Can men and women just be friends?

[Danielle_E.]

I just have to add something here.

Danielle E you may be a exception to the rule in this situation. It sounds like you have a totally innocent relationship with your male friend. That is great.

I still firmly believe that when a married man/woman is seeking the company of the opposite sex it is fishy! Warning bells would also be sounding if my husband told me I was "insecure", and was not prepared to end the friendship knowing it was hurting me!

I also believe a little jealousy is healthy in a relationship. There is also a huge difference in being controlling and caring about your marriage.

If you want to have friends of the opposite sex (when your significant other finds it offensive) then don't get married! Marriage is about respect & commitment to each other. I guarantee that at least one of the "friendships" mentioned in this post has one party that is interesred in the other. Danielle E you truly may not be "interested" in your male friend in that way, but is he interested in you??????

:

I believe there is usually a ulterior motive behind such friendships.

I would also be very interested to know if Maplegum's husband would take her up on the offer to meet this "other woman" anyway! Is he just offering this to her to put her mind at rest? That would be a test in itself!

:new_rofl: If you knew my male friend, you wouldn't be saying what you said above about him being interested in me. This is a guy that has been through two divorces, is NOT interested in any of that and certainly not with me. He knows my husband very well, my kids have known him for MANY years, he helped my daughter when we first got into horses, he has been my mentor with horses for many many years...he is a great guy, good FRIEND, if he ever needed help with anything I would be there in a heartbeat. I truly don't understand this mentality of many of you that you automatically jump to the conclusion that it's not possible to have a great and good friend of the opposite sex without anything happening past the "friendship". If someone is heck bent on cheating on their spouse, for whatever reason, they more than likely are not open about it at all to their spouse, they hide all of it. It the guy or gal who routinely stays at work late and has lame excuses, perhaps extends business trips routinely, spends much more time away from home without a valid reason, etc. etc.

I guess I am very lucky that the relationship that I have with my husband, we both feel secure in. It certainly is not to say it's the perfect marriage, we have had our difficult times, but this particular issue has never been part of that. My husband is a golfer, or was for many years and he use to golf 3 or 4 times a week which at first really ticked me off. He would golf with male friends and female friends but I hated the sport. I tried it but I did not have patience with myself for the game. So why torture myself, lol. He would golf and I would do the horse thing. Why would I make him miserable by complaining to him and telling him, no you can't go golfing with your buddies (male or female), why? As I said if a person is heck bent on straying in a marriage they are going to do it no matter what the other does. By listening to the original poster here and her story that her husband moved to Australia and everything else, I would say he loves his wife VERY much and that there is absolutely nothing going on except for his passion for flying. She can either make herself sick over this, imagining all kinds of things are going on, or she can perhaps have the other woman over with her boyfriend and bring it all out in the open.

If I recall in a previous post it was mentioned that he use to have his pilot's licence but it expired and it was mentioned that the expense to renew, etc. is just not feasible at this time. With that information do you not think that perhaps this is the only opportunity he has at the moment to pursue his passion for flying and nothing else is going on, except him wanting to be able to fly? Being able to renew his license or finding a male individual who would be willing to take him flying would solve the problem.

 

[maplegum]

I just have to add something here.

Danielle E you may be a exception to the rule in this situation. It sounds like you have a totally innocent relationship with your male friend. That is great.

I still firmly believe that when a married man/woman is seeking the company of the opposite sex it is fishy! Warning bells would also be sounding if my husband told me I was "insecure", and was not prepared to end the friendship knowing it was hurting me!

I also believe a little jealousy is healthy in a relationship. There is also a huge difference in being controlling and caring about your marriage.

If you want to have friends of the opposite sex (when your significant other finds it offensive) then don't get married! Marriage is about respect & commitment to each other. I guarantee that at least one of the "friendships" mentioned in this post has one party that is interesred in the other. Danielle E you truly may not be "interested" in your male friend in that way, but is he interested in you??????

:

I believe there is usually a ulterior motive behind such friendships.

I would also be very interested to know if Maplegum's husband would take her up on the offer to meet this "other woman" anyway! Is he just offering this to her to put her mind at rest? That would be a test in itself!

:new_rofl: If you knew my male friend, you wouldn't be saying what you said above about him being interested in me. This is a guy that has been through two divorces, is NOT interested in any of that and certainly not with me. He knows my husband very well, my kids have known him for MANY years, he helped my daughter when we first got into horses, he has been my mentor with horses for many many years...he is a great guy, good FRIEND, if he ever needed help with anything I would be there in a heartbeat. I truly don't understand this mentality of many of you that you automatically jump to the conclusion that it's not possible to have a great and good friend of the opposite sex without anything happening past the "friendship". If someone is heck bent on cheating on their spouse, for whatever reason, they more than likely are not open about it at all to their spouse, they hide all of it. It the guy or gal who routinely stays at work late and has lame excuses, perhaps extends business trips routinely, spends much more time away from home without a valid reason, etc. etc.

I guess I am very lucky that the relationship that I have with my husband, we both feel secure in. It certainly is not to say it's the perfect marriage, we have had our difficult times, but this particular issue has never been part of that. My husband is a golfer, or was for many years and he use to golf 3 or 4 times a week which at first really ticked me off. He would golf with male friends and female friends but I hated the sport. I tried it but I did not have patience with myself for the game. So why torture myself, lol. He would golf and I would do the horse thing. Why would I make him miserable by complaining to him and telling him, no you can't go golfing with your buddies (male or female), why? As I said if a person is heck bent on straying in a marriage they are going to do it no matter what the other does. By listening to the original poster here and her story that her husband moved to Australia and everything else, I would say he loves his wife VERY much and that there is absolutely nothing going on except for his passion for flying. She can either make herself sick over this, imagining all kinds of things are going on, or she can perhaps have the other woman over with her boyfriend and bring it all out in the open.

If I recall in a previous post it was mentioned that he use to have his pilot's licence but it expired and it was mentioned that the expense to renew, etc. is just not feasible at this time. With that information do you not think that perhaps this is the only opportunity he has at the moment to pursue his passion for flying and nothing else is going on, except him wanting to be able to fly? Being able to renew his license or finding a male individual who would be willing to take him flying would solve the problem.

If it was only that easy Danielle! Finding a male friend, to take him flying all day long, free of charge! I'd pay someone to organise that so I didn't have this situation to deal with.

I can see both sides of the fence here, I really can. Like I stated, I don't get the feeling that he is being unfaithful, but I do get an overwhelming messed up feeling in my tummy when they go off flying together. I guess it's jealousy hey? I hate flying so I can't even go along with them even though he has offered.

I guess I should move past my insecurities but I struggle knowing how to do it. It's not a situation I have ever dealt with, even in my previous marriage. It's all foreign to me.

 

[Danielle_E.]

I truly am sorry that you are feeling like this. Can I perhaps make a suggestion. I know that financially you mentioned that at this time, that getting a renewal on the license and all the costs involved on top of that is just not feasible. I know what the cost is because my eldest son wanted to be a pilot and when he was 18 years old he use to go flying quite a bit and the cost was unreal. Since you do not like to fly at all and can't take your husband up on the offer to accompany them, how about going out as a group after they have returned from flying? It might help the 12 hour stints you talked about, would keep it to something more reasonable. You could as a group (your husband, youself, the boyfriend and his girlfriend) go out for a movie, or bowling, dinner, etc. Can I ask how many times a week they go flying? Is it a weekly thing or is once or twice a month? Men just don't think the same way we do, you know the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus". It's not excusing this behaviour but I truly think your husband doesn't get it, the way you are feeling. Oh he hears you but he just doesn't understand because he sees no harm obviously.

I have read most of the post regarding my comments and I think I will refrain from commenting any further because I am getting the impression from some of the replies to what I have said, I see alot of anger towards what I am saying, alot of anger from women that have gone through betrayals by their spouses and I feel like that anger is being projected on me because of my statements about my friendship with a male, the way my marriage is, etc. I guess i am very lucky to have the spouse I have and I guess our personalities just match well when it comes to this topic about having friends of the opposite sex. I am sorry to the women that have been taken advantage of by their spouses in similar situation but there is another side to this coin, but your anger is still quite prevalent towards the spouse that was unfaithful to you and I am sorry about that but please direct your anger where it should be, not towards me.

 

[Sonya]

Cost really isn't the issue here: there are organizations he can join to "share" a plane with many people....(at least here in the U.S.)...the cost is substaintly lower than going out and "renting" one on your own.

It doesn't matter that he built her a cute little barn or moved to another country for her, that has nothing to do with this situation, that's how spouses are suppose to be! I still stick to my guns that if she is uncomfortable with it, there is no need for him to stay out to midnight for 12 hrs flying around (with anyone...be it man or woman), and he should respect her feelings, bottom of the line, and not rub it in her face either.

Danielle's situation may not be the norm, but if her husband were to become weary of her relationship with her male friend suddenly, would she stop seeing him so much, etc??? Or would you let the marriage suffer ???

That is the real question here...it is affecting her marriage in a very negative way...what's more important (regardless if he's totally innocent or not)...his marriage or his friendship?

I wish the very best for you maplegum, I can see by your posts that this relationship he has with this woman is ripping you apart and that's just not right!

 

[~Palomino~]

Crap didn't mean to post on this sorry!

 

[Jesper]

Hmm I am most likely gonna get stomped on *shrug* but it does sound very "american" to me with this problem, I have many "girl" friends, always had, it kinda comes with the horseworld. If my wife/girlfriend ever told me I can't go riding with those friends because she is jealous, then she better find another place to live since she can't accept that I don't fly around her 24/7.

It is a good thing to have interests of your own, even if your partner in life doesn't share that interest, you don't like flying, but do you want to take one of his passions away from him? What if he tells you to give up horses if you ask him to give up flying, would you do it?

Friends are special, you don't just say you don't like people because your partner don't want to see them because he/she is jealous, friendship just happens because there are connections, noone says those connections are se-ual, don't see things that aren't there. Should he be in love with this woman, then he should be man enough to tell you and decide if he wants you or her and then move on down the road he chose, if he wants a se-ual relationship with this woman, then you can not stop it, he can just find another way, you just have to prove it, if you can't prove it, then it is most likely only in your head.

If you tie him down and forbid him to go flying then he will most likely break free and you will only be off as the loser.

This is only written to what I could read out of your post, I don't know how long he had this "flying passion" and so on. The new underwear trick, hmm doubt it work, heck I should have new "girl friends" of that kind every three months or so if that was true.

Again this is my opinion and how my life work, and I have many friends of either side, I was even "rescued" my a "girl friend" one of my times in the states, pure friendship there nothing else, doubt her hubby ever thought so either, and I would say he and I got a long pretty well and I miss em both greatly.

Jesper

EDIT: Hmm talking about being uncomfortable about what your partner does, so does that only work if it is a hobby/passion your partner has? What if your partners job makes you uncomfortable, should they quit it too and work with something different so you feel better? (Could be fire fighters, police officers, or even people in the army or other military related jobs, or other dangerous jobs) Don't you think the partners of those feel uncomfortable about it? Where does we draw the line on insane jealousy and acceptance of your partners way of life?

To live a full life you need to do what feels right for you, you branch out and do many things you love here in life, how would you feel if someone came and cut off most or all of those brances off because it didn't fit in their idea of how your life together should be? Do you think you would want to stay there forever or would you move on in your life and get to where you could spread out your branches again and fully enjoy life?

 

[misfitminis]

Women are snakes and men are men. When my husband and I first started to date he had a lot of female and male friends. They all acted like he was never suppose to settle down. He is very nice and a good listener. Women love men that listen. When were first dating women and men would call and talk to him about all kinds of problems. I received a lot of jealous garbage from the women mostl because I was taking up his time. The funny thing is they are no longer a major part of his life they have never been very friendly to me. His sister included. He really learned the true colors of some of these so called friends. Now that we have one child and are expecting another the comments we get are, "oh we just can't believe you're having children -never thought we would see the day, ever." I felt like we had to make it clear that it wasn't a mistake and that we planned to have children. Early in our relationship I would point out the jealous garbage to him and he would look past it and tell me that I was insecure. Then after a while he realized they were just being mean. He doesn't read people as well as I do. He calls me a pessimist. Well so far I've been right on a lot of people and he hates to admit it. Now he listens to me more and is more cautious with people. Women will take the niceness of men and turn it into something else. My opinion call the vet make a gelding appointment. Just kidding. I would met her and get a good feel for her. Tell her that you don't like it that they go flying for so long. Ask her point blank what her intentions are with spending that time with your husband. Tell her that you find it odd and that in this day and age you find it best to suspect the worst and hope for the best. That could send her on her way right there. Make sure you appear confident and nice. Women don't know how to handle nice.

 

[Danielle_E.]

Jesper, I agree with you totally. If you forbid your spouse's "passion" in life, whether it be "flying" in this instance, or "horses" or whatever, you will end up with an unhappy spouse, JMHO. You have to "trust" that spouse and yes that can be difficult when the green eyed monster comes into play. I guess you have to be secure enough in yourself as a person. I look at marriage as a "sharing" of two seperate individuals with more than likely some similaries but MANY differences. You know the saying "opposites attract" and that does happen more than not and what makes a marriage "interesting".

I was saying in this instance that perhaps changing the "partner" that he was flying with would solve the problem but unfortunately I know how expensive flying can be and I believe the poster said at this time it was not feasible to change the circumstances without removing the possibility of flying all together. I hope you have been able to meet the husband's friend and her boyfriend and perhaps spent some time with both to make you feel more comfortable. I would have let both of them (woman and her boyfriend) know how I feel, just to bring it out in the open and see what they say, especially the boyfriend. Perhaps he feels the same way you do about having his girlfriend with your husband and perhaps both of them will see that it makes things uncomfortable for you and him and will go out flying less than they were. It's worth a try and might just keep everyone happy and nobody has to give up their passion totally.

Is their a bulletin board or some place where you husband could post an ad asking for a flying partner, male, willing to share expenses, or something like that?

 

[HGFarm]

Just cant help but wonder how her husband would like it if she had a male friend that she constantly went off to horse shows with.... and was gone for hours and hours.........

 

[maplegum]

OK, update everyone.

Some of you will be pleased to know that I am going to put all of my fears and anxiety aside as he is going flying tomorrow.

He did 'ask' me if I would be OK with it and I have come to realise that life is too short to be so worried all the time. I actually feel good within myself for being strong enough to let him follow his passion without the pressure from me. We made a deal that it would not be an all day ordeal and that he would be home well before midnight! Compromise.

At the end of the day, he is a very good man and I am crazy in love with him. I just have to put my own insecurities aside and let him enjoy his passion. He has a heart of gold. I mean, look what he just did. He surprised me by buying Willow, Bailey's sister for me.

He loves me dearly. I guess if someone wants to have an affair, they will do it. Tightening the reins won't stop it happening. I have lightened up a bit and feel so good about it.

Also, I have been thinking so much about Charlene and her poor husbands battle with his illness. It bought some light to my situation and made me understand how precious life is and how easy it is to take life for granted.

 

[Marty]

Disengage the auto-pilot

 

[Charlene]

OMG marty!!! that was the ONLY time i have laughed today. THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MG, i am glad you have come to terms with this whole thing. i would not wish my situation on my worst enemy but if it has made you or anyone else realize the value of life and love, i'm glad i could share it with you.

charlene