Can men and women just be friends?

[maplegum]

My husband has a female 'friend' that I have never met, although he has given me the opportunity to. They both have lots on common, including his love of flying. She has her current pilots licence and invites my husband on trips, just the 2 of them.

Last time they went, he was gone for 12 hours with her, leaving me in quite a distressed state at home. He arrived home at midnight to a very upset wife! :nono:

I don't enjoy flying so going along with them is out of the question. I don't want to hold him back, but can't help but feel very upset and jealous. I'm trying so hard to support him, but it rips me apart.

Am I wrong having these rotten feelings inside me? I can't help but think he is starting a friendship, that will develop into something else! This is so confusing because I do trust him, so why am I feeling this way??

I'm really confused over this one, my feelings are torn between supporting him and then being a jealous green eyed monster! I'm not even sure that meeting this girl would help as she is very attractive, a lovely person, has so much in common with hubby and much younger.

Aghhhh, I hate feeling like this! HELP!

 

[Mona]

Have you told your husband (in a calm manner) you you are feeling inside, in regards to this "friendship" of his? I must say, I too would be feeling much the same as you. It is hard not to think of the things that COULD happen, even when it starts out so innocently. I guess maybe it is deep seated jealousy, and although I am able to control it , I think if I were in your position, I would find it VERY difficult to do then. I KNOW TRUST is something so very important to any relationship, but at the same time, it would still be playing on your mind. Sorry, I was not of any help to you, but am just saying I do support your feelings, or can understand how you must feel the way you do. I hope you and your husband can just sit down and talk about this in detail, at some time other than when he comes home from an "outing" with this friend.

 

[Marty]

I would stomp on her flying face so fast........

If some woman knowing full well my husband was married, invited him to go flying,

you could rest assured that if he went, I would be in the cargo pit and made sure that

both of them went flying, my way.

 

[Reble]

I agree with Marty not my man :deadhorse2:

 

[Charlene]

whoa! this opens old wounds. i ended a 25 year marriage because of a woman you have described to a "t".

 

[maplegum]

Oh ladies, thanks for making me feel like I'm not the only one out there who thinks that this is wrong wrong wrong!

I want to add, that this young lady is also in a relationship, but not living with her partner. Not that it makes a difference I guess.

I asked him how he would feel if I had a male friend that I went out with and he replied with 'Well i trust you so it wouldn't be a problem'.....Hmmm

He keeps telling me it's an insecurity issue I have and it's my problem that I need to sort out.

 

[mininik]

It's my understanding that in situations like these you are supposed to let your partner go and trust that what happens is meant to be. Jelousy is said to be a result of your own insecurities. Afterall, if your partner truly loves you, there should be no worries about infidelity.

That's all well and good, but I also believe in creating healthy boundaries within relationships.

:

 

[Leeana]

Have you ever seen that movie called 'look whos talking now'? The one with the talking dogs and Krisi Alley and John Travolta .......????????????????????????

Nope, sorry ..i wouldnt let my man (what man ..sigh

go. Yes they can just be friends but that sounds to fishy to me.

 

[alongman]

Who wrote the rules on friends? Since when can men and women not have a friendship without having anything more than common interests? Not every man finds every woman attractive - nor does every woman find every man to be "the one". Maybe they DO have just a friendship. You said you didn't enjoy flying and he obviously does - maybe he doesn't see her as a "woman" but rather a friend who enjoys to do something similar so he doesn't have to go alone. I'm not saying communication isn't key, but rather than accuse, how about find out everything. It seems he hasn't tried to "hide" anything and in fact has encouraged you to meet his friend. Why not take him up on it? Maybe you'll find that she is just, indeed, a friend.

Also, maybe he's just as jealous of you and your friends.

 

[Charlene]

Oh ladies, thanks for making me feel like I'm not the only one out there who thinks that this is wrong wrong wrong!

I want to add, that this young lady is also in a relationship, but not living with her partner. Not that it makes a difference I guess.

I asked him how he would feel if I had a male friend that I went out with and he replied with 'Well i trust you so it wouldn't be a problem'.....Hmmm

He keeps telling me it's an insecurity issue I have and it's my problem that I need to sort out.

nothing good can possibly come from this. just the fact that it makes you uncomfortable should be enough for him to END this friendship. there are no two ways about it. trust has nothing to do with it. he is not respecting your feelings and believe me, for him to say he trusts you and it wouldn't matter if YOU had a male "friend", his tune would change in a heartbeat if he was faced with it. YOU are his wife. what is more important to him?

i lived with this situation for 4 years thinking it would "get better". when i finally had enough of the two of them out for late night dinners while i sat home alone with a peanut butter sandwich and mindless t.v. (or even worse, their early morning breakfasts at the holiday inn!!! :new_shocked: ), i gave him an ultimatum. i said it's her or me. his response was "don't make me choose between my marriage and my friendship." my response was "you just did." i moved out shortly after.

not long after our divorce, she moved on. some friend she was to him, huh?

 

[Sonya]

I suppose it is possible for man/woman to be friends without no hanky panky...but frankly I've never seen it.. I am not saying your hubby is doing anything wrong.

I would feel the same way you do and I DO trust my husband just as you do yours. Believe me, if it were you hanging out with an attractive man that you have lots in common with....he'd be having a fit!

It is not about trust...it's about respect for your feelings...and your feelings should come first...way over his love of flying! Quite frankly, if I was you...I'd forbid him to go and if he doesn't understand why, then he is being selfish...his marriage should come first.

You are not being a jealous monster at all...my feelings on these kinds of things are why put oneself in a situation where something could happen or a situation that may cast doubt to your spouse or significant other. Example... I would never go out to a bar/nightclub without my husband and he will not without me.

edited to add: If I were single I would never ever even consider having anykind of relationship (even just friends) with a married man...it's just asking for trouble!

My sister went through something like this...her hubby was fooling around with her best friend/neighbor/her horse trainer...it was a very ugly situation...he claimed they were just friends too...don't want to scare you, but stop this friendship now before the situation gets worse.

And this is not YOUR problem...this is his problem...and he needs to fix it...right away! ((hugs))

 

[Roxy's Run]

Nope, nope nope!!!! NO way!!!! Been there DONE that!!!!! While I have never been married, I was in a seven year relationship with a guy and we even lease purchased MY dream home together. Well, within 1 1/2 years of living in our new home, we met a neighbor whom we both became very good friends with. I mean, she and I got along great!!!! We were like two sisters - always together, had the same interests, etc. Well, little did I know that my ex who was also friends with her, was working on getting "TOO FRIENDLY"!!!! When I asked him about it, he responded, "What are you talking about? You are so insecure!!!! It's just Gail." I will never forget those words. When I confronted her (Gail) she asked me to leave her property. I had my answer. I packed up all my stuff and on the way out, I threw a patio chair at my ex and that was it. I lost the love my life, my dream home, and what I truly thought was a good friend. That was 12 years ago. Not a day goes by that I don't think about it. I was truly devistated even to this day.

But that is MY story. I can't say whether your husband is doing the same or not. But his response to you about "your insecurity" just sent shivers through me. (((HUGS)))

Linda

Roxy's Run Miniatures

 

[Minimor]

I have a couple of good friends that are men, and who happen to be married. Definitely nothing going on other than friendship & never will be. At the same time, I wouldn't take off for 12 hours with one of them either. I know how I'd feel if that were my husband taking off with another woman for that length of time.

I have other friends that are friends with someone of the opposite sex, and in some cases they do spend that kind of time together on some occasions (and yes, married on both sides). As a bystander who is also a friend I'd like to think that there's nothing going on that shouldn't be, but there is talk about them & you do have to wonder if maybe the talk is right. In one case someone approached me & asked for the scoop on a fellow I know--he'd been seen at a lot of functions with a woman other than his wife, and the story was going around that he & his wife were no longer together, because he'd taken up with this other woman. I was able to say for sure that the story was false as to the marriage breakup, but I couldn't vouch for just how close the guy was with this other woman. I did tell the fellow about the story that was going around about him and his broken marriage--he wasn't aware of it--the friendship is still there but not to the extent that it was and I've noticed that his wife tends to be around more now. The stories have died down.

It's not a matter of trust. I have known more than one wife that was very trusting of her faithful husband--no worries whatsoever, whether the husband was spending time with a female friend or if he was travelling with a female co-worker--all that trust, and all of it misplaced, because it did come to light that it wasn't innocent friendship or a simple working relationship. And in one case it was reversed--trusting hubby eventually learns that he shouldn't have been so trusting of his wife's male friend...

and I'm afraid I don't buy into the idea of "you're jealous of my friendship which means that the real problem isn't my friendship with this person, the real problem is your insecurity" Uh uh, that is a cop out. That one ranks right down there with "well yes, I'm having an affair with this person, but that's entirely your fault because I only see her on Wednesday night, when you are at your drama group--if you weren't away that one evening each week it wouldn't have happened". That was the excuse given to a coworker of mine. She fell for it, gave up her once a week drama group to stay home with hubby, and guess what? He moved his affair to the afternoons when she was at work...

In your case I'd be inclined to be accepting of a couple hours flying time here & there, but the all day, 12 hour jaunts are a bit much. Sooner or later I believe that hanky panky does come into the friendship!

 

[maplegum]

Thank you everyone. I really am so confused.

:

He has only been out on a handful of occasions with her. He does not hide anything from me as far as emails, phone calls etc. He has mentioned on many occasions that I should meet her to put my mind at rest.

I don't get the feeling he is doing anything wrong with her, but I can't help but feel terribly jealous.

I'd really love to hear some men reply here, as men often have a different point of view.

I have spoken with him on all levels regarding this, through anger, tears and also just being totally honest with him. I don't want to stop him living out his passion as it would be forever held against me. I really don't want to be a wife that tells my husband what he can and can't do.

If the shoe was on the other foot though, I would put my partners feelings above my own desires. I guess thats why it makes it so hard to understand his point of view.

 

[mininik]

Question. If he is hiding things... how would you know?

:

Please know that just because you meet her or even become friends with her doesn't mean anything hasn't happened, is happening or will happen between her and your husband.

Asking your husband to agree to some HEALTHY BOUNDARIES does not mean giving up his love of flying. It also does not have to mean giving up his friendship.

In the end you cannot make your husband or anyone do what you want them to do. You can only express what you want and go from there. It's really not about what's right or wrong, it's about what YOU want. If in the end you are not able to get what you want, well...

 

[Danielle_E.]

Okay, lets see if I have this right, you husband loves to fly, it's one of his passions in life and you don't like to fly. He has a female friend who loves to fly so they go out flying together. She has a boyfriend. How does the boyfriend feel about his girlfriend spending this time with another man? Does this woman call your husband up or does he call her at any other time? or is it strictly only when they want to go flying. Jealousy is a very ugly thing and is not very becoming behaviour, it doesn't make a person attractive to his or her partner when the foundation of the jealousy is not backed up with facts that something is going on. I understand how you feel but being jealous ist only going to make the situation worse and you may alienate your life partner. Does he work with this woman? are they in daily contact...these are all things that might shed more light on your suspecting something is going on or could happen.

Can someone have a strong friendship with a person of the opposite sex and nothing ever happen, YES!!! Before I moved away from Russell, one of my best friends was a male as we both shared a passion for horses. I spent alot of time with this person, going to horse shows etc, and it was strictly a friendship. My husband is not a horse person or an animal person like I am. I have a passion for animals, especially horses. My husband was not interested in going to horse shows. So should I have stayed home because he didn't want to go to horseshows???? I would just have resented him for it, BIG TIME. Oh sometimes he would come to the shows but he drove me absolutely insane, complaining the entire time and I am the kind of person who loves to watch anything equine. I can't explain my passion, it's just something I have had since I was a child when it comes to horses and all animals. It's difficult when your life partner doesn't share in whatever passion you have in life. Sure I could have gone to the horseshows by myself but it wouldn't have been much fun, having my male friend with me made it fun and I had someone to talk to who felt the same way about horses, that was all it was.

Why don't you invite this woman with her boyfriend over to your house, get to know him and her. You might just put your mind at ease at the same time about this situation. Don't jump to conclusions just because people are saying well so and so had this happen or this happened to me.... Only you know your husband well enough.....one question to ask yourself, has your husband ever given you a reason to feel insecure in the past about a situation that would make you look twice at this particularly situation?

Would you consider going flying with him once in awhile? It's so much more fun to share a passion with someone who has the same likes then having to do things alone all the time...

 

[PaintedPromiseRanch]

yes i had a man friend, he was like a brother to me, the big brother i always wanted... and yes my boyfriend was jealous of him even though he was also in a relationship and we sometimes "double-dated". we both loved horses and our significant others just weren't into it like we were so we went riding together all the time, my kids treated him like a well-loved uncle and he even loaned my daughter a truck the whole first year she was driving. HOWEVER i do believe that this was the exception to the rule and have also been in many other situations, and known other people, where it was supposed to be innocent and was not. you have had some good advice here though. i like the idea of having her and her boyfriend over and get to know them both... however i must honestly say i also like the idea of :deadhorse2:

 

[Bess Kelly]

I am all for a husband/wife participating in their interests with another person if their husband/wife does not enjoy the same excursions!!! Last time I thought about pilots, probably 95% were male -- maybe why I thought about them

: So, tell me, doesn't he know another MAN who loves to fly?

:new_shocked:

As to opposite sex friends, yes this happens. In fact, I have a few!! However, most were paired as same sex couples -- no jealously there. Even with straight opposite sex friends, constant time together can be a situation that develops differently that same sex ones.

Meeting the friend and her boyfriend together could be an eye opener. But, I would suggest he join the "boys club" at the hanger....before the friendship destroys your own mind & life. Trust your gut and ask hubby to respect your insecurities.

 

[maplegum]

To answer some of your questions...

How does the boyfriend feel about his girlfriend spending this time with another man?

He was a little strange towards my husband on their 1st meeting but has since relaxed apparently.

Does this woman call your husband up or does he call her at any other time? or is it strictly only when they want to go flying.

Yes, they occsionally call each other as they are both volunteer fire fighters but in different branches. They have both attended 'training days' together, thats how they met.

So, tell me, doesn't he know another MAN who loves to fly?

My husband has his pilots licence, but it has expired. This lady offers to take him flying, free of charge, which I guess is pretty hard to pass up. Renting and flying a plane is very expensive, something we can't afford at the moment.

Would you consider going flying with him once in awhile?

I'm terrified of planes!

 

[Marty]

I read someplace that you can tell if your husband is cheating is if he suddenly has taken

a new interest in his appearance and has bought new underwear. :new_shocked: