What can I do?

[ILoveMyGelding]

I have finally reached my breaking point with Jeremy's mom. I know there are a lot of grandparents on this forum so I'm looking for possibly a different perspective or maybe even someone who knows what I'm going through. I need to figure out how to fix this soon! Jeremy's mom lives two streets over from us. My mom lives with us. I've told his mom that she can come over ANY time. Jeremy's mom seems to think that she has visiting rights with our son. She expects us to pack him up at least three times a week and take him over to her house so she can baby sit. I don't really think it is fair since he's only a month old and babies really shouldn't be going out that much, especially since winter is coming up. Not to mention, Ryder has had a cold for the past two weeks already. She makes comments all the time that she never gets to see Ryder. I know this is just out of jealousy since my mom lives with us. But there is a huge difference. My mom is helping us with everything, not just taking him to spend time with him. She folds his laundry, changes diapers, feeds him late at night so I can get a couple hours sleep. And here's the big thing...my mom pays our RENT! Jeremy's mom has made comments to us about how she's bought him alot of stuff and my mom hasn't. My mom could afford to buy more stuff for him if she wasn't paying our rent. Before Ryder was even born, her friend gave us tons of baby clothes. His mom went through them and kept what she wanted and then gave them to us. Now why on earth did she need to do that especially since we are only two streets over? She has a key to our place so if it was that necessary she could come and get him clean clothes. Also, most parents put tons of outfits in their diaper bags because its a given that babies spit up. Every time that Ryder is over there, she will put her outfits on him whether or not he's spit up. He has come home in a different outfit every time and there is nothing on the outfits that he went there in. So now I have to wash two sets of outfits and make sure her outfits get back to her. Its almost like she has to play dress up with him. She even calls him a doll. OH! He's not a doll, he's a real life baby. But tonight was the last straw. When we go over there, it is always so hot that we can't stay inside because we start to feel sick and sweat. Ryder gets hot really easily. We have both told her that she can't put so many layers on him plus a blanket. One layer plus a blanket is fine. When he comes home, he is sweating and really hot. I've even taken his temp and he runs a low fever. It's almost like she puts him in a coma. When we went to get him tonight, he was in a fleece sleeper, plus had two fleece blankets around him. She made the comment that she puts the blankets around him because he sleeps. This is not healthy! No wander why he is sick, he sweats at her house then we take him out in the cold to go home. Last week when she watched him, we told her not to go anywhere with him because he still wasn't feeling that well. She told me that she took him for several walks and they sat outside on her deck! It was in the 60's that day and he's been sick...so she takes him outside? Sometimes I feel like she does this stuff deliberately to make me mad! Every time I tell Jeremy that I'm upset he defends his mom. He thinks I'm being mean because I don't like her. I do like her I just wish she would listen to us and drop the comments. My baby's health is at risk here! What do I do?

 

[ChrystalPaths]

Ok, I am a grammy but "Your baby YOUR rules". Have a serious 1 on 1 with her. Realize also that she is competeing with your mom and YOU for the child. This said, I understand, but don't know how old she is or her health. That said again, he is your child, I would set once aweek for her to see Ryder for a few hours, then see how it goes. He is too too young to be a tug o war toy so put your foot down, it is winter and just hibernate with your son.

Question...how does your husband, her son....feel about this? Older folks get cold easier so the heat is up. All a baby needs is a blanket sleeper and light fleece blanket inside, outside, I would not have a 4 wk old baby out much. As you say they can't adjust their temps as well yet like any youg thing. Good luck, this is a tuffy! Her feelings will be injured at first but she loves the child and won't stay mad long...be firm be loving but he is your child and you are in charge no matter your living arrangements.

btw congratulations on the little one...

 

[minie812]

OOOH, Having been a grandma 10 times now, I am thinking back on my first g-baby & if it is a first for her it sounds like she is just very excited but feeling a little left out since your mom is living there with you. Set some ground rules now (make a special day ONLY for her-ONE DAY) I think baby is to young to be back and forth between houses right now. The cold factor could be medical for her (I used to get freezing cold-ended up it was my thyroid) AND also your hormones are trying to adjust back to normal too, girl. One thing you should not do is put hubby in the mix. If you have a problem with his mother...YOU need to have a talk with her.

 

[StellaLenoir]

I have a similar problem with my inlaws. They live 2 houses away. It is much better, so there is hope. My MIL, is very different than how my family does things. She loves the grandkids, but did things I just could not take. She watched my baby 2 days a week while I worked. When she did things that were against my mommy rules, luckily my husband listened to me and talked to her. My situation was maybe not as bad as yours, some of my issues were, she would feed WHOLE grapes, can you say choking hazard! Or she CUT my babys hair, um, I dont think so! There were things but we addressed them, she already knew I am a strong opinioned/ willed person and would have no problem pulling mommy rank on her. You need to sit down with you husband first, and tell him he has 2 options,

1, he takes your side and can talk to his mom nicely about the issues. I think it seems better coming from their own kid. Then YOU are not the bad guy.

2, You will talk to his mom and attempt to be nice, but you cannot promise no hurt feelings.

If he refuses to see your side, you need to tell her, be forcefull, but nice. Or maybe try fowarding her articles about baby health, ect that show your point of veiw. You are the mom, you get to say what happens with your baby!!!!

Grandparents are great and now my inlaws can take both my babies, 3years and18 months overnight which is great. She is carefull to not do things I would hate, and even askes before doing things! The only thing now she does that I HATE is call my youngest TAR TAR!

Her name is Taryn, and I hate TAR TAR! What a stupid nick name. This woman has a thing for double names, Son JOhn John, my older girl, Brey Brey (name Breyanna) I think I am going to call her Mommom JO JO, just to annoy her.

Good luck and stand strong and dont feel bad when sticking up for your baby!!!!

 

[Marty]

My mom and aunt loved my babies so much. They lived right next door to us and were honestly a God-send. My only complaint was that they spoiled them to the point that I had behavioural problems with them thinking they could do whatever they wanted. Those little guys would run me. It was serious, because they let the boys do anything and have anything they wanted and they had the money to buy them anything they saw in the store; we didn't. That laid the groundwork for when they got older; expecting that we would just hand them everything on a silver platter. It was very difficult for a while trying to get them to understand that nothing in life is free, and we did not have a money tree in the yard, and you have to work for what you want.



She expects us to pack him up at least three times a week and take him over to her house so she can baby sit.

No. Just tell her NO, period, end of story.

I will say to you that you need to get things under control now before this gets much worse on Ryder, not just on you and Jeremy. It's already gone on too long. You had better tread softly too because if you pit your husband against his mother you may loose out there big time. It would be much better if you all had a meeting of the minds and worked together on this. This is your baby; not hers, and most definately not a pawn to be gambled with or a toy doll for her to play with. This is a good time to stop bringing him over there now with the weather getting colder. Just say NO.

 

[Laura]

[SIZE=12pt]Okay, I'm going to be the B*tch here. There is now way in H*ll I'd leave a month old baby with anyone, much less someone who doesn't listen to what I want for my child. There is NO reason he should be going over there. If she wants to visit, she needs to come to your house and follow YOUR rules, period!![/SIZE]

Zac is almost 13 months old and the only person he's stayed with more than 5 minutes is his Dad and that's been in the last month only. Babies need bonding time and dependable routines to feel secure.

I have HUGE problem with the swaddling him to the ponit of overheating. Your're right about that being why he's sick. What the *(&(* is she thinking??? Overheating is one of the major suspected causes of SIDS for goodness sakes! Why does she want him sleeping all the time there anyways? That's just strange! Month old babies sleep a lot as it is @@.

If she wants to see him, let her come to your house. I'd put your foot down, period and don't budge!

 

[ILoveMyGelding]

Ok...now I'm really upset! Laura I'm very scared now that you mentioned the SIDS. A long time ago, she was watching someone's baby and it died of SIDS while in her care.

Question...how does your husband, her son....feel about this?

His reaction is that I just don't like his mom and am trying to keep her away from Ryder. Obviously this is NOT the case because I've told her she can come over ANY time she wants. SHE is the one who chooses not to.

I'm guessing the reason that it is so warm in there is because Jeremy's grandma also lives there. She's in her 70's. I just wish his mom would realize that it is extra warm in there and that Ryder does not need all those layers. Even when she comes here she will go get a blanket and wrap it around him. I just feel like screaming at her saying, "Did he have a blanket on when you got here? Was he cold? NO!"

Maybe its the fact that she only lives two streets over that makes Jeremy think that it is ok for Ryder to go over there all the time. I will even tell him that Ryder needs to stay in today and an hour later his mom will call and he'll ask if Ryder can go over there. The first time this happened I said ok but told him not to undermind me in the future. Well that's happened two more times since then. I'm going to have to put my foot down and keep it there. I'm such a softy but my son's health is at risk. Ryder will not be going over there until she promises ME that she will stop the overheating. Actually I might just tell her that if she wants to see him then she is going to have to come over here from now on. I can use winter as my excuse.

One other thing that she did that just really irritated me was she threw herself a baby shower!

She invited all her friends and told me about it the week before so I had no time to invite any of my friends. I think she did that deliberately. Then, she bought thank you cards, filled them out, and gave them to Jeremy and I to sign and give back. OK...Jeremy is 26 years old I think he is more than capable of getting thank you cards and filling them out. I see it as an insult and Jeremy thinks she is just trying to help. Also, I only planned on taking 4 weeks off work but I later decided to take 5 1/2 weeks off. She oh so conveniently took her vacation the week I was supposed to go back to work! It's like she thought if she did that then she would get him the whole week! She plans this stuff without talking to me first, then expects us just to allow her to do it.

Thank you for all your advice. It was very helpful! I feel better now knowing that other people think this is wrong too and I'm not blowing it out of proportion. I will let you all know what happens!

 

[Magic]

That is so frustrating for you! I suggest that you have a chat with your baby's doctor, and then when your Mother in Law wants to do something with your child that you don't agree with, you can use the doctor as the reason she can't, ie: "Ryder can't go to your house this week-- he's sick and the doctor said to have him stay home". etc. Even if you didn't specifically talk about that with the doctor.

This is something that your husband can't argue with either.

I'm a grandmother now, and though I LOVE my two grandbabies immensely, I realize that their PARENTS are the ultimate authority, and I follow their rules and guidelines happily. That makes them happy to let me watch the babies any time, which makes us all happy-- something you may want to mention to your MIL.

Good luck, and hold strong-- he's YOUR baby, not hers!

 

[MInx]

I am grandma 5 times, all grown now except for precious little Evie..

It's simple like others said, JUST SAY NO! Set those limits right now in the beginning!

It's hard because you want to keep the peace but important honey..the baby comes first and you are the mother!

Probably easier said than done but grit your teeth and go for it. Maybe after a time the new will wear off and she'll back off.

Good luck and stick to your guns and I hope you husband backs you up.

Maxine

 

[ILoveMyGelding]

I talked to Jeremy tonight and told him that I read on the internet somewhere that overheating causes SIDS. He told me he was happy that I came to him about it and that we will definately sit his mom down and talk to her about it!

Finally he's starting to see my point and realize that I'm not out to get his mom. I just hope she listens to us.

 

[The Simple Life Farm]

Would it be an option for your MIL to go with you to your next doctors visit with the baby? Maybe if she hears some of your concerns and your doctor backs you up, then she will understand. Just a thought.