Am I out of line?

[Gizzmoe]

For those who have opened this post I want to say thank you and please respond. I am going to warn though that this is going to be pretty long so that I can explain things fully to where you are not getting just bits and pieces of it. I want to also thank ahead of time anybody who replies to this as well, it is very much appreciated. I am going to give background information that leads up to what my current decision is and just want to know if I am right in my thinking.

Now here is the first part of the background info. I have not had the best upraising in some senses as I come from a very broken home. When I was approximately five years old I witnessed a bad fight between my parents that ended up with my mom's jaw being broke. She had to have surgery and was in the hospital. I don't remember the hospital visits that much just a bit, but I do clearly remember the fight. Anyway, my dad ended up getting custody over me because my mom never did show up for court and also didn't/wouldn't have a stable job. For a while there my mom did have me when I was 6 years old though and honestly that wasn’t a good experience for me as she wasn't independent and was relying on the support of a boyfriend whom I did not feel comfortable around. The main plus of it was that we were near my grandmother’s house so I did get to see her a good bit which I loved.

Once my dad got me back into his possession I was a lot more happy. He was very one on one with me and supported me greatly. I went to a good school, had good friends and even was treated more as an adult and trusted then I ever was with my mom. I have always had a very good relationship with my dad and have many fond memories of being with him but not really any of my mom. Sad but true. When I was with my dad he made sure that I was happy, knew I was loved and did everything he could for me. From a young age I did have many responsibilities but was trusted and actually listened to. Any time that I did get to see my mom from about the of seven to eight, I had to travel long distances to see her. Yet again she generally wasn't working and was relying on boyfriends to support her. When I went up there it was with her and her boyfriend #1, whom I actually did like as he was very respectful and nice to me. Not a fatherly or loving nice but he was still very respectful to me and everything. At the time my mom was in school for nursing, not sure if it was LPN or RN but either way this guy was being nice and paying for it. Needless to say she wasn't every applying herself to doing her stuff and was flunking out which upset him. Even though I was young at the time I understood where he was coming from. Especially since all she did most of the day was lay around or go next door to the neighbors. During the time that I was there she started seeing the neighbor next door while still with this one guy and I didn't feel comfortable around him. Needless to say she ended up breaking up with boyfriend #1 and going to boyfriend #2 before I was to go back to Florida. He bought a house on five acres and we moved there before I was taken home. I was taken home and ended up going back to Alabama later on. She was still with boyfriend #2, whom I forgot to mention was a drinker. He didn't drink while driving etc but I was still uncomfortable around him. When he came to pick me up from Florida he bought me a bike, which I was thankful for as at the time I didn't have a nice one. Anyway, here I am in Alabama with them. They ended up starting fighting etc, and it got to the point where he would not take me home. Wanted to pay for a bus ticket to send me home. Mom would not stand for that and they fought for hours. Finally she gave up, called my dad to come get us and we had to wait outside in the cold for several hours until my dad arrived

Now I have both mom and dad living together and working on things. Things were okay between them as they did not fight anymore and had resolved some issues. At first I was happy with that. My mom and dad were both in my life again and they were not fighting. She was actually working and doing things around the house etc like she was suppose to. Then though things started to change. Normally she was pretty nice to me and what not because she hadn’t seen me on a regular basis and everything. Once she started living with me though things started to change. She was more aggressive/rough acting towards me. I use to get in trouble for stuff I didn’t even do. Not the go to your room, restriction kind of trouble but the 3 inch wide mans leather belt to bare back/butt kind of trouble. I never did hold it against her as I still loved her of course. Anyways my dad and mom ended up splitting up again around the time that I was twelve I believe it was. But by this time my dad had started drinking and was drunk 100% of the time. Still my mom left me with him and didn’t do anything to help. She was too busy with her boyfriends and everything. I ended up learning to drive around that time as I was scared for my dad and didn’t know what to do to keep him and me both safe. Thankfully though one day he ended up getting charged with DUI, and the scary thing was he was at home, on a parked bulldozer. He got the charge dropped down to reckless driving and had to go to a In house treatment program to sober up. He continued to get help outside of that and stayed sober for a while. Though he did break his sobriety a couple of times he did get help and stopped again. He has been sober for a while now and is doing good.

When I was around the age of sixteen I was having breathing problems real bad, worse then I ever had and the doctors I kept seeing couldn’t figure out what it was and never sent me to a specialist. I decided though to go stay with my mom who at the time was living in South Carolina and was remarried so that I could see the doctor who had seen me as a infant/child and see if I could get some help. I had previously seen him a couple of years prior due to a bad case of bronchitis that wasn’t getting better and doctors whom I had seen couldn’t give me anything that seemed to help. Oh by the way my uncle/grandma on my dad’s side live in S.C and they were the ones I was visiting at the time of that. Anyways, when I went and stayed with my mom I saw Dr. Wilson again and he said with my family history of asthma and prior bronchitis episode he would send me to a pulmonary doctor to determine what was going on. I saw a very nice pulmonary doctor who knew what he was talking about. He did an initial exam on me and didn’t hear any wheezing but he said my lungs did not seem to not be getting enough air intake. So he had me do a pulmonary function test. It determined that I was not getting enough air into my lungs to cause wheezing. What was happening is that with the constriction of my lungs I was not letting out all of the air that I was taking in. He asked me what my main triggers for having problems and I said exercise and I really can’t breathe good when around someone smoking. He told my mom that she needed to stop smoking around me or I would not get better because it was a bad allergen for me. She stopped for a couple of weeks, basically till I got better, then she started to smoke in the house again and I started having problems. So I called my uncle and asked him if I could stay there for a while till I was to go home. He said not a problem so I moved there. Mind you he too is a smoker but he doesn’t smoke much at all and always makes sure that I am not around or if I am if it is okay he smokes inside, if not he goes outside.

Whenever I went back home to Florida I was doing a lot better and actually was able to get off of the steroids they were given me and just resort to an inhaler as needed. I was not doing good in school at this point and was having a lot of personal issues I could not resolve. I was later diagnosed as being bi-polar and have went through several In house treatment programs as well as outpatient services trying to get myself together. The year 2004 was a major turning point for me as I nearly killed myself and had a major wake up call. That year I was in over four treatment programs to work on improving myself and getting me back together. I had dropped out of high school at seventeen so one of the first things I did was take the test to get my GED. I pasted with a high score I think the max score is 4000 and I scored 3600 I believe it was. Made me proud especially since I didn’t study. J I have not had any issues since April of last year and have been doing great. They took me off of my meds though but with the help of James and everything I have been doing great. I know what to look for as far as signs of problems and know to seek help and not do something stupid. I have realized what I have done and have changed my attitude and it has helped out tremendously. Before I was pregnant I was in college, on my second term, I had to quit temporarily due to beginning pregnancy problems and have not gone back yet. My first term I had received high A’s in the three classes I took and was doing good in the second term up until I left. I am going to be going back in April though, will take a couple of the elective classes online so that I can continue to work on getting my associates degree in Medical Assisting.

Okay now here is my thing. My experience with my mom growing up has not been really great. She has done numerous things that are disrespectful to me and my well being. I have approached her as an adult with a sane mind and attitude about some of the things I went through growing up. In particular the fact that she hit me with a belt for stuff I didn’t do and ended up bruising me pretty bad for nothing. She denied that and told me that she never hit me that hard and that if she did it there must have been a reason behind it. That was a big turn off to me and killed what little respect for her I had. Mind you I try to be nice to her and not be rude but I avoid her at all cost for the most part. Due to her smoking around me and not caring and the fact that the only time she takes the time to talk to me or anything is if something is wrong with me or if she wants something. Generally just petty stupid stuff. It really aggravates me that she can not be respectful enough to not smoke around me and show me she cares. Any time I have seen her watching kids etc she has been very rough/aggressive with them when they get into stuff because she wasn’t watching them. She threatened to beat a three year olds butt because he messed up something because she was toying around online and playing games instead of watching him. I just do not like the way that she handles children and the fact that she cannot respect the fact that I have trouble breathing whenever she smokes around me. Therefore I do not want her to be alone with my child when she is born. I know I am going to have problems with that among other things. I have done told her that I wish for only me, my dad if he wants, and of course James to be in the delivery room whenever Katrina is born. She started whining and complaining that this is her grandchild, I am her daughter, she has every right to be there etc. When I told her I didn’t have a problem with her being at the hospital just not in the delivery room she started acting childish. I did not want to deal with it because I don’t need to stress over stupid stuff so I told her oh well, it is my child, my choice. She quit saying anything about it and I pretty much got off the phone with her pretty quick. I warned my dad that she may come complain to him, and his words to me oh well. Needless to say she did and he told her the same thing I did. I have not heard anything about it since. On the off note though I know she is going to have a problem with me not wanting her to be alone with Katrina and I am not sure how to deal with. Another thing is after she is born I do not want anyone besides me, James and the doctors handling her for the first few weeks until she gets her immunity built up and is stronger. I know that’s going to cause problems as well. I want the best for my child and I am going to make sure she gets it. I don’t want her raised or to be exposed to a smokey environment as I want her to have a good set of lungs. That’s one of the reasons I do not want her to be around my mom alone. I know my wishes would not be respected. That and I know how rough my mom can be with kids and I don’t like that. I feel mean in a way because of the way I feel but I also feel that I am in the right too. I don’t want her to grow up in a life anywhere similar to the one I had. I want the best for her and I am willing to do what I can to provide that for her. Am I out of line for that? Or overly protective? If not does anyone have any suggestions on how I can deal with the future problems so that I can prepare myself a bit for them. Just a warning though my mom does act pretty childish when she doesn’t get her way and throws temper tantrums of sorts. She gets into the whatever mood and gets snotty. Therefore whenever I deal with everything I need to make sure it is away from Katrina. Enough of me rambling now I guess that’s enough to get my point/view across. If anyone has any questions no matter how personal they may seem feel free to PM me, post on here I wont mind or you can email me at [email protected]

 

[minimama]

This will sound rather cold of me to say but, just because she is your mother does not mean you have to like her. You may love her because she is your mother, but you may not like her at all. That is ok. Unless she has a positive place in your life, there really is no reason to have her in youf life. You have that beautiful little one to think about and no matter, what, if your mother is in your life in any way, she will influence your daughters childhood too.

If you want her in your life, then you have to have a backbone. And I mean a big strong backbone. You have to stand by what you want for your child. Lay down the law and don't budge on it for any reason. You want her to repsect you, you go and earn it, make her respect you. If you say no smoking in your house, then if she lights up, extinguish her cigarette for her since she cannot seem to do it for herself. Don't worry about what others think about you or if you will cause confilict, you think about what you want for that little girl and stick to it!

Now, just so you know, I went through this when I first got married and had a baby. I have been there. I now go through it with my in laws on a constant basis so, I do knwo what you are going through. You feel free to pm or email me if you want to talk about anything. I have certainly been there. My backbone is made of solid steel now!!!! But, my mother repsects me and knows if I say something I mean it. My in laws on the other hand want my husband to leave me and the kids because they want to make the rules for our household and I told them no way!

I hope this has been of some help to you. Your mother choose to have you and raise you, you didn't choose to make her your mother. She owes you, you don't owe her.

 

[Buckskin gal]

I can only give you praise for wanting the best for your child. I think your mother needs to make some good choices if she wants to be around you and your baby. If she can't get control of her bad habits I would not allow her around the baby. Sounds like you have had a lot to deal with in you life and want to make it a whole lot better for your child. You know what is righ, just be strong and carry through with it. And don't feel guilty about wanting to be a good mom. I wish you the best of luck and happiness. Mary

 

[Chamomile]

I agree with Mary and minimama! I too have a hard time with my in-laws because I have certain rules that I expect them to follow when my kids are invloved. One of those is I don't allow my kids to drink pop. My mother-in-law used to let them drink from her Diet Pepsi can right in front of me, daring me to say something. Then they didn't understand why we told them that they couldn't watch our boys without us around. It caused quite a rift, they didn't speak with us for about 6 months, during which time, my Mother-in-law went around town telling people all kinds of things that were not true about me and my relationship with Craig, my husband. It was horrible and things aren't much better now. She really hates me and that makes it hard during family things. I say do what you have to, to keep your baby healthy, happy and sane! She is your baby. You get to be the mother now, you get to set the stage for her childhood. You are the one making her memories and you want them to be happy ones! I applaud you for standing up to your mom and say keep it up!! She'll either get it or she won't.

 

[capall beag]

I think it is brave of you to write what you have and obviously you want to do the right thing as you are asking for advice.

No matter how blunt it sounds both of your parents failed you miserably according to what you have written. They were both very irresponsible and selfish. As a parent, we choose to bring our children into this world and it is our obligation in making this choice to care, nurture, protect and love them unconditionally.

IMO the day I became a mother my wants and needs as a person became second to my duty as a mother to my children.

Your parents made lots of bad choices, according to your description, and they have to live with those. Whether intentional or not we are responsible for our choices.

As a child you had no choice over what your parents decisions were or how they chose to live their lives or who they chose to live it with.

Now that you are soon to take on this wonderful, sometimes overwhelming, responsibility you make the choices and putting your newborns interests ahead of those of anyone else is what you should do.

Some new Mom's are fussier than others and it is their right to be so, if you do not want others holding your baby for fear of germs in the first few weeks then that is YOUR choice. Your Mother made her choices and now you are grown and making yours.

As for who should be in the room when you deliver, obviously this is an important decision and one only you should make.

I only wanted my mother in the room

Hubby was actually relieved, he didn't want to see it! My mother was in the delivery room for all three

Giving birth to you firstborn is such an amazing experience and it can never be repeated...Do what feels right for you and for baby Katrina

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I do think your daughter will benefit from knowing her extended family it is part of who we are and IMO helps complete the puzzle

:

 

[shane]

i thinks its time to break the circle,you obviously want to be a better parent than your own were to you,ive been through heck and back ten times with my father as a kid,he was a drunken bully,he used to turn his key in the door after drinking all night and we would run as fast as we could to bed,then my mum used to have to let on she was asleep,and he used to throw things all over the place and call my mum names,and smash up the house, my mum never drank or left the house only to work, we never seen our father we just heard him, thank god my mum had the courage to walk away,we left in the middle of the night to a house with no electric or water,my mum used to have to go to the chip shop and ask for a flask of hot water for us to wash, and he sat in his kingdom and got smashed not a penny of rent did he have to pay,our house had just been finished with payments, and my poor mum had to start again, i tried to give him another chance, until i had my two children, my son lived for two years in intensive care, my so called father didnt come near me,even after the funeral, he didnt come, i then had my daughter,he didnt come, the same thing all over again, she lived for two years in intensive care,he didnt come after the funeral, he didnt come,i sat in that hostpital ward for four solid years, with just me and my husband and mother, times like that you know who your friends and family are, until one day he took a heart attack, and who did they call? me, i went as i thought id never see him again, i told him my good news,i was pregnant,the nurse turned and said congratulations, my father said yeh,she had two kids that died in this hospital, WHAT DID YOU CALL THEM LYNDA?????? ive never spoke to him again, and i scribbled out my number, i wont go the next time, :no: you only think you need people,when you have a healthy child,its so precious,dont let anything or anybody no matter who they are ,dictate your daughters health,or take control,because they once did, good luck to you,you sound strong, just get stronger,it will pay dividends

: feel free to pm me anytime

 

[shane]

SORRY DOUBLE POST

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[wade3504]

I think you are on the right track. I do not have children but I have been a preschool teacher and I would always stand up for the health and safety of the children, even if it meant turning a parent in for possible child abuse which I had to do once. I have not had a childhood like yours, but my husband has and to this day both his parents can make him feel bad and talk him into doing things that he knows aren't right of them to ask, but he does it because they are his parents. I wish he could be strong like you are and stand up to them like I hope you do.

Amanda

 

[Lauralee]

To answer your question, you are NOT out of line in the least.

You don't even have to tell the story of "why", for me to give that answer.

It doesn't matter what your mom did in the past, its still YOUR LIFE, YOUR BABY, and YOUR DECISION.

If she loves you at all, she'll respect that.

If she just wants to raise a ruckus over not being in the delivery room, she's just thinking about herself and her wants, not yours.

Hang in there hon. You've already been to hades and back....now your whole life is ahead of you and you can make it turn out exactly as you wish.

 

[CMR]

I think you are completely right in what you want. Just because she gave birth to you does not mean you have any obligations to love or respect her. Yes, if she was a good mother that gave you everything and tried to make your childhood as uneventful as possible you would, but she sounds as though she was a horrible mother. If someone put me through that I would refuse to be around them. She sounds as though she never "grew up" and is still very much a child. I cannot stand people who are "stupid" and I would never stick around any adults that still threw temper tantrums. With the beating of children, it sounds as though she is taking out the "stress"(don't see what she would have to stress over) of her life on them because she doesn't have the sense to find a better way to relieve it. I know I am coming off as very harsh, but I have been around experiences such as yours, and the emotional affect it has on those that surround the person in the middle is horrible. In my opinion those people are greedy, selfish, and just plain idiots. Honestly, I think if any social worker had heard of what you were going through when you were a child, they would have taken you away and put you in a foster home(around the times when your dad was drinking). You have went through enough already due to your mother, don't let her do this to "her" grandchild.

 

[hairicane]

U go girl!!!!!! Sounds like u have a good plan for your daughter, stick to it.

 

[Horsefeathers]

You and I must be related...lol... My mother is the same way... My little boy is 2 1/2 now, and I will not leave him alone with her, nor will I let her take him anywhere. He is not allowed to spend the night at her house. I love my mother, but she is also very childish... I can I identify with a mother that throws temper tantrums. All that said... it's hard. My mother likes to pick fights and start trouble over Tyler. I have come to accept that is going to be par for the course. Neither of my parents raised me... I was raised by my grandmother because my mom was too involved in her drugs and alcohol to take time to raise her child. She is still currently addicted to prescription drugs and alcohol, though she swears she has changed.

Stand firmly to what you believe in. You are going to be sorely tested through this. You will, though you don't think so now, re-think everything... don't give in... do not doubt yourself. Not even for a second. You sound like me in the fact that you've had enough... It all has to stop somewhere, and you decided it stops with you. Be strong... I love my mother... but sometimes I don't like her very much... If you need someone to talk to, or things get hairy... (things still get hairy even now... matter of fact, I was ready to pull my hair out yesterday with her....long story)...or just need someone to vent to... just drop me a line...

Chris

 

[Marty]

You're pregnant and you absoulutely do not need this kind of stress.

You have every right to notify the hospital that she is not allowed in the delivery room and she also will not be allowed to smoke in the hospital either.

After you deliver Katerina, I'd have James pack you all up and move you all out of the area and probaby leave the state and start a new fresh beginning. You are going to be a fabulous mommy.

 

[nootka]

Not going to read the replies b/c I don't have time right now, but after quickly reading what you typed out, you and I could have been sisters.

My mother really worked us kids over in the neglect dept. and yeah, I think she was doing "the best she knew how" but it was never enough and it was terribly emotionally damaging to be told that our father was causing her all these problems by not paying child support, etc., when I had SEEN the child support check with my own eyes and yet we were never allowed to have new things unless my dad bought them for us, etc. but I digress.

I listened to my mother and she used us kids against my dad, I went to live with her. I regret it for all the physical and emotional damage I opened myself up to, but I was 8 years old and I guess I didn't know any better (still was old enough to be left alone w/my toddler sister, though!). I had to leave, though, when I was 13, as my "stepdads" and various other men attentions got to be too hard to fight off (I was a chubby little geeky kid w/glasses, too, so I don't know what they saw in me, but it was terrible for me that my mom would not believe me). I felt awful leaving my sister there (she had a different father my dad could not get her, too), but I was dying every day I was there.

When I was 18, though, I went right back to visit her, I listened to her again. She really pulled out all the stops, and eventually I had to cut myself off from her when my sister finally made it out of the house. I never left my children with her, and I limited the time they were even around her, but I guess it will suffice to say I finally got relief when my mom died from Hepatitis she got when she started doing IV drugs as a 49-year old woman. She was dead at 51. Such a waste and yet I was glad she was gone...all the emotional damage she was doing is not over, and her legacy lives on in my little sister (oh man don't ask).

You have to stop the poison right now and keep your child safe. Your mother can't help her carelessness, but you can help yours. You are an adult now and you have the final say. If your mother gets angry about it, you will have to be strong enough to handle it. This is the gift you give to your own child, to shelter them from what you already know as bad, and to make things better for them.

May seem like a huge responsibility and it is, but it's part of what you've started to do in healing.

You might want to look into some type of family counseling to help mediate, but it sounds like your mom probably wouldn't go.

Either way, stick to your guns, you will hate yourself if you don't do the right thing by your child (once they are born, you will know you are doing the right thing and that will be reward enough, even if everyone else gets on you about it). Cigarette smoke is terrible for young babies and certainly the irresponsible behavior and violence are things to avoid.

If you want to pm, or talk on the phone, go ahead and either email or I am on msn, yahoo and icq. Just sounds like there's a lot in common in our childhoods and the mother dept.

Best wishes for strength for you...though I know you have to be strong already having lived what you have.

Liz M.

 

[Ashley]

Well my first thought was after reading the first few paraghraphes is, if she were my mother she would be long gone with no chance of getting back in my life.

 

[nootka]

"Well my first thought was after reading the first few paraghraphes is, if she were my mother she would be long gone with no chance of getting back in my life."

My thoughts as well, but I thought it might be because that is what I did, eventually, with my mother.

I had to.

She was coming to my house and demanding drug money and when I did let her in once, we had a physical altercation and I had to throw her out at which point she went to the ER and tried to say I attacked her, etc., she stole a bunch of things on her way out and threw things, breaking them all over the place. I knew I had to cut her off for the safety and sanity of my family as well as my own. Even when she was dying, I did not go to her, and I know a lot of people can't understand that, but I can't understand a mother that would cut their child down every chance they got, and gloat gleefully when things got bad (she once tried to tell a roomful of people, in front of both of us, that she and my husband had run away to a local fishing town and had a "fling" even though he denied it, she still planted that seed in the roomful of people (I don't believe her, and I did believe him, but it was an illustration of how she would blatantly lie to get attention and cause other people to disrespect me and my family).

Anyway, you are perfectly within your rights to want things YOUR way and to gain control of your child's life and minimize the harm and damage. Your mother doesn't have good intentions or judgment and you have to protect yourself as well as your child. It is as simple as that, I only wish the interactions were going to be that simple for you.

Again, I'm here if you want to talk,

Liz M.

 

[mrgizzmoe]

this is james. the boyfriend. just wanted to say .i agree!!!

 

[nootka]

Hi, James, glad you are supportive and it's hard to be part of such a dysfunctional family and try to make a normal and quiet, safe life for everyone. You are likely going to have to run interference from time to time, but that little one you have coming will definitely bring out the best in you and you know you will do what's necessary to keep them safe and feeling secure.

Encourage your girlfriend to seek some counseling to help deal with her confusion about dealing with her family/mother if you think she could use it. It's such a convoluted thing to have to deal with "childish" parents, I know that really bothered me at first.

Best wishes,

Liz

 

[Laura]

Biology does not give her ANY right to your child or any sort of a say in how YOU raise your child. I think you are right to not trust her. The baby's birth is YOUR birth also and you should be as relaxed, happy and secure as possible. It sounds like your Mom would cause a scene just because she could. Honestly, I wouldn't even want her at the hospital!

Many people saw me as overprotective and sheltering of Mia, because I woudn't just leave her with anyone with a heartbeat. Wow, I have a happy, secure, confident and smart as a WHIP 4 year old. Katrina is your and James' child, not anyone else's. Go with your gut and do what you need to do to feel good about who has a role in your child's life. Don't EVER feel guilty about protecting your child from people or situations you KNOW are harmful or unhealthy.

As I said several times to a good friend, "tell them once, in detail WHY you made your decision. Every time they bring it up after that, tell them "you know my reasons, I'm not discussing it again". Then leave, walk away, hang up or do whatever you have to do to let them know your choice is made. You don't have to go through the same things over and over if you just don't allow it. They WILL get the idea eventually.

 

[sedeh]

You've gotten lots of good advice and I agree that you should stick to your guns and raise your child as you planned. Sounds like your boyfriend is very supportive. Your mom may get miffed but that's her problem, not yours. Good luck!!!