>>>>> Checking his underwear drawer NOW! :new_shocked:
Can men and women just be friends?
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>>>>> Checking his underwear drawer NOW! :new_shocked:
RainSong
Well-Known Member
Honestly, I wondered the same thing once or twice with Dave- he made a friend at work who was blonde and skinny as a rail, and he offered to take her home from work sometimes.
I got over it pretty quick after I confessed- and even met her and became friends with her myself!
I got over it pretty quick after I confessed- and even met her and became friends with her myself!
Ok, cheating or not, thinking about it or not, if you value your marriage and your family you simply do not put yourself in temptations path. You steer clear! No if's and's or but's! And, if your spouse is having issues with someone you are around you repsect them enough to fix it, and not be around that person if at all possible. Which in this case it is totaly possible.
Your husband is not necessarily cheating but maybe really enjoying the attention this woman gives to him. That is bad enough and can lead to thoughts that do not need to be there.
Your husband is not necessarily cheating but maybe really enjoying the attention this woman gives to him. That is bad enough and can lead to thoughts that do not need to be there.
Girrawheen
Well-Known Member
[SIZE=14pt]I am responding here as I can't e-mail you at home about this over the weekend.[/SIZE]
You have received some very good advice here!
The thing that I don't like is:
a) him pointing out that you are insecure
&
b) that he has continued to see this woman even though he knows how much it upsets you.
You are such a beautiful person and do not deserve this treatment. I do understand that everyone is different (it's what makes the world go around) however, I am from the school of "do not do to others what you would not like done to yourself".
I would never form a close friendship with ANY man out of pure respect for my husband. He also would never do that to me (he knows first hand how dangerous it is to get too close to friends as he caught his ex-wife sleeping with his so called FRIEND!).
Why would a married man/woman really feel the need to have a close friend of the opposite sex??
My father had numerous affairs before my mother finally had the courage to leave him. The thing that makes me sick now, is how he turned the situation around blaming my Mum for him having affairs! The only problem I can see looking back, is that my Father simply had a problem keeping his $&*@ in his pants. My poor Mum had nothing to do with it! He was always going to have affairs, it is just the type of man he is!
Also I agree 100% about not putting yourself in a situation where there could be temptation. It has nothing to do with trust and everything to do with respect. By spending time (like 12 hours) with someone of the opposite sex, it is inevitable that chemistry will develop at some point. This is very dangerous territory in my opinion.
All I can say is this.........if you can handle this situation (be 100% honest with yourself) then you have no problem......................but.............. if you can't handle it (and really, who could) then he needs to end the situation out of respect for you or you need to really think about your future together!
I love you and will be here for you no matter what
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[SIZE=14pt]Speak to you over the weekend.[/SIZE]
You have received some very good advice here!
The thing that I don't like is:
a) him pointing out that you are insecure
&
b) that he has continued to see this woman even though he knows how much it upsets you.
You are such a beautiful person and do not deserve this treatment. I do understand that everyone is different (it's what makes the world go around) however, I am from the school of "do not do to others what you would not like done to yourself".
I would never form a close friendship with ANY man out of pure respect for my husband. He also would never do that to me (he knows first hand how dangerous it is to get too close to friends as he caught his ex-wife sleeping with his so called FRIEND!).
Why would a married man/woman really feel the need to have a close friend of the opposite sex??
My father had numerous affairs before my mother finally had the courage to leave him. The thing that makes me sick now, is how he turned the situation around blaming my Mum for him having affairs! The only problem I can see looking back, is that my Father simply had a problem keeping his $&*@ in his pants. My poor Mum had nothing to do with it! He was always going to have affairs, it is just the type of man he is!
Also I agree 100% about not putting yourself in a situation where there could be temptation. It has nothing to do with trust and everything to do with respect. By spending time (like 12 hours) with someone of the opposite sex, it is inevitable that chemistry will develop at some point. This is very dangerous territory in my opinion.
All I can say is this.........if you can handle this situation (be 100% honest with yourself) then you have no problem......................but.............. if you can't handle it (and really, who could) then he needs to end the situation out of respect for you or you need to really think about your future together!
I love you and will be here for you no matter what
[SIZE=14pt]Speak to you over the weekend.[/SIZE]
RobinRTrueJoy
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There is an old saying.... Keep your friends close.... keep your enemies closer.
I am not saying that this woman is your enemy... but get to know her, check her out, watch her closely and see what her intentions are. Watch her eyes. Watch how she dresses. Check his email and cell phone records too.
I would also bite the bullet and "learn to enjoy" flying. Be his flying buddy, NOT HER!
I am not saying that this woman is your enemy... but get to know her, check her out, watch her closely and see what her intentions are. Watch her eyes. Watch how she dresses. Check his email and cell phone records too.
I would also bite the bullet and "learn to enjoy" flying. Be his flying buddy, NOT HER!
backwoodsnanny
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Well Im not going to get into your personal specifics but am going to answer your original question. Can a man or woman have a friend who is of the opposite sex. I have been married almost 40 years and the answer is yes. We have many mutual friends who are friends to both of us but closer to one of us or the other. While many of these friendships started with one of us they have almost all developed into friendships that we both enjoy. Have I ever been jealous sure has he ever been jealous sure. We both have worked away from home with members of the opposite sex for many years. IF you want to know more about the motivation behind your husbands friendship get to know her. The unknown can be much worse than someone you know. If your hubby is a dog he will be a dog no matter wht you say or think. If he is an honorable husband he will be that on all fronts. I dont buy into the physical attraction always takes place given time and opportunity. NOT ALWAYS. It depends greatly on the nature of the people involved. I have never had an affair and truly have never been tempted I took my vows to heart. Not that many do that but I have had several male friends and still do and wouldnt trade them just as my hubby has several female friends and he wouldnt trade them either. The perspective we get from those friends help us both be better spouses to each other but as I said it all depends on what you go looking for.
Sonya
Well-Known Member
The key word here is mutual...this is not a mutual friendship.
ChrystalPaths
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Hmmmm, I've read the replies and I will still answer, yes. Men and women can be just friends but married folk need to be sensitive to the reactions of their spouse. I have friend, a guy for over 30 yrs now. When I married I made sure my husband knew Micheal was part of the pkg. He is my soul brother, if I were male he is who I would be. Being male he can do all the exciting things I used to be able to do in my youth but with kids couldn't any more. He married and his wife had a real problem with it and it yes it hurt our relationship but he backed off only calling twice yearly, I've seen him 3 times in 22 yrs..granted he lives in Wa now but he used to live closer. I chose to stand my ground and keep my "friend", however he gave me up so to speak but it's nice to hear from him now and again but it isn't the same and I miss my brother.
For you, I would meet her, sit about on the ground and watch the planes, let your woman's intuition flow and then decide. Friends, be they male or female, are very hard to find let alone keep. One just has to have boundaries and respect for their signifigant other and never hurt them with a friendship. One's wife/husband/ sig other is most important...but that siad a human must thrive on a variety of people and experience. I Hate flying and won't either BUT it is fun to watch.
For you, I would meet her, sit about on the ground and watch the planes, let your woman's intuition flow and then decide. Friends, be they male or female, are very hard to find let alone keep. One just has to have boundaries and respect for their signifigant other and never hurt them with a friendship. One's wife/husband/ sig other is most important...but that siad a human must thrive on a variety of people and experience. I Hate flying and won't either BUT it is fun to watch.
Charlene
Well-Known Member
years ago, when i was going through this very same thing, oprah did a show about this very topic. something she said stuck with me and that was the fact that even IF (big BIG if) there is nothing physical going on between this man and his "friend", the emotional attachment he feels to her is every bit as threatening to a marriage as a physical relationship would be.
for me, just the fact that i begged, cried, pleaded, screamed, threw things, cajoled, promised to change MYSELF (even though i didn't know what those changes could have even been--not saying i am or was perfect but he sure never complained), sought counseling, beat myself up for apparently not being what he wanted me to be, tried to include myself in their outings (i was turned down every single time when i suggested perhaps i could join them for supper)...all of those things made absolutely no difference.
while i was no slouch and took great pains to keep myself fit, she was 30 years younger, very attractive, sickeningly cute, had hair to die for, was a professional (they worked together), i simply could not compete with her and my marriage ended over it.
that was 11 years ago and even though at this point, my ex and i are very good friends, i cannot even say her name nor can i visualize her without wanting to rip her head off and vomit down her neck. never, in a million years, can i forget or forgive the hurt i felt.
for me, just the fact that i begged, cried, pleaded, screamed, threw things, cajoled, promised to change MYSELF (even though i didn't know what those changes could have even been--not saying i am or was perfect but he sure never complained), sought counseling, beat myself up for apparently not being what he wanted me to be, tried to include myself in their outings (i was turned down every single time when i suggested perhaps i could join them for supper)...all of those things made absolutely no difference.
while i was no slouch and took great pains to keep myself fit, she was 30 years younger, very attractive, sickeningly cute, had hair to die for, was a professional (they worked together), i simply could not compete with her and my marriage ended over it.
that was 11 years ago and even though at this point, my ex and i are very good friends, i cannot even say her name nor can i visualize her without wanting to rip her head off and vomit down her neck. never, in a million years, can i forget or forgive the hurt i felt.
Jill
Aspiring Cowgirl
Ooooh, no. I'd not be having any of that going on.
What I think is that men/women usually are one-on-one doing things as just two people alone unless at least one of them has a romantic interest in the other.
What I think is that men/women usually are one-on-one doing things as just two people alone unless at least one of them has a romantic interest in the other.
Sonya
Well-Known Member
You wanted a man's point of view...so I asked my husband...and let him read this post.
He says no...this is not good and it is not acceptable.
He said what Marty said....stomp on her flying face!
He says no...this is not good and it is not acceptable.
He said what Marty said....stomp on her flying face!
Cathy_H
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I haven't read the other responses & since I read your post last night I don't remember if she is HAPPILY married or not. If not, then I would be concerned... If they fly together 1-2 times a year then I would not worry so much - more often - yes.... The problem with this situation is it sets them up for more temptation should the "ya wanna" arises........... Out of respect for you he should discontinue this practice. If he does not I would find my own hobby, perhaps one both sexes are interested in.. What about dance classes - where you don't need to take a partner? Perhaps there will be someone there that you can dance with & make sure your hubby hears how much fun you are having dancing with this man....... Float around the house smiling, humming or to music pretending to have a partner dancing in your hubby's presence. Betcha if he thinks you are thinking about your dance partner he will be jealous too. If he does not get the picture & stop then I would start questioning his respect for you & your marriage vowels... I feel the cement of a marriage is respecting your partners desires & feelings ( within reason of course). Print this thread out & let him read it if he feels you are being unreasonable.
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txminipinto
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Ok, I'll play devils advocate here.
I have been in this situation SEVERAL times and I've always been "THE OTHER WOMAN". Yes, men and women can have platonic, close friendships without it ever developing into an "affair". On my side, my husband has NEVER suggested that I was having an affair with these men. Most of my closest TRUE friends are men and most are married, happily. It totally depends on the two individals in the friendship and what their motives are for spending time together. If it's a shared passion that the other spouses don't share, I see no problem with spending time together. Sometimes it's just the conversation that fuels the friendship. I think we can all agree that at times conversations in our own households are boring and have no depth. I have much greater converstations outside my home with my FRIENDS, male and female, simply because my husband is exhausted when he gets home from work. To have a deep conversation with him, I have to get him trapped in the truck going somewhere (and that's if I don't fall asleep first!).
If the woman has no interest in your husband other than a flying companion ( if my husband can't go to a show with me, I feel much safer if I have a man traveling with me. Sexist I know, but I'm less likely to be bothered if a man is with me and if I have truck/trailer problems, I have someone with a strong back to help me too!
: ), then bring her into your life as well. Women who are friends, will not betray each other. Plus it's a little harder for any hanky panky if you're hanging around.
Now, some men do have that wandering eye.....if you don't trust your husband to begin with then you can't be comfortable with his female friendships. But if he's never given you a reason NOT to trust him, I would check my own insecurities in the mirror (and we all have them). Jealousy is only a reflection of insecurity.
But if you're right, and he is cheating on you......you don't need him anyway.
I have been in this situation SEVERAL times and I've always been "THE OTHER WOMAN". Yes, men and women can have platonic, close friendships without it ever developing into an "affair". On my side, my husband has NEVER suggested that I was having an affair with these men. Most of my closest TRUE friends are men and most are married, happily. It totally depends on the two individals in the friendship and what their motives are for spending time together. If it's a shared passion that the other spouses don't share, I see no problem with spending time together. Sometimes it's just the conversation that fuels the friendship. I think we can all agree that at times conversations in our own households are boring and have no depth. I have much greater converstations outside my home with my FRIENDS, male and female, simply because my husband is exhausted when he gets home from work. To have a deep conversation with him, I have to get him trapped in the truck going somewhere (and that's if I don't fall asleep first!).
If the woman has no interest in your husband other than a flying companion ( if my husband can't go to a show with me, I feel much safer if I have a man traveling with me. Sexist I know, but I'm less likely to be bothered if a man is with me and if I have truck/trailer problems, I have someone with a strong back to help me too!
Now, some men do have that wandering eye.....if you don't trust your husband to begin with then you can't be comfortable with his female friendships. But if he's never given you a reason NOT to trust him, I would check my own insecurities in the mirror (and we all have them). Jealousy is only a reflection of insecurity.
But if you're right, and he is cheating on you......you don't need him anyway.
Charlene
Well-Known Member
txmini, with all due respect, i think you might be missing the point. the problem here lies in the fact that maplegum has EXPRESSED her displeasure to her husband and he KNOWS she feels threatened by his relationship with this woman. innocent of any hanky panky or not, since he knows how much this bothers her, he should respect his WIFE'S wishes and end it.
i don't believe there is any give and take in this situation. it would be real interesting to hear his response if he was given the choice of ending this friendship or ending his marriage. i also don't think anybody can truly comprehend the emotions that surface unless one has actually been in this situation.
i don't believe there is any give and take in this situation. it would be real interesting to hear his response if he was given the choice of ending this friendship or ending his marriage. i also don't think anybody can truly comprehend the emotions that surface unless one has actually been in this situation.
txminipinto
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Charlene, I've heard the point. BUT, respect and trust are on a two way street. HE needs to sit down with Maplegum and address her fears. And Maplegum needs to meet this "friend" and give this friend a chance to prove herself. I see the husband's side if this is just a friendship. And if my husband expressed fears that I was having an affair with one of MY male friends, you'd bet within a month we'd all be having dinner together. Friends are hard to come by and we all need them, even if we are married.
Charlene
Well-Known Member
i totally agree with the "two-way street" analogy but that's not what i see happening here. she feels threatened, she has expressed this to him yet he continues to pursue what HE wants. where's the respect for her feelings???
and, i don't think she is disrespecting him by questioning motives.
So you dislike his activity - you mentioned it to him. Hypothetically, then, if you expect him to drop his flying habit since you dislike it, are you then willing to walk away from something he dislikes. There are a lot of men showing horses these days - be careful what you wish for. If he DOES give up flying and then asks you to stop with the horses, be prepared to send them packing. It is INDEED a two way street.
Charlene
Well-Known Member
i used to show horses. i don't recall ever spending 12 consecutive hours with one male other than my gelding.
Sonya
Well-Known Member
She is not asking him to drop his flying hobby...she is asking him to drop the so called "friend" and as his wife she has every right to. Someone said in an early post...who makes up the rules of friendship? Well, she, as his wife does. This "woman" is already causing problems in her marriage whether something is going on or not, it doesn't really matter. This is HER husband and she has a problem with the friendship and she should come first...bottom line! If he had a problem with a male friend of hers...yes, it is a two-way street. If one doesn't find their spouse stimulating enough to talk to, then there are already problems anyway. And a twelve hour trip coming home at midnight is totally unacceptable...
