today has been a very gloomy

[dreammountainminis]

I just have not been able to break out of my shell today it has been bothering me now for about a month , But today has been really rough it was 2 yrs ago that I tried to save my mom when she had a massive heartattack in my arms...It has gotten a little easier on other days but days like today and mothers day and her b-day really bother me ...

And now that i am pregnant ( this is the only baby of mine that mom is not here for I have sat most of the day with tears running down my face,, Mom was 69 when she left and i was 29 I am now 31 and still feel like a big baby ,I cant even bring myself yet to look at moms pictures , It hurts so bad ..I would like so much to make a memorial picture of my mom for my wall but I have tried to look at pics and fail ..My 13 yr old daughter wanted a pic of my mom for a project in school where they were making memorials and i could'nt give her one i gave her one of her grandpaps from her dads side..

Is it normal not to be able to look back over memories .??..

I can do it for others like charlene ,but cant not get the will to do one of my own mom ..Everything she left behind i have packed up and not looked at since..I suppose it may be easier for someone who has family to sit down and do this kind of stuff with ,but i have no brothers ,sisters my dad is the only one left and i am holding onto him with everything i have in me ,He is 80 requires 24/7 care as he has parkinsons and dementia (sp) I have taken 24 hour care of him since 3 months after mom passed...It even bothers me when dad talks about her ...I feel bad cause sometimes i have had to leave dad in mid sentence and go to my room and cry..I thought as time went by it would get easier but it sometimes seems that it gets worse instead of better....I feel horriable that I cant even talk to dad about her..

well thank you very much for letting me ramble , I just needed to talk...

 

[Charlene]

i'm so sorry for your loss and for your sadness. i know what you're going through. it was one month ago today that i lost my sweet gary. i keep hearing "time heals" but i wonder if i will ever feel better. i am just now getting to the point where i can look at pictures taken years ago during happy times and not feel like crying.

we all have to grieve in our own way. two years isn't a very long time when you think about it. hopefully we will both be able to move on some day. i'm told it gets easier although you never forget. *sigh*

 

[Valerie]

Oh boy do I know how you feel.......I lost my Mom 11-14-2006....and let me tell you there are days that you feel like the hurt won't heal. I am sure it will, we all know death is a big part of life, and of course as we all age, we see this more and more. My Mom was 69 when she passed also, due to a unexpected, sudden stroke. I know that we all do grieve in different ways and it certainly is not the same grieving process as the next person.

I am lucky that I come from a large family and can talk about things with my sisters, my brothers not as much. My Dad is the one that I am totally worried about, he is having some health issues, and I know esp this time of year he is missing my Mom terribly. Mom would have been 71 years old yesterday.......it's amazing to think how time flies. I do think of things when I shop, oh...Mom would have liked that, or Aunt Jean (My Mom's twin who died Jan 2006)......would have liked that......it's natural and normal to miss people. Nobody can tell you how long your grieving process will take, and I personally think the people who try to, haven't had to go through what you are going through. My husband is a prime example, he thinks my family and I should be moving on and not still "missing" my Mom. I told him, wait until your Mom or Dad passes, then we can talk, until then I am quite happy to know that I have "feelings"......even if they are sad feelings. I know that my Mom will always be with me in my "heart" and I do think she gives us signs, and I am sure I will always "miss" her.....I do honestly believe that is natural. My Grandma died in 1988 and I still miss her...she had a wicked sense of humor!!

Hugs to you and please know I am here if you need me.

 

[dreammountainminis]

Charlene and Valerie ,

Thank you so very much for understanding my feelings sometimes i feel better if i just sit down and type to my forum family most of us here are adults and i can share things here that i can not share with my children .And it feels better just to write down how i am feeling ,i even have note books that i have wrote in when i have noone to talk to...I dont know but it just seems like it hurts more on days like today , and i do the same thing when i'm shopping wow mom would have loved that ..My mom and i used to collect indian things dreamcatchers and such so when i would buy i would buy 2 one for me and one for mom and i still do it ,even thou they all stay at my house .And i definatley agree know one understands until they loose a parent how it feels...I miss my mom terriably.

 

[MiniforFaith]

Mel,

I've been trying to think of what to say to you..It has been 5 yrs ago for my mom, and it still feels like yesterday.I know you have more intense care with your dad, but I also care for my dad..It is so hard watching them get older and go threw so much..I still pick up the phone to call mom, or when I walk threw the door, I still expect to see her sitting there with a smile on..Loosing your mom is the hardest thing to go threw, I believe. A mom cares for us, talks to us and listens to us. Don't get my wrong, I love my dad, but the bond is different.. Heck, I can't seem to get out what I am trying to say,

besides I know how you feel, and don't ever hesitate to call if you need an ear..

As for pictures, I do have one out for the kids. It is one that I made with pic's of just mom and the kids. My sister(the druggie) every time she gets into a spell, she goes threw mom's stuff. That is still just something I can not bring myself to do..So I am with you on that one..

Take care of yourself..

 

[ClickMini]

I am so sorry for your loss. Whenever I write these words they don't seem enough. I just can't imagine being without my mom. If there is one thing I know, is that your mom loves you no matter what, because that is how I feel for my children. I am sure that your mom is with you in your heart every day, every minute. I am sure you hear her voice in your mind at times, giving you advice or encouragement. You lost your mom at a very young age. I don't know what else to say except to give you virtual hugs and wish by writing that it can ease just a tiny bit of your loss and pain.

I hope someday you can get to the point where you can celebrate her life, I am sure it was a life worth celebrating.

After all, she gave birth to YOU!

And you in turn have brought beautiful children into the world.

Sending love your way,

Amy

 

[Sonya]

Just wanted to say "hugs"....no one sets the rules for grieving...I pray that you (and everyone else who responded) can find peace. I can not image losing one of my parents or my spouse.

((HUGS))

 

[zoey829]

I am so sorry. Yesterday was 2 yrs since I lost my mom too. She dies a painful death of colon cancer. Watching her painfully die will forever haunt me.

Keep your moms memory alive throuh you. And she will live forever,