Reasons why blood isn't always thicker than water...

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nootka

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(this is the SHORT version, but it's long, so sorry...)

A couple recent threads have reminded me that some people don't always understand that just because there is a biological connection doesn't count for everything.

I know there are hundreds of stories similar to mine, I have friends with one but it's their father that acted this way. I thought I'd put this out there just so people maybe won't be so judgmental if they ever read that I "hated" my mother (I do hate her, I can't get by any other way). So I would never judge someone if they had cut off some member of their family, regardless if it WAS that most 'sacred' bond of mother/child. Betrayal isn't something you keep allowing to happen.

It started with my mother around when I was five. She was about 30 and began having some sort of midlife crisis or something so it would seem. She began smoking, smoking pot, drinking, and having lots of affairs with much younger men. My Dad finally had to leave for his sanity, but she got everything. He was so broke he moved back in with his mother in order to be able to continue working and paying for a house he could not live in, a car he could not drive, and a tv and furniture for my mother's new boyfriends and her to enjoy. He felt it was at least giving my brother and I a roof over our heads. Keep in mind that my dad had put off his college so he could pay for HERS so she could then get her teaching certificate, get a good job teaching then HE get his degree, but instead she got pregnant and he had to stay working. She never went back to work. About the time she would have, she found a wonderful boyfriend named Roger..he was about 18 (she was 30) and had never finished or even started High School. That was not his major shortcoming, he behaved as if he were about 13 all the time.

Violent and ill-mannered and of course he was not about working. My mom lied to him and told him things to scare him about my dad and so this violent and very big 18 year old man spent a lot of time harassing my father (my mom LOVED this stuff, she ATE IT UP that someone would "fight for her"), shooting the windows out of my grandmother's house and making verbal threats when he wasn't drinking and wailing on my 3 year old brother and I. He got my brother drunk when he was four years old, asked him to get a tire out of his pickup and of course Donnie fell, broke his arm and had to be rushed to the hospital to deal w/the alcohol poisoning as well as the broken arm. It nearly killed him, I'm sure, but Roger hated Donnie b/c he was my dad's son.

Mom didn't have any fears about leaving us w/Roger alone, though, and Roger's friends did inappropriate things when she wasn't around. She even let them "tuck me in" to bed at night. She didn't change anything when I asked her about it. I told everyone I knew but nothing changed. It took a long court battle for my father and grandmother to get custoy away from her. By this time, my mom had had another baby, a girl, I was 6. I didn't really want to leave my little sister behind, but I had to, the courts said so.

I lived w/my Dad and grandma (mom still got the house) and little brother in a small two bedroom house while my Dad worked to pay off the bills from the divorce. We got to visit our mom on some weekends and holidays. Mom made it all so fun and happy while we were there. I missed my little sister. My mom gave us guilt trips about being w/my dad so when we'd go home, my little brother would have nightmares and wet the bed that night after being w/her. I just felt sick and nervous all the time.

When I was 8, my mom finally talked me into going to live with her. She'd bought a house down at the beach and she was going to buy me a pony, etc., etc., life would be so good. Roger was "gone" and it was just me, my mom, and little sister, just us girls. We were living in the old beach house my Dad built in Ocean Park, WA. The just us girls didn't last long, as I did get my way and got to live with her. I woke up one morning and there was another young guy in my mom's bed (we had an open loft style house where no bedrooms, our beds were in the loft overlooking the living room where her bed was). I felt awful. He was nice at first, though. We moved to a house way out in the woods far away from everywhere it felt like.

"Dave" was young, though, and he didn't like being married, nor having kids. He was mildly violent but nothing like Roger. He ran away one night and never returned. Everyone said he was in Alaska, but noone could find him.

So we were alone again for a time, but not for long. Mom met "Dennis" a fishing boat captain and he was at least more her age. But he drank, a LOT and he had what I like to call "short man syndrome" where he likes to fight to make up for the fact that he was only about 5'4" tall. He and mom were pretty close, though, and when one night Roger showed up again and started shooting at Dennis, nearly killing him, it still didn't drive them apart. Roger went to jail and things were fine for a while.

My mom was still into marijuana, a little bit of drinking (we had a lot of keggers) and "magic" mushrooms. She gave me these magic mushrooms fairly frequently and I had weird hallucinations at times. I was 8 when this started.

But, we were left alone alot, me and my then two year old little sister, and the house was in bad repair, it caught on fire due to bad wiring one day while we were alone and I sat outside the house waiting for someone to come home after I had dumped a cup of water on the couch to stop the fire and ran outside.

It was hours til someone came home. I hated being alone, it made my stomach hurt and I worried and feared sometimes long after dark in those woods w/coyotes and bears rustling around. Dennis' fourteen year old son moved in with us sometimes around then and he was very persistent about bothering me in bed at night, his bedroom was right next door to ours.
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Again nothing I said made any difference. I was 9 years old.

We moved in 1977, to Astoria. I was about ten years old. Mom and Dennis got jobs at Tongue Point nearby and I stayed home to watch Elena and in the summers when there was no school, I made lunch and kept the house for Dennis and Mom. I got yelled at when it was not good. I caught Dennis having an affair one day and boy don't you know I was his best friend so I wouldn't tell. I was ok with it, but eventually my mom asked me about it and I told her the truth. Nothing changed, though, so I guess it was ok with everyone. My mom gave me marijuana all the time, but I didn't want any so I gave it to my stepbrother. He was very happy w/that arrangement.

Around this time, Dennis started trying to get me to kiss him "differently" and guess what...I didn't want to. I told my mom but she said he was just my dad and loved me. I told her it was different, I was crying and scared and she ignored me so she could go back to partying with her friends. I stole a dime and ran to my friend Nathan's house to call my dad and tell him. I told my Dad and stepmom what had happened and my dad came to get me (he got stopped halfway by a cop for going 90 mph).

The police found me and took me back home to Mom and Dennis and they questioned me in front of them. Dennis screamed that I was lying and he made me finally say that I had been (I was not) and the cop left me there. I got beaten and hit with a belt and told that my dad would be beaten up too for coming down here and for calling the police etc etc. I never had any chance to defend myself and tell anyone the truth, not even the police or my mom seemed to care.

Luckily, I did finally get out of there, the courts were working in my favor, but my mom gave up and when I was 13, she let me go to be w/my dad. I had to leave my little sister behind, she was not my dad's daughter, but I had to leave as my stepdad and his son, my mom's friends were all getting too hard to keep away from me.

I was so glad to be w/my Dad, my stepmom and back with my brother. Still, my mom played for my sympathy and when I was old enough to drive, I went back down just to visit. She had her fifth husband by this time, he was much nicer and mellower than everyone else. I tried to be good to my mom, to be neutral and to maintain a relationship to have my sister again, but it wouldn't work.

My mom did everything mean that she could, trying to break me and my husband up by saying she'd "slept" with him, that he'd slept with this person or that person, she told people who would listen all kinds of things that were not true. I know she wanted me to be miserable o/wise why would she do these things, even the day I had my first baby she was busy telling people awful lies about my husband and me. I heard about them later. I had had no idea she was saying things. Luckily noone but other losers believed her.

We kept the relationship ok til my sister got out of the house. My mom started doing IV drugs at 49 years of age. She ended up dying at 51. In those two years, she tried harder than ever to make our lives heck, taking us to court to sue us for money which noone would give her, she invaded my home and I had to throw her out as she stole things from me and then she told my son that I'd beaten her, etc. it was horrible. At one point when I refused her money after her husband died (she was already living w/another man at this point), she asked why I was so angry with her. I told her of the times she'd failed me and she told me still, that I lied, that these things never happened (the abuse, the neglect, etc., the times I'd needed her and she had ignored me or turned the other way). I figured she'd never know if I could speak so frankly with her and she would deny it to her grave. And so the day the dr. called to say she'd died I was nothing but relieved.....Throughout her life, my mother claimed to be a Catholic, and maintained her belief in god especially when she would have her "episodes" (she would quit sleeping and would just freak out in the last few years of her life).

Sorry this is so long, but maybe you can understand why I am so very glad my mother is dead. Why I slammed the door in her face many times, why I avoided her and kept my family away from her. She was toxic and now the toxin has spread to my little sister. 'Nuff said.

I do think that if I had given her unconditional access to me and my family that my life and the life of my children would be vastly different. She was rather amused that I did not want to smoke pot and have lots of babies on "the system" she told me I was too much like my father.

The only person that is related to me by blood that is still living that I have a relationship with (other than my sons) is my father. I have my stepmom and that's about it. I've had to cut off the others for good reason, and luckily, my mother's sisters have very little to do w/me (they were nowhere near as evil as she, though they hated her and subsequently me). We have a very small family, but I have some wonderful friends in my life that I have made and they more than make up for what I didn't get in the "biological lottery". I firmly believe my mother should never have had children, she was always too self-centered and co-dependent. At one time she was an intelligent and attractive woman with a college degree and a job teaching, and a husband with a great job, a house, two kids...but it all went away pretty quickly when you think about it. 21 years from start to finish once she made her choice.

I am not perfect, far from it, but I like to think I am doing better than I might have, considering.
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I could never imagine betraying my children the way my mother did.

Liz M.

Not sure why I felt the need to share this, but maybe it will help others to see a different point of view, maybe understand that there is more than meets the eye? If anyone else would like to share, you can pm, or call, etc. I know there are other stories out there, too, of the betrayal of that biological bond.
 
thanks for sharing . i hope it will open up some poeple eyes. blood is blood thats it unless earned . to me anyhow.

thanks again for sharing

James
 
Yes, it's become very apparent to me that a blood relation does not give a person a license to destroy you and so I could not be a doormat to my family. It was starting again with my little sister (no matter how she said she didn't want to be "mom" she is being just like her in many ways), so I had to shut the door and I hate that it has cost me a relationship w/my neice, whose father is also passed away, but I have to protect my family and myself from this no matter what. It has to stop, now.

It's already cost us a lot of money and emotional distress so it's just time to end all of the "back and forth" we tried to maintain the relationship but after her husband died it was clear she resented us and wanted a different way of life and our advice was very resented.

Sometimes it is very necessary to maintain a distance and most especially when there is a whole new generation involved. You are doing what you need to for their safety and I hope they realize this when your girl has grown...that is the hard part sometimes the little ones don't understand and the "grandma" or whatever exploits that confusion.

Best wishes,

Liz M.
 
Thank you for saying that. And yes everything you have said makes sense to me. I have been in a similar situation though not as bad with my mom. Then again though she is the person who would send me to school without money for lunch because they (her and new hubby) couldn't afford it but yet had money for the pot and cigarettes. She is the same person who has beat me for stuff that I never did and when as an adult approached her about it and her response was if I did it there was a reason :no: She is also the same person who if she doesn't get her way with me, runs to my dad whining to him about it and needless to say he says oh well its her choice. I dont mind when people show up that much, but with my mom and the fact she says/does two different things I do mind tremendously. Reason for is she tries to guilt me into doing things because she is my "mom". She might have given birth to me and everything but my grandma (her mom) has been mroe of a mom figure to me then she has. I don't want stupid stuff around my daughter especially now, when rest and very little stress are needed. My mom is a smoker and the doc has done told me that people who smoke don't need to be around her because it can make the apnea worse. Some people may think I am callouse for this but I am looking out for my daugther and sanity. Maybe your post will help people understand more that moms are not always what a mom should be and that we as victims I guess you can say... need to act appropitaly to keep our dignity and not get taken advantage of.
 
Liz, reading your post and knowing what I know of you, YOU are a success story! Despite what happened to you as you were growing up, look at what you have blossomed into! There are not many people who could have come through what you have come through and turned out to be such a wonderful, strong and successful person.
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Yes, it's awful to be so secondary to a mother when you're a child and don't understand. I trusted her so much and she played me hard when I was little and young, and even when I was older. I regret it all the time, but one thing I know is I had to/have to stop being a victim and stop blaming my awful childhood for my shortcomings.

I am not perfect and I don't expect everyone to be, but some things, especially repetitive ones, just need to be given a closed door.

I do understand what it's like to have family members that one cannot feel comfortable with having in their lives. My Dad, on the other hand, I would let him in any time he chose to show up unannounced! I have lots of friends that way, too, so I feel very lucky to have some extremely loving and close relationships that I have gathered as I've gone (sure I have more to come, I would imagine!
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. I am very lucky that way.

My grandma was my true mother, she was everything a mother was supposed to be so I am also lucky I had that role model to lean towards and to offer from for my own little ones.

Just don't let your bitterness affect your new role as mother and you will be just fine with your common sense of keeping out the bad things.

Liz M.

Thanks, Jill...I do think I've done pretty well (could always do better, but hey, I'm trying is a good excuse! *LOL*), and am proud of that fact. I think my children know I would do anything for them and for sure my oldest son who witnessed much of Julia's (my mom) struggles with drugs and mental illness knows just how hard it was most of the time.

I think I'm ok but yeah, there's some skeletons sort of in the closet! Not so many now that everyone here knows, but it's no secret anyway.

To be a mom is not something you just "get" automatically it's sad but true people biologically blessed are not always right for parenthood it makes me so sad to see some of the most suitable people in the world struggling to have a child, but others have them and treat them worse than garbage.
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Still there are wonderful people out there adopting, too.

Another reason I guess I can't believe in an all-knowing and wise God. Why would he choose to put children, innocents into terrible lives as they are born ever day, every minute...? I can't fathom it nor can I deal with it. Animals and children deserve love and nurturing, not pain and fear.

Liz
 
HI LIZ,I KNOW EXCATLY WHERE YOUR COMING FROM, PEOPLE THINK BECAUSE SOMEONE WAS THERE AT THE RIGHT TIME RIGHT PLACE WITH THE OTHER PARENT AND CREATED A BABY THAT WE SHOULD BE GRATEFUL BEING THE OUT COME, I DONT SEE MY SO CALLED FATHER OR A LOT OF OTHER FAMILY MEMBERS BECAUSE IVE MADE THE CHOICE NOT TO, THEY HAVE GIVEN ME NOTHING BUT HEARTACHE, I COULDNT BEGIN TO TELL YOU OF THE THINGS THATS HAPPENED TO ME, I SUPPOSE IM NOT AS BRAVE AS YOU, BUT THANK YOU FOR SHARING LIZ, IT MAKES ME FEEL GOOD TO KNOW IM NOT MAD/WEIRD FOR NOT HAVING A PERFECT "FAMILY" ,PEOPLE THAT HAVENT BEEN THROUGH IT WONT UNDERSTAND AND I GET SO FED UP OF PEOPLE SAYING TO ME AWK HES YOUR DAD OR HOW GREAT MY "DAD" IS ,WELL THEY CAN HAVE HIM *LOL*......TAKE CARE LIZ, IM GLAD TO SEE YOUR A SUCESS STORY,YOUVE STAYED STRONG,
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: ....LYNDA YOUR BETTER OFF AWAY FROM THE NEGATIVE PEOPLE IN LIFE
 
Well, I won't go into it, but let's just say, I know where you are coming from and you are in good company. I have never in my life come first with anyone until my husband.

I have changed that for my children though.

It just goes to show that Crap does not have to be genetic. Abusers do not always abuse. I spent a lot of time in long sleeves in the summer, my kids have never been hit. I do spank but never ever hit. Anyway, too much info. Thank you for sharing Liz, I know how hard that can be.

Stacy
 
Your past is well understood and accepted. Just because two individuals decide to procreate does not earn them respect or admiration. I certainly admire each of you for your courage, independence and GRIT.
 
{{{{{{{{{{{{Nootka}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} Some people just shouldnt have kids, but then, we wouldnt have you
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I can understand the hate, sometimes people think that we should put up w/things from family ( or politicians) , yet they wouldnt put up with it themselves. Sounds like you have very good reason, so dont feel bad. Least we can pick and choose our friends
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...I firmly believe my mother should never have had children..

.
...but Liz, I'm so glad she had you!

Some people (like your sister) are destroyed by such parenting, but through some miracle, others (like you) become strong, amazing individuals. Keith and his brother had a violently abusive father, and while his brother grew into a very unpleasant man (another example of short man syndrome), Keith lived through the same miserable childhood and became a kind, nurturing, wonderful man.

The sad irony is that such awful childhoods can help to create incredible adults, and you are a shining example. Seeing you with your boys, with Martin, with your friends, and with your horses all prove that wisdom and strength of character win out in the end.
 
OMG Liz,....... :eek:

You are such a strong and wonderful person,......I apoligize if I sounded weird in your other post,...people never know what goes on behind closed doors.

You make me proud to know you,...Liz,..you can ALWAYS count on me.
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My mom has had her share of problems and my brother has completely disowned her,...but,...for some reason I just cant let go of her,....
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but,..I do understand your point of view now,....not that it was any of my business in the first place.

(((hugs)))) I truly hope you accept my apology,.....Terri
 
[SIZE=14pt] No love and respect must be earned, not just given. Life is too short. I was so lucky, I had the best parents in the world, after my dad died New Years day morning, in his sleep I was 9, I was lucky to have my Mom. We didn't have food on the table, or heating oil or health insurance, but we had each other. I had a sister and three brothers, all too busy to check and see if we were alive. But we had each other and I thank God everyday that I had someone in my life that thought I could do no wrong. I have nothing to do with my siblings, I don't hate them, but they proved to me that I meant nothing to them when I needed them. I have my own family and I am lucky.[/SIZE]

SO Liz you need to forgive yourself for the hate that you have in you. Someone gave those terrible feelings to you, you did not or do not deserve them. You will work through them and I know you understand that your family is everything. That poison can not really touch you. Just protect what is yours. That is what matters.
 
Yeah, Kim, you know a lot more than anyone else about the recent "family fun" so I know you understand how I keep the anger under control by hating. It's hard to do much else when I am so helpless against some of it.

I didn't come looking for affirmation or reassurance, just to try and illustrate why it is sometimes necessary to amputate some branches of one's family tree.

I know there are wonderful relationships out there, but I don't know that it should be an obligation to respect and honor parents who have not given any reason to. I don't think children are a possession or a slave to be treated however one wants to, they deserve respect as well, it's just not so easy to say "honor thy father and mother."

I was prepared for a long time, to forgive and respect my mother, but she blew it again and again. Just don't have the emotional reserves to keep after it and so I'm left with the same legacy in her daughter. My brother has a lot of mental issues so he's no support, either.

I feel for everyone who's "survived" things, whether they be bad parents, illness, tragic losses, etc. To have these things happen when you're a child and unable to find ways to help yourself is the worst.

I feel like I've survived just fine, as I am pretty happy to be alive these days.
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Thanks, everyone, for understanding, and for sharing your experiences and observations.

Liz
 
I read your story carefully and tears welled in my eyes NOT for the woman you are today but for the 5,6,7, 8,9 10 etc little girl 'you were' because on paper it is a brief story but to a kid everyday lived like this is long.

My heart aches for that "little girl" because she is sitting on a step right now somewhere, this crime towards children is commited continually..........

For me the worst thing you can do to a child is ignore them and act indifferent to them.

As a mother of 2 little girls the imagery you provided hit home in a very powerful way.

God help the person who ever robbed my children of their right to innocence............ it is the most unforgiveable sin.

Unbelieveable how such a fragile child could blossom and grow into what you are today.

I am deeply impressed by your strength and ability to acknowledge the depth of your pain and share it with others.

I was loved and cherished my whole life by my parents, siblings, extended family and friends but the outside world isn't always so kind............ I think your hatred is a very natural emotion. It does sadden me though that even in her death your mother is able to cause you pain.

Thanks for sharing........very powerful statements.......makes me feel like I need to do more!
 
Liz, No one can blame you for being angry with a woman who should have been your protector but instaed was someone who did harm to an innocent person. I fully understand your thinking that no god who is all knowing and all wise would let children come into this world to be abused. To be robbed of ones innocence has an everlasting negativie effect on a person. There is so much healing needed after having a horrific childhood. I am hoping that the new forum for healing will help people who have been hurt by experiences that have change them in ways they would rather not be. Hating is not an easy thing to live with no matter how hard we try to get rid of it. I think you are very brave to come forward with your story and hope it helps release some of the pain you may have. I too had very much negative to deal with because of a bad family situation. I took all I could from blood relatives and had to let go of them to have some kind of peace with myself. You were lucky to have a grandmother who was like a mother. To go through life without feeling loved is not really living. I only wish there were answers to how children could be guaranteed safety and love once they are brought into the world. You have done a good job Liz, keep it up. Mary
 
Liz been there done that have the tee-shirt
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: my mother leaves a whole lot to be desired.........my father is a philanderer
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:
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: at least he wasn't totally toxic
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: ..........my husbands family is well.............aloof.........his father died a number of years ago and they were never close......his mother is alive but may as well be dead as she is completely uninvolved in any of the boys lives other than to b_itch about what they don't do for her......my parents were divorced by the time I was 8 and my hubby's the same ..........we have been together over 15 years and it has been our mission to not raise our kids the same way.............this is tough......but our kids do believe that a family does include two parents
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: wow that is a novel concept..................toxic relationships are toxic no matter who they are with................and yes often they can be the mother..............

If you think I am cold and heartless then tell me that a mother who allows her grandchild to be exposed to guns (loaded laying around the house) and cocaine/pot/crack/etc.....and to witness people shooting up heroin, snorting coke, and smoking pot.........to see the results of a person being beaten and stabbed in the head by a gang, and people shooting guns at ????whatever in the middle of the night as normal
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: well this is why my mother is not on my list of people to let my kids be around EVER
 
(this is the SHORT version, but it's long, so sorry...)

A couple recent threads have reminded me that some people don't always understand that just because there is a biological connection doesn't count for everything.

I know there are hundreds of stories similar to mine, I have friends with one but it's their father that acted this way. I thought I'd put this out there just so people maybe won't be so judgmental if they ever read that I "hated" my mother (I do hate her, I can't get by any other way). So I would never judge someone if they had cut off some member of their family, regardless if it WAS that most 'sacred' bond of mother/child. Betrayal isn't something you keep allowing to happen.

It started with my mother around when I was five. She was about 30 and began having some sort of midlife crisis or something so it would seem. She began smoking, smoking pot, drinking, and having lots of affairs with much younger men. My Dad finally had to leave for his sanity, but she got everything. He was so broke he moved back in with his mother in order to be able to continue working and paying for a house he could not live in, a car he could not drive, and a tv and furniture for my mother's new boyfriends and her to enjoy. He felt it was at least giving my brother and I a roof over our heads. Keep in mind that my dad had put off his college so he could pay for HERS so she could then get her teaching certificate, get a good job teaching then HE get his degree, but instead she got pregnant and he had to stay working. She never went back to work. About the time she would have, she found a wonderful boyfriend named Roger..he was about 18 (she was 30) and had never finished or even started High School. That was not his major shortcoming, he behaved as if he were about 13 all the time.

Violent and ill-mannered and of course he was not about working. My mom lied to him and told him things to scare him about my dad and so this violent and very big 18 year old man spent a lot of time harassing my father (my mom LOVED this stuff, she ATE IT UP that someone would "fight for her"), shooting the windows out of my grandmother's house and making verbal threats when he wasn't drinking and wailing on my 3 year old brother and I. He got my brother drunk when he was four years old, asked him to get a tire out of his pickup and of course Donnie fell, broke his arm and had to be rushed to the hospital to deal w/the alcohol poisoning as well as the broken arm. It nearly killed him, I'm sure, but Roger hated Donnie b/c he was my dad's son.

Mom didn't have any fears about leaving us w/Roger alone, though, and Roger's friends did inappropriate things when she wasn't around. She even let them "tuck me in" to bed at night. She didn't change anything when I asked her about it. I told everyone I knew but nothing changed. It took a long court battle for my father and grandmother to get custoy away from her. By this time, my mom had had another baby, a girl, I was 6. I didn't really want to leave my little sister behind, but I had to, the courts said so.

I lived w/my Dad and grandma (mom still got the house) and little brother in a small two bedroom house while my Dad worked to pay off the bills from the divorce. We got to visit our mom on some weekends and holidays. Mom made it all so fun and happy while we were there. I missed my little sister. My mom gave us guilt trips about being w/my dad so when we'd go home, my little brother would have nightmares and wet the bed that night after being w/her. I just felt sick and nervous all the time.

When I was 8, my mom finally talked me into going to live with her. She'd bought a house down at the beach and she was going to buy me a pony, etc., etc., life would be so good. Roger was "gone" and it was just me, my mom, and little sister, just us girls. We were living in the old beach house my Dad built in Ocean Park, WA. The just us girls didn't last long, as I did get my way and got to live with her. I woke up one morning and there was another young guy in my mom's bed (we had an open loft style house where no bedrooms, our beds were in the loft overlooking the living room where her bed was). I felt awful. He was nice at first, though. We moved to a house way out in the woods far away from everywhere it felt like.

"Dave" was young, though, and he didn't like being married, nor having kids. He was mildly violent but nothing like Roger. He ran away one night and never returned. Everyone said he was in Alaska, but noone could find him.

So we were alone again for a time, but not for long. Mom met "Dennis" a fishing boat captain and he was at least more her age. But he drank, a LOT and he had what I like to call "short man syndrome" where he likes to fight to make up for the fact that he was only about 5'4" tall. He and mom were pretty close, though, and when one night Roger showed up again and started shooting at Dennis, nearly killing him, it still didn't drive them apart. Roger went to jail and things were fine for a while.

My mom was still into marijuana, a little bit of drinking (we had a lot of keggers) and "magic" mushrooms. She gave me these magic mushrooms fairly frequently and I had weird hallucinations at times. I was 8 when this started.

But, we were left alone alot, me and my then two year old little sister, and the house was in bad repair, it caught on fire due to bad wiring one day while we were alone and I sat outside the house waiting for someone to come home after I had dumped a cup of water on the couch to stop the fire and ran outside.

It was hours til someone came home. I hated being alone, it made my stomach hurt and I worried and feared sometimes long after dark in those woods w/coyotes and bears rustling around. Dennis' fourteen year old son moved in with us sometimes around then and he was very persistent about bothering me in bed at night, his bedroom was right next door to ours.
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Again nothing I said made any difference. I was 9 years old.

We moved in 1977, to Astoria. I was about ten years old. Mom and Dennis got jobs at Tongue Point nearby and I stayed home to watch Elena and in the summers when there was no school, I made lunch and kept the house for Dennis and Mom. I got yelled at when it was not good. I caught Dennis having an affair one day and boy don't you know I was his best friend so I wouldn't tell. I was ok with it, but eventually my mom asked me about it and I told her the truth. Nothing changed, though, so I guess it was ok with everyone. My mom gave me marijuana all the time, but I didn't want any so I gave it to my stepbrother. He was very happy w/that arrangement.

Around this time, Dennis started trying to get me to kiss him "differently" and guess what...I didn't want to. I told my mom but she said he was just my dad and loved me. I told her it was different, I was crying and scared and she ignored me so she could go back to partying with her friends. I stole a dime and ran to my friend Nathan's house to call my dad and tell him. I told my Dad and stepmom what had happened and my dad came to get me (he got stopped halfway by a cop for going 90 mph).

The police found me and took me back home to Mom and Dennis and they questioned me in front of them. Dennis screamed that I was lying and he made me finally say that I had been (I was not) and the cop left me there. I got beaten and hit with a belt and told that my dad would be beaten up too for coming down here and for calling the police etc etc. I never had any chance to defend myself and tell anyone the truth, not even the police or my mom seemed to care.

Luckily, I did finally get out of there, the courts were working in my favor, but my mom gave up and when I was 13, she let me go to be w/my dad. I had to leave my little sister behind, she was not my dad's daughter, but I had to leave as my stepdad and his son, my mom's friends were all getting too hard to keep away from me.

I was so glad to be w/my Dad, my stepmom and back with my brother. Still, my mom played for my sympathy and when I was old enough to drive, I went back down just to visit. She had her fifth husband by this time, he was much nicer and mellower than everyone else. I tried to be good to my mom, to be neutral and to maintain a relationship to have my sister again, but it wouldn't work.

My mom did everything mean that she could, trying to break me and my husband up by saying she'd "slept" with him, that he'd slept with this person or that person, she told people who would listen all kinds of things that were not true. I know she wanted me to be miserable o/wise why would she do these things, even the day I had my first baby she was busy telling people awful lies about my husband and me. I heard about them later. I had had no idea she was saying things. Luckily noone but other losers believed her.

We kept the relationship ok til my sister got out of the house. My mom started doing IV drugs at 49 years of age. She ended up dying at 51. In those two years, she tried harder than ever to make our lives heck, taking us to court to sue us for money which noone would give her, she invaded my home and I had to throw her out as she stole things from me and then she told my son that I'd beaten her, etc. it was horrible. At one point when I refused her money after her husband died (she was already living w/another man at this point), she asked why I was so angry with her. I told her of the times she'd failed me and she told me still, that I lied, that these things never happened (the abuse, the neglect, etc., the times I'd needed her and she had ignored me or turned the other way). I figured she'd never know if I could speak so frankly with her and she would deny it to her grave. And so the day the dr. called to say she'd died I was nothing but relieved.....Throughout her life, my mother claimed to be a Catholic, and maintained her belief in god especially when she would have her "episodes" (she would quit sleeping and would just freak out in the last few years of her life).

Sorry this is so long, but maybe you can understand why I am so very glad my mother is dead. Why I slammed the door in her face many times, why I avoided her and kept my family away from her. She was toxic and now the toxin has spread to my little sister. 'Nuff said.

I do think that if I had given her unconditional access to me and my family that my life and the life of my children would be vastly different. She was rather amused that I did not want to smoke pot and have lots of babies on "the system" she told me I was too much like my father.

The only person that is related to me by blood that is still living that I have a relationship with (other than my sons) is my father. I have my stepmom and that's about it. I've had to cut off the others for good reason, and luckily, my mother's sisters have very little to do w/me (they were nowhere near as evil as she, though they hated her and subsequently me). We have a very small family, but I have some wonderful friends in my life that I have made and they more than make up for what I didn't get in the "biological lottery". I firmly believe my mother should never have had children, she was always too self-centered and co-dependent. At one time she was an intelligent and attractive woman with a college degree and a job teaching, and a husband with a great job, a house, two kids...but it all went away pretty quickly when you think about it. 21 years from start to finish once she made her choice.

I am not perfect, far from it, but I like to think I am doing better than I might have, considering.
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I could never imagine betraying my children the way my mother did.

Liz M.

Not sure why I felt the need to share this, but maybe it will help others to see a different point of view, maybe understand that there is more than meets the eye? If anyone else would like to share, you can pm, or call, etc. I know there are other stories out there, too, of the betrayal of that biological bond.
[SIZE=12pt]Liz,[/SIZE]

I think you are incredibly brave to share your story. I know you don't need me to tell you, but by making the choices you made, you saved your family so much heartbreak and a horrible, hurtful influence. I am so proud of you.....

I was blessed with a wonderful family. Truely blessed. We have had our problems, but we love each other, want what is best for each other and would do ANYTHING to help a family member. With that said, I also have a few very close friends who know that they are the family I was able to CHOOSE to have as part of our lives, and we are so, so very blessed by the gift of their love and support.

Family is family, whether you are born to it or are lucky enough to find it. Blood relationships don't make you family and in no way require you to live in pain, fear or hoplessness when you are able to make a better, healthier choice. Love, compassion, selflessness and courage are what make a family.
 
That is a heartwrenching story and the worst of it is that thousands of children live lives like this every day. God bless you for coming out of it a strong determined capable woman. I can barely comprehend how a mother can raise a child this way. I've always been so very blessed with my family.
 
Thanks, everyone, for just "listening" to it all.

I am not 100% sure I'm all that ok, but I'm muddling through. *LOL* I just try not to perpetuate the things I feel were wrong w/my life though I am sure not perfect in that respect as I'm probably making other mistakes in my worry.

Now that I have children also, I just don't understand, either, how she just looked the other way no matter what.

I do think I know why she played such games w/the custody hearings and things is she was getting revenge on my dad. No matter what she never forgot that she liked to "get to" him. I think when I realized it was about her and not one bit about us was pretty hurtful I think every kid thinks they are the center of the universe for a while of their young life, it's a charming illusion we grow out of gradually and almost gladly in a normal rite of passage.

Just bitter that she never did see why I could not just let bygones be bygones and why she never saw any wrong in her actions.

I do feel badly that there are any kids who are afraid and unsure, in pain and terror. It's no fun to live with violence and the uncertainty/insecurity is the worst. I just wish in some cases that innocent children were not the "mistakes" some of these people make because the kids end up living lives of heck for other people's inability to control themselves and/or use better judgment.

You all flatter me with your opinion of me, hope I can continue to live up to it, I do the best I know how even though it's not always right or the best way it's what I manage and most of the time we are quite happy. Almost like "normal" people
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Liz
 

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