I dont know what to do with this mess

[Helicopter]

What a horrible situation. IMO tell them to go. Get counselling for yourself so you don't beat yourself up over the eviction. You only have one life to live. They are ruining it. You have a good man but given the situation I have to wonder for how long. They are only your ''family'' by accident of birth. You owe them nothing......not money, not even love. Nothing.

That's my opinion for what it's worth.

 

[StarRidgeAcres]

I haven't read the other responses but I wanted to say I feel so bad for you. You are in a HORRIBLE situation and when it's with family it's even worse! I'm not sure why, but it seems it's human nature to sometimes allow family members to do things to us that we wouldn't stand for a second from a stranger. Why is that? Just because someone gave birth to us or raised us does NOT give them the right to take adavantage of us.

You mother needs help but you can not make her get it. It sounds like your brother has issues too, but you have no control over him. You are right, this should be a wonderful time in your life - planning your wedding to a wonderful man and looking forward to the future. From the little bit you've shared here, and I'm sure there's more, much more, they are completely taking advantage of your kindness and your reluctance to kick them out. Sadly, this will not change on it's own. You have to stand up for yourself and your soon-to-be new family with your husband. Easy for me to say, but they both need to go. Trust me, they will find a way. But you can't let them continue to use you like this. I think you know it's wrong on some level but you're letting yourself feel guilted into letting them continue. Only you can stand up for yourself. You do NOT owe your mother anything. The fact that she could even say that tells me she needs psychological help. You are not a professional counselor so you are not going to be able to fix her on your own. If she won't get help then she is saying she likes the way she is. So fine! She can like her lifestyle somewhere else. Do not let them continue to free-load off you and your fiance.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but these two need a wake up call and you have to be strong enough to stop contributing to it by enabling them.

Hugs to you. It's a horrible situation with no easy answer.

 

[cretahillsgal]

Im sorry you are having to deal with this. I'm in my early 30's and my mom still to this day tries to "take care of me". Its hard to deal with, but I tell her how I feel and yeah she is mad at first. But she calms down and backs off and at least she and I have a relationshp still.

There is a reason your mother refuses to go to counseling. Because she knows she is going to hear things she does not want to hear. Its easier for her to continue to mooch of of you and your fiance. You are going to have to stand up to her and demand respect from your mother if you want it. I agree counseling for you would be beneficial in figuring out how to deal with the situation better.

 

[minisch]

You know how they say parents need to use "Tough Love". IMO that's what you need to do. You've helped her, tried to get her help. Eviction Notice

 

[wingnut]

Can I put what may be a different spin on this situation? How much do you cherish your marriage? I would bet its a lot. If this continues, if you allow this continue, you are great risk of destroying your marriage.

What good is family if they only use you? if they're going to take the side of the user and manipulator? You have to understand that I come from an exceptionally dysfunctional family (both maternal and paternal, going back generations). I finally walked away from all of them but my own sisters. Even then, there is a wall that will never come done because I simply cannot allow the dysfunction to continue in my own family. MY FAMILY, my husband and my children, come first. No mother, brother, sister, grandmother, aunt, uncle or cousin is going to be allowed to do ANYTHING to hurt them. Even if that means a painful decision is made.

Give them 30 days to get out. Now. Kick Mom out of the LR. It belongs to YOU and YOUR HUSBAND.

The only thing I might do is buy the ring from her NOW before she pawns it. At least then you'll know it's safe. Otherwise, DO NOT GIVE HER or HIM ANYMORE MONEY!

{{{{{ hugs }}}}}}

 

[Flying minis]

Loving someone means you think of what's good for them before you think of what's good for yourself. You are doing that. Your mother however, is NOT! It is time for you to realize that doing what is right for your mother (and brother) is to stop enabling them - no matter how much they or anyone else argues. You do not owe either of them. You have only done what you felt was helpful to them, out of LOVE, if they felt the same, this situation would not be happening, because they would recognize the help you are providing and trying to do things to make your life easier. They are not. You love them, but as someone else said, it is time to practice tough love. They may eventually recognize what you did, but realize that they may not, and this may cause a permanent rift - but do you really want to maintain a relationship with them if they are going to act the way they do? Is that a relationship you want to model to your future children?

 

[Watcheye]

Thank you all for your support and thoughts. I have been at work a lot the past few days and unable to get on line and respond. I have been to counseling a little and we had considered the "we all go to counseling or you get out" approach. We will have to either use that or they will have to go. They recently both got jobs which I was hoping would happen so they had something before being on their own.

We did talk to my grandma a bit who usually has a great relationship with me (but turns on an irrational dime when it comes to my mom and my brother). She was taken aback when we said mom and my brother should move in with her. She couldnt handle my moms dogs or afford to support her. I asked her when she was my age what she was doing. She told me about the little apartment my grandpa and her had to rough it in. I asked her "ok but were your supporting your parents there and other family??" Well no she wasnt... she was still angry with me and supportive of my "poor mother"...

Its really painful to watch. We used to have such a great relation ship.

My mom is ABSOLUTELY depressed and in alarming denial. It scars the tar out of me to see. She often whines about being depressed and insists my poor brother is depressed and makes excuses for him (that is a load of crap).

I have gone to counseling and hope to try to again. He gave me a book called Boundaries to read. So far its been good. She needs to go to to hear what someone from the outside would have to say. She insists she has talked to impartial people and they all feel sorry for HER. Its ridiculous.

I know I am enabling it.

We are able (myself and my fiance) to support our pets as well as the house. I dont mind TOO much supporting my moms horses. She does at times buy sawdust for all of our horses but I would like some consistency with money as it takes more than sawdust to support them. Especially since she is living at the house.

She and my brother have pretty much banded together (as the victims) and I am the outsider when I am home and they are mad about this kind of thing. Luckily (I guess) I am headed to work again today.

 

[REO]

She and my brother have pretty much banded together (as the victims) and I am the outsider when I am home and they are mad about this kind of thing. Luckily (I guess) I am headed to work again today.

In YOUR OWN HOME

 

[ohmt]

I can tell you are such a sweet person and they are taking advantage.

They HAVE to go, no matter what kind of relationship that leads to afterward and no matter what the rest of your family says. What they are doing is wrong on so many levels and if they can not see that then you do not need them in your life until they do. They are not even thinking about how it effects you, so now it is time to look out for yourself for a change. Do what is best for YOU. It is YOUR home and YOUR life and you have been far too accommodating for far too long.

I hope you get things fixed soon! Take care of yourself.

 

[susanne]

You need a support group in the vein of Al-Anon -- a group that helps family members deal with troubled relatives -- helping you to be supportive without being an enabler.

You are a good, kind person, and you and your fiance have the patience of saints, but you are helping no one by allowing this situation to continue -- least of all yourselves.

You know what you have to do, and you're right -- it will be painful. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your fiance and your future marriage. As for your grandmother...it sounds like she may be one reason your mother is as she is. This cycle needs to stop somewhere.

Stay strong and keep us posted. You have a whole forum's worth of support right here.

 

[lucky lodge]

hows every thing going watcheye

 

[supaspot]

I hope she has found the strength to show them the door