Stepdad's Invasion of Privacy

[Jess P]

I have been getting very annoyed lately. I know that my stepdad has been going into my room and looking around. I was out at the barn one time and when I was walking back to the house I saw my stepdad in my room looking at my computer screen with an Instant message box up talking about my horses. I talked to him about it and he said he wasn't in my room.

Now for the past few weeks I know he has been in my room when I am not here because there is stuff moved around, closet doors open (When they shouldn't be because my room gets very cold). When I came home today I found my mare's sleazy hood ontop of my bed when I hung it over the shower to dry earlier. I have told him I do not like him going into my room because it is an invasion of my privacy and I do not feel comfortable with him looking at my stuff (I am a girl, you know). He still does it. Another time I was in bed sick and he didn't know I stayed home from school and he burst into my room and then saw me in bed.

Any suggestions?

Editted for spelling

 

[minihaven]

This is a very touchy subject .........but here is my 2 cents worth.

I do not feel your step-dad , being male ,should be prowling around your room but I also feel that a parent preferably your mother should have access to what is going on with you!

The thing that a lot of "young folks" do not understand is that a parent worries night and day about their children. Sometimes it seems like an invasion of privacy when it is just concern for your well-being.

I would suggest discussing this with your mother first and then come to some sort of agreement. Keeping an open mind and lines of communication are the keys for this to work out. Let her know how you feel about a man in your room . Maybe then she will discuss it with your step -dad. You should then if possible have a peaceful, adult conversation that includes all 3 of you.

I do not know your age so there are a lot of options depending on that as well.

I am all for people having their own space but have always told my children that when they lived in my home ..........it was still my home! I also have rights to monitor what ever goes on in it.

 

[rabbitsfizz]

I don't actually think that either parent has a right per se, to wander around a child's room poking into hings. Had they reason to suspect something specific then of course they would have to break the "rules", but, looking at computer screens, diaries etc?? No, I'm sorry, they do not have a right to do that.

They may well have a genuine need, one day, I hope not, but no "rights".

Children are a choice, not property.

I , too, think you should discuss this , in quite strong terms, with your Mother.,

I also think you should talk to a School Counsellor or a Teacher/ Doctor/ Pastor, someone outside the family that you really trust.

I also think you should keep a log of the events, on paper, not your Computer. This will give you an idea of whether it is happening on a regular basis, or if it just seems as if it is- sometimes when we are righteously cross, things do get a little out of proportion.

Might I ask how long your Mother has been married to him, and how old you were when this happened, and has he other children??

 

[JO~*]

deleted

 

[Jess P]

I have told my mom about it but she was there when I discussed it with my stepdad as well.

Might I ask how long your Mother has been married to him, and how old you were when this happened, and has he other children??

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She has been married to him for about 11 years and he does have a daughter who lives in Pennsylvania. She got mad at him a few year ago and they haven't had a good relationship since. He feels he can punish me for leaving a towel in my room or something by going into my room and taking away my computer mouse as well.

This has been going on (that I know of) this year. I am 15.

 

[Sue_C.]

looking at computer screens, diaries etc?? No, I'm sorry, they do not have a right to do that.

I agree that diarie-reading is out of line...but when it comes to computers, that have Internet access...they would certainly be checked at my house.

There are evil poeple "out there", and they prey on our youth... "Out there", is NOW in your child's bedroom...in your house. The very place we feel is our sancuary; is being defiled by these preditors, every day, and our children are at risk. If having my child angry at me for caring about them and thier safety, then so-be-it, but I would strive raise them to understand that it is for them, not me being nosey.

But in your case, something does seem a bit odd. Perhaps he is very simply being over-protective though...give him the benifit of the doubt, and discuss it with both him, and your mother. After all, he has been there to raise you for most of your life.

 

[Jess P]

That was really the only time I caught him looking at my computer. It is mostly just walking into my room that bugs me. I understand he may be worried about my computer, but I really have nothing to hide.

The mare's sleazy hood that he through onto my bed was still wet so now I am washing my sheets with a huge red stain on them. I will talk to both when I get in, but I really doubt it will work since I already have discussed it with both and nothing has changed.

 

[rabbitsfizz]

We have grown up in completely different eras, but I do understand how you feel. Since this man is to all intents and purposes your Father, and has certainly stood in for and acted as your Father all your life (that you can remember) he obviously feels he has certain rights. I find it a bot odd that you still referr to him as your Stepdad- do you call him Dad?? I am sorry if these questions are a bit personal, if you would rather not discuss it or PM me, please say, I will quite understand.

 

[OhHorsePee]

Well, I probably wont be popular one on this subject. You have to keep an eye on children! Especially if you have a puter in your room, which I am not in favor of children having. I come from the old school "my house, my rules" and I believe in it up to a point. Yes, teenagers need privacy! He is your step father who, I am assuming, helps in your up bringing financially, as well as, emotionally. With my boys when they were younger I could always tell if they had a "need" for privacy versus a desire for privacy. When ever a teenager commits a crime it is always asked "why didn't the parents know?" Why? Because their children "needed" privacy. I wouldn't get bent out of shape by your step father's concern for you and your well being. He's just trying to be a dad. And knowing what children are up to is part of it all.

Happy thoughts

Fran

 

[Jess P]

We have grown up in completely different eras, but I do understand how you feel.  Since this man is to all intents and purposes your Father, and has certainly stood in for and acted as your Father all your life (that you can remember) he obviously feels he has certain rights.  I find it a bot odd that you still referr to him as your Stepdad- do you call him Dad??  I am sorry if these questions are a bit personal, if you would rather not discuss it or PM me, please say, I will quite understand.

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Well, he really isn't my dad because I still have my dad in my life. I visit him every other weekend so I still call my stepdad by his first name. I feel like he is just there for my mom even though he does financially support me.

 

[Leeana]

I'm over protected to. Like when im on the forum typing ..i have my parents yelling constantly asking me what perverate im talking to BECAUSE we all know if your typing on a keyboard, your talking to someone. Half the time in typing on her or doing a google search, no harm.

My dad always comes into my room when im sleeping. I normally wake up and lay in bed for about 1/2 an hour on weekends, not alseep but just to lazy to get up. And he always comes in and snoops around ..i have nothing to hide. I do get mad though because its like they dont trust me. I have a computer, tv, phone and cell phone in my room ...so i understand there concern.

...dont worry ....4 more years and your out! Im practically counting down the days untill i get my own barn, my own house and my own life! Its only 6 months now ..but im not moving out right when i turn 18. I will probaly get a job this summer and start saving for it though and move out when im about 19 or find a nice cheap place with a barn or have dad build on.

But the snooping doesnt really get to me that much ..its when they move my stuff or look at my cell phone calls that drives me nuts!.

Leeana

 

[Miniv]

It would be nice to know how your mom feels about your step-dad's "snooping".

And if there is a concern - for whatever reason - why isn't your mom the one checking up on things???

BTW, I do not believe in parents invading a child's privacey unless they have a valid reason, ie - drug use or concern for the child's mental welfare. But I would also not have our daughter have a computer in her room with internet access either.

I just find it odd that it is your step-dad doing the invasion of privacey.....and not your mom. And what is he worried about? You should talk this over QUIETLY with your mom.

MA

 

[Leeana]

Oops ..forgot to add my advice lol silly me

.

I think you should talk to your mom, when you stepday isnt around to hear it and tell her that your worried about your step-day going through your things. Tell her you have private stuff in her room and she doesnt see you going through his closets or anything like that.

Also, if you come home and stuff is out of play ..it could be your mom putting your clothes away or something. If a closet door is open or a shirt moved ...maybe its just your mom.

It just seems odd that your stepday would go through your closet/computer of all things ...

I beleive in letting people have there own freedom ...but when a child gets older the parents/step-parents need to back off just a bit. Its fine to worry ..but give them a taiste of the world (Im still waiting for mine to back off and im almost 18!!!

)

Leeana

 

[Jess P]

Well I mentioned it to my mom but she is all for him doing it. I guess I will be bringing it up at dinner.

I have a computer in my room because I do a lot of school work, my brother is always on his so if we had only one it would be used all the time by him, and my parents trust me with it.

 

[Happy Valley]

I haven't read all posts, but I agree with Fran. My kids don't have computers in their rooms and only just recently (for Christmas) got cell phones.

Strict parent, here, I guess, but I see no need for all that freedom yet.

Stacye

 

[keeperofthehorses]

While I agree that parents have every right to monitor their kids, especially if they suspect something, I also think that it should be your mom, and not your step-dad if you are uncomfortable with him being in there.

Someone said it earlier and I agree, there is something potentially creepy about that. It's one thing for him to poke his head in to see if your room is clean and tidy; it's another thing for him to be going through personal stuff. It would make me uncomfortable, I know that.

Maybe have a one on one talk with your mom and let her know it makes you uncomfortable; see if she could get him to compromise and either let her do the inspections or at least accompany him?

 

[Lisa-Ruff N Tuff Minis]

While I agree that parents have every right to monitor their kids, especially if they suspect something, I also think that it should be your mom, and not your step-dad if you are uncomfortable with him being in there.Someone said it earlier and I agree, there is something potentially creepy about that. It's one thing for him to poke his head in to see if your room is clean and tidy; it's another thing for him to be going through personal stuff. It would make me uncomfortable, I know that.

Maybe have a one on one talk with your mom and let her know it makes you uncomfortable; see if she could get him to compromise and either let her do the inspections or at least accompany him?

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I totally agree with this even though he has been with you for years and frankly even if he was your biological dad i would think the same thing.

I agree my kids dont have computers in there rooms but my oldest has a cell phone it is an important safety issue

 

[stormo41]

i'm 17, turning 18 in a few months. I have not growen up in the same type of house hold as you have. but last year my mom was searching my room, and i'm sure if she new how to look at my computer history she would have. i was undergoing lots of change last year and she had reason to believe that she would find something in my room. i felt really bad, and mad when she did that. I told her i had nothing to hide, but if she wants to go through my stuff she can do it when i'm there watching her, and she has to put everything back when she was done. that stopped her, she never even took my offer. maybe you could say that to your step dad. and since you have no soild proof of him being in your room, i suggest you take before and after pictures of your room, when you think he has moved something you will have proof. or on your way back from the barn if you can she him in your room from the barn, and you have a digital camera you could catch him in the act, he can't say he was not if you have that. the most important thing is not to get mad, and angry. if he still does not stop, then go talk to a counsler or someone you trust.

-Stormo

 

[susanne]

You can monitor your teenagers' activities and still respect their privacy. Adolescence is when children learn to become adults. Privileges need to be granted (gradually) so that children begin to prepare for when they are on their own...have you ever seen what overprotected kids do when they go away to college?

If they are not responsible, then privileges are taken away accordingly, but if a teenager follows the rules, gets good grades, is respectful, etc., then that maturity should be rewarded with increasing trust.

I don't feel that ANY parent should walk into a child's room without knocking. I certainly don't mean that a parent should not go in, but simply knock as a courtesy before entering.

On the other hand, I don't believe in televisions, computers or phones in kids' bedrooms, nor the separation that so often exists between parents and children these days. I absolutely hate how so many houses are designed with master suites -- self-contained units where parents are isolated at another end or floor of the house, far removed from their kids.

My mother has always said to treat you guests as you would your family, and your family as you would your guests.

 

[Ashley]

Heck I live on my own and have for over 2 years, I still have to keep my doors locked or my mom will just walk right in.

Told her one of these days she might walk in on something she dont wanna see. Dont bother her thou.