Sending my two sons to see their biological family

[Chaos Ranch]

I don't know where else to turn where I'll find suce a diverse group of caring and concerned friends so I am posting this here... hoping someone will give me objective, outside, neutral insight.

A little background. Personal, yes, but it's part of the driving force to my nervousness.

I got married at 16 to a man who was 24. We divorced two months later because he was excessivley abusive. Physically, mentally, emotionally...every "ally" you could imagine. I was young, and quite the idiot but I thought I was in love and I thought he was in love enough to be good, so I went back to him. We had a baby, the abuse just got worse and worse with each occurance. I became pregnant again and he became so irate he threw me across a recliner chair and repeatedly kneed me in the stomach to try to make me miscarry. I left right after that because I feared for my unborn baby.

It was very hard for me to stay away. I can't explain way.. he was a hard drinker, into drugs, and he was physically dangerous. I did manage to get myself away and moved to Arkansas with our two sons when they were 1 and 2 years old. I have been too afraid of him to move back up there.

Many years (13) have passed and now my boys are 14 and 15. I never allowed him to see them, never allowed them to go up there. I have just stayed too terrified of what could happen. He once held my son captive in an apartment when he was only 8 months old because he found out I had a boyfriend. That was before I moved away though.

Over the past 13 years he has said some very disturbing things to me... things most abusers say to their ex's. He has never once tried to come down here to take the kids, or never asked me to see them because he knew I would say no. He's over 28,000. behind in child support... so financially, emotionally, and physically he has not been there for my boys, but I have not ever implied to him that any type of involvement would be allowed.

Recently though, my boys have asked me if they could go up there and see their biological grandparents and cousins and such. They are older now, they can tell me when something just isn't right, and they know what's going on inside themselves as to how they feel about people. I come from a home where my parents are still married. (over 34 years now).... I have no ideal what it feels like to not know your other half... not to a large part of your heritage... who you are and who you come from.

I called my ex-in-laws and spoke with them, and spoke with my ex husband, and my husband now, and my boys... we've decided to meet them half way this weekend and let the boys go up to Illinois to spend a week before school starts at my ex-in-laws home to get to know them. My ex husband will be spending the evenings there with them to get to know them also.

My family (parents, sister, brothers, etc) all live within a 30 minute drive of where the boys will be staying. They will have access to the computer, and cell phones at all times in case they want to go be with my family instead... I am scared though.

Part of me is scared for them.... but to be really honest, part of me is even more scared that they will like being up there so much more than they like being here with me that they'll not want to come home... or they'll want to move up there with them and won't need boring old me anymore.

Am I making a huge mistake? I want to honor my boys wishes, I want them to find that peace inside where they've always felt a little void because of not knowing thier family up there. 15 and 14 is a fair age right? They're good boys, they know when somethings not right, and they'll let me know if something is wrong. Please someone tell me how to proceed with this, what do I tell my boys,... what do I NOT tell my boys ??? What is the healthiest thing emotionally and mentally for my kids at this point?

 

[Marty]

Am I making a huge mistake?

I want to honor my boys wishes, I want them to find that peace inside where they've always felt a little void because of not knowing thier family up there. 15 and 14 is a fair age right? They're good boys, they know when somethings not right, and they'll let me know if something is wrong. Please someone tell me how to proceed with this, what do I tell my boys,... what do I NOT tell my boys ??? What is the healthiest thing emotionally and mentally for my kids at this point?

Hey Kimmy.....I'll definitely tell you I would not to do this. Sorry, but they are children....14 and 15 are children........and you do not have to honor their wishes at this time, or ever for that matter. Their safety is the most important thing and I feel this is opening up a can of worms that should have remained closed and is absolutely not a safe situation cousins and grandparents included. Maybe when they are of legal age if they care to pursue it, then that would be up to them, but to encourage any contact now........nope. They do not need to be loaded down with any excess baggage of all the gruesome details at this age and I would never let them out of my sight for a minute, period. You'd never forgive yourself if some one up there pulled a fast one on you and kept them or hurt them. I vote a very serious NO Kimmy, and I'd back out of this entire situtation in a New York minute.

Listen to your gut Kimmy.....you are scared for a reason. Never doubt a mother's intuition.

 

[just2minis]

Sorry. NO WAY would I do that.

I would make them wait until they are at least 16... and then think about it.

 

[Steph_D]

I wouldn't do it either. I myself came from that kind of family, sort of. My grandmother adopted me when I was 6 months old because my mother was unfit. She was allowed visitation and all was good for a while, until one time she decided that she wanted to be a parent again. My mom (grandma) ended up having to call the sheriff to escort her when she came and got me. She wasn't allowed visitation after that :no:

My point is that you're an AWFUL long ways away if you needed to go get them. Yeah, your family is up there, but YOU are the legal parent and you have all of the legal rights. Ideally, you'd need to be the one to go get them. And if he decided to run with the boys, he could get quite a distance away while you were driving to Illinois.

 

[Reble]

When my husband and I met, he was raising his 10 month old son, his ex wife, gave up her access when he was only 2 years old.

My stepson met his bilogical mother around 15 years old, and was not mine or my husbands choice, some other family member stepped in and had them meet behind our backs.

What a night mare, he ended up leaving to live with her untill she kicked him out a few months later.

Now all grown up and have a child of his own and another on the way. Regrets ever making that move.

Too Too young, and will mess them up for sure. Never finished his schooling.

He now has a relationship with her after his child was born. She is a better grandmother than a mother.

It sounds thou you have all the arrangements in place. I wish you the best in your decision.

You can always change your mind

:

 

[disneyhorse]

i'm not a parent, so I'm not sure how much "experience" i could justify but...

I just don't think it's a good situation, and if it makes you nervous you don't have to send them. They are still CHILDREN, so until they were at least 18 I would not let them out of my supervision! If I wasn't there chaperoning, NO WAY.

I don't see what "good" could come out of it, that outweighs the risks.

Andrea

 

[Chaos Ranch]

I do agree that my gut is saying no... not yet. But the boys have right out asked, and now they are expecting to go up there.... how can I back out now wihtout them hating me or resenting me for it? I know... parent, not friend... perent not friend.

:

I don't know if my "gut" says no because I am an excessively over-protective parent and I never let them stay anywhere except my best friend, and my mother-in-laws... or if something could be amiss at some point.

His family is good people. They don't support his past life-style (he doesn't have that life-style now) and they are good honest hard working people. I trust his family, but if one rode a 4 wheeler and fell off, or if their house caught fire in the middle of the night and... oh man, I'd die. I'd just never forgive myself, Marty...you're right... but then again, I'd never forgive myself if they fell off of a 4 wheeler here, or anything else happened to them here.

I am going to have a good long talk with the boys about their expectations and what they truely feel about the whole thing. I'd feel so much better if it were us going up there to spend a day with them, then hotel over-night, spend another afternoon then come home. Ease my way into it.... but now they expect to go, picking out their clothes and everything.

I've never been at ease letting my kids stay anywhere... not even at my trusted friend or mother in laws house. I've been called a mother hen more times than I have been called by my own name. At this point I can't determine how much of this is normal mommy jitters (yeah.. my 15 year old still calls me mommy

)and how much of it is "gut instinct".

 

[h2t99]

Do your boys know about the abuse? If you trust the grandparents and they understand how you feel then you really have to let your boys do this. I think if they do not know about the abuse you should think about telling them to a point so they can understand why you are such a worry-wort!! I would not tell them all of it and maybe you should wait until they are back, not really sure what I would do there!! You are definately in a hard spot, good luck and trust you gut, your heart is afraid, so listen to your gut!!

 

[Marty]

how can I back out now wihtout them hating me or resenting me for it?

You can just say it did not work out at this time and let it go at that. There is no need to go into some long discussion or explaination.

Carol Burnette's famous last words to her drug addited daughter: "I love you enough to let you hate me for a while"

My famous last words to you Kimmy: You do not know what it feels like when you are unable to protect your child. Try living with that one. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

Tell them no and that's it.

 

[Ashley]

Well I am going to be different and say let them go.

 

[ChrystalPaths]

I'll agree....they are children still and there is more than enough time later for these meetings. I would not send my children into the unknown where I could not fiecely protect them. There is a time and a place for such things...your gut, your guide is telling you...."not yet".

 

[Lisa-Ruff N Tuff Minis]

Been there done that and have plenty of t-shirts...

No way no how under any circumstances would that happen with my kids. Supervised visits is the way I would opt to go with that if not you then someone in your family meeting with the grandparents for dinner or a day at the park ect.

They dont know these people from adam and really might not even have the same life style or feel comfortable in there house.

There is a way to allow them into there lives and make yhou feel comfortable

let them go and STAY WITH YOUR FAMILY and visit the other family

 

[Shelley]

I would say NO.

When they are of age, and there's nothing you can really say about it is soon enough, IMO.

Please listen to Marty. She makes a lot of sense to me.

Shelley

 

[FoRebel]

Kim, listen to what your gut is telling you! I am a person that comes from a "broken" relationship... My mother said NO to me going with my father until I was 18.... I appreciate her for that now because he was basically everything that she told me he was. Not only that but his current wife is verbally and emotionally abusive toward me. I don't see or talk to them anymore at all! I am also on your side of this since my son is from my first marriage and doesn't know his sperm donor or his family. Over my dead body would I let my son, no matter how old he is, go with my ex-in-laws until he was 18 and could completely fend for himself!

Please, listen to your gut!

: Marty knows what she's talking about!

 

[Miniv]

The ONLY way I would allow it to happen would be as a supervised visit, with ME. And if I couldn't accompany then at this time, they'd just have to wait. Since you have family in the general area, you and your sons could stay with them and schedule to have lunch or something in nuetral surroundings.

Sorry, but the current plan sounds too unprotected, IMO.

MA

 

[jdomep]

Sorry, but the current plan sounds too unprotected, IMO.

MA

I am sorry but that is what I was thinking too - we all have a hard enough time protecting our children and from your past with him it just scares me as to what "could" happen. Good luck with all of this...you are the mom and have to do what is best for your boys.

 

[ChrystalPaths]

Miniv makes a very valid point...what IF he won't give them back? I agree with a public supervised short visit IF they really want it. I or my immediate family would have to be right there for the initial meetings for quite some time before any trust would come into play. Please be very very careful.

 

[Charley]

The ONLY way I would allow it to happen would be as a supervised visit, with ME. And if I couldn't accompany then at this time, they'd just have to wait. Since you have family in the general area, you and your sons could stay with them and schedule to have lunch or something in nuetral surroundings.
Sorry, but the current plan sounds too unprotected, IMO.

MA

ditto! A week is a long time, I would just do as you are comfortable

I'd feel so much better if it were us going up there to spend a day with them, then hotel over-night, spend another afternoon then come home. Ease my way into it....

But realize that (you and or the boys) being up there is inviting your ex back into your lives. I don't think I would do that after all the things that have happened. You know that you cannot control what he will do if given the chance.

 

[zoey829]

It is hard and thier is not a right decision. I wish you could have went with them and stayed in a motel. Have them stay the nights with you. I dont think you did the wrong thing. Eventually they will see thier dad. Do you think he changed or got help? You have enough resources and I am sure it will be fine. It will ease thier minds of who thier dad is. In thier minds he might be superman.How did he get away with owing all that money in child support? Esp since they know where he lives.

Good luck.

 

[AppyLover2]

If they want to meet their grandparents perhaps the grandparents can make a trip to visit the boys. Maybe at some half way point. I agree with the majority of the others, I wouldn't let them go. I don't believe your relatives would have any legal right to interfere with anything the father chose to do, even if they were willing to get involved. And.....that's asking a lot of your relatives.