On Dec. 20th my 53 year old father passed away. We believe he was going to the store for the paper and a coffee and had a massive heart attack while driving to the store and hit a unoccupied house. They found him on his stomach 20 feet from his truck. One of their neighbors who is a first responder and firefighter was driving by and saw him. He did cpr and everything else he could to bring him back but later told me at the wake when I asked that he had probably been there for a while. I miss him so much yet I haven't really cried or felt overwhelming sadness. I'm able to go about my life like nothing has happened this really bothers me as I feel I should be more upset then I feel. He had a history of heart attacks and had a quadruple bypass at 42 his first major heart attack was at 32. He'd had a stress test just a couple months before and passed it fine. I've always told myself that we could lose him to his heart problems at anytime so maybe I've just prepared myself for it. I don't know I just feel so guilty that I'm able to carry on with life pretty much like normal and that I haven't broken down and cried. What kind of person doesn't cry when they lose their father? We had been closer then ever before in the last two years even though I moved an hour away. I used to live 5 minutes from them. All I feel is sadness for my mom. Her and Dad had been together since they were 14 years old. Has anyone else been through this and why am I not more upset?
When do the tears come?
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lilhorseladie
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I have never gone through this but my heart aches for you. I can't even imagine your shock and pain. I will pray for you and your family. It is sad that at a joyous time of year you had to feel so sad and hurt.
I'm so sorry you lost your father. ((((HUGS)))) I will keep you in my prayers.
As to your feelings and wether or not you can cry.... all of us react to things differently there is no set rule about how you must or must not react or feel. Don't punish or berate yourself, you may have inadvertantly answered your own question with your words about his past heart problems.
My father's death was easier for me to accept for the very same reasons you gave. (He had heart problems for most of my life.)
As to your feelings and wether or not you can cry.... all of us react to things differently there is no set rule about how you must or must not react or feel. Don't punish or berate yourself, you may have inadvertantly answered your own question with your words about his past heart problems.
My father's death was easier for me to accept for the very same reasons you gave. (He had heart problems for most of my life.)
Please accept my deepest condolences. I am so sorry that this had to happen and right on the holidays of all things. What a horrible thing for your family.
You will cry. It's going to hit you hard one day and the tears will come non-stop.
You are still in shock. The mind works very strangely at times. It probably hasn't really set in yet, but when it does, the tears will flow. It's still all "new"..........
It is rather crazy. When my mom died, I cried and carried on and hurt a lot and went on thinking of her sweetly all the time. But I never carried on a hundred times a day non stop for her like I do for my boy. For my son I scream, I cry, I get hysterical, I break things.....it's daily, it's all the time, it doesn't end. Never ends. It's torture.
You will cry. It's going to hit you hard one day and the tears will come non-stop.
You are still in shock. The mind works very strangely at times. It probably hasn't really set in yet, but when it does, the tears will flow. It's still all "new"..........
It is rather crazy. When my mom died, I cried and carried on and hurt a lot and went on thinking of her sweetly all the time. But I never carried on a hundred times a day non stop for her like I do for my boy. For my son I scream, I cry, I get hysterical, I break things.....it's daily, it's all the time, it doesn't end. Never ends. It's torture.
Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers and Cyndi thank you! I just feel so guilty about not being more upset. Heck I cry at almost every euthinasia I do or assist with(I'm a vet tech)yet I can't cry when my father dies? I just don't get it! I'm trying not to beat myself up over it but when everyone is telling me it's ok to cry and that I need cry and to just let it out well it makes me feel like I don't really care that he's gone. I really do care and I do miss him I just can't seem to cry and feel like I shouldn't be able to just pick up the pieces and carry on like it didn't happen when I'm very aware that it did. Heck I still cry when I think about my GSD that we had to put down when I was 16 and that was 16 years ago I just can't understand it.
Marty,
Thank you so much for your kind words everyone keeps telling me that and I do believe I will most likely eventually break down and cry. It doesn't compare in anyway to your loss. No parent should ever have to bury thier child and especially for reasons so unfair such as Michael's death was. I feel so much pain for you and thank you so much for posting.
Marty,
Thank you so much for your kind words everyone keeps telling me that and I do believe I will most likely eventually break down and cry. It doesn't compare in anyway to your loss. No parent should ever have to bury thier child and especially for reasons so unfair such as Michael's death was. I feel so much pain for you and thank you so much for posting.
MiniforFaith
Well-Known Member
I am very sorry for your tragic loss. And like it has been said, at a very horrible time to lose him. When I lost my mom, It was very, very hard. But I didn't cry much, because I tried to stay rock solid for my son. She died at 5:30 in the morning from a massive heart attack at the ICU. She had been in a coma for 6 days, when she had a hard time breathing and had a heart attack in the ambulance on the way to the hospital. They did CPR and did bring her back, but she never woke up from the coma..My son was very close to her and just started school. The hopsital called me and told me. I didn't cry until I got him off to school, but then didn't really cry bad.(My daughter was 17 mon and didn't understand) The first time I really broke down was at the Funeral home. We went early, to give my son time before everyone got there.(He was 6)When he seen her in the coffin, he lost it, and so did I..It was a very hard time, my mother in law took him home because of how hard it was for him... To this day, I still say he lost his glow when mom died. She is buried less than a half a mile from us. I'll walk up to see her and just cry because how much things are so different without her.
Everyone handles things differently. There is nothing wrong with not being able to cry. I wished I wouldn't have as much as I did.. But, when and if you ever do, you will feel worse then it gets a little better. Mom has been gone for 4 years now, and I still pick up the phone to call her...It is still early for you and the shock is still with you. YOu and Your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
:
Everyone handles things differently. There is nothing wrong with not being able to cry. I wished I wouldn't have as much as I did.. But, when and if you ever do, you will feel worse then it gets a little better. Mom has been gone for 4 years now, and I still pick up the phone to call her...It is still early for you and the shock is still with you. YOu and Your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
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Jess,
One day the tears will come. Don't be so hard on yourself.
When my mother died I was devastated and less than a year later I lost my father. Then less than two years after my mother went to heaven I lost my oldest sister. I was very heartbroken over my father and sister but my mother's death took the most out of me. She was my best friend and after ten years I still miss her so much. Quite often I cry yet over her being gone. I miss my sister and father also but I find I get so much more choked up over my mother.
I don't understand the way the human mind works I was only hoping to pass some words of comfort to you.I just wanted to tell you there are no rules for how a person must react to the death of a loved one.
One day the tears will come. Don't be so hard on yourself.
When my mother died I was devastated and less than a year later I lost my father. Then less than two years after my mother went to heaven I lost my oldest sister. I was very heartbroken over my father and sister but my mother's death took the most out of me. She was my best friend and after ten years I still miss her so much. Quite often I cry yet over her being gone. I miss my sister and father also but I find I get so much more choked up over my mother.
I don't understand the way the human mind works I was only hoping to pass some words of comfort to you.I just wanted to tell you there are no rules for how a person must react to the death of a loved one.
WebbsMiniAngels
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Jess,
First of all, there are no rules to grief. There are different degrees and there is no set rule for the amount of time grief lasts. One of the first emotions is denial, we just can't comprehend they are realy gone. The reality will come and it can be such a devistating blow. And yes anger will probably be felt toward your Dad for leaving you and that to is normal too. You take all the time you need and let all the feelings you feel happen. It's called the healing process. My Dad has been gone 12 years and I still think of him often. He meant the world to me. I miss him so much at Christmas time because he loved the time of year. Every Christmas will always be hard for me but I remember the wonderful times we had and that gives me comfort. You take each step as it comes, deal with it and let the healing process start to happen.
My thoughts and prayers are with you, as time will begin to let the healing start it may take a long time but it will come.
God bless you and your family at this hard time in your life.
Judy
First of all, there are no rules to grief. There are different degrees and there is no set rule for the amount of time grief lasts. One of the first emotions is denial, we just can't comprehend they are realy gone. The reality will come and it can be such a devistating blow. And yes anger will probably be felt toward your Dad for leaving you and that to is normal too. You take all the time you need and let all the feelings you feel happen. It's called the healing process. My Dad has been gone 12 years and I still think of him often. He meant the world to me. I miss him so much at Christmas time because he loved the time of year. Every Christmas will always be hard for me but I remember the wonderful times we had and that gives me comfort. You take each step as it comes, deal with it and let the healing process start to happen.
My thoughts and prayers are with you, as time will begin to let the healing start it may take a long time but it will come.
God bless you and your family at this hard time in your life.
Judy
REO
Well-Known Member
I'm so very sorry about your dad.
Please don't think you have to be more upset. I think you will do plenty of grieving in your own way, in your own time. There is no right or wrong way to do it. Lack of tears does Not mean you didn't love him, you did. I hope you will go see your mom and give her a big hug and let her cry on your shoulder. Talk to her about the happy memories of your dad and how much you loved him. SHE needs that and I feel you do too.
Meanwhile....{{{{{{Hugs}}}}}}
Meanwhile....{{{{{{Hugs}}}}}}
Sonya
Well-Known Member
Everyone handles grief differently and there are different stages and there are no rules, no one says you HAVE to cry. When my sister committed suicide about a year and a half ago I didn't cry and I too felt "guilty" that I didn't handle it differently. My job at the funeral was to stand by my father and hold him up as he cried (I'd only seen my Dad cry once, when his father died, my Dad is 67). I think something told me (God perhaps) to be strong so I could help my Dad and be his rock. When I think of my sister today I still get teary eyed but have yet to really cry, but I think of her daily.
It may hit you one day and you'll totally loose it or it may not, everyone is different. There is nothing wrong with not crying. It may be that you're job is to be your Mother's rock and that's a good thing to be.
I'm so sorry for your loss (((big hugs))).
It may hit you one day and you'll totally loose it or it may not, everyone is different. There is nothing wrong with not crying. It may be that you're job is to be your Mother's rock and that's a good thing to be.
I'm so sorry for your loss (((big hugs))).
hhpminis
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Like has been said, everyone grieves differently and you cannot judge yourself based on someone elses scale.
You will handle this in your own way in your own time. I think often when we have children we tend to toughen up a bit to be strong for the little ones. We are their world and if we fall apart than we fear they will feel defenseless. I am not saying that is necessarily the right thing to do but I think many parents feel this way.
Dont beat yourself up for how you are handling this. We deal with things the best we can with the knowledge we have at that particular time. We make decisions, we react, we live. Give yourself a break hon, you just lost your father. Be good to yourself and wrap yourself up with what it good in life.
You are grieving, just in the way you know how to do it.
You will handle this in your own way in your own time. I think often when we have children we tend to toughen up a bit to be strong for the little ones. We are their world and if we fall apart than we fear they will feel defenseless. I am not saying that is necessarily the right thing to do but I think many parents feel this way.
Dont beat yourself up for how you are handling this. We deal with things the best we can with the knowledge we have at that particular time. We make decisions, we react, we live. Give yourself a break hon, you just lost your father. Be good to yourself and wrap yourself up with what it good in life.
You are grieving, just in the way you know how to do it.
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Warpony
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The amount of grief you feel and the length of time you feel it has nothing to do with how much you loved that person. Please do not feel guilty for not reacting the way you "think you should". When my paternal grandmother died in '95 I did not grieve, and I felt guilty. I poured all of my emotion into guilt. I later realised that it was a coping mechanism because i was completely unprepared for dealing with the grief but guilt I was used to and knew how to handle. 6 months later a dear friend died in a car accident and I absolutely fell apart. THAT was when I finally broke down and felt grief for the loss of my grandma.
This past september my maternal grandmother passed away. No one told me for 11 days even though i was calling and leaving messages almost every day trying to find out how she was doing. When I found out what had happened and that no one had told me i skipped the grief and launched directly into anger. Sure, I shed a few tears for my grandmother but mostly i was angry and devastated that no one, not even my own mother, bothered to call and let me know. Then at the end of november I had to have my beloved pony put down, and the grief and pain was (and is) so strong that none of my usual coping mechanisms worked. I felt everything, the pain, the loss, the anger... and I felt guilty because i was mourning my pony more then I mourned my grandmother. I had to remind myself that we feel what we feel. there is no right and wrong in how we feel. We just do.
You may or may not have it hit you at some point. I still haven't felt grief for this grandmother and now i start to think I never will. She was at peace at the end, and she didn't want us feeling bad for her... I sometimes wonder if she has given me peace about. At any rate, as many others have said we each grieve in our own way, and that may differ according to each situation. There is nothign wrong with feeling (or not feeling) the way you do.
This past september my maternal grandmother passed away. No one told me for 11 days even though i was calling and leaving messages almost every day trying to find out how she was doing. When I found out what had happened and that no one had told me i skipped the grief and launched directly into anger. Sure, I shed a few tears for my grandmother but mostly i was angry and devastated that no one, not even my own mother, bothered to call and let me know. Then at the end of november I had to have my beloved pony put down, and the grief and pain was (and is) so strong that none of my usual coping mechanisms worked. I felt everything, the pain, the loss, the anger... and I felt guilty because i was mourning my pony more then I mourned my grandmother. I had to remind myself that we feel what we feel. there is no right and wrong in how we feel. We just do.
You may or may not have it hit you at some point. I still haven't felt grief for this grandmother and now i start to think I never will. She was at peace at the end, and she didn't want us feeling bad for her... I sometimes wonder if she has given me peace about. At any rate, as many others have said we each grieve in our own way, and that may differ according to each situation. There is nothign wrong with feeling (or not feeling) the way you do.
SunQuest
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Jess,
First, I am so sorry. My deepest condolenses to you. I haven't read any of the other replies, so please forgive me if this has already been said.
Don't feel bad that you are not crying. You may never cry for him, but you will certainly miss him. Greif is always handled differently by each person and with each event. I was the same way as you with the passing of my grandfather that I dearly loved. It seems that when one is so close to a family member, and one knows that said family member could pass any day from some long term health issue, that one makes peace with their loved one long before they pass. They know to say "I love you" very often as they truelly understand that it may be the last time that they can say it.
My thoughts are that you have known for a very long time that the time will come when your Dad will not be here. You knew and because of that you have done most of your greiving already. Yes, you will worry, you will deeply miss him, and yes you may cry someday, but honestly, I don't see any reason for you to feel guilty that you are not crying. You said everything you wanted to when your father was alive and well, that is always more important that saying it when they are gone. I think that your heart is at peace with how your relationship was with your father and that is a GOOD thing. Don't let any preconceived notion on how to handle this bother you. We all do it differently and there is no right or wrong way to greive.
Many hugs to you and yours.
First, I am so sorry. My deepest condolenses to you. I haven't read any of the other replies, so please forgive me if this has already been said.
Don't feel bad that you are not crying. You may never cry for him, but you will certainly miss him. Greif is always handled differently by each person and with each event. I was the same way as you with the passing of my grandfather that I dearly loved. It seems that when one is so close to a family member, and one knows that said family member could pass any day from some long term health issue, that one makes peace with their loved one long before they pass. They know to say "I love you" very often as they truelly understand that it may be the last time that they can say it.
My thoughts are that you have known for a very long time that the time will come when your Dad will not be here. You knew and because of that you have done most of your greiving already. Yes, you will worry, you will deeply miss him, and yes you may cry someday, but honestly, I don't see any reason for you to feel guilty that you are not crying. You said everything you wanted to when your father was alive and well, that is always more important that saying it when they are gone. I think that your heart is at peace with how your relationship was with your father and that is a GOOD thing. Don't let any preconceived notion on how to handle this bother you. We all do it differently and there is no right or wrong way to greive.
Many hugs to you and yours.
Bassett
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I'm so very sorry about your Dad. I think you probably have been telling yourself this for years and it won't hit you for a while.. When it does you will cry and if you don't, that's fine too. When I lost my Dad I was devastated, just had a hard time accepting it and he was crippled with arthritis for years. Always had it in the back of our minds anything can happen. But right from day one I missed him. It's been 26 years and you know I still miss him.
When my Mom died , I missed her but to this day I have not cried. And I don't feel guilty about it. I guess I was the oldest of her children there and was trying to be strong for everyone else. I miss her but don't feel the loss I feel with Dad.
Sending you (((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))))) and
: . Hoping you will feel better soon. It will take a while. :no:
When my Mom died , I missed her but to this day I have not cried. And I don't feel guilty about it. I guess I was the oldest of her children there and was trying to be strong for everyone else. I miss her but don't feel the loss I feel with Dad.
Sending you (((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))))) and
Buckskin gal
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So sorry you lost your dad. I know people are not the same in how they react to different things and like you I did not cry and carry on when I lost my parents. It has been 12 years and I still hold it in ...I think I am afraid to let the tears come for fear they will never stop. It may be because my mother raised me with the thought that I was always to be strong no matter what. It is kinda odd because I am a sensitive person and yet when it comes to crying I still feel I shouldn't. Peole who find it easy to rant and rave over a loss probably are at an advantage in that it must be a release to let it all out. It is good that you can at least talk about it here because it is some realease of feelings. Hugs, Mary
I agree- everyone is different, so dont beat yourself up over it. I am so sorry to hear you lost him at such a young age!! Hugs to you and your family. You may not ever cry over it (real tears that is) and it just may be that someday you will see something that really brings a memory, and the floodgates will open. I have lost both of my parents, though they were quite a bit older and had full lives, I would certainly like to have had even more time with them (there is NEVER enough time)
Again, hugs to you all. Be there for your Mom, as I am sure you already are.
Again, hugs to you all. Be there for your Mom, as I am sure you already are.
chandab
Well-Known Member
Marty said it so well, so I won't repeat it.
I lost my dad to cancer 14 years ago (January 31, 1993 - Super Bowl Sunday). I took a semester off from college when he was sick and helped my mom. I had just gone back to school when he passed. It didn't hit me right away, and I didn't cry that much right away (except at his memorial service, I was fine til I saw the picture they had of him). Then one day, don't recall when, the flood gates opened. I still have moments when I think about him and cry; but other times I think about him and laugh; just depends on the day/moment.
This reminded me...
When I lost my dad, my best friend, at the time, lost her mom two days before; I didn't even know until I called to talk to her about my dad and her husband told me (he went riding with me that day, so I wouldn't have to be alone). When we both got home from the funerals, we talked for hours over several days. We even did alot of laughing, which is a great emotional release. Sometimes the laughter turned to tears. Not that it was good that either one of us lost a parent, but it was good to have some one going through the same thing at the same time. We understood each other well during our grieving time. People who have gone through a loss do understand your pain, but it was helpful to both us that we went through it together. We didn't have any of those awkward what do you say moments, we just knew what the other was going through.
Don't be afraid to laugh, while you are going through this; it's a great emotional release and can be helpful.
Valerie
Well-Known Member
As someone who just lost her mom unexpectedly on 11-14-06, I do know what you are going through....and yes, as others have said, you will grieve in your own way in your own time. I was doing ok, thinking I was being strong for others & it was just this past week that things really hit me very hard...and that is what grief does, you don't know what stage of grief you will go through first & for each person it is different.
I know I have been reading several different books on grief and one of the best has been, "when a child loses a parent", or something to that affect. I loaned the book to my siblings down in Oregon or I could give you the actual title...but it was very, very good and it does talk about the stages of grief, etc...and every book on grieving I have read does say each person will handle the stages differently....... I did a search a Borders Books on grief & it came up so I bought it......very good book.
So basically what I am saying to you is, please do not beat yourself up, (I know better than to tell you not to feel guilty, because you are going to, I know I already went through that part)....and only you can tell you it's ok to not feel guilty and truly some days I still feel some guilt. I know that sounds odd, but it really is true.......... Heck you may be just fine one day & something will trigger something inside you and you may just want to hide away & cry your eyes out and that is ok too, your body & mind will decide what you need to do for you.
I am truly sorry you lost your Dad at such a young age, my Mom was only 69 and I thought that was too short of a life....I am truly, deeply sorry for your difficult time.
I know I have been reading several different books on grief and one of the best has been, "when a child loses a parent", or something to that affect. I loaned the book to my siblings down in Oregon or I could give you the actual title...but it was very, very good and it does talk about the stages of grief, etc...and every book on grieving I have read does say each person will handle the stages differently....... I did a search a Borders Books on grief & it came up so I bought it......very good book.
So basically what I am saying to you is, please do not beat yourself up, (I know better than to tell you not to feel guilty, because you are going to, I know I already went through that part)....and only you can tell you it's ok to not feel guilty and truly some days I still feel some guilt. I know that sounds odd, but it really is true.......... Heck you may be just fine one day & something will trigger something inside you and you may just want to hide away & cry your eyes out and that is ok too, your body & mind will decide what you need to do for you.
I am truly sorry you lost your Dad at such a young age, my Mom was only 69 and I thought that was too short of a life....I am truly, deeply sorry for your difficult time.
nootka
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Grief is different for every person and every situation.
I lost my mother, and I was glad (she was a horrible person who caused pain every waking day of her life).
I lost my grandmother, who was my "real" mother (in every sense of the word except giving birth to me), and I was very distraught for a few months, which lessened, but I still feel the loss of her physical presence keenly.
When I lost my brother in law, who I was not super close to, but was so unexpected (vehicle accident, he was 25), I was really thrown for a loop. For about a year, I just couldn't get out of the grief I felt for my sister and her unborn baby as well as my son, who idolized him.
Last year we lost my nephew. It affected me, it seemed, more than his uncle, my husband, who practically raised him. It took him 8 months before he had his time of tears and grief over it. He was sad, and upset that he was gone, and the events that lead up to it, but he could not bring himself to cry even though he knew he needed to, or expected it of himself.
I told him not to stress himself over these expectations, and to do what felt right.
I think you will come to find that the way you are handling it is right for you and for the person who's gone from you (your father). Of course he would also be concerned for your mother and so you're doing what he can't. Take comfort in that.
Liz M.
I lost my mother, and I was glad (she was a horrible person who caused pain every waking day of her life).
I lost my grandmother, who was my "real" mother (in every sense of the word except giving birth to me), and I was very distraught for a few months, which lessened, but I still feel the loss of her physical presence keenly.
When I lost my brother in law, who I was not super close to, but was so unexpected (vehicle accident, he was 25), I was really thrown for a loop. For about a year, I just couldn't get out of the grief I felt for my sister and her unborn baby as well as my son, who idolized him.
Last year we lost my nephew. It affected me, it seemed, more than his uncle, my husband, who practically raised him. It took him 8 months before he had his time of tears and grief over it. He was sad, and upset that he was gone, and the events that lead up to it, but he could not bring himself to cry even though he knew he needed to, or expected it of himself.
I told him not to stress himself over these expectations, and to do what felt right.
I think you will come to find that the way you are handling it is right for you and for the person who's gone from you (your father). Of course he would also be concerned for your mother and so you're doing what he can't. Take comfort in that.
Liz M.
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