Jerry and I, Michael and Dan were going to Chattanooga to the Haunted Corn Maize at the bottom of Lookout Mountain for a rare night out, and Dan got permission to take his little girlfriend---the new one with the very strict parents after I had to speak to both of them about three times to convince them we'd take good care of her. She's never had a date before either.
She lived in the middle of nowhere on another mountain range and the directions were not working and we became lost. No road signs anywhere of course. We left home at 6:00 pm but by 7:30 we were just really, really, really lost in no man's land and Jerry didn't have his cell phone. We found ourselves driving endlessley on dirt steep winding roads over looking gorges that would barely fit our truck with no guard rails. By that time Dan referred to himself as a "dead duck." "The father", a military man appreciated punctuality and here we were terribly late. We all had been warned about "the father." By the time we made it back to civiliation to get to a pay phone to call and explain, apologize, and grovel, etc., no one had two quarters. Did you know a pay phone was fifty cents? I didn't. So then we had to go get change furter up the road at a store. Drove back to the pay phones and they didn't work and ate the money so we had to find new pay phones that did work and get more quarters. Up the road yet again and finally found pay phones that did work.
We got new directions and tried again. We finally found the place and now we were well over two hours late and Dan was scared to go to the door and face "the father"......Well "the father" answered the door with a very nasty look on his face while we waited out in the truck and we were all really dreading it for Dan. He invited him inside the torture chamber and that is what it was like for Dan.
Dan walked in and the first thing that happened was that he accidently somehow knocked over a glass of water on an antique table and broke it. "The father" was raking him over the coals left and right about how clumsy he was and how expensive that table was and poor Dan was really freaking out apoligizing left and right and he said his legs were shaking and knees knocking together. He offered to clean it up and work to get the table repaired but the father said that it was a complete loss and could not be replaced as it was in the family for two hundred years. Dan was about ready to cry, or actually, from what I hear, he did tear up a little bit.
Well, the joke was on him! "The Father" had set him up with a trick broken glass that looked like it was broken and had water spilling out of it!!!! At that, poor Dan just held back the tears and broke down laughing his head off.
Then, "the father" gave him this:
Application for Permission to Date My Daughter
NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless
accompanied by a complete financial statement job history, lineage, and
current medical report from your doctor.
1. NAME _______________________________ DATE OF BIRTH _______________
2. HEIGHT _________________ WEIGHT __________ I.Q _______ G.P.A.______
3. SOCIAL SECURITY # _____________ DRIVERS LICENSE # ________________
4. BOY SCOUT RANK_____________________________________________________
5. HOME ADDRESS _________________ CITY/STATE ___________ ZIP _________
6. Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent?________________________
If No., EXPLAIN ________________________________________________
7. Number of years your parents have been married ____________________
8. Do you own a van? ______ A truck with oversized tires? ______
A waterbed? _______ Do you have an earring, nose ring, or belly
button ring? ________ A tattoo_________________
(If "yes" to any of #8, discontinue application and leave
premises)
9. In 50 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you?__________________
_______________________________________________________________________
10. In 50 words or lest, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you?
_______________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________
11. In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE" mean to you?
_______________________________________________________________________
12. Church you attend __________ How often do you attend ______________
13. When would be the best time to interview your father, mother and
priest/rabbi/minister? __________
14. Answer by filling in the blank: please answer freely. ALL answers
are confidential (That means I won't tell anyone-ever-I promise.)
a) If I were shot the last place on my body I would want wounded is
________
b) If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my
________________
c) A woman's place is in the ______________________________________
d) The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is
_____________
e) When I first meet a girl, the first thing I notice about her Is
(NOTE: If your answer begins with "T" or "A", discontinue. Leave
premises keeping your head low and running in a serpentine
fashion is advised.)
15. What do you want to be IF you grow up?
__________________________________
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT
TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT,
NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE,
RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.
________________________________________
Signature( That means your name, moron)
Thank you for your interest Please allow four to six years for
processing. You will be notified in writing you are approved. Please do
not try to call or write (since you probably can't and it would cause
you injury.) if your application is rejected, you will be notified by
two gentlemen weaning white ties and carrying violin cases (You might
want to watch your back)
Well poor Dan was besides himself when he found out that he had been had. Both parents were very understanding that we got lost out there and didn't hold it against us. But seeing as how we were already so late and Lookout Mountain would be another hour away, we instead took the girlfriend out to dinner at a local Italian Restaraunt. Well Dan outdid himself. The little girlfriend is a drop dead beautiful knockout and as shy as he is. We hardly heard a peep out of them all night.
So tonite, Saturday night, everyone left early and went to the Haunted Corn Maize and this time, Michael has a date too, but her parents won't be home when they pick her up thank goodness for that!
I stayed home to do some housework so they wouldn't be all squished up having to ride 4 people in the back seat of the truck. I'll go another time because I really have a lot of stuff I have to get done tonite to free me up for tomorrow's barn work.
Just had to share. I thought it was hillareous.
She lived in the middle of nowhere on another mountain range and the directions were not working and we became lost. No road signs anywhere of course. We left home at 6:00 pm but by 7:30 we were just really, really, really lost in no man's land and Jerry didn't have his cell phone. We found ourselves driving endlessley on dirt steep winding roads over looking gorges that would barely fit our truck with no guard rails. By that time Dan referred to himself as a "dead duck." "The father", a military man appreciated punctuality and here we were terribly late. We all had been warned about "the father." By the time we made it back to civiliation to get to a pay phone to call and explain, apologize, and grovel, etc., no one had two quarters. Did you know a pay phone was fifty cents? I didn't. So then we had to go get change furter up the road at a store. Drove back to the pay phones and they didn't work and ate the money so we had to find new pay phones that did work and get more quarters. Up the road yet again and finally found pay phones that did work.
We got new directions and tried again. We finally found the place and now we were well over two hours late and Dan was scared to go to the door and face "the father"......Well "the father" answered the door with a very nasty look on his face while we waited out in the truck and we were all really dreading it for Dan. He invited him inside the torture chamber and that is what it was like for Dan.
Dan walked in and the first thing that happened was that he accidently somehow knocked over a glass of water on an antique table and broke it. "The father" was raking him over the coals left and right about how clumsy he was and how expensive that table was and poor Dan was really freaking out apoligizing left and right and he said his legs were shaking and knees knocking together. He offered to clean it up and work to get the table repaired but the father said that it was a complete loss and could not be replaced as it was in the family for two hundred years. Dan was about ready to cry, or actually, from what I hear, he did tear up a little bit.
Well, the joke was on him! "The Father" had set him up with a trick broken glass that looked like it was broken and had water spilling out of it!!!! At that, poor Dan just held back the tears and broke down laughing his head off.
Then, "the father" gave him this:
Application for Permission to Date My Daughter
NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless
accompanied by a complete financial statement job history, lineage, and
current medical report from your doctor.
1. NAME _______________________________ DATE OF BIRTH _______________
2. HEIGHT _________________ WEIGHT __________ I.Q _______ G.P.A.______
3. SOCIAL SECURITY # _____________ DRIVERS LICENSE # ________________
4. BOY SCOUT RANK_____________________________________________________
5. HOME ADDRESS _________________ CITY/STATE ___________ ZIP _________
6. Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent?________________________
If No., EXPLAIN ________________________________________________
7. Number of years your parents have been married ____________________
8. Do you own a van? ______ A truck with oversized tires? ______
A waterbed? _______ Do you have an earring, nose ring, or belly
button ring? ________ A tattoo_________________
(If "yes" to any of #8, discontinue application and leave
premises)
9. In 50 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you?__________________
_______________________________________________________________________
10. In 50 words or lest, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you?
_______________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________
11. In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE" mean to you?
_______________________________________________________________________
12. Church you attend __________ How often do you attend ______________
13. When would be the best time to interview your father, mother and
priest/rabbi/minister? __________
14. Answer by filling in the blank: please answer freely. ALL answers
are confidential (That means I won't tell anyone-ever-I promise.)
a) If I were shot the last place on my body I would want wounded is
________
b) If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my
________________
c) A woman's place is in the ______________________________________
d) The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is
_____________
e) When I first meet a girl, the first thing I notice about her Is
(NOTE: If your answer begins with "T" or "A", discontinue. Leave
premises keeping your head low and running in a serpentine
fashion is advised.)
15. What do you want to be IF you grow up?
__________________________________
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT
TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT,
NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE,
RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.
________________________________________
Signature( That means your name, moron)
Thank you for your interest Please allow four to six years for
processing. You will be notified in writing you are approved. Please do
not try to call or write (since you probably can't and it would cause
you injury.) if your application is rejected, you will be notified by
two gentlemen weaning white ties and carrying violin cases (You might
want to watch your back)
Well poor Dan was besides himself when he found out that he had been had. Both parents were very understanding that we got lost out there and didn't hold it against us. But seeing as how we were already so late and Lookout Mountain would be another hour away, we instead took the girlfriend out to dinner at a local Italian Restaraunt. Well Dan outdid himself. The little girlfriend is a drop dead beautiful knockout and as shy as he is. We hardly heard a peep out of them all night.
So tonite, Saturday night, everyone left early and went to the Haunted Corn Maize and this time, Michael has a date too, but her parents won't be home when they pick her up thank goodness for that!
I stayed home to do some housework so they wouldn't be all squished up having to ride 4 people in the back seat of the truck. I'll go another time because I really have a lot of stuff I have to get done tonite to free me up for tomorrow's barn work.
Just had to share. I thought it was hillareous.
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