How would you feel if you found out................

[Russ]

How would you feel? Disgusted, mad, what? At first I was very supportive and have tried hard to be a good friend but I see more lies and old habits that keep happening.....it's hard to help someone when they don't feel they have a problem.

Would you feel betrayed if you were mislead on how many offenses the person actually had? Then you come to find out instead of 2 times it's been 4.

As far as I'm concerned after one offense their is a problem.....but this person always has a excuse on why they were picked up wrongly...loud muffler etc.. If this person told you the court made them go to a alcohol treatmentment program....and then you found out they were drinking again....would you be mad that they blew it again?

I had a grandfather killed by a drunk driver while he mowing lawn on a riding mower. I was only 4 but do remember.

I have strong feelings on no drinking if your driving......I guess I do care about my friend.....but am sooooo fed up. They could have the world by the tail if they could just deal with this issue......instead they choose smoke screen and lies.

I will never get through this persons head how much they are hurting themselves and others by their actions..........

For the record...I'm not a prude about alcohol....but I think when your dealing with 4 DUI's it's time to face the music that you need help badly before you kill someone on the road or yourself or both.

Do I walk away from this person forever.....or keep drumming the truth in their head?

 

[Ashley]

Well honestly I think if you get one dui you have a problem. I am not a big drinker but do drink some, and have no problems with people who drink as long as they have control of it. Just something I dont have a high tolerance of.

Would I dump my friends because of it? No, I would not they are screwing up there life, but as long as they are not messing with mine what they do is there buisness. NOw if they harmed someone then yes.

Haveing said that I dated somebody who had 8 and did prision time. NEVER AGAIN

 

[alongman]

I see the effects of what happens to those people - wasted lives, innocent lives lost, etc.... Once is too many! Take the car, take the keys, take the license. Driving is a right that is earned and others rely on your competence. If you can't handle it - take a bus or walk!

 

[Chaos Ranch]

Send them to Michael's website.

:

Edited to say that I replied a second time below... had too much to say on this subject to say it all in one sentence.

 

[SunQuest]

Russ,

It is a tough place to be. Until your friend admits to having a problem to his or her self, there is nothing you can do to get them to come to terms or help them with it. Your feelings are all very valid. It is so very tough.

For the record, my hubby got a DUI a year ago. As defined by my sister in-law who is a probation officer for those doing sentences for drug offenses including drinking, the minute that there is law enforcement involved there is a HUGE problem. That was her official definition.

Only you can decide how much to put up with. Trying to convince your friend that they have a problem won't work. All you can do is be a friend but let them bail themselves out of trouble. You can't help them until they desperately want help to deal with the underlying issues that cause them to turn to dependancy to run from those issues. Don't encourage the behavior, and don't run from it either. Do what is right for you and if they follow, then so be it. Easier said than done. I know. I have so much to learn about dealing with an alcoholic and I have already learned that I CAN NOT change them. I can only control how I react to the situation.

Sorry I am not any more help, but trust me, there are many on here who have been in your shoes and are better suited to give advice than I am as they have walked much further on this road.

Good luck, hang in there, and know you are not alone in what you feel.

 

[Lisa-Ruff N Tuff Minis]

I am a recovering drug addict.. been clean since I was 18 years old. Started when I was 11 and by 12 was doing things most adults never even seen in their life.

I can see both sides of this.. as a mother and human being I thing it is one of the most atrocious (sp) things you can do to drive drunk. Screwing up your own life and family is sad enough and your choice .. risking and killing others and ruining families who have NO CHOICE is a whole other ballgame. Not killing anyone YET is no excuse the key word there is YET cause it WILL HAPPEN.

As a friend you can try to be there, try to be supportive, try to help however at some point when you see no changes you MUST LET GO- to not do so is enabling them, condoning it and not allowing them to reach rock bottom. It is allowing them to continue to practice the art of manipulation something alcoholics and addicts are amazing at!

At this point my suggestion is to do what works for you otherwise you start the passive agressive resentment of most who are involved with alcoholics and then.. you are messing yourself up as well. All you can do is say when you get it togther I will be here for you, if you need help in doing so I will be here for you until then you are on your own.

That saying love enough to let them go applies in a situation like this it is hard very hard when you feel you are needed and can help but no one can help until the alcoholic WANTS help

It becomes a sick game of cat and mouse and eventually everyone gets so sucked in it is very hard to get out and you end up with not only the alcoholic who is very sick.. but those around them who are just as addicted to the situation and manipulation

If yoiu really need help dealing with it I suggest you go to al-anon.. it will be a huge eye opener for you and how easy it is to get stuck in the "game" how you each draw eachother back in - how it becomes an excuse for everyone involved- those to drink more since you just dont understand and for those others who dont drink or use it as a reason they are stuck - DONT BE A MARTER it wont help anyone especially the alcoholic

 

[Chaos Ranch]

I have for the past 13 years applied a saying to my life's situations that a friend once told me. If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem.

If you love your friend, you need to be there for them when they need you the most... which is normally when no one else will be anywhere near them. Try to find a solution, any effort you make to help them will make you a better person and someday that friend of yours will look back and know who truely cared, who was really honestly there for them..... but the thing is, you're not just doing it for your friend... you'd be doing it for every single vehicle, every school playground, every park, every home with kids in the yard that they would be driving past.

I can never think of drinking and driving the same after what happened to Marty's beautiful son Michael. I can't help but to feel a rage inside at the mere thought of selfish irresponsibility... the kind that can shatter the hopes and dreams of innocent families. When my kids talk to their friends about drinking, or doing drugs they tell their friends about Michael. They send them to his website.

That being said, I feel like being a solution for this friend is to get them to see that so far they have been lucky, so far they have avoided hurting or killing themselves or someone else. Luck does not hold out forever and it's not "if" something happens ... if they continue it will be "when" something happens.

I spent August of last year being torn apart inside by the raw terrifying emotions that Marty and her family were faced with while she and I built his website. There is no way after seeing proof in such a horrible degree that I could ever drink and drive.

Please take your friend to Michael's website. Ask them to please read each page. Let Michael speak to them as only he can through his story of his life and loss. Be the friend that they know they can count on even when they are not being good. Everyone needs someone that will be there through the big nasty ugly venture that life can sometimes take you on. There's something that person is trying to numb and ignore by their drinking... talk to them about what it might be.

 

[River1018]

Very difficult situation.

Just my thoughts on the topic.

You are justified to feel anyway that you "feel" I too would be very angry, hurt, worried for both themselves and our friendship, a whole range of emotions.

It depends on the depth of your frienship an how involved you feel comfortable getting I guess.

I do believe that very close/loyal friends should be there for eachother during the good AND the bad times in eachothers lives to a point. Its during the bad times that friends sometimes need eachother the most and they may not even realize it.

I do believe that we need to take care of ourselves too tho.

It depends on how emotionally involved you really want to become and you are the only one that can answer that. Sounds like with the word "deny" in there, that this person obviously is in need of a friend or help of some sort. In a situation like this where lives are involved because of this drinking and driving, tough love is probably called for. Reminds me of the "intervention" show that I have seen on tv.

If you feel that you need to step back emotionally, you need to do what you need to do. Perhaps you could just lay it out that you care very much for them, want to continue your friendship with them and will do what you can to turn them in the direction of someone that can help them such as a Dr. etc but they must get help for your friendship to continue for their sake and for yours.

In a matter of physical saftey, I would do what I had to do. Other people shouldn't be paying the price.

Just my thoughts on a tough topic. :no:

Just remember your feelings are your feelings and you have a right to those feelings. Also remember that there are times that we can't no matter how much we try, make someone see the right way. We can only help to guide.

 

[Jill]

Four is a lot... ONE is a lot. How many times to you think a person actually does drive drunk before they are caught? (My hunch -- A LOT).

With that many DUI's, I think your friend needs some serious professional / medical help. That's not just a casual drinker, but someone with an illness and an addiction... I can understand what a big mix of emotions you must be feeling and the frustration, too, since "you" cannot fix this at all. Only the person with the problem can when they are finally ready.

 

[Marty]

You tell that son of a *B* friend of yours I hate him and there is NO EXCUSE for what he does. NONE!.

You tell him that because of that stupid selfish act of drunkenness and drugs that my boy had

deleted by me due to graphic nature

And he lived for hours.........fighting to live being pieced together like a darn puzzle. And he wasn't even on the darn road! That's what drunk drivers do to good honest people that never hurt anyone in their lives. They make hateful, bitter people out of us who just wanted to be happy and now all Dan and I want is vengence.

You tell that guy that my son Dan, the quiet shy one who never got in trouble in his life is now one mean bad a __ of a guy who has no patience for this just like me.

You put that friend of yours in a room with my Daniel for 30 seconds and I guarantee you that guy will never drink and drive again......that's if he is able to come out

I AM MADD..........I have been a member for over 20 years of MOTHERS AGAINST DRUNK DRIVERS.......but I never thought I would BE ONE!

I hate being so awful.

Welcome to my life!

I WANT MY BABY BACK!

 

[Jill]

Russ --

Just coming back to say that maybe this person has driven drunk even more than I originally thought (being so used to the busy roads her in VA).

The ONE time I did ever drive after drinking was in your state

I was there on business and met two associates in Des Moines along with my dad (business partner). The three of them were real drunk. I was tipsy not really stopping to think how were Dad and I getting from Des Moines to Panara... Ended up, I drove home from there using one of the associate's cars (as they'd planned all along, but I didn't even think on it until I'd drank most of a bottle of wine).

I was really scared to be driving after drinking in a state I didn't know and in a very expensive, big and dangerous SUV. But thank God the roads there are very empty compared to here, very wide, and very straight w/o hills and turns. I got to the town fine in the middle of the night and maybe saw a dozen other cars (75 miles...).

So, if your friend is also in IA, I just wonder if my estimation of driving drunk A LOT was even low?

Not good.

Jill

 

[SunQuest]

Russ,

I want to add some more to my post. Take a copy or get your friend to log on and read Marty's post when they are sobber....

Marty, Bless you. Your posts coveigh the hurt and the selfishness that DUI offenders can and do cause. I have to tell you Marty that your post last year saying just what you said on this thread is what my husband needed to hear.

Marty, I forced my husband to read it first thing after litterally not talking to him for 4 days. I made him read it out loud to me so I knew he read it. By the end of your post his tone of voice went from somewhat billigerent to sorrowful. It made the impression that was needed.

Russ, I can honestly and absolutely say that Marty's post made more of an impression than anything else that I could have forced (or tried to force) him to do. My husband has not driven after drinking since reading her post. He rides his bicycle if he thinks he has to go to a festival in the park where they have alcohol if I refuse to go with him. I have seen him ride that bicycle 12 miles one way just so he could be part of the Fat Tire bike rally this weekend. And you know what? I made him ride home as well.

Use Marty's hurt and anger. Make those posts and Marty's loss of her beloved son useful. The pure hatred and hurt is there. It may be the key to turning your friend's life around. At the very least, WHEN your friend kills someone, then you at least know you did everything you could including telling them what will happen if this continues.

 

[ChrystalPaths]

Yes, what Marty said.....if you care at all for this friend...sit him down...open Micheal's page...if that doesn't work, put him on the phone with her. No excuse for it, ultimatum time as a friend for sure.

 

[Pepipony]

I can feel Martys hate inside me as well. My BIL was a true Jekyll/Hyde and he refused to think he had a problem. 3 DUIs later he finally drank himself to death. Not having the common sense to see what his drinking did to my sister, nephew and neice, I cannot forgive him. I would imagine that drunks get pulled over once for every hundred drunk drives. So 4 times!!??!!! I cant believe that his state hasnt stepped in. This person could no longer be my friend, if I stayed I would feel like I was a co-dependent and allowing the habit to continue.

This little chickie has no patience for drunks. None at all.

 

[MountainMeadows]

Russ,

I understand the situation that you are in -- but you are way over your head here. From a lifetime of lessons learned with alcoholic parents and the games that ALL alcoholics play, it would be well worth your time to visit an Al-ANON clinic. This is a group of people who teaches US how to live with people in our lives who we love and care for, but who are drug addicts. We cannot change them, they WILL use us until we are empty of any feelings at all - and while doing so not care one iota about the emotional roller coaster you are on.

I would highly suggest that YOU seek help, and once you have you will probably see that one of the best things that you can do for your friend & yourself is: DETACH WITH LOVE. Your counselors will work with you on how to convey this to your friend - he will probably not appreciate it one little bit - again the drugs in his sytem have warped his brain, and he will try, try, try to manipulate the situation so that you feel guilty about "abandoning" him. You are NOT abandoning him - you are saving yourself - it is critical to your wellbeing that you take good enough care of YOU, that when and if he does try to get things figured out that you will have some empathy left to be able to be there for him.

Definatley not something you can do on your own - help for YOU does exist, just as it does for him. This situation has already started hurting you, please don't let it drag you down any further - there is no room for being "wishy washy" and it does not mean that you don't care, but while your friend is using you really don't know who he really is, and neither does he!

Just my thoughts, but after spending 40 years of living with the situation, I feel that I have a pretty good perspective.

Stacy

 

[PaintedPromiseRanch]

ok if i can type through my tears after reading Marty's post...

sounds unrelated but bear with me. we lost a donkey a couple of years ago to a difficult birth (fetotomy)... it hurts to relive it but i tell the story when the opportunity arises in the hopes it will help someone else... and you all know Nikki here on the forum, her Petunia started having the same problem and because i had told her, the vet knew to watch for it and caught it in time. saving Petunia does not bring my beloved Bonny back and nothing can ever fix that, but somehow it DOES help to know it saved another. so DO have your friend read what Marty said, go to Michael's website, talk to Marty on the phone if need be... whatever it takes. nothing will bring Michael back to Marty and her family but if other lives are saved because of his loss, if another mother is spared Marty's anguish... somehow it does help...

 

[Reijel's Mom]

I have a soon to be (though I really hope not!) brother-in-law with 3 DUI's on his record. He continues to drive drunk on a barred license and it's STILL not his fault and I so wish my sister would leave him behind like the piece of garbage he is behaving like. Like your friend, NONE of them were his fault - the first one I'm not quite sure what the excuse was, the 2nd was he had a 4 wheeler in the back of his truck and the cops stopped him because a 4 wheeler had been called in stolen, and the 3rd was those darn tinted windows on his truck.

Like you, we are in Iowa - and I'm with Jill - in my opinion, you have to drive awful drunk a whole lotta times to get busted even once. And you have to be driving like a complete moron just about every time!

I don't know what the right answer is for you and your friend. I don't know what the right answer is for my sister and this fiance. I won't stop talking with my sister or completely shut him out because I just hope that he'll respond to those of us with some sense that have fun in much the same way he does at times without making completely irrational choices afterwards.

In your situation I may not desert the person but I'd sure take some offense to the fact that the person you are talking about lies to you. And I would let them know (my friends and I have this pact) that they can call you any time day or night if they shouldn't be driving and you WILL come and get them (if of course you are willing).

 

[Russ]

First, thank you to everyone who posted their experiences and thoughts.I have read them and am soaking it all in......some days I get so mad at him for the lies told.I'm not dumb, I see through them and have even found the truth when I asked others. He knows I know about the lieing.....I can tell from the tone in his voice to the way he writes a sentence when he does lie.

I know this had to be a exeptionally painful post for Marty to relive and for that....I am sorry. I very clearly remember the night Marty posted that Micheal was killed. Something that I will never ever forget. I urge him to go to Marty's website and read Micheal's page. As I said my grandfather also was killed by a drunk driver so I can understand Marty's feelings.

He reads lil beginnings occasionally and once asked me about something I posted last fall to Marty on a thread. I explained her son was killed by a drunk/drug up driver. So he should kinda recall....but he should read Micheal's website. I can't make him but hope out of RESPECT he takes the time to do it.

I wasn't told about this DUI situation until around mid March of this year. So this kinda came as a huge shock for me, the DUI's. I was called by him to basically say, good bye. That he thought he would be going away for awhile pending his court case. It was kinda a not much info call...just drop the bomb and go.

Looking back not sure why he even told me then...other than he was scared maybe and of course that was the start of getting caught up in the web. My nature is to care...help my friends. If only I knew now what I didn't then.....I would have done things differently.....not turn my back but just get more truth before jumping in to help.

Let me say, never before this did I suspect 4 DUI or a history. Yeah, I had heard he drank to much at some events from other friends but our friendship never really had that go on. He knows I'm not a huge drinker and was ok with it.....

I felt we really built a nice friendship, even though we live in neighboring states.....I felt like he was like a brother and he sure seemed like he was glad to have a friend so guess I thought it was a mutual respected friendship. We could talk about anything and could laugh and joke and just shoot the breeze like guys do about daily life for hours on the phone. It was great because I felt like I had a best friend. That's kinda hard nowdays for guys to have best buds and share simalar interests and just hit it off and can talk about anything. Maybe it's easier for gals to find a best friend but I kid you not it's hard to find a true blue best buddy when your in your 30's.......it's just different with guys. Probably because guys just don't talk about stuff much in general. But we just hit it off from the start because we shared similar interests and both lived in rural reas...close in ages etc.

All those months leading up to March he never said a peep about any problems he had.....I mean nothing....he talked like everything was normal. He knew I would listen as he confided on some other personal stuff before and I listened. I remember he had a health issue back before Christmas.....he was pretty scared and called me up and as soon as I heard that voice change pitch...I knew he was worried and somthing was wrong. I was really shook up because I thought he needed to see a doctor ASP but with a new job his health insurance hadn't kicked in yet.... he was like no, I'll be ok....just forget I said anything. I called him back about a hour later and asked him to describe the issues he had......I had brought up some links on the net and said ok......lets talk about this and get you in somewhere...he was like no I gotta go......just forget about it.

For 2 days I searched the net for some free medical care for him.....I came up with nothing. I tried to put it out of my mind but couldn't. I was really worried as I had relatives have this symptom in years past and it was a huge sign for cancer. Finally, I couldn't take it anymore and I phoned his dad and told him. I felt I owed it to him as a friend to tell his family. I was caught in a situation where I had to choose to ignore it like he wanted or do something logical to help.

I just didn't want him to die from something because of health insurance issues. And for all I knew, maybe it was medically minor in nature but I just took it serious because your health is serious stuff and you don't mess with it(my family has had alot of health issues over the years).

He knew I told his dad.....and I had good reason to go over his head. When I told him about it, it was about the first time in a long time that I broke down and cried like a baby because the whole thing was just alot to deal with. He seemed ok about it, almost relieved that his dad knew. Weird part is he never said if he ever went to the doctor so now(today) I look back and honestly wonder if that was true or another lie.

All last winter things were good.....we talked at least once or twice a week by phone. Chatted online when we had time. I'm a talker and so was he.......never heard about a DUI or even that his license was revoked! My god, I just realized he drove me in his truck this past winter....he couldn't have had a license then. :no:

Jill had asked if he lived in Iowa...no. A close state nearby.

That whole issue from March on has just been weird. In lock up detenion for 5 days...then out on appeal. I got snippets of info from him but also some major attitude when I asked how this came about.

What bothered me was he knew the seriousness of the DUI issue and wanted my support. Which he got because ....he showed alot of remorse and really seemed to get it. Although he led me to believe it wasn't 4 DUI's.....more like his second and now I know the truth. He was really trying to get his life together in late March....never touched a drink while I was there visiting. I vouched for him to his dad......because I thought he really ''got the message'' after being locked up 5 days. He seemed pretty shook up how life would be in detention work release program. I told his dad....I think he is gonna be ok if he keeps his head screwed on straight and focuses on his goals. AND boy, he had some good goals to reach for in life. Plans that CAN'T happen if you drink.......I don't care how good he thinks he is....skill wise...NOBODY in this world will hire a drunk....and it lasts....coming out successful. But something changed in him in April after I left...others saw it too.....he just didn't care about nothing that used to be important.

What makes me mad is I feel now.....after things have unfolded over time....I have caught him in blatent lies about the situation. There always were 4 DUI's.....he also drove while his license was revoked...of COURSE your gonna be punished! Yet he still snuck around driving backroads....that totally p*sses me off and he knows it. He is supposed to ride to work with someone....I sure hope he is doing that too.

He tells me about some A.A stuff and honsetly I don't think it's true because in a few sentences later he writes.....I only bought 2- 18 paks of beer all summer. I have cut loose on him so many times in a rant on responsibility...it isn't even funny. He must think I just fell off the turnip truck.....I asked him what liberal new age A.A. support group allows drinking? I mean come on.....

Tough love.....being nice, praying......tried it all. He seems to seek attention or some kind of super star status in his new found circle...... so I decided to use some reverse pshychology on him and just blow up all the truth he did at a certain big event(he thinks I don't hear when he drinks

: ) I figured...your proud of what you did at this event and that you took time off work to travel out of state to go...... while out on bail for your court pending DUI appeal....so lets just be honest. Hey, it was the truth after all...so nothing to be ashamed of unless your lieing to people that were there about stuff.

You know what, he didn't like the attention.....and he misses the point on why I did it. He got pretty snotty and wasn't so cocky like he thinks he is.....actions have consquences and he knew that going.

I spelled it out.....let's part ways....it's obvious that's what you want, no friends....I'm not going to sugar coat things that are wrong that he feels aren't. I get no reply back from him......he can't deal with ''feelings''. Feelings are just too hard and your weird if you have them and he wouldn't dare talk to a professional trained to help or a court appointed offical because he thinks that's ''gay''.............well that's just cr-ap and he knows it! More excuses for not seeking help.

Well, guess what? it will be even harder when the court appeal comes up and reckoning day comes for serving time and losing a drivers license for years. I can see now a court appeal is NOTHING but a stalling out period for him to live up the summer....have a party in his pants with ''the girlfriend''(the same one who fed him Crown 7's that bragged about last fall and yeah that is really gonna get him better, being sarcastic here) and drink drink drink at every chance he gets. Yeah, I'm p*ssed...I vouched for this guy to his dad that he was on a right track in life and showed he wanted to deal with the issues, now months later.....he can't even try to stay clear of alcohol till his COURT APPEAL happens. Why appeal then, go straight to jail.....it's senseless and a waste of money to appeal. Time to grow up, it's 4 DUI's this is REAL SERIOUS......he's almost pushing 40....not some young kid confused. I don't want to hear any excuses about how hard life was or is for him...he has a really good family and life. He's got parents who bend over backwards for him. They love him...his friends care.......but boy no more crap, I'm done. He wants to lie to the girlfriend about this situation, the guy on the street, anyone......his business. I won't get sucked in the web of worrying about innocent people getting hurt because of lies to save his pride. I don't owe that to him....I have been a good friend , my intentions of friendship were honest and real. I question really if his were the same or he's just a user....he won't talk about it...he shows no remorse(or even said he's sorry) to what he has done to my feelings or the friendship.

I'll put up with alot but the arrogance he has now is sickening.......I don't think I'm better or judge him...he knows that but I do expect truth and common decency. That snotty crap he pulls and the constant lies.....I'm done.

Marty, I wish Dan could kick his but because I'd be there to help...he needs it. He's got a big loud bragging mouth and has no regard for the law/rules or friendship...I'm sure not scared to let him know it. He doesn't have a clue how tough I can be,,,,,,, If his mom only knew what crap he has pulled......she'd do the but kicking on him.

I'm sorry guys but he knows what he needs to do and I spelled it out many many times crystal clear....to him. He gets that done and gets some help for his problem, serves his punishment......I'm glad to be his friend if he can show me he has changed. Until then...I AM gonna be the bad a-ss he hates.....I don't care.

My biggest character fault is I care too much about my friends well being. I'm not trying be a martyr or saint as I am not perfect and make mistakes too.....I own up to them...just as I am right now by acknowledging that I got sucked in.

Maybe it makes me a weanie and uncool....he laughed and called me weird last week along with some other choice words. Well, guess what? I don't care, I never asked to get sucked in the web he weaved....I have a clean record and no DUI's. If that makes me weird...then yeah...call me weird.

I'm not his moral conscience .....I can't help no more. I only pray that the next time he thinks about a drink he gets real with himself........once in his life. There's nothing to be ashamed of that you can't drink.....it doesn't make you any less of a man and free booze at a big event isn't a invitation to get snockered. I hope he thinks about that on his next big trip your planning this Sept.

Incase he does read this............

IMHO.....YOU don't deserve to go anywhere but work and your home......you punish your horses and dogs for doing wrong things that are unacceptable behavior....try your training method on yourself! A reward by going to any event is just another excuse to drink and YOU know it. Stop using your dad/family/friends to get what you want!

Sorry for the extra long post......post if you want ...maybe he will read it and get a wake up call. There are some really smart people here with good advice and kind hearts and thanks again to all for taking the time to post.

:

It felt good to get this off my chest....but I'm still mad and he knows exactly why I am.

Hoping that passes someday.

 

[mininik]

I had a similar experience with a childhood friend and though we tried to continue our friendship for some time, I eventually had to let it go. If you're trying to be a positive, successful individual it's very hard to get where you're going in life by allowing yourself to be surrounded by people who choose to make the wrong choices again and again and again. While I don't believe there is anything wrong with wanting to help someone, at a certain point you have to realise it isn't going to work unless that person WANTS to be helped. I know in situations like this it seems as though by backing off you'll be putting others at risk, but ultimately you are not responsible for your friend's behavior or the consequences of his actions. In fact, I believe it's very possible that if your friend doesn't get so much support and attention for his immaturity he might come around on his own much quicker.

 

[dangerranger]

Your friend is an addict! and untill "he" decides to change he will always be an addict. You cant help him untill he changes his life. Id distance myself untill he starts to make those changes on his own. the very act of turning your back on him maybe the push he needs to get his act together [but I wouldnt count on it.]. he will eventually suck you dry emotionaly or finantionaly.[ you can count on that]. eventualy he will turn up at your door with no where elese to turn . and it will be your turn to take care of him for awhile. you will be his best friend till he has wrecked your car, credit, and reputation. or drug you into his world. I had quit drinking for about ten years before I realised the kinds of things I had done both finantionaly and emotionaly to others around me. its getting near 25 years now since Id quit. DR.