I dont know what to do with this mess

[Watcheye]

It is hard to know where to start with this and I will inevitably forget something. I dont really know where to turn. I must apologize over and over for how scattered this is. I have tried to give the shortest version I can here.

First I will say that I love my mom and my family very much. They are extremely important to me. My mom has changed over the years though and it has been agonizing to watch.

She can not manage her money at all. Currently she and my 19 year old brother are living in the house my fiance and I are purchasing with us. She is supposed to be getting on her feet and getting her credit back up so she can get a place of her own. It seems though that she keeps falling into the same patterns with money. She spends irresponsibly on things she insists we HAVE to have and then runs out or over draws her account. There was an issue out of her control with her job recently and she has been out of work from October till very recently. Weve pretty much been supporting her and my brother who didnt work either... And often their animals (horses, dogs, bearded dragon, bird. She still finds things she needs to go spend on. We tried to keep some basic food in the house but not a lot of fancy stuff hoping to nudge them into getting work asap but that wasnt working too well. Because she feels that she must go get these things she will pawn things. Anything really. This includes a very sentimental wedding ring that my dad had designed for her. It represents something in life that I lost when I was 5 and still wish that I had (a mom and a dad together). She hasnt pawned that yet but she wants to and she has pawned lots of other things.

My brother isnt helping. He owes us money and instead of paying us, he went ahead and purchased a new game system. He doesnt contribute and whenever my mom and I get into it he goes after me. He has anger management issues that are not fun to have to deal with either and a complete lack of respect. Weve been supporting him too. He just doesnt have a clue. He likes to act like an authority though.

It wouldnt be SO bad however they have taken over a majority of their house and we have ended up often just keeping to our room. I have to keep reminding myself this is my house. My mom spends a lot of time sitting in the living room with a comforter and pillows and the coffee table pulled against the couch with food and drinks. Its a mess and so hard to watch. I hate to see her like this. When we want her to help pay for things she insists she has to pay for something else first (she has borrowed money from family, she has the cable in her name and wants to keep the package with more than what we need, she wants to get particular groceries....).

It stinks to not be able to run things your way in your own house. She simply argues and bull dozes me over to do things her way. She says I owe her because of everything she did for me as her daughter. This has made me a bit bitter and given me a bit of an attitude at times. I hate that.

If we really fight she will turn other family members on me (grandparents, aunts, uncles). Its very manipulative. She actually calls them on the phone right in front of me (yes, she seriously does that). I am made to be the bad guy.

Its driving me mad and it is very much not fair as I am supposed to be enjoying planning a wedding. I have friends and family on my dads side that have been very supportive. Ive tried to take her to counseling with me but she refuses. I am working a lot and trying to do art but this is consuming me. I cant think straight. I dont know what I would do if I didnt have Matt to be supportive of me. My mom is now blaming him for my bad relationship with her. Its horrible.

Once again I am sorry this is so long and unorganized. I want to help her and the situation but this way isnt working and I dont know what to do anymore.

 

[Ashley]

eviction notice for both would be in order if it was me.

 

[Watcheye]

The eviction notice has come up. It just breaks my heart as they will only see their side and see it as a total betrayal. Its not an easy situation. I was hoping we could come to an understanding. I just dont see how to fix it.

 

[lucky lodge]

oh you poor thing ,,i no its easy for me to say ..but .tell them to ship up or ship out ... you cant

afford to be looking after them especial your brother tell him to get off his butt and get a job or get out...as for your

mum saying well i looked after you when you were little well that was her choice..that is a horrible thing

to say to you...but no matter what i or anyone else says you are the only one that can do anything

about it...i wish you the best in what ever you do

and iam sending you the biggest hugs.....

:wub

 

[Watcheye]

Thanks guys. I am just so upset about all of this. I dont even know where to turn anymore. My brother did finally and recently get a job but I dont know if we will see any contributions or not.

I really wanted to have things worked out so I could enjoy the experience of my wedding planning with my mom. Unfortunately my parents are divorced and my dad (who is helping a lot with almost all of the wedding stuff traditional of the bride) lives out of state. I went over dresses on line with my mom at home but ended up in a tricky spot when the dress she and I had found and liked the best was on sale and I bought it with my step mom, step sister, and some very close friends including my matron of honor. We caught it on the last day of the sale. It was VERY hard for me and I cried as I wanted her to be there too. I still have fittings and want mom to be involved in as much as possible. The dress is being shipped to us here and I want to have ladies days out to do dress stuff and cake stuff and talk to her about decorating and have her be involved as possible but its hard to do with the issues we are having over here. This evening she told me I didnt need her as I had my dad and step mom (she is VERY bitter toward them) to do the wedding.

 

[MindyLee]

I can tell you right now that it will stick a nail between you and ur future husband. I would 1st toss the brother out, then inform ur mother that shes a mother and you owe her nothing. If she cant handle it, then oh well, she will get over it I garentee it! I would say that she has so much time to get her act togater as its ur time to be a adult and live ur life now and you cant with messy moches sucking you dry. For ur brother, ur not his mommy and time for him to grow up. And for the ring, sounds tough but offer her $100 when shes desperate for money and then buy it, otherwise it will end up at the pawn shop. My mother did the same thing! And both my sister and I was upset too.

I have been there and done it too. Yep everyone called me everything under the sun cause I was the bad guy too, but altho it took yrs down the rd, everyone has came around and all is pretty much good again. So even tho they get mad and turn the family on you, they will get over it. You are blood!

 

[lucky lodge]

you sound like a very nice person and people are taking advantage of you

time to put your foot down

 

[Watcheye]

I really appreciate the support. I need it desperately right now. This is one of the hardest things I have ever dealt with. I dont want anyone hurt and it just doesnt work that way I know. My mom is in there somewhere and its just horrible to here the venomous things she says about me (even her tone). I feel so bad as I have become bitter toward her and I dont want that.

I try to be a good person and I really do want to help them.

 

[bevann]

I know it is hard, but as long as you keep putting up the money the behavior will NEVER change.You have to look out for yourself-it is obvious your mom and brother care only about themselves based on their behavior.Family issues are the most difficult.You have a man who loves you.Don't let your family members mess up that relationship."Often times these tough decisions are hard on us, but have to be done.I've been dealing with several family members who look at me as nothing more than a wallet.I loaned money to so many it put me in a big financial bind.I finally decided I needed to take care of me and said no more money.I only regret that I didn't do it sooner.I felt guilty for a while, but not one of them has paid back any of the money they"Borrowed"Hang in there.You deserve to be happy.Sounds like you are much more mature than either mom or brother.Get on with the wedding you want.Mom can be included or not-sounds like her choice.You are not the bad guy.

 

[Marty]

I have to wonder.......you said your mother has changed, if she isn't suffering from extreme depression. The shopping, the irresponsibility, all sounds to me like perhaps she has "checked out". Since you cannot get her to counselling, maybe you can bring counselling to her in way of clergy coming to your house and have an intervention. Do look into it. I am so sorry you are being put through this. Big warm hugs.

 

[disneyhorse]

Get a counselor for yourself. You need to look out for YOU and if kicking them out hurts them, they've only brought it on themselves. Rational, responsible people do not act like that. YOU need to do what's best for YOU, you cannot help those who will not help themselves. They're adults, they need to figure their own lives out. They are users and abusers, and just because they are related to you does not automatically mean they get to choose to make you miserable. It's a sad situation, but it isn't going to magically become rainbows and butterflies by continuing on this path.

Strength to you.

 

[barnbum]

Get a counselor for yourself. You need to look out for YOU and if kicking them out hurts them, they've only brought it on themselves. Rational, responsible people do not act like that. YOU need to do what's best for YOU, you cannot help those who will not help themselves. They're adults, they need to figure their own lives out. They are users and abusers, and just because they are related to you does not automatically mean they get to choose to make you miserable. It's a sad situation, but it isn't going to magically become rainbows and butterflies by continuing on this path.

Strength to you.

I agree with the above. You are in a tough tough situation. When you're so young it's hard to make that adjustment in the parental relationship--from child to being the more grown up one. Role reversal. BUT--you're enabling them with the way it is now and nothing will change until you stop the madness. Not that you are engaged--you need to consider the needs of you and your future husband first. You'd want him to do the same for you.

You are in a crappy situation--very tough stuff.

 

[REO]

I have not read the other replies.

You CANNOT let this go on. She's lived her live and is still living it how she chooses to. But you are an ADULT and you have YOUR life to live as YOU choose.

Well, all those people that she calls to complain about you too, that take her side against you.........well, since they think her way of living is so wonderful & you are so mean to her, she needs to go MOVE IN WITH ONE OF THEM!

And your brother?? He needs to just step off and get a job and move in with roommates some place and GROW UP.

Yes you love them!!!!

But it seems they show you NO respect or love at all the way they treat you. What kind of marriage will you be able to have the way things are now? What chance at a nice life are they letting you have? None!

They are selfish.......SELFISH.

Some times the best way to show love is to let them go. If your mom is that depressed then she needs to get help and stop treating you like crap and dragging you down with her. YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY

 

[LindaL]

I agree with the others that you need to get counseling (not because you are "ill", but to help you figure out how to deal with your tough situation). Also, your family needs to be shown "tough love"...since for whatever reason (my 1st thought was drug use actually) they have chosen to take advantage of you since they can't take care of themselves. Take a stand and give BOTH of them an eviction notice...and do NOT back down. Even people with bad credit CAN get housing...or live with someone else.

You and your fiance should be your top priory right now...He sounds like an amazing guy for allowing this to happen under his roof to make you "happy". But, if some thing doesn't happen soon; he may say "enough is enough"...

I feel bad for you being in this situation. I hope you can get it resolved and still have your mom in your life when you walk down the aisle.

 

[stormy]

So sorry to hear this, just not right! You must know your mom is mentally ill, she needs treatment. Your brother is using you and taking advantage of the situation. Brother needs a boot in the behind....mom needs a trip to a mental health facility and the right meds to get her back to the person you once knew and respected. Doubt I am telling you anything you don't already knwo, hard to be the "mean" one in their eyes but you need to be respected and appreciated too!

 

[alongman]

I agree with the counseling for ALL of you. Maybe you could make THAT a stipulation of staying in your house. The whole family goes in order to deal with ALL the issues (monetary included) or they will have "x" amount of time to find other residence. Sounds horrible, but living in government housing has inspired MANY people to figure out what truly is important and struggle to improve themselves.

 

[Carolyn R]

Oh sweetie, I can relate more than you know. Not my parents, but my husband's. When we dated, I felt so bad for them, they had so little, always talking about the fire that wiped out part of their home, my husbands father was on disability due to supposed multiple health isues the list went on.....and on... well two years into dating I saw a pattern, they would befriend people, give their story ask for handouts, borrow money, cry that they needed help on house projects (they would always stand by and watch as others worked, and the health issues pertaining to my future father in law, well I really don't know how he was granted permanent dissability, by todays standards I don't think he would ever be approved). When the cash flow would stop or they were no longer benefitting from the situation, the friendship would stop and they would move on to the next victim. Oh, the house fire they always talked about happened 10 years before we met! They did not drink or do drugs, but none the less, they were not very good parents, there are certain guidelines parents parents should have regarding drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, and sex, and well, at least my husband and I agree that our kids will have guidance and high standards. Something that my husband did not have at all. I can't tell you how maney times I have heard my MIL and FIL day "you owe us, we raised you!" or "one of you kids needs to give us money for these bills, you owe us".

My husband paid them rent when he lived under their roof, after four years of dating, we decided to get married. There was no congratulations, just them telling him, well if thats wat you really want to do, and saying "where the f@#% are we gonna get money for a tux and a dress?" That was beyond hurtful. We ended up paying for my FIL tux and ended up buying my MIL not one but two dresses,because she decided she really didn't like the first one

They made absolute pigs of themselves at our rehersal dinner, it was only pizza, wings, and beer, we kept it simple knowing this would happen. My father in law ate an entire large pizza and 24 wings himself, this was typical if he wasn't paying. Even after my husband moved out we gave them rent for two more months, so they could juggle some bills and get a plan in order, it still didn't keep them from asking for more money. As parents. they did not drink or do drugs, but none the less, they were not very good parents, there are certain guidelines parents parents should have regarding drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, and sex,esp. when we are talking about 12 and 13 year olds, and well, at least my husband and I agree that our kids will have guidance, morals and high standards.

They are hoarders, stacks of news papers, a dishwasher size box of happy meal toys, piles of clothing, two feet of crap on their counters, overflowing litter boxes, pathes that must be manuvered through,....we stopped going to ther place years ago and they only live 10 minutes away. They had another house fire a few years back, rather than demolishing and having a cape cod style modular put up, they took the lump sum settlement from the insurance (which is only about 25-30% of the insured value, and despite the interior condition of the home, it was well insured). They squandered every dime and now live in a used trailer with half rotted floors, they rely on a generator for electric, and I don't think they have running water. The trailer is next to the burned out house. It is so sad, yet, sometimes you can not fix stupidity. I think the second fire was a blessing in disguise, but they blew it all.

Long story short, they are adults, you can't change them, they need to want that change for themselves. My husband and I have been married for 15 years, together for almost 19. It saddens me that he grew up too quick and that many times he feels like his parents love was conditional, as long as they were benefitting in some way. He is an extremely hard worker and I believe that some higher power has been looking out for him. He has done well for himself and I feel we are truely blessed, but it took him a LONG time to come to the conclusion that they are adults. We will never leave his parents stranded somewhere if they are out of gas, we won't deny them food or drink, but we will not hand over cash to them as it will be squandered. It does get better, but I do think that you must say, pitch in, give money for some bills, pay for some groceries, if they want specific items, then they buy them themselves, pay rent, even if you put that money into a seperate account for a future security deposit for an appartment for them, and set a realistic date that they must find a new place and be out of your home. Make it your New Year's resolution that they will be on their own and you will be starting a new life with your soon to be husband. I am sure you will be planning kids in the future and the current situation is not fair to the two of you. Down the road if your mother needs to be cared for as she ages, there is always the option of adding on an addition, like a small studio appartment, at her expense. As far as the animals go, if she can't afford to take care of herself, then she can't afford to take care of he critters, maybe they would be better off with a more stable home. Good Luck, it does get better.

 

[wcr]

I agree with the counseling for ALL of you. Maybe you could make THAT a stipulation of staying in your house. The whole family goes in order to deal with ALL the issues (monetary included) or they will have "x" amount of time to find other residence. Sounds horrible, but living in government housing has inspired MANY people to figure out what truly is important and struggle to improve themselves.

Totally agree!

I am sorry you are going through this ordeal and everyone has given you good advice and I know how hard it is for you to see the truth through all the murky waters of familial relationships. Reading between the lines I can tell you know in your gut instinct that you need to make changes. Your mother is having mental health issues. It may be depression or beginning dementia, who knows, but mental issues are apparent. She needs help and if you can't get her into some kind of treatment then sorry to say but tough love is in order. Dealing with family is so hard because they know all the buttons to push and old family dynamics make it hard to stand up for what you know is right.

I am the youngest of 3 kids, my brother was 13 years older and my sister 7 years older. I was always "the baby" and I had to fight them to allow me to make my own way in the world as an adult instead of being written off as "the baby". In my 30's our mother died and I moved near my sister and all the old family dysfunctions came out in the relationship between my sister and I. I am sad to say that we no longer have a relationship and haven't for about 20 years. I realize that if I had stood up to her in the beginning, things would probably have turned out differently. By trying to be the peace maker and not make waves, it went from bad to worse until there was nothing left.

It was total disrespect from your brother that he bought himself an expensive gaming system instead of using that money to help support the family. That should have been big warning flags to you that he doesn't care about what you are doing for him and as long as you support him he will be sitting on your couch sucking you dry. You owe him nothing and will be doing both of you a service to tell him to get off his lazy butt and go make his own way in the world.

It sounds as though you have found a good guy that will allow your family to live in HIS house with all these problems. You are being a responsible adult, falling in love, choosing to join in marriage, buy a home and build a life with your husband-to-be. Since these are your choices then you have a responsibility to HIM, not your family.

I don't know how it happened but as girls we have been brainwashed into somehow believing that the white knight will ride up on his horse and save us and that our wedding day should be an extravaganza of happiness and perfection. Yes, we want our wedding day to be special, but in reality it is only one day in our lives. I know you want your mother to be involved and do all the things that we have been told mothers should want to do to make your day special. She may not be capable of doing this for you and as hard as it is you have to accept this or be really miserable on your wedding day. It sounds as though you have supportive, positive people around you and you may need to make your needs met through them.

 

[Reble]

How about talking to one of the other family members, and ask them to take in your mom and brother

for a short period, that you need a break. At least one or the other.

Need them to see what you are going through.

If they don't want to than tell them to back off.

Than get a hold of your family doctor and make an appointment for you and your mom, just explain it is for you and would like her to come. See if they can help you out with her.

Seeing she might not go to any other counselling being I am sure she is denial.

Might have to be sneaky in getting her there.

One step at a time, it sounds like you are too caring to just say get out.

So true you are their enabler, must stop this to help them and your self out.

Sorry this is happening but remember you are playing a part in this too.

Good Luck and keep us posted on how things are working out for you.

 

[SampleMM]

I would recommend counseling for you so that you can get another perspective on your situation. I'm sure you love your mom and brother but sometimes love is knowing when to say ENOUGH. Take care but do try to find a good, reputable counselor.