Stepdad's Invasion of Privacy

[journey]

I grew up in a home with a step father who I call Daddy, he was always there for me unlike my father. My parents never went into my room, if I was there or not. My parents completely trusted me and I had alot of privleges that I worked hard to earn. I never gave my parents a reason to not trust me and I always did my own laundry and put it up myself since I was 13. My Mom and Dad always knocked on my door before entering, every time as I knocked on their door before entering. I respected my parents and they respected me. I never had a phone or TV in my room and they just got a computer recently. (they are electronically disabled

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I would hope that they would respect your privacy, if not I would definetly talk to mom in private, without step dad there to interfere. Tell mom how you feel and tell her you don't appriciate wet things being thrown on your bed (that would really make me mad) If that doesn't work, call step dad out on the rug. Ask him what he gets out of searching your room.. Ask him what he is looking for and ask him why he doesn't trust you. Ask him if you have done something to lose the respect you thought you have gained.

Of course it is there house. My mom use to say, You live under my roof, you follow MY rules, and I did.

Good Luck!

 

[ForMyACDs]

KayKay, you said what I meant to say......I just wasn't as good at it.

 

[Jenn]

Danielle, I agree with you about over scheduled kids. When I say "busy," I mean busy with chores, looking after their animals, helping around the house, doing their own laundry, doing some cooking, keeping up with school work, and enjoying their hobbies. I'll NEVER be a soccer mom or a hockey mom - though I would accept football - and plan only on putting my children in 4-H because I think the educational and moral benefits are so big, they can't be measured. I just hope they'll enjoy it as much as I did!

4-H was the only thing I ever ASKED to be put in when I was a kid - and I'm still reaping the benefits of 4-H in my confidence and public speaking skills. My folks stuck me in soccer one year and I remember standing on the field, not knowing what I was supposed to be doing. I'm not a sports fan!

Other than that, though, pffffftttt on structured activities. Kids need to learn to entertain themselves and play with their siblings. My brother was my best friend when I was a kid and we did everything together. He was the best "toy" ever!

 

[Marty]

Jenn I love everything you have said and I agree with a lot of it and it sure sounds good and even looks good on paper. But when you have your own, you will find that it doesn't work like that anymore.

The fact remains that nothing with kids are that easy. There is no black and white and there are many shades of grey inbetween the rights and wrongs.

I have had to step back and re-group from my big old strict Catholic upbringing where when my parents said "sit" I did. This is a different time and I have had to learn about these shades of grey and chill out because my very strict intentions backfired in my face way too often and got me no where. I had to learn to bend.

It's give and take with a bunch of love and understanding and lots of shades of grey.

 

[Leeana]

I think the reason i go more with 'give them the benifit of the dought' way is because i got away with ALLOT of stuff growing up, allot of stuff! Never got grounded, never got the phone taken away, nothing like that. I just never grew up with having 'rules' instricted ..but i am turning out 'okay' i guess.

But i do think that instricting the rules works out a bit better in the end, hopefully when i have some young ones (in a LOOONG time) i can combine both methods of raising kids.

Leeana

 

[Robin1]

I think what is bothering me about this situation is being missed.

I have no problem with parents keeping track of their kids and what they are doing, in fact I commend them for caring enough to do so.

What really bothers me is, "Why does he deny doing it?" If he is just checking to make sure she is staying out of trouble, or its his house and so his rules, why doesn't he just say that? Why is he denying going into her room?

Robin

 

[Lisa-Ruff N Tuff Minis]

I find it really amusing that some feel if they snoop and dont see anything in the house (the kids know you snoop) that there kids are on the right track.. all you have done is taught your kids how to be sneakier and think and plan better.

I had a mom who thought alot like Jenn but she was so caught up in being right

she missed so many things that were right in front of her face if she ever got past the facade of the perfect kid and the perfect family.

The one whose world was shattered was hers in the long run

If my kids were doing something that i felt needed snooping well ... there door would be off the hinges and I would be able to keep an eye on them all the time, however... I prefer to allow my kids there privacy and enable them to think they can trust me and talk to me about anything. That isnt always going to happen on my time and in my way.. controling that is almost ensuring it wont happen.

I trust my teen, she has never given me reason not to and until then she has to be able to trust me. Yes it is my house but that doesnt take away all her rights as a human being. My house isnt a jail subject to me doing whatever I choose whenever I choose as if other human beings dont live in it.

She talks openly to me about everything including boys, sex, teachers, peer pressure and drinking and drugs as do her friends as long as she is talking to me openly i will treat her as a person. When i feel (if) that her room needs to be searched you can bet i wont be sneaking around all that will show her is she really cant trust me. That room would be searched with her present giving her a chance to own up to anything i may find before i find

Everyone has there own ways however... a dad or step dad walking into a teen girls room moving things around , searching things, and then denying it is not ok in my book period

Not every kid works well wtih structure and outside activiites and well Jenn you will see

 

[Triggy&Blue&Daisy Too]

I find it really amusing that some feel if they snoop and dont see anything in the house (the kids know you snoop) that there kids are on the right track.. all you have done is taught your kids how to  be sneakier and think and plan better.

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Excellent post Lisa. Truer words were never spoken.

 

[DunPainted]

... a dad or step dad walking into a teen girls room moving things around , searching things, and then denying it is not ok in my book period

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Thank you, Lisa, for putting into words the core of my concern. A bald-face lie by this guy when both mother/daughter are "on" to him, and not be held accountable for his blatant disrespect, is NOT okay!

As Fizz said, perhaps it's only a "power" issue. I hope that's all to be concerned with....but how far will this guy go in testing her personal boundaries?

The webcam is a great idea....especially on family night when she can make the selection with "step dad" being the star?!

Embarrassing this individual in front of others will surely make him think twice before continuing his snooping expeditions.

Control freaks and cowards get "jiggy" when light is shed on their inappropriate behavior.

 

[capall beag]

I guess we all do it our own way!

However, Certainly this is not my HOUSE, but our family home and all who are in it, big and small deserve respect. There are rules in our home that everyone is expected to go by, not just my kids!

I like Lisa's post, good parenting in my book!

 

[Feather1414]

The only thing with printing out these topics, is that trust me, most parents will get even MORE mad if they know that ehy are being talked about online. When the diary thing happened with my mom, Fizzy told me to print the topic and show her. However, I never did. She doesnt even know something like that went on. My mom is very into her ways. She thinks she is right for anything and everything.

I know this is very difficult for Jessica. To have her step dad denying the whole thing, it makes us as kids VERY angry. I am 16, and she is 15. I know the generality of how she is thinking.

With my own mom, we don;t get along. I am not the perfect person she wants me to be. My own mother doesnt trust me enough to do a lot of things. I have TRIED to communicate with her. Even today, I said I was hanging at my friends house - which she knew about. Well this friend is a guy, and he has a girlfriend. His girlfriend wasnt there, but he and I are best friends, and we do enjoy hanging out, neither of us have any other intentions other then just hanging out as friends. My mom went off on me about how I was "inappropriate" because his girlfriend wasnt there. I don't think its any of her business.

I digress, I know, but please just listen to me parents. I VERY difficult to be in Jessica's situation, and its just super hard to be a teenin general nowadays.

 

[DunPainted]

Jamie:

You always have a home here in NE Wisconsin. We have all the amenities of starting your own training center! I was gonna start a therapeutic riding program, but a head injury nixed that. We have an $8500 sand litter box (80x160) that could use some horse use!

What's up with parents? Guess I'm a weirdo, but I've been very open with our son on all matters that he'll face as a teenager, drugs, cigarettes, relationships with girls and the potential of STD's. if parents took the time to talk with their kids throughout their young lives, as appropriate, then there's no pressure of having the "birds-n-bees" discussion at an awkward age for kids. Instead, they try to shelter their children, and freak out when they hit teenage years. As a parent, my job is to equip my child with KNOWLEDGE, thus comes empowerment. If parents never talk to their kids about what they'll be facing prior to teen years.....life becomes a gigantic monster that invades their home.

With David being autistic, and knowing that "predators" have the potential to prey on the "weak", he's been taught about listening to his instincts and run from "weirdo situations". It happend on one occasion while he was in the men's room....he came out in a matter of seconds. Asked what happened. David said "There's a pervert in there."

I waited outside the men's room, sure enough, the guy made my skin crawl. Having been a target for predators as a child, I have a keen instinct (soul, perhaps) and this individual was "off the scale". I praised my son for listening to his gut feeling and RUNNING. Yes, we call 'em as we see 'em.

Anyway, Jamie, you're welcomed at our place anytime...if you can handle the frozen tundra for a few months!