Heartbroken friend

[hhpminis]

I have a very sick friend. It is killing me that she is sick. Waiting on tests, trying to find answers and meanwhile, each day gets harder and she gets sicker. Most of you dont know me well. I have a very small inner circle, when I choose to let someone in, it is for life and they become very special to me. This person is in that place.

More than her physical sickness is the fact that her heart has been broken by a few people she allowed in her inner circle. They may or may not have known all that was going on in her life right now. But still, how do you handle someone that you have let get close to you, and then in your greatest time of need, they let you down in a big big way.

I know that I want to hate them, I also know that is wrong, and no one deserves to be hated. However, my ties with them will more than likely be forever broken, never again to trust, value, admire, or respect them or anything they do or say.

I also know that you need to forgive, but how. It truly would be easier if they had done it to me. After all, who am I. But to do this to someone like her, one of the most truly generous, kind, understanding and accepting people I think I will ever know. So much better of a person than I will ever hope to be.

I watched the short clip that Reble posted, The Dash, I have seen it before, but it truly hit home this time. How do we spend our dash? How do you get over hurt and forgive. If my life ended tomorrow, would I want to hate them? Absolutely not, but how do you not hate someone for hurting someone you love so deeply.

Why do we as humans find joy in degrading others? Of all things I can think of to do, why that. Trust me, I am far from perfect and have done things I am not proud of. But, what good does it do you, me, or anyone, for that matter to tear someone else down, to betray their trust, to make them feel humiliated and small and valueless. Why do we do this?

I want to scream at these people, I want to tell them I hate them, I want to never have to see or hear from them again. The site of them makes me ill. I want them to feel at least half as terrible about what they have done as I do. But nothing, not a word. Not an apology, no humiliation, nothing.

Do I tell them how I feel? Do I let time heal all wounds? Do I just choose for them not to be in my life? If they were present now, I would probably slap their face. What good would that do? If I felt they could learn from this, maybe, but do people like this ever learn? Most of all, I want them to apologize to her, and then leave, get out of her life, never to return. Maybe she wont accept it from them, that is her choice, but at least say it.

Thanks for reading this. I dont know what I expect to accomplish, but somehow putting it in words makes me feel better. I just wish we all would stop and think before we speak or type. Believe me I have, it has taken me an hour to write this, it took me even longer to hit the Post button. Now I am going to go play with ponies and have them fix all my troubles. They carry great power you know.

 

[CrescentMinis]

I am sorry Annette. I know how hard it is to be so close to someone and have others break that trust. It is very sad and unfair that people can't see the hurt they inflict on others, especially when it's someone who would never do the same, and at the worst possible time.

There is no easy answer. In my opinion (this will sound simplistic compared with the depth of your post), "revenge" or getting even just brings you down to their level, and all you can do is take the high road and be the true friend you are.

 

[SweetOpal]

Annette, as you know I too know this person you speak of. I know that not only is the person dealing with so much on thier plate right now, but to have to find out what others who were "freinds, mentors, and acquantinces(sp?) really think of the person is just awful!! Now you are right these people don't know what she is going through, but that is no excuse for thier behavior, a friend never stabs you regardless if you are down or not. I am the type of person that I make a friend and it is hard to walk away from that friend again, true freinds are very hard to come by. I try to treat my friends the way I would want to be treated, in this situation I truly hope these friends would not have my same outlook, because I can tell you the pain and hurt they would feel would truly be umbareable. As friends none of us are perfect that is for sure. You can forgive them but forgetting what they did or how they acted truly sticks in the back of mind. If that is how they handle themselves and thier words how can you ever think that they don't do the same about you!

Annette you are a great friend especially that the fact your other freind has been so offended and hurt by these others, and to think they have no shame, going around living life like nothing happened. It always amazes me to find out that we carry this hurt and pain and meanwhile the doer's of evil walk around head held high loosing no sleep!! I don't know how they do it, other than they have no conscience(sp?) They are mean spirited people who love to spread hate and anger and then try to walk out like roses.......well those are some pretty sharp thorns in my opinion!!!!

 

[shelia]

It sounds like your answers are right there in your post. As heartbreaking as it must be, you know that there is nothing you can say or do to make this better between them. Those kind of people will soon alienate themselves, and drive away any careing family or friends they have and as they grow older they will grow more alone. They may someday understand what they have done when they find themselves in similar circumstances.

I am very sorry for your friend, but it seems she has a great friend in you! The best thing you can do is just be a good friend to her and let the others go there own way. They are chosing there own fate in life and it doesn't sound like a very happy one for them.

Shelia B.

 

[Belinda]

Hey Annette,

I know just how you feel. I really thank Humans can be so cruel .. But hey guess you need to find room 402

For a little let down and some Sprits

But really don't let this take you so down right now when you should be enjoying your Holidays..

, There now do you feel better.. Your friend is very lucky to have someone that cares so much..

 

[Lewella]

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,


And the wisdom to know the difference.



My father and grandfather were both recovering alcholics and the Serenity Prayer was posted in dozens of places throughout our house and my grandparents house while I was growing up. To this day when I'm stressed out or angry I'll take a couple of deep breaths and recite it in my head and ask myself "Is this something I can change?" If it isn't, even though it can be really hard, I have to step back and Let Go and Let God.

Another thing I learned over those years with family members in "the program" was that anger is a secondary emotion and that you can't deal with anger until you understand and confront the emotion that came first to cause the anger.

Time doesn't necessarily heal all wounds but it does take the edge off most of them and bring you to a place where you can learn to accept what cannot be changed.

{{{HUGS}}}

 

[Valerie]

Wow.......first off let me say I am so sorry for you friend, it's enough to be ill but then to add people's stupid behavior on top of that, it does make one want to scream.

Annette, all I can say is continue to be the loving, awesome friend to your friend you can be, and I know you will. I can tell in your post that you already know what you will do, and getting it out onto paper had to provide a tad bit of therapy, yes?......and I am sure your horses gave doses of love and therapy to you.

We don't have the power to change people and make them behave, and we can pass judgement, but what good does that do? Their "true judgement" day is coming, as we all know we can't live forever, and all we can do is be the best people we can while on this planet.

Hugs to you, I hope you are feeling a little better after getting this off your chest and I truly, honestly hope your friend is getting better.

 

[iluvwalkers]

i have retyped this 5 or 6 times...i guess to put it simply, some people come into ourlives to stay and others just long enough to teach us lessons. i think you need to look at each person individually and then decide who to close to door on. i work with 2 females, something very hurtful happened awhile ago, one came to me and we talked told each other about how we felt, got out what needed to be said and we have been able to move on. the other person pretends nothing happened, like she did nothing wrong, somedays i would love to slap her and say "HELLO" do you know what you did, how it made me feel? do you even CARE! i truely think some just don't care and would do it all again if given the chance, so for some they are not capable of learning from what they've done. we choose what we do and how we treat others, mistakes are made and made by all of us but there also is the option to try and make it right. some choose to just place the blame on others and i don't think those people are worth anyones time or worry

...so sorry that you are having to go through this, Nikki

 

[Marty]

no one deserves to be hated.

You are wrong;, some people deserve to be hated. And I do hate someone for destroying my family. But let me tell you something about hatred and bitterness. It's draining. It will suck the life out of you. It will chew you up and spit you out, and there is nothing to be gained by it. Don't let it take over your life and rule it because hatred is driven by evil. I used to be very religious and I know that forgiveness is the right path but there is no other way out for me, but there is for you. Take the high road Annette and don't let them get to you like this. Shug them off because they are not worth it and move past them quickly and tend to your sick friend.

 

[hhpminis]

Thanks everyone, I am a bit ashamed of posting it now. I dont often bare my soul. But it did make me feel better and just knowing some others care helps.

Hugs to you all for being the type of people I choose to have around.

Belinda, I think 402 would probably throw me over the edge right now and make me one of those sappy drunks that go around telling everyone that I love them. LOL Or God forbid, give some poor old man the shock of his life! Jennifer knows I am capable of that!

Anyway, thanks to all of you, I am feeling better.

As far as my friend being lucky, that is reverse, I am the lucky one.

Nikki, sorry, at least I dont have to see these people everyday.

Lewella, I speak that under my breath a lot too. Guess I need to apply it.

Marty, thanks, I cant compare my hurt to yours, hugs to you

 

[shadowsmystictopaz]

hatred isnt the way to go. i know its very had to forgive but th bible says to frgive our enemys even if its hard and isnt what you want to do. Please try to fogive those who break hearts because they dont mean to they dont even know that they have. I know this is gonna sound stupid but i learned about jonah last night he was a prophet who was suposed to go to a placw where people where mean to one another. instead of going there he ran the other way and got stuck in a whale.when whe was in the whale I belive angels came to him and told him about jesuses mercy and compassion. Jonas finnaly went to niiva and told the people what they needed to hear. But the sad thing was he wasnt happy because he wanted those people to have gottn in more trouble then they had. so my point here is that we need to have mercy for people who have sined or hurt us. we also need to have compassion for those who need help. So what I learnexd from this story about jonah is forgiveness compassion mercy and obey what it says in the bible. so plz join in on what i learned and put it to the test.

 

[MiniHunterHorseFan]

It may be hard to forgive, but if you pray and ask God for help, He will help you. Matthew 6:14 & 15 says "For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you: But if you forgive not men their trespasses neither will your heavenly Father forgive your trespasses." Don't make the mistake of not forgiving, it has eternal consequenses.

 

[shadowsmystictopaz]

thanks so much for the extra help i appreciate it.

 

[iluvwalkers]

[SIZE=12pt]we should remember not everyone believes in the same God, i do think forgiveness is a wonderful thing but also believe it can not be forced

, Nikki[/SIZE]

 

[Sandyboy1]

Annette, I sent you a PM. Thanks!

Pam

 

[EMB]

My word Annette but there is so much pain in your post. Your friend is truly Blessed to have someone like you in her life and must be a truly beautiful person to inspire such love and loyalty.

As for what your friend has experienced at the hands of others, let me say this. There are those around us that lack this little thing we like to call a conscience. When we allow people in to our lives we always run the risk of opening ourselves up to those who will betray us. Your friend opened herself up to others and she got you! She also was deeply hurt by others she trusted and by extension so were those that truly love and care for her. An apology from them on their way out the door might seems like a nice idea but it would be likely nothing more than hollow words that would only hurt more. Some people are the way they are and all of the ideals we hold as to what constitutes a decent human being mean nothing to them.

Now on the matter of forgiveness. Biblical teachings not withstanding, forgiveness is something we need to do for ourselves. People get stuck on forgiveness though because they think it minimizes the damage done by the wrongdoer(s). It doesn't. At the end of the day there will be a price to pay for wrongdoing. As the saying goes, what goes around comes around. Forgiveness also doesn't mean picking up where you left off in a relationship. You can forgive someone and still eradicate their presence from your life if that is what you choose to do. You can forgive someone and still allow yourself to acknowledge the depth of the betrayal. Forgiveness doesn't mean you have to sweep it all under the rug and pretend it never happened. In fact doing that will all but guarantee that healing will never happen in the heart that is broken.

Your friend has learned a very hard lesson at the worst possible time. I would hope though that through her pain (and yours too Annette) you will see fit to remind yourselves of the decent people who inhabit your lives as well. Time will take the edge off the hurt and you will be more cautious about opening yourselves up to others but don't close yourselves off. Please know I will be keeping you both in prayer as you work through these difficult times.

 

[StarRidgeAcres]

Annette,

I only "know" you from this board and from occassionally watching you show a horse here and there. But my guess is that you are one of those very hard-to-come-by people that really cares about those around you. I'm so sorry your friend is going through a tough time and on top of it has false people do deal with. But at the same time I've very happy for your friend that they have you as a solid support.

I hope all turns out well for your friend. It's so tough to see those we care about go through tough times.

 

[hhpminis]

Thank you, all of you. I am sorry, I guess I really dumped here today. Truly, I am feeling quite a bit better tonight. Stronger, able to deal with it a bit more rational.

I can forgive, it just takes time to heal. I just will choose for these people to not be a part of my life.

EMB, wow, nice words of wisdom.

Thanks again to all of you for your kind words.

If you all could maybe say a prayer for her. I know you dont know who it is, it is not my place to tell you, but He'll know who you are talking about. Thanks

 

[MountainMeadows]

Hugs Annette

,

I know where you are comming from, and I also know just how your friend feels. I think that EMB's words of wisdom are well worth memorizing, I know that I will be working on all of her suggestions in order to get past a lot of what has happened to our friends and also to myself this past year. So sad

. . .

Hugs from my end & Merry Christmas to you & yours,

Stac

 

[Buckskin gal]

I was asked to delete my post.

I have a very sick friend. It is killing me that she is sick. Waiting on tests, trying to find answers and meanwhile, each day gets harder and she gets sicker. Most of you dont know me well. I have a very small inner circle, when I choose to let someone in, it is for life and they become very special to me. This person is in that place.

More than her physical sickness is the fact that her heart has been broken by a few people she allowed in her inner circle. They may or may not have known all that was going on in her life right now. But still, how do you handle someone that you have let get close to you, and then in your greatest time of need, they let you down in a big big way.

I know that I want to hate them, I also know that is wrong, and no one deserves to be hated. However, my ties with them will more than likely be forever broken, never again to trust, value, admire, or respect them or anything they do or say.

I also know that you need to forgive, but how. It truly would be easier if they had done it to me. After all, who am I. But to do this to someone like her, one of the most truly generous, kind, understanding and accepting people I think I will ever know. So much better of a person than I will ever hope to be.

I watched the short clip that Reble posted, The Dash, I have seen it before, but it truly hit home this time. How do we spend our dash? How do you get over hurt and forgive. If my life ended tomorrow, would I want to hate them? Absolutely not, but how do you not hate someone for hurting someone you love so deeply.

Why do we as humans find joy in degrading others? Of all things I can think of to do, why that. Trust me, I am far from perfect and have done things I am not proud of. But, what good does it do you, me, or anyone, for that matter to tear someone else down, to betray their trust, to make them feel humiliated and small and valueless. Why do we do this?

I want to scream at these people, I want to tell them I hate them, I want to never have to see or hear from them again. The site of them makes me ill. I want them to feel at least half as terrible about what they have done as I do. But nothing, not a word. Not an apology, no humiliation, nothing.

Do I tell them how I feel? Do I let time heal all wounds? Do I just choose for them not to be in my life? If they were present now, I would probably slap their face. What good would that do? If I felt they could learn from this, maybe, but do people like this ever learn? Most of all, I want them to apologize to her, and then leave, get out of her life, never to return. Maybe she wont accept it from them, that is her choice, but at least say it.

Thanks for reading this. I dont know what I expect to accomplish, but somehow putting it in words makes me feel better. I just wish we all would stop and think before we speak or type. Believe me I have, it has taken me an hour to write this, it took me even longer to hit the Post button. Now I am going to go play with ponies and have them fix all my troubles. They carry great power you know.