Anyone else have a son or daughter that did a tour

[LaraP]

Our oldest son has done three tours in Iraq since the war started. He never came home the same person. He seems so cold, and aloof. Things he used to enjoy seems to be of no interest to him. He is 31 yrs old so its not like he's alittle kid anymore. But we use to be so close and it hurts me. I have tried to talk about it him, but he just dismisses me like I am not there. I understand if he doesn' want to talk about it and I never bring up IRAQ or what happened there. I figured if he wants to talk about that part he will.. Its just everything.

Alot of chances have taken place in our family. We lost Josh in Jan of 05, Jeremy got married in April of 05, and our middle son and his wife had an adorable little boy in May of 05. All in a four month period. What a year.

Have any of you had a son or daughter that did a tour of duty in Iraq? Are you having the same problem?

Sincerely

Lara Pier

 

[AppyLover2]

Lara, God Bless your son!

I'm sorry you two don't seem able to communicate the way you did "before". I didn't have anyone over there, but have known a lot of veterans. Some seem able to talk about things and others seem to just keep it all inside. My advice is to not push him, and just be there when (and if) he ever decides he needs to talk. Our kids think "Mom just doesn't need to know about this". Maybe that's where his aloofness is coming from.

He came back from a definite life altering situation and I hope you two can get things back the way they were before his tours. Also, it sounds like a lot of things at home changed while he was gone. Those changes may seem a bit strange to him too.

 

[Miniv]

Lara,

I agree with Appylover, give him time.... Three tours is alot. I suspect he's built a protective emotional crust around him because of his experience and time will help.

Our fosterdaughter's husband was in the initial "invasion" and saw quite a bit of action. (He was in the Marines.) He was wounded and because it left him slightly disabled, he wasn't allowed to go back, even though he wanted to!

Yes, Jon came home changed. But instead of the mouthy full of himself kid, he came home more mature and thoughtful of others, being a great dad to two daughters. He is only 24.

Oh, and my father inlaw spent a long time in Europe on the ground during WWII. He lost most of his best friends......and he never talked about his experience until now he will occasionally say something briefly -- never details.

Everyone is different and in time your son will start settling in. He may NEVER be quite the same. Please don't expect that. But hopefully he won't be so aloof.

Blessings,

MA

PS: I was also thinking that on top of his Iraq experience, he had to come home to a lot too -- both good and bad! He has a lot of "regrouping" to do inside, I'm sure. Perhaps he feels that if he lets his mom wrap him up in her arms like you used to he'd LOSE IT and turn into a puddle of mush......He doesn't want to do that. I'm so sorry, Lara. You must be feeling very helpless for him right now. {hugs}

 

[Bluerocket]

Don't have any children -- am married to a Vietnam Vet and have a brother that is a Vietnam Vet -- neither of them will discuss their war experiences with me. I do believe they have other male friends that they will "let things hang out - with".

Don't have any suggestions for you. Other than to LOVE them.

Sorry

JJay

 

[lilhorseladie]

I am guessing that he has seen things that he knows he can not share with you, either to protect you, or because it is classified. I think that unlike me who is privy to much confidential info, he can talk to no one. I can talk to my collegues...he probably doesn't have many of those around him daily. Also, I think in war, you see enough that you try to build a wall so that you can't be hurt. I will pray for him. Hopefully with time and prayer things will get easier.

 

[minisaremighty]

Just throwing this out there, but do you think the loss of Josh may be affecting him maybe more than anyone realizes? Might not just be his experiences on his tours, but a combination of the two???

Saying a little prayer for your family again tonight...

(((((((hugs)))))))))

 

[LaraP]

I have to agree with alot of what you all had to say. I know there are things that Jeremy can't tell me, he use to tell me if I asked a question that I knew he couldn't tell me.. "Mom, if I tell ya, then I will have to kill ya". Of course, he was teasing me. ALso, there are things that I DON"T WANT TO KNOW.

And I agree it could be Joshua, we sure put a big responsiblity on his shoulders, when we gave him the flag off Joshua's casket to take back with him to Iraq. Jeremy held tight to that flag. But it flew every mission that Jeremy flew. When Jeremy got home, he handed the flag back to David, with the flight log, Joshua's name was logged in everytime Jeremy flew. Maybe we shouldn't have done that. At the time Jeremy didn't seem to be stressed about it. But I doubt at the time he would have shown any stress if front of us.

I just hope he gets back to his loving self soon. I know that he doesn't want to go back. ANd I don't blame him at all.. I don't want him to go back, yeck I don't want any of our boys to have to go back there.

Thank you all for your input.. I do appreciate it.

 

[Sunseri Farms]

Lara,

I to have a son that has benn to afgany & Iraq. He aslo was been in New Orleans during the Hurricane. He was posted @ the hospital that the lootters were trying to break in he had to pass up bodies and tie some up to street signs or weight them down to be recovered later,

The afgany Iraq thing was pretty tough on them all. We have suport groups here and they told us that soldiers would not return the same and that time is what they needed. No, they really don't want to talk about it. The support personal stated to give them their time and when they are ready they will talk about it.

My son has opened up a bit but somethings he will not discuss with us.

I believe your son has taken more than he can handle and the added grief of his brother hasn't helped. May be he feels at fault there to. With all the things going on now he must be very restless.

I suggest that if in time he doesn't come around talk to his captain or company commander. They can get him counseling from a source that handles they kind of trauma.

Tell him you are there when and if he needs you, Tell him you are sorry he had to go through the things he did. Tell him you are so very proud of him! As well as others.

If you are to emotional write it down in a letter for him.

Find a support group in your area

I hope he pulls through and I must say my thoughts and prayers to you and your son and The family

Joyce Sunseri

 

[USMCshamusmom]

My son was Marine infantry at the invasion of Fallujah in Nov of last year, he saw a lot and did a lot, most of which he has a hard time talking about. He lost 28 of his best friends, who had always been there fighting by his side. How much more life changing things there must be to carry inside with somebody who has been through 3 tours! It will take time to heal, and to process all the emotions and events from his recent past. we just let him know we are there for him, tell him we are proud of his service and grateful for that and the fact that he is here with us. Just the transition from military to civilian is culture shock, let alone trying to adjust to all the emotional roller coaster of combat experiences on top of it. It will take a while to process it all.( He may be staying aloof for fear of "losing it".) My son has been home since May and I see just little things about him returning to his old self every time we see him (maybe once a month) He has been out on his own as an adult and will never be my boy again, he is a man who has seen and done more than most will ever do in a lifetime. He told me once he was a 70 year old in experience, a 70 year old in how worn his body is now, and still only 24 in actual years. Give your son my thanks and gratitude, tell him there are lots of us on this board who are grateful for his service and his sacrifices. He and his kind are a big part of what makes America the greatest country in the world.

 

[The Dynamic Duo]

nope but my uncle did and is in nc right now prepping to go back

 

[Marty]

This is so scary to me. My son had to sign up because he reached 18 and he really wants to join up after graduation with the Navy or Air Force. I'm too scared of Iraq. I don't know how I'd ever let him go.

I have no advice other than to just hug him every time you see him.