Relationships stink........

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alongman

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A few months ago, I met this great guy - he enjoyed the horses, doing things together, etc... I was on cloud 9. Over the past 6 months we have had primarily great times, with an occassional bump in the road. Yesterday, I found out that he was cheating on me - not necessarily "going all the way", but darn close. Also, carrying on text/email conversations that were more explicit than anything I would consider "chatting". I confronted him about it - he got upset as he felt I had crossed the border and was invading his personal space. Subsequently, he ended up breaking up with me last night - I was the bad person for questioning and not trusting him. I'm so upset and feel horrible. Any advice? Did I do the right thing by questioning him? What is the line - when does "dirty talk" and "hanging out" constitute cheating? I'm so lost.
 

Miniv

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Oh Lord........That hurts. And to be honest, he used your "questioning" as an excuse to break up, IMO. You two were a team, right? You had every right to ask. No. He didn't physically cheat but he was emotionally cheating, which is almost worse. If he was being true to you, then he wouldn't have felt you were "crossing the line". (I speak from experience, not theory.)

Whatever you do.....do NOT take on the guilt. YOU were not wrong. Got that???
 

Jesper

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alongman, I am far from an oracle on relationships, but in my world a friendship crosses the line into a relationship when you go from a single kiss on the chin to one on the mouth, chatting is just that, chatting. It's fantasies and people can have all the fantasies they want, as long as they stay on the mat with real life actions.

his reaction of breaking up with you when you questioned him about his "odd" behaviour and it clearly shows the flour in his bag wasn't all that white, if you know what I mean.

it hurts like heck, but it will pass and you will be happy again.
 

alongman

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Thanks Miniv - I hear what you're saying with my ears (okay eyes), but my heart still isn't listening. I'm not the typical gay guy - I want a family, house with a fence and someone to share everything with. All with being completely and utterly monogamous. Unfortunately, there are still people in the community that feel that since we can't get married (that darn piece of paper) that the relationship isn't "formal" and therefore the opportunity to screw around is okay.

I want a good one darnit! Thanks for listening.
 
E

Elsa

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My ex boyfriend did something similar to me. He was still talking to his ex girlfriend behind my back and made an effort to hide it from me. Come to find out, she had spent the night at his house one time while we were together, but "nothing happened" so that made it ok. The texts they were exchanging said they wanted to cuddle with eachother and things of that nature. Kind of makes you wonder what they did that night...
 

alongman

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There are days I LOVE technology, but it seems that it's made this VERY gray area in the relationship area. What exactly is crossing the line - is emotional or verbal cheating any less hurtful? I don't think so, but what does everyone else think?
 

LindaL

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I agree with MA on this...believe it or not (and you know what I am talking about Adam). I also agree that he used your questioning him as a way to make his "out" with you...Trudi did the same thing to me. He made you the "bad guy", which you are not. I know your heart hurts, because I know how much you cared about him and it will take some time. But, know in your heart that you are the one who DESERVES to have everything you want in a relationship and it is not too much to ask to have it someday with the right person...and Brian wasnt it.

((((((((Adam))))))))
 

Miniv

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Thanks Miniv - I hear what you're saying with my ears (okay eyes), but my heart still isn't listening. I'm not the typical gay guy - I want a family, house with a fence and someone to share everything with. All with being completely and utterly monogamous. Unfortunately, there are still people in the community that feel that since we can't get married (that darn piece of paper) that the relationship isn't "formal" and therefore the opportunity to screw around is okay.

I want a good one darnit! Thanks for listening.
Adam, it IS possible. I wrote with my experience as a long time married person. We worked it out because we were long-timed marrieds. You two were newbies in a relationship. Obviously what you wanted and what he wanted were different. I wish I could say that more gently. But what YOU want is possible with the right person - straight or gay - everyone has to find the one who "clicks", who is more than a physical romantic partner, but also a friend. I could go on and on about a very dear friend of mine from childhood who was able to find just the person and relationship you are wanting and he got his wish! They were great! And they were together for over 20 years! Yes, it is possible.
 

MinisOutWest

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This explains it all-

'Surviving Infidelity'- Making Decisions, Surviving the Pain.

by Rona Subotnik and Gloria Harris.

-Understand the different kinds of affairs and why they happen, including Internet and Emotional affairs.

-Cope with your emotions, from grief to rage.

-Learn what it takes to be a survivor.

I hate reading, but this explained a lot in a nonjudgmental way.
 
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alongman

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Thanks for the recommendation! I need something to help explain this. Maybe we'll have to start a Lil Beginnings library.......I'll buy the first book of coping.
 

Marty

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Hey Adam, take it from an old lady that's been around the block more times than I care to remember. In this world you can trust one person and that person is Y O U. The dude stuck it to you and since trust is a major part of a relationship, I'd be kicking him to the curb right quickly and not let him twist a dadgum thing around no way no how. He's a Casanova. He's out. Done. Finished and Kaput.

Now seems to me, you really are on the prowl for that perfect love and picket fence and all that. Good soild choice I think. So if I were in your shoes, I think at this stage of the game, I'd be surfing on over to that E Harmony thingy and take my chances and give it a whirl.
 

Jill

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Adam, you did the right thing! And the alternative was to say nothing and just boil over inside with worry. It doesn't sound like he was nearly good enough for you!!! You shouldn't even think of settling for someone who won't do by you as you do by him.
 

Laura

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[SIZE=12pt]Adam,[/SIZE]

I'm so sorry honey! That just sucks. I am of the opinion that dirty talk (or text), snuggling up or WHATEVER *is* cheating. It's a betrayal of trust, no matter how the person tries to say it's harmless. It may be harmless to *him*, but it's devestating to you


By the way, I don't think there's a "typical" anything in this world.
If you want a family with a trusted, loving, mongomous partner/lifemate/husband, then stick to your guns. Your man is out there, looking for you. I thought I would never find mine. It took me 35 years, but I found him and he is SO, SO, SO worth the wait, pain and struggle to find him.


My Sister and her AMAZING partner Dianne have been together 15 years. I was blessed with an amazing sister at birth, now I have the TWO most wonderful sisters imaginable!!
 

maplegum

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Cheating... I'd consider it cheating. Simple as that.

So sorry you are going through this. I hope your heart heals quickly.
 

Ashley

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I do think you did the right thing. You are also a great guy, heck if I was a gay guy you would be perfect, out going, nice dresser, very friendly and a pain in the butt


Anyway, you can do better then that and deserve better. HUm..........I have a guy in mind for you...........

WHatever you do, dont get married its even tougher!
 

alongman

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Thanks guys! I do appreciate all the support. Other than one other person, you are the only people that I wanted to talk to.

Ashley - you seem to have done all right for yourself, so I'm willing to let you play matchmaker for me in the near future. I need a couple days to recover though. Plus, if I went on a double date I would get to see YOU too.
 

Ashley

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Ya, good luck on the double date. Once you get married and throw a kid in the mix that doesnt happen anymore. Im lucky to get one on one time.
 

MyBarakah

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Hi!

GO WITH YOU GUT INSTINCT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was married for 8 years...... and I know that senario WAY too well...... My X would get all crabby and upset if I DARE question him about his drinking.....

From what I learned over the years....... not just with the drinking...... if someone gets ALL upset over something that "shouldn't" be that big of a deal...... and they do get upset over it.......

That right there tells me that they are trying to cover something up!!! And try to start a fight to drop that conversation!

Just GO with you GUTT instinct!!!!!
 

bluetaterbaby

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I'm so sorry, Adam. You're such a wonderful person and certainly don't deserve to be treated in such a way. We all care and want you to be able to smile again and really mean it. You have so many friends on here that genuinely care about you. They have offered some great advice. You deserve a lot better. There is a wonderul person out there who is searching for someone like you. Gee, you're a rare treasure. You're smart, handsome, caring, love animals, fun to be around, loyal, save lives, and OUR HERO!
We all wish you the best and we're just a click away.

God bless,

Joan
 

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