Can men and women just be friends?

[mininik]

RIGHT ON, Sonya!

 

[SunQuest]

Ok, here is my reply without reading the rest of the replies.

Can men and women be just freinds? Well, yes, of course. BUT.... Here is the thing. When two people are married (or in any serious committed relationship), both people should be looking out for the other person's feelings FIRST and FOREMOST!!!!

You are NOT asking for your husband to stop flying. You are NOT holding him back from his hobbies. You are asking your husband to NOT put himself into a situation that will or could lead to temptation.

Further, your husband is NOT taking your feelings into account first. He is NOT making you his priority. And he is only ADDING to the perseption of infedelity by discounting your feelings. This is a MAJOR problem for your marriage. If you have a problem with it, he should care enough for you to make sure that he is no longer causing you to have hurt over it. He should find other friends to fly with.

I won't post here why I say those things, but I will tell you that you are perfectly correct to feel the way you do, and further, you SHOULD BE suspicious of this! If your husband cares one iota about you, he will stop seeing her BECAUSE YOU are worried and he loves you enough to see to it that you are not hurting! Listen to your gut on this one!!!

Oh... as another side note... You husband is acting inappropriet by seeing a woman alone. The opertunity is there for this to go further even though the intent may not be there today. I would view this totally differently if he was going with her and it was a group of people that you approved of going so that they were not alone!

 

[Bluerocket]

I have had many male friends (I am female) in my life that I would go do things with and neither of us had the slightest interest in each other - other than as friends. Some were married and some were not. Usually we would be on business trips together in different countries -- and we would chum around -- as we would not know anyone else there.

It is very possible that what he (and she) claims is just a friendship - IS just a friendship.

If they invite you along -- GO! see for yourself. But don't go with a suspicious attitude. You don't have to be a pollyanna either -- just keep hold of your heart and play nice.

(You could even invite her over -- for something YOU would enjoy doing with your husband (and another person) -- just treat her like one of the guys.)

If after being around them you are still "suspicious" or have "bad gut feelings" -- then there is a good chance your bad gut feelings are right. If you trust your husband - give him the benefit of the doubt --- and get to know her too.

JJay

 

[Charlene]

i should probably stop posting in this thread (raise your hand if you're saying YAYY!! ) but i have to ask you after being in this identical position...

do you REALLY think that if the wife is included in one of these outings that THEY are actually going to even give a HINT they might be more than just friends??? i mean, c'mon! wife goes along for dinner or whatever, it's just the 3 of them...they are gonna be on their BEST behavior.

been there, done that, have the tee shirt. it all goes back to what sunquest said. this man MUST take his WIFE'S feelings into consideration. his marriage vows didn't say "only unto her unless i happen to want to have a female friend whether she likes it or not." :no:

 

[txminipinto]

All that I am saying, is give this friendship a chance. His friendship with HER might bring another friend for YOU into your life. What you are doing is ASSUMING and in the end, assumptions hurt EVERYBODY. Even if he does end the platonic friendship for you, he may resent you, wife or not. Invite her into your life and see for yourself. For all you know, she may be a leisbian and TOTALLY not interested in him.

:

Oh, and I spend plenty of hours alone with men other than my husband. And I'm not interested in any of them other than for friendships and coworkers. I'm called out in the middle of the night by male residents and surgeons for work, and if my husband didn't trust ME those 2 am phone calls could easily be assumed into "booty" calls! :new_shocked: And it isn't unheard of for me to be at work 24 hours straight when I'm on call.

 

[kaykay]

Hmm a bit of a hot topic

Do I think men and women can be friends. Absolutley yes. Would I spend 12 continuous hours with a male friend. Absolutley not.

Can you even fly for 12 hrs?

:

I had a male friend a couple years ago. And my husband was very understanding. But it did get to a point where it was interferring in my relationship with my husband and that is when I backed off.

Having been married for 22 years my husband is the most important relationship in my life. I did not want to do anything to harm that and I felt this friendship was doing that. Even though my husband was not yelling and screaming I know him well enough to know it was making him uncomfortable. And that was enough for me to back off this friendship. I didnt end the friendship just backed off

I think its a matter of respect. I respect and love my husband enough to not want to make him uncomfortable and really in the end HE is my best friend.

 

[alongman]

This may be slightly different, but I work in a profession where we are put into ambulances (16 hour shifts) with partners (male or female). Quite often these partners become as close as any family member and often are part of the family. I worked today, and after seeing this thread, just had to ask some of my co-workers what their thoughts were. I spoke with a crew (Diane and Steve) - both happily married with families. Diane and Steve work 40+ hours/week with each other. Diane says that there are many weeks she sees Steve more than her own husband. Steve concurred. They have a similar interest, often go to each others' family functions. Here's the kicker - I asked if their spouses had ever mentioned anything. Both said that initially, YES! They felt as though this "relationship" was more than just work. They curbed this by INVITING their spouses to meet. The two families are now GREAT friends - ALL OF THEM! It is hard to put jealousy aside at times, I understand. Try it! You never know. Maybe they do have JUST a friendship!!!!

Also, one of my good friends is a pilot - he often goes for day/evening trips. It's not uncommon for him to go for 8-12 hours at a time. As for spending time with someone at a show, there are days I haven't called my significant other until LATE at night after spending an entire day with just a few of the people stalled closest to me.

 

[SunQuest]

Oh, and I spend plenty of hours alone with men other than my husband. And I'm not interested in any of them other than for friendships and coworkers. I'm called out in the middle of the night by male residents and surgeons for work, and if my husband didn't trust ME those 2 am phone calls could easily be assumed into "booty" calls! :new_shocked: And it isn't unheard of for me to be at work 24 hours straight when I'm on call.

The thing is that your husband does not have an issue with this. That is then totally different.

When it gets to the point that the "other" person and the spouse's relationship with that other person cause hurt feelings for the remaining spouse, then the person causing those hurt feelings should have enough respect for their spouse to back off of the relationship without the spouse asking for it to happen.

I find it interesting that many men and women fail to realize how they single handedly destroy a relationship that they should be doing everything in their power to nurture. How is spending 12 hours flying with another woman nurturing the marriage, especially when there are objections to it? It should not have to be asked to have it stop. The man should be automatically saying he was going to stop seeing her to this degree when she voiced her concerns.

And from experience, I will say that if he is afraid to stop seeing the "other" woman as much, then there is more in his heart than just a freindship.....

 

[HGFarm]

There is a BIG difference in being called out to work in the middle of the night and your co workers happen to be male, than going off all day to 'play' with someone else of the opposite sex. Work can't be avoided and that is a business relationship.

I dont think I would be liking this much either :no: but then, I dont have a lot of trust in folks any more anyway. Been lied to just a few too many times by those that are supposed to be closest.

I would really have a good sit down talk and explain how you feel- why can't he buddy up with another flyer that is a GUY? I am sure there are plenty out there!

 

[KanoasDestiny]

Ok....my husband LOVES to ride quads, and there's no way, no how, that I'm going to go out riding with him!!!!! Did my husband go out and find another female that would??? No....he teamed up with his best "guy" friend.

I have to share this...my friend was dating this guy for quite sometime. Then he began spending more time with this other girl, whom he ended up introducing as his cousin. Amanda spent countless hours with this girl, just hanging out. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary...they really acted like family when she was around....until she walked into the house one day and caught them "heavily" making out on the couch. :new_shocked:

Moral of the story...even if you meet her, they may be able to play things off really well! In my honest opinion...there is NO hobby out there, that someone can't find someone else of the SAME sex, to enjoy it with!!! If your husband or anyone else has to hang out with the opposite sex to have a "friend", then something is NOT right! Do I have friends of the opposite sex? Of course I do...and there's nothing going on...BUT it's more of a casual thing where we talk, but we don't make a special point to call each other, hang out, or stay out half the night alone. I'm like you...and I'd be very leery!

 

[Charlene]

i'm curious about something. has your husband told this woman that you have a problem with their friendship? in my own situation, my then-husband actually TOLD this woman that i was not at all happy about the time they spent together. at one point, *I* even told her that i didn't appreciate her spending so much time with my husband and not including ME in their activities which, if they were indeed innocent, why were they so secretive? she laughed in my face. they continued their "friendship" and after 4 years of putting up with it, i filed for divorce.

i could fill a book with page after page of my reasons for being suspicious but how's this...

i'm in st. louis, 2 hours from home, being fitted for a bridesmaid dress for a friend's wedding.

i get home at 11:00 p.m. and find a note on the kitchen table.

they are out for dinner but he'd been over to feed the horses and found my old quarter horse mare out in the pasture, standing on 3 legs. he couldn't find the phone number for the vet so he left her there with some hay. no water, just hay.

i flew over to the barn expecting to find a mare with a serious injury. thankfully, it was minor but still, he should have stayed home and called every phone number in 10 counties until he found a vet. he knew how much i treasured my horses and this old mare was a very special girl.

when he finally showed up at midnight, that was the last straw for me. had he been out with his buddies, watching football in a sports bar or playing cards, maybe i could have forgiven him.

 

[Danielle_E.]

I am absolutely floored at how many of you have the opinion that women and men and vice versa are unable to be good friends (close friends) without it turning into something else. I am also glad that my husband has never told me what I can do and can't do, because he knows darn well that wouldn't work with me and neither would I ever dream of telling him he can't pursue his passions in life even though I might not be interested at all in his passions and he in mine. I am lucky he feels secure enough in himself and our relationship not to go looking for things that just aren't there and I feel secure enough in letting him follow what he likes to do. After 30 + years of marriage if the trust is not there it never will be. I guess as you get older you learn not to sweat the small stuff unless you have absolute proof it's not small stuff.

 

[Katie12]

I think you should take up flying even if for a short time. Go on every flying trip with the 2 of them you can. Then see how long it takes for him to change his hobby.

 

[KanoasDestiny]

I think you should take up flying even if for a short time. Go on every flying trip with the 2 of them you can. Then see how long it takes for him to change his hobby.

Makes you wonder...if you were to muster up the courage and go with them...if they would keep you out until midnight too. :bgrin

 

[RockRiverTiff]

Gosh. I had to really think about this. At first I couldn't even think of a male friend I would spend that much time alone with. And then I remembered when my partner went to Florida for a week. My guy friend Brandon, who was also my coworker at the time, would come over to our house to keep me company until the wee hours. The thing is, Brandon is a mutual friend, and he is engaged to my best friend's little sister (who had just left for Belgium for a year). To me he is not even male--he is Brandon. Never bugged my boyfriend for an instant, because before he left and as soon as he came back we still had Brandon over night and day (yes, he's one of those friends). And when his fiance left, she said "You'd better not spend too much time with girls...except Tiffany." I can't think of any male friends I have that are not also friends--or at least on friendly terms--with my boyfriend. And most of his female friends were MY friends first.

My point is, with you being married, I don't understand how someone new could become such a big part of his life without you meeting and knowing her as well. It isn't fair for him to expect you to go flying with them to get to know her. It also strikes me as odd that this very secluded activity is the only thing they do together. Why can't you go on a double date, or at the very least to dinner together after they fly? To me, her having a boyfriend is little consolation to you, because her boyfriend is not sitting at home alone late at night wondering where she is. I imagine you know many of his guy friends; it just strikes me as very odd that you don't also know his one female friend.

Then again...I seem to remember the time and dedication he put into making a barn for your little guy, and it sheds a very positive light on his appreciation for your own interests. Perhaps you can compromise? Maybe he could agree to only do short flights, or to try doing something all together before or after flights? And I agree with the other member that suggested you get your own hobby--if you're out having fun, you won't have the time to worry!

 

[minih]

Yes, I do believe men and women can be very close friends.... I have several and have always had male friends. BUT, and a very big one, if you are questioning this friendship apparently something has not come across to you as "right", there is probably good reason behind it. Only you know your feelings, and you can not change how you feel. He should respect you and try to make it not such an emotional roller coaster for you.

 

[SunQuest]

I am absolutely floored at how many of you have the opinion that women and men and vice versa are unable to be good friends (close friends) without it turning into something else. I am also glad that my husband has never told me what I can do and can't do, because he knows darn well that wouldn't work with me and neither would I ever dream of telling him he can't pursue his passions in life even though I might not be interested at all in his passions and he in mine. I am lucky he feels secure enough in himself and our relationship not to go looking for things that just aren't there and I feel secure enough in letting him follow what he likes to do. After 30 + years of marriage if the trust is not there it never will be. I guess as you get older you learn not to sweat the small stuff unless you have absolute proof it's not small stuff.

Let me say this much.... While I haven't been married for 30 years, I have been married for just about 20 years and all was well until last year. Total trust between the two of us. In fact, I would spend time every weekend for hours on end with my family and often come home after midnight with him in bed. And my hubby would do as he pleased and leave early in the morning to do his car things. (He is a morning person, I am a night owl.) And we made sure to at least spend part of the day together as well.

Now last year threw a big wrench in the works. I had surgery, his father figure was diagnosed with a terminal illness, and his real father... well... lets just say that it is a VERY bad relationship and things happened to make it even worse. So started his downward spiral into his "midlife crisis" as I call it.

Trust was destroyed by my hubby, Not the other woman who was "just freinds", but by my hubby's own actions. I will never forget the hurt he caused me, the lack of trust I now have, and the way I will NEVER be able to fully trust him in the same blind way again. At least that is how I feel at this moment. Let me just say that it didn't "go all the way" as was supported by the evidence in the love letters, yet by the love letters and his own actions, he could not let her go either. And even now I know darned well that if she called him he would say that it is nothing and that she is just showing she cares. I could just spew my guts over this. It makes me so physically ill to think of it and where this whole thing went. Lets just say that if he ever calls me "Sweetheart" again that I won't be responsible for what my mouth will say. After all, he had been calling me that for almost 20 years on special occasions, and for him to say that to someone else who is "just a freind"..........

Relationships like was being asked about by Maplegum will go one of two was. It stays just freinds or it can turn into something more. 50/50 chance.... If their has been trust all along and never any thoughts of infedelity and then all the sudden that thought is there, there is a reason for this. Listen to it. The fact that Maplegum is asking makes my hair stand on end. Sorry, but she should follow up on it. Yes, I have VERY good reason to suspect. After all, my hubby would "never" have done this to me!!!!!!!

Glad that you can trust your man. I thought I could trust mine too...........................

 

[rockin r]

Thank you everyone. I really am so confused.

:

He has only been out on a handful of occasions with her. He does not hide anything from me as far as emails, phone calls etc. He has mentioned on many occasions that I should meet her to put my mind at rest.

I don't get the feeling he is doing anything wrong with her, but I can't help but feel terribly jealous.

I'd really love to hear some men reply here, as men often have a different point of view.

I have spoken with him on all levels regarding this, through anger, tears and also just being totally honest with him. I don't want to stop him living out his passion as it would be forever held against me. I really don't want to be a wife that tells my husband what he can and can't do.

If the shoe was on the other foot though, I would put my partners feelings above my own desires. I guess thats why it makes it so hard to understand his point of view.

HUH!!! WHAT!!!! EMAILS>PHONE CALLS> TO "YOUR HOME" Oh NO NO NO NO!

Now she has invaded "YOUR " space... And he has let her! I also ended a 27 yr marriage because of this same thing....I got the "Meet Her, its all in YOUR "head" speech too. Well it was'nt! I did meet her and it cramped "their" style, after a while I was not invited to hang out with the gang. He should of told her "Sorry I am married" but thanks for the offer. Pay Attention to this... nothing good will come from it! Total disrespect to you.... My husband DID marry the "Other Women" 6 months after we were divorced. And it is a marriage from heck. I was totally devistated, he took everything, did not even leave me with a fork! Finally, last year he said he was sorry for what he had put me thru, If only "I" would have started going with him on his Harley we would still be married..DROP DEAD FRED!!!!! I had waited 9 years to slap the #@!&* out of him, and I finally did! There is a line in a marriage, and it is not even a fine line, he has crossed it.

I am absolutely floored at how many of you have the opinion that women and men and vice versa are unable to be good friends (close friends) without it turning into something else. I am also glad that my husband has never told me what I can do and can't do, because he knows darn well that wouldn't work with me and neither would I ever dream of telling him he can't pursue his passions in life even though I might not be interested at all in his passions and he in mine. I am lucky he feels secure enough in himself and our relationship not to go looking for things that just aren't there and I feel secure enough in letting him follow what he likes to do. After 30 + years of marriage if the trust is not there it never will be. I guess as you get older you learn not to sweat the small stuff unless you have absolute proof it's not small stuff.

I did not tell my ex what he could or could not do, never did.... I hear alot of hurt in these posts :no: I now have a wonderful husband Art that never was married till he married me. He was 42 when we married. His Mother told me "He has waited his whole life for you"! Trust him??? You bet I do! But the hurt of the first marriage and the scaring is still there...Consider yourself lucky... And don't anyone throw rocks at glass houses, as we All live in one.....

 

[Sonya]

wanted to add...I too have never ever had to tell my husband of 12 yrs "no you can't" when it came to anything...and he has never had to tell me no, simply because I would never even consider doing anything that would raise suspicion or hurt his feelings....I do have male friends from work and he has female friends at work...do we talk or do things with them outside of work...absolutely but it's done as a group or couple.

and remember....affairs of the heart are no different than physical affairs! If anything...they are worse!

 

[Shari]

Wasn't sure I was going to respond to this...but I did show my hubby.

Only once in my whole life did I have a male friend... only reason I was not worried about him..nor my husband, is he was Gay and happily married to another Man.

DH says.. men and women can't just be friends.....he has never seen it in his life. And this is coming from a Man.

He says if a man is spending time with another women ...that man has something in mind be he married or not.

Am lucky that we trust each other and can talk openly about things. We are very much like Sonya.

Both of us find it important to do things as a family because that is what we are.

Neither of us would ever do anything, that the other would ever question and I think that is very important.

My sister was not so lucky. To keep it short ...she found out her D*H was going out and sleeping with other women, he lied about it among other things. She also found out that he had children from other women..after she did some digging. It was a horrible,, horrible divorce....

He either doesn't work,,,or works under the table so he doesn't have to pay for child support.

Took 5 years to get clear from him.

Am very sorry you are going through what you are. I can't offer advise, other than maybe to see if your DH will go to a marriage councilor.