Sending my two sons to see their biological family

[Floridachick]

I am sorry you went through all of that its horrible! These are YOUR children, YOUR responsibility to protect them at ALL costs/ Even if they "HATE" you for a few weeks. Do right by them. Invite the grandparents down to visit. I would NEVER ever allow your ex near them unless under a court supervised visit. He doesn't deserve that even, make him pay all of the back child support and put it away for your boys. PLease please be safe. Invite the grandparents for a day OUT and meet at a park or a zoo or someplace in between and then take your BOYS HOME WHERE THEY BELONG!

: be safe.

 

[SunQuest]

His family is good people. They don't support his past life-style (he doesn't have that life-style now) and they are good honest hard working people. I trust his family, but if one rode a 4 wheeler and fell off, or if their house caught fire in the middle of the night and... oh man, I'd die. I'd just never forgive myself, Marty...you're right... but then again, I'd never forgive myself if they fell off of a 4 wheeler here, or anything else happened to them here.

His family may be good people for all you know, but often abuse happens behind the scenes and is not spoken of and is passed on from generation to generation. If you truelly trusted your Ex's family, then you wouldn't be nervous about this.

You also so say that your Ex "doesn't have that life-style now". Well, let me ask you... How much do you think he cares if he has not made any effort to pay child support???? A truelly good parent would want to see to the welfare of their children, and that includes the financial end of it. And he would be making an effort to at least give what he can. (I am assuming that he hasn't been making an honest effort as you say he is 28,000 behind.)

I say no way would I let them stay there without you being there. I would make sure that I was there at all times while visiting your ex's relatives. Just way too much risk in this.

 

[Chaos Ranch]

Thank you all so much, you confirm what I feel in my gut. It's that same feeling that has kept me 300 miles away from him to begin with. I just didn't want to be selfish keeping them away from their family just because I had a grievance against their father.

I have no idea how he gets away with owing that much child support and not paying it. Illinois says that Arkansas has to enforce the order since we live here, and Arkansas says they have to enforce the order since he lives there and that's where the case is at.

I don't think he has changed that much.. not really. He may not "party" like he used to (he's almost 40 years old now) but I know he is still abusive with women. He's never remarried (can't find another woman as dumb as I was) and he doesn't keep a girlfriend very long. But he's never been abusive or neglegent towards kids... well... I take that back. Attacking me while I was standing at my sons crib was a bad thing to cause my son to see, even at a young age.

They don't remember the abuse, but they know it happened. I've stressed to them how very very wrong it is to abuse anyone or anything...that power over another living thing is not something to be asserted in a violent mannor no matter how angry or frustrated you feel.

I am going to talk my boys into waiting and not going right now. Me going with them for supoervision would not be a good idea because it could cause residual possessive feelings to come back and he could get frustrated or angry at me because I am with my husband and we have a good life and he is alone. My husband and I might be able to, but I would not want to go alone with just me and the boys. I know how stupid it sounds, but I am still terrified of him and what he could do to hurt me.

I appreciate you all so much for your thoughts on this. It is a rather personal issue to be bringing up on a public forum like this, and I apologise to those that it might offend but I only knew of one place to reach people that could objectively advise me and that was right here on this forum. It will disappoint the boys, but that small disappointment is easier for them to deal with than my guilt and regret would be if anything happened to them because of going up there.

Thank you all so much for your advice... I really appreciate it.

 

[MountainMeadows]

Kim

Stick to your guns on this one -- Marty & many of the other on hear are giving you good advise. I am sure that backing out of this extended "visitation" will cause a ruckus -- so be it, they are still children. The only way I would even begin to go down that path is at a mutually acceptable location - in a very public place, say a park, maybe call it a family picnic -- with supervision from at the very least you, but hopefully your husband & maybe even some of your family members. There are many of us who are feeling lots of warning signs here.

Stacy

 

[SunQuest]

I don't think he has changed that much.. not really. He may not "party" like he used to (he's almost 40 years old now) but I know he is still abusive with women. He's never remarried (can't find another woman as dumb as I was) and he doesn't keep a girlfriend very long. But he's never been abusive or neglegent towards kids... well... I take that back. Attacking me while I was standing at my sons crib was a bad thing to cause my son to see, even at a young age.

How do you know for certain if he has been abuse or not towards kids???? How can you verify this? You only have the word of those that associate with him, and honestly, they probably don't really know for sure.

Stop and think about this. You said that he beat you to try to make you abort. Well, is that not abuse towards your child which so happened to also be his???? (In my books he attempted to murder your child.) If he is willing to endanger you like that then, who is to say that he would not try to kill one of your boys just to get even with you being happily remarried?

Your sons are at a very impressionable age right now. They are curious and he will make things look good for him and will definately try to make you look in the wrong. Further, they could actually witness one of his episodes. Are you willing to let them endure that or learn that women can't stop it?

Further, until he pays some child support he doesn't give a rip about the children. The rest of his family may be ok to visit with you in a puclic location, but he should not be allowed ANYWHERE near the children PERIOD! Not even with others present unless the courts order it! That is why you have full custody of those two precious boys!

Sorry to sound so stern, but in no way should you be cutting him a break, especially if he is still abusing others!

 

[HGFarm]

Going to chime in here on this one.

No, no and NO!!!

They are of course going to be curious about their father and the rest of his family, however, they are kids. You are the adult and parent, who must make the final safe and sane decisions regarding the choices that are offered in life. Make the safe choice!! Yep, they may be disappointed and/or mad, but they will get over it. And if they push for an answer, as teens do, I would explain to them that they are your whole life and you love them very much and could not live with it if they had a bad experience, or worse, in allowing them to go at this time, and that something ELSE can be arranged in the future- maybe next summer, where a bit better arrangements can be made. They are old enough to understand what you have been through and why you are fearful.

Also, your boys don't know any of these people from Adam. I would not allow them to go for a full week, into the care of someone they dont know, that far from home, NO WAY! His parents MAY not appear to be abusive, but those are still his parents too, and if he lies to them and takes them for a couple of days to 'spend time with them' - you would have no idea. And I am sure he is going to want to discuss you with them.

Even when they are old enough, I would set up perhaps a WEEKEND trip, meet half way, and be there handy- supervised visits only, until you yourself can see what is going on. If he is this type of person, is this what you want your boys exposed to?! And I can tell you that abusers like that do not change and they cannot be trusted!!

Why have the grandparents, if they are so 'ok', never been involved in the boy's life??

I am sure, when you change your mind, he will once again tell you how low and crappy you are- they are good at that- just consider the source and let it roll off now. You have a loving family with two great boys. Keep it that way!! Trust your gut and DONT DO THIS!!!!

 

[whiskeyranch]

No Way, No how!!! Been there, done that, couldn't find them for a week! My ex owes 35,000, and there is no way they will go be around any of his family, since they are the one's who helped hide them.

Family will always stick together. THEY ARE NOT ON YOUR SIDE!!!!

IF YOU DON'T GO, THEN DON'T LET THE KIDS GO.

Abusive behavior does not go away and when he starts talking bad about you to the kids etc., then you will wish you had let your kids down.

I always tell my friends, if your kids aren't mad at you once in awhile, then you aren't doing your job!

 

[tigeresss]

Absolutely no way would I let them go. I'm 19 years old so this is coming from a young adult without any children. I would much rather my sons be angry with me for a few months than run the serious risk of them being seriously injured, or never coming back (for whatever reason). Put your foot down and tell them NO! Please, please, please though explain fully to them why you are saying no. They deserve to understand and if you don't explain they will be angrier. I wouldn't let them go until they were at legal adult age 18 here but I'm not sure what it is there, either way 18 is a good number. They may seem grown up but 14 and 15year olds are still children, they still need your guidance. And yes, you are their PARENT not their friend! They've got friends, they don't need that right now.

Let us know how it goes, but make sure you explain to them why and what's going on. Too many parents don't communicate with their children properly and this is where the aggression and rebellion of youth gets out of control.

 

[Boinky]

I do not have children either..but ABSOLUTELY NOT! a tiger never changes his stripes! If he was that abusive then he most likely still is (since he's never been married again and doesn't keep women very long that's a pretty good indicator!). He also scared you SO much that you live so far away and have never gone back say's a lot not to mention that you STILL fear for your life..... why even contemplate putting your kids in that position?! It is not just "mom has a grievance" in my book.. mom has a VERY LEGITIMATE reason. it's not just the typical divorce husband/wife syndrome where they dislike each other for something stupid..this was an actual physical abuse/violence issue!!!! NOTHING is saying that he will not/cannot be violent with children at any second... this is BEYOND grievance! NO WAY IN heck would i ever put my child/children in that sort of danger . PERIOD. NO IF ANDS OR BUTTS!

As for your children i agree i would STRESS to them exactly what dad did to you and why they cannot go there untill they are old enough to be able to deal with it on their own. So what if they are mad at you?? I could see them being mad and calling you "terrible" mother for not giving them the newest games or whatever..but this is not even an issue of "bad" mother in that respect..you are being a GOOD mother by not allowing them to go.

 

[tigeresss]

Was just thinking of you and wanted to know how things got on. I hope it's working out alright!!!

 

[zoey829]

Yes. Please let us know.

 

[Robin1]

Please let us know what happened I have been concerned.

Robin

 

[Bluerocket]

nope - no way --- agree with the majority here -- yes, see grandparents with YOU and YOUR CURRENT HUSBAND with them (supervised and support for you too). You take them back with you.

NO WAY TO SEE THEIR DAD unsupervised --- nor to leave them with grandparents -- there is a reason your x is how he is --- don't you think they may be part of that reason?