I really messed up this time...

[Lisa-Ruff N Tuff Minis]

I so understand. I have a very judgemental mom who was always that way and sounds like she was a lot like your mom. That type of feeling unaccepted can hurt to the core

While I understand a parents fear and wanting to care about and for there kids there comes a time when you have to give them a bit of slack and if that means getting your feelings hurt as a parent so be it. Part of being a teen is not liking your parents or being embarassed by them or feeling so different then them.. it is all a normal part of growing up. Sometimes you out grow those feelings or sometimes you dont but harboring bad feelings and being hurt is an issue she needs to deal with it isnt your issue. Your issue could be saying hey that was an outlet no different then you talking to your friends or dad about us kids.

I am sorry you are having a rough time all i can tell you is while it doesnt seem so now... honestly make it past your teen years and things do start to get easier and make more sense (a bit anyway)

 

[Miniv]

Jamie,

Your mom is scared to death....and knowing about the cutting thing would scare me too.

To me when a young person is a "cutter" they are dealing with a lot of intense feelings and are not expressing them in the right way. Sometimes it's because they can't find a person they can talk TO.

I'd like you to do two things for me --

1) Print up this entire thread (if you can) and ask you mom to read it. And if you can't print it, have her come on line and read it.

2) If you and your mom can't start TALKING -- without EITHER of you judging the other, you need to find another ADULT who is trustworthy and won't bash you for everything you might share. I bet you have a friend who has a parent just like that. (I was blessed to have a mom who was everyone's "hole" that they could pour on and she never judged......gave advice sometimes, but never critisized. Wish everyone could have had a mom like her and I hope I can be half as wonderful to my daughter in a few years.....)

Jamie, Someone needs to make the first move.......and by doing what I suggest, it will be YOU.

Blessings,

MA

PS: I know your father told you that you shouldn't be writing whatever you wrote down...... I will agree that puting it on line was probably not a good idea, but I do think that writing your feelings down IN PRIVATE, no matter what they are is never a bad thing.......Just my opinion.

 

[backwoodsnanny]

I wasnt going to reply but couldn't resist. Im sure if you have been a cutter in the past your mom is probably scared to death. That said, a wise older person told me once when I was a mother of teenagers that the stress between parent and child during teenage years time is Gods way of making sure that by the time it was time for teens to leave the nest that both young adult and parent were ready for them to leave. Im glad you went home instead of going to your party as that would have just breeched the trust issue again. I really think you both mom and you could use some counseling as was suggested. And also as many have said once you are truly grown the relationship will probably improve. I didnt always like to hear what my children had to say but I always was willing to hear it. It was a rule that rarely did we talk about those upsetting things the day I heard about them instead I waited a full 24 hours before talking about it with them this gave both of us time to cool off and talk sensibly. Just a thought.

 

[rabbitsfizz]

Jamie feel free to print this and show it to your Mom.

Dear Jamie's Mom,

After finding out that your daughter had self harm issues a lot of people on this Forum jumped in and defended your actions.

Sorry, I am NOT one of them.

If you had your Daughter needs at heart you would be holding her, however much she squirms and telling her how much you love her, however much she turns away.

Your role as Mother, my dear, is not to get as much out of this scene for yourself, as you can, but to be completely selfless.

To stand there whilst your horrid, angst ridden child shouts how much she hates you.

To put up with her strange clothes.

NOT to criticise her friends continually.

The role of a Mother is to be selfless.

You will receive love, automatically, you have no RIGHT to demand or expect it.

Your children owe you nothing- you chose to have them, they did not ask to be born.

Your role is to help them as much as you can, to be understanding and loving and helpful whenever you can, and to keep your mouth shut when you can be none of these things.

You had no right to read Jamie's Diary- I could understand if you were checking up on her safety BUT once it was done , you had nor right WHATSOEVER to react to what you read there, not at all. You should have sat her down and talked to her kindly about how she felt, maybe told her that, although you should not have read it all, you were hurt and worried by it. SHE is the child, and yet it is you who have stamped your feet and had a childish temper tantrum because your child has not declared her undying love for you. My Dear, you need to grow up. You need to think of your Daughter and not yourself. Is she being a trial at the moment?? Is she running you ragged and giving you sleepless nights?? Welcome to the real world, the world where teenagers grow up, which is what she is desperately trying to do, and, I can tell you, from what her friends here on the Forum have seen, she is doing a pretty good job of it, so far.

PLEASE do not let this be in spite of you.

You have SO much to lose, she is only going to be a child for a little bit longer.

Get your act together, think of HER first, not yourself, and get yourself into a position where you can both enjoy her last days as a child.

Speaking from very personal experience, Jane.

 

[Marty]

[SIZE=21pt]HERE COMES THE SNOOPING MOTHER!!![/SIZE]

Call me mean, nasty, nosey, or mommy dearest, but I have every right to snoop wherever I want to whenever I want to if I feel it's warranted.

By that I mean that if one of my boys seems unusually upset, bothered, acting differently, upset etc. and will not talk to me and I become significantly worried, I am surely going to go snooping to see what I can find out in the name of love.

When kids get depressed and don't come out of it anytime soon, they can be in real serious trouble. I know that some kids commit suicide or will harm themselves, etc. and the parents stand there at the funeral and say "if only we had known, we could have helped....."

I"m not about to fall into that catagory.

But in my case, I know my kids pretty well, and only resorted to snooping, real snooping once. I don't do that as a rule and I would have to be very concerned to cross the line to do that but at the time it was the right thing to do and I am not sorry for it. It saved him from making a huge mistake that could have really hurt him.

 

[Lisa-Ruff N Tuff Minis]

Maybe i misunderstood the original post. I read it as mom read some not so nice stuff about her from daughter- got feelings hurt ( which i understand) and now is mad and upset..

The way I am reading it i am not seeing much concern for safety not saying that isnt a part of it but... bottom line is like rabbit says there will be times your kids think they hate you , think you are an embarassment, are fed up with what they feel are judgements and lets face it plain dont like you when you dont do what they want.. that is there job as teens to deal with all of those feelings and more and learn how to sort them out and deal with them. It is so very hard to not take it personally and to heart but as a parent sometimes that is just what you have to do. It is one thing to check things for safety reasons although personally as a mom if that was my concern you can bet i would be checking you and your body not what you wrote. But it is another all togther to then take those things you found in hold on to them and not let them go and then to hold it against you.

 

[ChrystalPaths]

You know we have quite a wonderful group of moms here and I'm proud of all of em.

Lisa and Rabbit say it perfectly.

All kids go through phases where they absolutely hate their parent(s). Mine did(do) at times. If I hadn't been snooping (as Marty put it) I may not have known she cut herself. By gentle pressure she confessed and we worked it out.

How about we parents that sometimes hate their kids. We go on a rant about all we do for them and how they don't appreciate or realize all we do for THEM....then reality hits and truer words were never spoken.....One person here said they didn't ask to born.

We are expected to do for them and raise them. It is our "job". Complain to the hand Mom or Dad. Did we as kids ever say, "gee Mom, thanks for going with out those new jeans/sneakers/food/trip/ dinner out/ so I could have...whatever. I don't think so.

I have days when I hate being a mom. I cry out, "why isn't this the pioneer days when at 15 they left home as adults!" "I've done all I can to this age, if they don't have it now, they never will".

You have days where you wish you had a diferent parent. All normal. BUT!

Bottom line....Mom should not have read your private journal, You should not have posted it on a public place. You have issues that scare the dickens out of Mom, and You insist things are fine. Something must have prompted her to go "look". Something you did or said or a general attitude to cause her fear or apprehension. I would never read a diary but; I have and do snoop when the signs tell me something is wrong.

We're all people, young or old, grown or growing. I hope you all can get past the betrayal and anger and embarrasment here and get to what the problem really is.

Remember God only gives you one family at a time. One mom and one dad. You kids don't come with an owners manual and as you kids make mistakes so do we as parents..If I screw up I apologize and I expect my kids to do the same.

Say you''re sorry for hurting her feeling but if she was worried she needs to come to you and just ask.

One life to live...live it well. Don't sweat the small stuff. Life is too short. If someone you love died tomorrow would you mourn the lost time to say I'm sorry and I love you? Better it is said now. Hugs to you all.

I'm so happy to be part of this forum family.

 

[Horse Hugs]

You know, we are missing a big part of the story, and I think the details could make a big difference in the way things should be handled. How mean were the things that you wrote? Why exactly does your Mom have such a big problem trusting you?

I, personally, think it is wrong for a parent to read a child's diary. I don't think a parent has a right to know everything that their teenagers are thinking. This is very hard because as a parent we know every little detail about our children when they are younger and we have total control and then suddenly they grow up and shut us out. It can really hurt.

I'm not saying that I never snooped on my kids, though. I read my daughter's diary at one point when she was going through a very rough time. She made a comment about hating her life and wanting to die and I was devastated. Here was this girl who was so beautiful, extremely smart straight 'A" student, an excellent rider winner trophy after trophy, and had what I thought was a wonderful family life, saying she wanted to die.. I read her diary and felt that she was going through that teenage stage where it was "cool" to be depressed. She also was a writer and I think she wanted to be dramatic. BUT- I never told her I read her diary and I never got mad at her for anything she wrote. I just used the knowledge I gained to be a better parent. I made sure I watched her carefully and I spent a lot more time talking to her and trying to get her to open up.

I don't think waht I did was right- but I would do it all over again. As a parent, we have to do the best we can to protect our children.

I think if your Mom was concerned about something and was driven to read your blog than she should have realized that any information she got from it should have been confidential. She should not be holding it against you. The fact that she is not reaching out to you makes me wonder if she really has your best interest at heart. She seems to be acting very imaturely, but is there something more to the story? No matter what my daughter or son ever could do to me, I wouldn't ever ignore them like your Mom is doing now. Thats not very good parenting.

I have read so many of your posts over the last few months and you seem like a very stable and intelligent young lady. I hope your Mom will realize this and accept you for who you are.

 

[rabbitsfizz]

Everybody, including Jamie.... I DO have a problem with Mom reading the diary, she had NO "right" to do so. If she was truly doing it out of concern for her daughter then, when she finds out that she is actually, for whatever reason, the cause of her daughter current problems I would suggest that having a temper tantrum and refusing to speak to her daughter is probably NOT the right way to go about gaining her trust and love!! This is LUDICROUS!!! Once the diary had been read the way forward is to confess it, openly, apologise for having done it and explain the reasons behind so doing. NOT act like a spoilt child . Mom had no right to read the diary, she is acting, and Dad as well, as if they did have this right, and they can "bully" their daughter into having the right sort of thoughts and ideals. That is down right daft....sorry, but, I think I've tried just about every angle, including screaming and yelling (who hasn't??) Doesn't work, end of story. I can think of a thousand good reasons not to do anything that Jamie's Mom has done but, bottom line is, she should not do it because this line of approach DOES NOT WORK

 

[~LadyBug~]

Hi Jamie ((hugs)) to you for having to go through this. I am 17 and believe me I know being this young can get rough. and we all have to go through it. Fortunately, my mom trusts me alot, because i have always been responsible and trustworthy, but my dad is harder to gain the trust even though i have never broken it.

. One thing that happens to me that really hurts, is im constantly getting told that i should do this and that and work harder around the house and be more helpful and stop leaving dirty clothes out and do your laundry and so on.....and no matter how hard i try i always fall short, then i get the whole lecture about how they do so much for me and give up their whole lives for me and i cant even do a little in return. That hurts big time.

Like RabbitsFizz said, I didnt ask to be born, and im sorry im such a problem. I hope my parents are happier when i move out..

grrrr its tough being a teen..

Ashley

 

[js1arab]

Hi Jamie  ((hugs)) to you for having to go through this. I am 17 and believe me I know being this young can get rough. and we all have to go through it. Fortunately, my mom trusts me alot, because i have always been responsible and trustworthy, but my dad is harder to gain the trust even though i have never broken it. . One thing that happens to me that really hurts, is im constantly getting told that i should do this and that and work harder around the house and be more helpful and stop leaving dirty clothes out and do your laundry and so on.....and no matter how hard i try i always fall short, then i get the whole lecture about how they do so much for me and give up their whole lives for me and i cant even do a little in return. That hurts big time.

Like RabbitsFizz said, I didnt ask to be born, and im sorry im such a problem. I hope my parents are happier when i move out..

grrrr its tough being a teen..

Ashley

OOPS -hit the wrong button

I was going to say. Maybe we can ALL learn something from this unfortunate incident. As I was reading LadyBugs comments, I couldn't help but feel that the description of her parents sounds a lot like me. I know my son tries part of the time. But sometimes, I swear he thinks a parent's sole purpose in life is to give him everything he wants, let him do whatever he wants and be his live-in cook and maid. But when Ashley describes her situation, she sounds quite genuine that she tries. Maybe my son feels the same way and I am just not hearing him well enough. Maybe someone should start a forum somewhere that teens and parents can ask each other about there feelings and how another persons point of view comes across. Or maybe on a certain night the youth could have a question situation on their forum. They could ask us adults how we would handle situations and we could ask them why in the heck teens do what they do (or don't do ) sometimes

All the teens that have posted with problems with parents could even try to invite their parents on those evenings and the parents may be able to see that thier kids really are good kids because they have friends like us 

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[Feather1414]

Thank you everyone for responding to my post. I haven't cut in over a year, and to be honest, my mom never found out, nor do I have any intentions of telling her. I have always tried my absolute best to make my parents proud, and it just hurts SOOOOO much when even my best efforts come across as half - assed ((am I allowed to say that?)) and in turn my parents think I am just being lazy.

Js1arab. Please try harder to listen to your son. A lot of parents now a days think we are just lazy especially in school, but its hard. Its really hard. Daily we have teachers telling us about our futures, and such and then we come home and have our parents hassle us. Its truly not easy. Things you parents did as kids are now considered inappropriate and we are expected to behave like perfect young people. Do you know how hard it is? We are kids, we still have a lot of energy. We are still growing up. Parents are always trying to keep us from making the same mistakes, but sometimes you NEED to make a mistake to learn. I know I have made plenty of mistakes, and I won't go about doing them again.

RuffNTuff - the original post was about how my mom read some not so nice stuff, and yes, she is upset. Today she was actually speaking to me, which is a change, but then it got bad when I tried to tell her how I felt. How I am sorry for hurting her, but NOT sorry for what I wrote and she told me she thinks I need to see a therapist. Its comments like that that don't improve anything. When your parents won't listen to what you have to say, and always think they are right, we as kids feel its impossible to tell them anything anyways, and will just stop trying all together. If your only going to get shot down, why put forth the effort?

 

[Feather1414]

Gah, double post...

 

[Crossbuck Farms]

It really bothers me when kids sit and say they have stress. How can a kid have stress with school and a normal life. If they cannot deal with a normal life how will a kid function when they are on there own. I mean right now as I type my dad has just had his 3rd heart attack and don't even ask about our finances now that is stress.

 

[Feather1414]

It really bothers me when kids sit and say they have stress. How can a kid have stress with school and a normal life. If they cannot deal with a normal life how will a kid function when they are on there own. I mean right now as I type my dad has just had his 3rd heart attack and don't even ask about our finances now that is stress.

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Dazzler, this is the kind of thinking that I was talking about. You just don't think we can be stressed. Maybe its not the same type of stress, but we do stress out about a lot of things. Right now, I have teachers and parents breathing down my neck about colleges, and my future, and its all very scary... Just an example...

 

[Horse Hugs]

Feather,

Stress, like most things in this life, is relative. Don't let anyone make you feel like your stress is not real- because it is. Some people deal with stress better than others and some people get stressed out over the least little thing- but being a teenager getting ready for college is a very stressful time in your life. Are you a Senior? I read that a lot of High Schools are offering counseling to Seniors because they get so stressed out applying to colleges and waiting for the decisions so you are not alone in feeling that there are so many things to deal with right now.

I wish your Mother would take some time to listen to you. I know exactly how you feel because I could never get my Mom to listen to me when I was young. She was very close-minded and didn't want to ever hear my side of anything.

 

[Ashley]

I havent posted on this for many reasons, but Feather I know where you are comeing from with alot of the things you stated in your original posts.

Dazzler~ Thats very harsh, and I hope that if you ever have kids, for the sake of them you open our mind and realize that before its to late with them.

 

[~LadyBug~]

Dazzler, that was very harsh. I am 17, and have been going through major stress and depression this year. Dont try to tell me it aint real, cause it ruined my summer and made me gain weight and lose all confidence in myself.

I got turned on by all the people that i thought were my friends, went through some really bad relationships, stress about getting good grades and graduating, MAJOR work stress, I was a vet tech and took my job very seriously and i lived for it, but i had a boss that was abusing me. My parents forced me to quit, because i was coming home from work crying every night, my boss made me lay on the floor and reach under cages that she didnt think were adequately clean, she recorded my phone convos with clients and if i stuttered she punished me. She RUINED my life this year. SO DONT TELL ME that kids cant have stress and depression. Yea i am the only 17 year old i know that is a trained vet tech, but dont tell me i cant handle it. Cause the truth is i live for it and im D*amn good.

I Have been fighting this with everything i have left in me, I am losing the weight, I am trying to hold my head high again. I am going back and taking SATs this winter so i can go off to college to get licensed as a vet tech this fall.

Hang in there Jamie, I know how it feels to be going through what you are going through, but it will pass and you will be fine.

Its tough being young but we will survive it i suppose

Ashley

 

[Lisa-Ruff N Tuff Minis]

It really bothers me when kids sit and say they have stress. How can a kid have stress with school and a normal life. If they cannot deal with a normal life how will a kid function when they are on there own. I mean right now as I type my dad has just had his 3rd heart attack and don't even ask about our finances now that is stress.

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I understand you are going thru some tough stuff right now so that may be part of your comment but..

a kid cant deal with life as an adult that is why they ARE KIDS!

Beign a teen is a horrible stressful time, trying to fit in , and figure out yourself where you fit as a teen and as a almost adult, friends, peer pressure, decisions daily about drugs, alcohol, sex, boys , girls, school ,college, work I wouldnt go back there for NOTHING NO HOW NO WAY.

and yes thati s what I thought the OP was about.. there is NO WAY it is appropriate for her to be angry about what she snooped and found period no matter how you slice it. I understand being hurt i am sure I would be to but.. the ADULT thing to do is to accept it as venting from a teen and let it go not hold it against your child

I am sorry things are so tough for you right now hang in there it will get better.

 

[Pepipony]

Dazzler, you obviously dont have a clue. I know that sounds harsh but goodgooglymoogly! I havent been in school for 25 years and it was stressfull then. Now w/drugs, more activities, more stressfull parents ( who want to keep up w/the Jones' and bury themselves in debt) and everything else going on, I can only imagine how stressed kids can be.