mom again.......at 50!

[dixie_belle]

You know, when I had my children, years ago, I pictured them all one day growing up, having children of their own and being the doting grandmom. As it turns out, things don't always go according to plan. I won't go into the particulars, but I just celebrated my 50th birthday last week and now I have my grandaughter living with me. Now she is a real darling child, born last September so that makes her 10 months old. She is sweet, and cute and absolutely smiles all the time. I love having her here, as does my sweet hubbie (who is not the actual grandfather). I don't know how long I will have temporary custody as my daughter is not in a position to care for her. I got the call last Friday evening that I had to pick her up or she would be going to CPS, which I simply couldn't let happen. So after picking up Lily we had to go to Wal Mart for a gigantic shopping spree as I have no baby items at all at my house. Monday I had to hire someone to come to the house to watch her all day so I could go to work. I work for a mortgage company and July 31 was cut off and I am not allowed to miss work. Tuesday I took the day off and spent the day getting her caught up on her shots as those weren't current, getting her registered in an accredited day care, and generally getting used to being a mom all over again. Well, I now know why only young people have babies! I'm exhausted. I work all day and then rush home to get Lily from the daycare before they close and do the dinner thing, baths are done in the kitchen sink as I don't think this old back could take leaning over the tub. The sad thing is that I have absolutely no idea how long this situation will last. We take it one day at a time. Lily needs some stability, which we are providing. She couldn't be more loved than she is at present. And every now and then, I dream of having her permanently here and then I think about our age and how old we will be when she graduates from high school and it is just so sad. And we won't even go into the getting attached thing. Her little face just lights up when she sees me come to get her in the evenings.

Everyone here is so helpful and kind and I just am feeling very.......um........much like a failure. How could my daughter have turned out like this? Certainly nothing in her upbringing taught her to be like this. I can't help feeling 100% to blame as my husband at the time was a work aholic and so I was, in essence, a single mom even though I was married. Sigh. I keep thinking maybe I can redeem myself by doing better this time with my grandaughter and then in the same breath thinking what if i fail again?

It is sad to think of poor Lily living with old coots like us instead of a wonderful young mom and dad.

And my company won't put her on my insurance since the situation isn't "legal", and my daughter let her medicaid card expire and we don't qualify because of our income. So Lily is uninsured.

And we won't even go into the cost of day care, formula, clothes, beds, high chairs, strollers, etc. etc.

I haven't said anything to my coworkers, naturally since it is none of their business. My neighbors know since they see me coming and going with a baby. And they have been wonderful. They have all volunteered to help if need be.

I guess I'm just venting a bit. Even with all the loss of sleep, the expense and the work, when she puts those chubby little arms up for me......i melt! I actually took her to walmart today for the $3 portrait special and ended up ordering lots more. Naturally. LOL

Anyway, I just had to "talk" to someone. It's so difficult, not knowing how long she'll be here. And trying desperately not to get too attached. Like you can stop that from happening. Buying cute little outfits and then wondering if I'll ever get to see her in them. Trying to plan ahead....do I start buying winter clothes or will she be someplace else by then?

Gotta go, thanks for letting me type.

Shelley

 

[RainSong]

Welcoem (back) into the world of almost year-olds!

I don't think it's your fault, any of it. No matter how well a person is raised, they are still their own person, and will make their own mistakes.

... :new_shocked: Speaking of babies, I just caught a wiff of a diaper needing changed :no:

You're giving Lily what she needs. You're loving her, caring for her, and giving her a home. That's the best you can do.

 

[AppyLover2]

Please don't blame yourself for the decisions your daughter made or will make with her life. All we, as mothers, can do is what we think is best. None of us are perfect and there are no guarantees that the values we try to teach our children will stay with them. I'm sure you set good examples for how she should live her life.....whether she chose to follow your lead was her decision.

As far as your grandbaby is concerned, I have no experience, advice or words of wisdom; except to encourage you to continue to do what's right, set good examples and to show her as much love as I can hear coming from your post.

 

[crponies]

I'm sorry that you've had to pick up because of your daughter's mistakes; however, I'm so glad that you are there for Lily, to give her what she needs right now even though it requires a lot of sacrifice on your part. Like the others have said, don't blame yourself for what your daughter is doing. I think the point that really hit home for me one time is I read what someone else wrote that even though God gave Adam and Eve everything they needed and did everything perfectly for them, they still chose to rebel. That is so true! You always should do your best of course to raise children the right way, but ultimately they make their own decisions. I'm confident that you will be there for Lily whenever she needs you.

 

[Miniv]

I totally agree with the above posts. You raised your daughter with love and showed her right from wrong. She is an adult now and has made her own mistakes.

Lily is the innocent in all of this. She deserves a loving home and a chance for her future. So love her. She IS your granddaughter, afterall! Never be afraid of love. Just take one day at a time.

And just for the record......you are NOT old! (If I do say so myself.

: )

I am turning 50 this Fall and am a mom to a 9 year old. I am also grandma to a 3 year old, 2 year old, and a 3 month old. And if (God forbid) anything happened - I would take them in - in a heartbeat!

Oh.......and BTW, if I were you, I'd quietly share your new situation with your superior at work - incase of an emergency or something happens at Day Care.

MA

 

[nootka]

I think it sounds like you're doing what any mother/grandma would do. I know it isn't easy, particularly not knowing the length of time, etc., but it is done for love and you have to know that is the best part of all.

No matter where it leads, you will always have sown these seeds of love and security in her.

My own grandmother was my "real" mother in lieu of an awful biological mother, and when I draw on my own mothering skills, or think of basic comfort, her aura is around me, her spirit is within me. Her home is where I travel in my mind, often, and think of security and sameness when all around me is changing. She really did nothing more than be there always, and love me unconditionally as well as give me a good example of a loving and caring, generous human being/mother.

You are in the process of giving this gift to your granddaughter and I hope sometime your daughter can appreciate what you are doing for them both. I wish all of you the best...

Liz M.

 

[bobby dazzler]

Hi Shelley

You sound like a great grandma AND yes, running after a 10 mth old is exhausting work, particularly as we all get older. I get worn out just thinking about the woman who recently had a baby at around 60 or so - jeepers, I can only imagine - I feel over the hill chasing after a 2 year old (plus his three older brothers) and I am only 38.

You will survive - and you sound like you are very organised. It is only natural that you are wondering how long to plan that Lily is going to stay with you. Depending on your circumstances, could you legally adopt Lily -- that would give you a sense of stability in relation to being able to plan 4 lily and then also you would be right insurance wise etc or is the situation in relation to your daughter, a short term situation. I imagine it must be very difficult to try and work out what is best for your grand-daughter BUT also taking into account your Daughter's wants/needs.

You cannot blame yourself for your daughters actions/behaviour. You can only raise your kids to have good values and respect others BUT in the end, they decide what they will do. You never know how your kids are gonna turn out - you just have to try your darnest and hope for the best - all my kids are very different but were raised in the same environment with the same parents etc BUT as I said, they are all very different and will all end up doing things their own way when they are older. Sorry for babbling - just wanted you to know that you will get thru this, dont blame yourself for yr daughters actions, enjoy your grand-daughter AND get some rest when you can!!1 Regards, Kerrie

 

[CyndiM]

In an attempt to keep my children from messing up I told them when they were teens I would NOT raise my grandchildren under any circumstances, except a medical emergency. So don't have any unless you are able to take care of them.

Fast forward a few years and guess what I am doing? Raising grandchildren. My hubby has a son who chose to live a lifestyle that has now put him in jail (Feb 22, meth). However we have had his son living with us since he was 4 years old, he's 20 now and a Marine studying to be a cop "so he can arrest people like his dad" (his words). We are VERY proud of him and for a few years we had his half sister with us also. Her mother didn't know how to deal with a child who thought her dad was a knight in shinning armor. She sent her to live with us or she was putting her in a home. The grand-daughter soon learned her dad was NOT what she thought he was. She told her brother "I found out the armor is tarnished and the horse is black not white". She joined the Air Force (is out now). She's doing great.

I love them both as if they were my own flesh and blood. And I wouldn't have turned them away for anything. My mom told me once it was ment to be for me to raise these two children, God planned it, she said. And everyone who knows us and the situation has said if it weren't for us their lives (childern) would have been so different. I shudder to think what it would have been like.

So in my opinion God planned for you to have Lily.

Sorry this is so long I just wanted to let you know you could do this if I could, and I've got 10 (almost, in Oct) years on you.

 

[dixie_belle]

Thanks for all the kind words. I've just got to stop feeling so ovewhelmed and just learn to sit back and enjoy Lily. This morning she is sleeping in late, and so I finally got to throw a load of laundry in, sew a button on, and generally tidy up. How can something so small wreck so much havoc on a household? LOL

I've got to get my son to the airport this afternoon and i'm going to plan ahead. gonna put some chidken in the slow cooker so dinner will be ready when i walk in the door.

and i'm going to work on not stressing so badly. although it is diffucult.

shelley

 

[runamuk]

It's not your fault......now I have a quick suggestion to solve your medical ins issue

:

You TECHNICALLY are a foster parent contact dcfs (or who ever they are in your area) and you should be able to get her medical insurance taken care of.............

 

[ChrystalPaths]

I just turned 51, my daughter is the lite in my life but my reason for living is her son Aidan. I was kind of very much in your shoes. She is working on getting her life together again so I had him almost 7 days a week but at 20 mos he is much more independent than Lily but I had all the same fears and hopes and worries.

I figure the child is a blessing, the kids, well sometimes it takes a bit longer for them to grow up and get life right, our job as Grammys is to pinch hit when needed. Really hard I know but look into rescue mission stores. salvation army stores, garage sales, flea markets for all the "stuff". Get her into WIC and you'll get alot for free.

Bless your heart for adoring her so, those sweet grins and squeals sure make life warm. Hang in, my daughter is getting it together and being a good mom again, hopefully yours will also. All we can do as parents is like MA said, love them, teach them, support and then when they grow up hopefully catch them when they fall, in this case, good catch with Lily. How about a pic!

 

[Black Magic]

:saludando: I'm jumping up and down here. I had my youngest daughter when I was 45! She's six now, and I'm 51. I think that older Moms are terrific! I personally don't know what you are sweating, except the knowledge that having a little one at home, is alot of work! Well, let me just say... Don't sweat the small stuff, take each day as it comes, and be grateful for it. If anyone... ladies our age, know. how precious life is.

My husband is active duty Coast Guard, and rarely at home. I have four minis... one princess QH.. who demands a ton of time, a herd of goats, three children.. under the age of 12... and I work part time. I love every min of my life!

SO if all that wasn't enough on my plate, I decided I wanted a new home, not a mobile and so I worked with a builder and just finished building a new house. Did anyone help me move??? No! Hubby just got home, I'm at the library doing homework with the kids, and he's home cooking a meal for me... the first in a very long time.

All I can say... is...

Carpe Diem!

God Bless,

Lynn W

 

[BahstonFrn]

I just wanted to add my 2 cents here concerning the insurance issue. We adopted our daughter 15 years ago. At the time, in our state, the adoptive parents are on probation for the first 6 months, during which time the agency continues to check on the child. During that time, we had custody, but legal guardianship remained with the agency. Thus, as you stated, we couldn't cover the baby under our group policies at work. We had to go to an insurance company (we used Allstate) and got a temporary 6-month medical policy because WE were responsible for anything medical - not the agency. You might want to check into that. I don't remember how much it cost, and it WAS 15 years ago, but it's scary to be without coverage too.

Hang in there! Lily needs you now. . . and speaking from the other side, if you find that you can't handle it, and your daughter doesn't get her act together, don't be afraid to think about or look into adoption. There are wonderful people out there waiting for a child to love. And many of them would be willing to keep an open or at least semi-open adoption; open meaning that you can visit on occasion, and semi-open meaning that you keep contact through the agency, exchanging pictures, etc.

Good luck to all of you!

Raejean

 

[Laura]

You know, when I had my children, years ago, I pictured them all one day growing up, having children of their own and being the doting grandmom. As it turns out, things don't always go according to plan. I won't go into the particulars, but I just celebrated my 50th birthday last week and now I have my grandaughter living with me. Now she is a real darling child, born last September so that makes her 10 months old. She is sweet, and cute and absolutely smiles all the time. I love having her here, as does my sweet hubbie (who is not the actual grandfather). I don't know how long I will have temporary custody as my daughter is not in a position to care for her. I got the call last Friday evening that I had to pick her up or she would be going to CPS, which I simply couldn't let happen. So after picking up Lily we had to go to Wal Mart for a gigantic shopping spree as I have no baby items at all at my house. Monday I had to hire someone to come to the house to watch her all day so I could go to work. I work for a mortgage company and July 31 was cut off and I am not allowed to miss work. Tuesday I took the day off and spent the day getting her caught up on her shots as those weren't current, getting her registered in an accredited day care, and generally getting used to being a mom all over again. Well, I now know why only young people have babies! I'm exhausted. I work all day and then rush home to get Lily from the daycare before they close and do the dinner thing, baths are done in the kitchen sink as I don't think this old back could take leaning over the tub. The sad thing is that I have absolutely no idea how long this situation will last. We take it one day at a time. Lily needs some stability, which we are providing. She couldn't be more loved than she is at present. And every now and then, I dream of having her permanently here and then I think about our age and how old we will be when she graduates from high school and it is just so sad. And we won't even go into the getting attached thing. Her little face just lights up when she sees me come to get her in the evenings.

Everyone here is so helpful and kind and I just am feeling very.......um........much like a failure. How could my daughter have turned out like this? Certainly nothing in her upbringing taught her to be like this. I can't help feeling 100% to blame as my husband at the time was a work aholic and so I was, in essence, a single mom even though I was married. Sigh. I keep thinking maybe I can redeem myself by doing better this time with my grandaughter and then in the same breath thinking what if i fail again?

It is sad to think of poor Lily living with old coots like us instead of a wonderful young mom and dad.

And my company won't put her on my insurance since the situation isn't "legal", and my daughter let her medicaid card expire and we don't qualify because of our income. So Lily is uninsured.

And we won't even go into the cost of day care, formula, clothes, beds, high chairs, strollers, etc. etc.

I haven't said anything to my coworkers, naturally since it is none of their business. My neighbors know since they see me coming and going with a baby. And they have been wonderful. They have all volunteered to help if need be.

I guess I'm just venting a bit. Even with all the loss of sleep, the expense and the work, when she puts those chubby little arms up for me......i melt! I actually took her to walmart today for the $3 portrait special and ended up ordering lots more. Naturally. LOL

Anyway, I just had to "talk" to someone. It's so difficult, not knowing how long she'll be here. And trying desperately not to get too attached. Like you can stop that from happening. Buying cute little outfits and then wondering if I'll ever get to see her in them. Trying to plan ahead....do I start buying winter clothes or will she be someplace else by then?

Gotta go, thanks for letting me type.

Shelley

[SIZE=12pt]Shelly, [/SIZE]

I'm so glad that Lily was blessed enough to have you. May I suggest that you file IMMEDIATELY for temporary legal custody? It sounds as if you are ready & willing to take this little one on and see her as the gift from God that she absolutely is. Every child needs someone who is head over heels in love with them and wants the best for them. For Lily, it's you.

As for your daughter, who knows what made her make the choices she made. You will likely never know. Our family has a similar story and my MIL still wonders how her children could turn out so vastly differently. Only she knows why and all you can do is love Lily and protect her as best you can.

:

 

[Sanny]

We've beem foster parents for 13 years and in our state anyway, you would be MUCH better off if CPS was involved in your situation. Last year we were foster parents for two toddlers and the reason they had gone into foster care was because their grandmother finally gave up trying to intervene with her daughter and all her problems. It almost killed the grandmother to do it (call CPS about her daughter) but she was afraid for her grandchildren (and her daughter). CPS always prefers if at all possible to place children with a relative but in their case at first the grandmother said no. She was afraid her daughter would not be motivated to take care of her problems if she knew her kids were with grandma instead of an official foster home so we ended up with them for about a year. Because they were in foster care the county provided full medical and dental plus enough money to cover their basic monthly needs. The county also worked with the kids, mother AND grandmother providing family therapy, individual therapy, drug treatment for the mom, parenting classes, work programs, subsidized housing - you name it - they did everything they could to help resolve the situation. In our state though, kids under six have a timeline of one year and then if the parents are still not capable of taking care of them they have to look at a new permanent option for them. This is so they don't end up in the system for years and years and because it is just healthier for kids not to be in limbo. The mom just had too many problems including a drug habit she couldn't kick and they started court proceedings to TPR (terminate parental rights) after the year was up and the mom opted to voluntarily give up her parental rights because that would allow her to do a "consent to adopt" that specified who would adopt her kids. She did that because a relative of one of the kids dad that lived several thousand miles away had come out of the woodwork during a family search and was expressing an interest in adopting the kids. The mom specified the grandmother as her first choice and our family as her second choice if the grandmother was unwilling or unable to adopt them. Anyway.........the two kids are now living with grandma and doing very well. She is in the process of adopting them and until then she is their official foster parent. She still gets the medical and dental coverage through the county, the monthly stipend AND full time daycare is paid by the county. Once they are adopted things change but they will still get some services including a monthly adoption subsidy to help cover the cost of raising them.

The financial assistance provided has allowed the grandmother to cut her hours at work to spend more time with the kids. She is in her 50's too and does get exhausted at times but can't imagine not doing this. By the way.....she did everything she could to raise her daughter right but there are just so many things you can't control - especially if drugs are in the picture. Sadly her daughter visited the kids a lot for a while once they moved to the grandmothers house but the last I heard she had disapeared and the grandmother hadn't heard from her in a while.

Every state (and county) is different, but I think you should find out what services might be available to you and even to your daughter.

OH...and everything I've learned over the years as I've taken all the required foster care classes, lectures, etc. is that older parents do a wonderful job and have more patience, experience, wisdom - you name it.

Also......the kids I had became very attached to us - the little girl was so young I was really the only "mom" she remembered but both kids were very, very happy to go to live with their grandma, who had been the one constant stable presence in their lives.