well now, you guys are just about to make me cry! such sweet words from everyone!
i have to tell you, i'm coping better than i ever thought i could in these circumstances. you know, i think for most people, it's almost a certain that at some time or another, we wonder what we would do without our mates should something unforeseen happen. i know over my 11 years with gary, i have had thoughts even before he became ill, thoughts of 'whatever would i DO without this man??' now that i am faced with exactly this prospect, i have come to realize that i CAN go on living although my life will never be the same...
for years, when gary came home from working a construction job, the back door would fly open and i would be greeted with "LUUUCY!! I'M HOME!!!", ala desi arnez in the "i love lucy" comedies. some of you, i know, are old enough to remember those.
there was never a dull moment around this farm. gary always had projects going, always building something, he almost always had his tool belt strapped on. he would tell me "i'm beautifying the company area." everywhere i look around here, both inside and out, i have reminders of him. most, if not all of them, have a story behind them and i have such fond memories of things we did together.
when we first moved out here 10 years ago, on my way out the door one day, i told him i'd like to have him build a hitching post for me when he had time. when i arrived home 8 hours later, there it was, set in concrete and on the top post was inscribed the words "gary loves nina" with the date.
in 11 years, i have never wanted for anything. if i thought i needed another dog, gary would say "honey, you do whatever you want!" if i thought i should add another mini horse, even though that was done not too many months ago when i had enough on my plate, gary said "honey, you just do whatever you want." i cannot think of a single time that he even said to me "are you SURE you wanna do THAT?"
we were always happy just to be together. i couldn't wait to get home from work, just to be with him. i would put off a shopping trip for as long as i could just because i didn't want to leave home and be gone from him for a single minute. it's been this way from the beginning. we both often wished we had met long before we did because had we met sooner, we would have had so many more years together. we've crammed a LOT of living into 11 years, every minute of every day has been happy, although the past 21 months since his diagnosis have been bittersweet. still, i would not trade a single minute of any of it for all the tea in china.
finally...much of my strength comes from watching how gary's dear, sweet mother has dealt with recent events and really, how she has dealt with his illness from the very beginning. although she is stoic, she is not afraid to cry and she is not so consumed with her own grief that she cannot comfort me when i need it. she is an amazing woman, that cannot be said enough. she told me not long ago that although she lost her own husband and she has lost 2 grandsons and had other sad times in her life, going through this with gary has been the hardest thing she has ever done. heck, she and i have lived together under the same roof almost 24/7 for the past 10 days and we have become almost like sisters. i can't imagine coping with all of this without her.
so, that's it, not really in a nutshell
OH! but i wanted to give credit where credit is due! i guess when it comes right down to it, gary has made it oh so easy to love him!!!
xoxo, i'm tired and i'm heading to bed. love to you all! charlene
