to do and I spelled it out many many times crystal clear....to him. He gets that done and gets some help for his problem, serves his punishment......I'm glad to be his friend if he can show me he has changed. Until then...I AM gonna be the bad a-ss he hates.....I don't care.
My biggest character fault is I care too much about my friends well being. I'm not trying be a martyr or saint as I am not perfect and make mistakes too.....I own up to them...just as I am right now by acknowledging that I got sucked in.
Maybe it makes me a weanie and uncool....he laughed and called me weird last week along with some other choice words. Well, guess what? I don't care, I never asked to get sucked in the web he weaved....I have a clean record and no DUI's. If that makes me weird...then yeah...call me weird.
I'm not his moral conscience .....I can't help no more. I only pray that the next time he thinks about a drink he gets real with himself........once in his life. There's nothing to be ashamed of that you can't drink.....it doesn't make you any less of a man and free booze at a big event isn't a invitation to get snockered. I hope he thinks about that on his next big trip your planning this Sept.
Incase he does read this............
IMHO.....YOU don't deserve to go anywhere but work and your home......you punish your horses and dogs for doing wrong things that are unacceptable behavior....try your training method on yourself! A reward by going to any event is just another excuse to drink and YOU know it.
Stop using your dad/family/friends to get what you want!
Sorry for the extra long post......post if you want ...maybe he will read it and get a wake up call. There are some really smart people here with good advice and kind hearts and thanks again to all for taking the time to post.
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It felt good to get this off my chest....but I'm still mad and he knows exactly why I am.
Hoping that passes someday.