Your thoughts on Boys & Girls and JR High dating

[minisaremighty]

when their 6th Grade daughter (age 11) comes home with a rose that a 12 year old boy (6th also) gave her. He has a crush on her and wants to go out on a supervised "lunch". She is very flattered, but really doesn't feel the same about him (and is just barely getting to the point of thinking that some boys might not be so bad afterall :bgrin ) My daughter is in a small school (less than 200 kids), k-8. Only about 30 kids in her community in 6th-8th, another 40 in the other community 6th-8th.

I know what WE did, but just curious as to what other parents would do, have done. Also, would love to hear from some young people on their take on the situation.

Also, any thoughts on co-ed group outtings? Like to the movies, to school dances, etc?

I will let you know later how WE chose to handle it.

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[minimama]

My daughters would have known that they should accept teh lovely gift and say thank you. But, let the young man know that dating of any kind is not allowed in our home until the age of 16. Even then, it is a privilege that is earned. Grades must be kept up, responsibilities must be kept up. My daughter must not be in any trouble with me or at school. So, if they want to date they have to work at that privilege. That said, i have three teenage daughters and so far this has worked wonderfully. I am praying daily it continues! LOL

 

[minisaremighty]

My daughters would have known that they should accept teh lovely gift and say thank you. But, let the young man know that dating of any kind is not allowed in our home until the age of 16. Even then, it is a privilege that is earned. Grades must be kept up, responsibilities must be kept up. My daughter must not be in any trouble with me or at school. So, if they want to date they have to work at that privilege. That said, i have three teenage daughters and so far this has worked wonderfully. I am praying daily it continues! LOL

:aktion033: I'm curious, do your girls go out in co-ed groups to movies and the such? Supervised or not? I think I'll go back and add that question to my original post

 

[RENMACMINIS]

The Rule when I was growing up... was I had to be 16 to date and that my parents must meet the boy before we went out. I also had a very strict curfew of 11pm and if I was late boy was I in deep trouble. When I turned 18 and started dating my now husband my curfew was 1am unless we were doing something special like going to a concert, or to the dirt track car races that always ran late. I had a cell phone and made sure they knew if we were going to be later than 1am. That is also the rules that my 2 daughters ages 8 and 3 will live by also.

to add to your added question... I was allowed to go to the movies with a group (co-ed) of kids from school. without parental supervision. Of course most of those kids I had been going to school with since kindergarten and my parents knew their parents etc. so it wasnt a problem.

 

[Jess P]

When I was in JR. High I had 5 "boyfriends" One lasted a year (this was in 5th grade :lol, and the rest about a month or two. It wasn't wrong, everyone was doing it. I didn't get my first kiss until 8th grade, however. So I don't think there is quite a problem with it. I would have loved to get a rose in 6th grade! HOW SWEET!

With the way things are going right now, I know there is no way in stopping it. Kids are maturing much younger than they used to. I hear elementary schoolers swear and I saw an 11 year old with a cigarrette at the fair.

 

[runamuk]

Well todays answer is kids should not be allowed to socialize period...until they move out :new_shocked:

My rule is no dating until possibly 16 and that is if you earn it......my 14 yr old blows me off and is currently in deep doodoo (actually he is lucky I haven't just off'd him).......however this is a kid who has some major issues with defying all authority.........now my younger son he is 9 has always had a girlfriend or 3 :bgrin :bgrin same rules apply and he has it memorized.....group outings anymore I want to meet every child in the group and I am quite likely to go spy on them.......I no longer trust teens period.........and much of this recent trouble has come about because of a so called "girlfriend"...so at the moment I think dating should be reserved until they are at least 25

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[minimama]

Yes, there is a way to stop it. It's called Parenting!

My daughters were allowed to go to activites with friends, but not if there were to be boyfriends around. And I usually supervised or knew the parent that was supervising. I jmust meet any boy one of my daughters dates and he must show an interest in getting to know us as a family as well. I feel that if a boy knows a girls family they are much less likely to disrespect her or hurt her in anyway.

And their curfew is 11 unless they break it and then it starts to go backwayrd. After they are done being grounded that is.

I have yet to meet a child in Jr. high that I feel is mature enough to handle the boyfriend/girlfriend situation. Many who thought they were, but none that have actually been.

 

[minisaremighty]

This has been very interesting. I'm wondering now if you all would define for me:



Dating

Boy/girl friend

Dating...is that only a boy and a girl on a date alone, no chaperones, no friends?, holding hands at school?? or????

boyfriend/girlfriend.....is that holding hands in school???, dating???, exactly what is that??

 

[SammyL]

Hello,

I am a 16 year old freshmen in high school. I just thought I would give you my opinion.

When I was 11 or 12, I did not do co-ed things. I went to school dances, but I never have gotten asked to dance. Only at the last dance we had, as a freshmen, did I get asked to dance. In fact, when I was 11 or 12, I did not have any guy friends, let alone boyfriends! Lol!

Now as a 16 year old, I have lots of guy friends, and I do co-ed things, go to dances, and a couple of times my friend Aarron took me and my friend Carly to Taco John's for lunch! He paid even! Now there is a gentlemen! :bgrin As a 16 year old, my parents have yet to allow me to date...But it is no big deal. I have a lot of guy friends, whom are the best friends ever, and a couple of guys I'd love to go out with, but I'll wait until my parents say the word.

When I was younger, I watched everyone 'go out' with that person, and things like that. I did not agree with it. I still don't. I believe that we should wait until we are older. But that is just me.

:

By the way, it was sweet, that the young man gave your daughter a flower! But if she does not feel the same way about him, maybe have her tell him that she appreciates the thought but she doesn't like him...something like that! Man I wish I had an secret admirer when I was in 6th grade! I don't even have one now! LOL! :lol:

But I love how things are going in the guy department right now, and I wouldn't have it any other way...

: I just have lots of guy friends! But I love those guys! And I am free and single! Its all good....

 

[Marty]

Safety in numbers. I like that.

My boys cracked me up at that young age in jr. high school.

Dan hated girls but the oldest one, well, he's quite the Casanova from day 1. Seems all the kids at a very young age would say who they were "going out with"

I'd be like "HUH?" How yalls going out? You don't drive, have no car, etc. You don't go anywhere except on the blasted phone 24-7. They just seem to all use that phrase "going out with".......even though nobody gets anyplace. They just think they are dating.

Recently, my youngest (16) had his first real girlfriend that was not allowed to even date due to her young age of 14, but they made an exception because they liked my son. So they let them date and go in groups. The relationship ended up disasterous. I really wish now that they had just told her no and stuck to their rules.

As it stands now, Dan never wants to fall in love again. That's a good thing for at the moment. He prefers now to just go out with a pile of guys and flirt with the girls at the mall or in town.

The other one (18) falls in love every week. What's a mother to do?

Neither of them are driving now and both cars are not running and I love it. A bunch of kids both girls and boys will show up here and they just sit around and watch videos (with the door open) and mess around in the garage with the race cars and that's pretty much it. If they want to go out, I have to know where they are going and who they are going with and they have got to be able to prove it cause I trust them about as far as I can throw them. Their curfew on weekends is 12:00 midnite. They screw up, and boomy, no more outty for a long timey.

 

[Triggy&Blue&Daisy Too]

Suspended animation until they are 30, then defrost at room temps until 40. :bgrin:

 

[Lisa-Ruff N Tuff Minis]

Well for those that think no dating till there kid is 16 or whatever is stopping them from having sex or other emotional aspects of it.. it isnt that easy.

That said there is no pat answer for me I can tell you my girls will have different "guide lines" as they are both very different children. My 16 yr old can date, can go out in groups or with a boy alone. I do have to meet them and for more then a quick hello.

I trust her to make good decisions and accept that some things she has to learn on her own by going thru them.

However in this case if someone asked her for a supervised lunch type of thing I would have told her to accept the rose and thank him and explain she is going to go as a friend and go- the guts it takes for a boy to work up to ask a girl anything and to do so in a nice respectful way is pretty nice.

I always tell her what might not be the boy of your dreams at the moment might end up being the friend of a lifetime.

 

[minisaremighty]

However in this case if someone asked her for a supervised lunch type of thing I would have told her to accept the rose and thank him and explain she is going to go as a friend and go- the guts it takes for a boy to work up to ask a girl anything and to do so in a nice respectful way is pretty nice.

I always tell her what might not be the boy of your dreams at the moment might end up being the friend of a lifetime.

: This is what we pretty much said. The boy is a very nice boy (I know his mom & his little sister went through a very rare brain cancer a couple of years ago) and she doesn't want to hurt his feelings. I know it took a lot of nerve for him to give her the flower and make his feelings known. So we told her they could go bowling in a group of friends as long as she made it clear that she is only going as a friend and that she isn't allowed to date until she is 35 (ok, 16 is the unofficial date, but we hold the right to change that date as it gets nearer :bgrin ).

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[runamuk]

This has been very interesting. I'm wondering now if you all would define for me:



Dating

Boy/girl friend

Dating...is that only a boy and a girl on a date alone, no chaperones, no friends?, holding hands at school?? or????

boyfriend/girlfriend.....is that holding hands in school???, dating???, exactly what is that??

Dating to my mind.....I admit I have done very little of it ever

: is boy and girl or maybe two boy/girl couples going to say dinner or a movie unsupervised...ie mom drops off and picks up but doesn't sit in the row behind them watching every move they make..........and this is something that must be earned.......and really should wait until highschool......preferably college :bgrin

I don't really consider fully parent supervised outings to be dates ......

boyfriend/girlfriend I think depends on the age :bgrin elementary definition is often friends or the one the other thinks is cute

: .....jr. high definition becomes more the holding hands type thing (yes I know some even more than that)........high school is when I think the going steady more serious type definition applies........I am not real good at this I had lots of guy friends and only one "boyfriend" by the time I was 17 and it lasted maybe 6 months.......broke my heart and went back to just friends with guys......didn't date much at all until I met the guy I am still with 16-17 yrs later

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[FairytailGlennMinis]

I work in a private High School and can tell ya--most parents don't know jack-diddley about what their kids are REALLY doing. Oral "stuff" is more common at even 13-14 years old than kissing. I mean really--you would be shocked! It is more casual and seen as less intimate than kissing! They talk about how in the public schools they were about le "hook up" in bathrooms, behind trees in walkways, etc. Most kids have done far more by the time they hit 16 than I have done at nearly 30 and 10 years of marriage to a very hot guy! Kids being allowed to date early does NOT draw the line and say that this behavior is unacceptable! Most kids in the school I work are there because the parents didn't monitor them enough and the kids got in over their heads with stuff they weren't ready for.

Take your kids to riding lessons, music or dance lessons, church groups--or whatever--just keep them busy and watch what they are getting into! I have seen pver 1000 kids go through our school now and I can tell you--most of the parents "thought" they had a handle on these kids and what they were doing...but they were wrong. Talk to your kids, let them know the implications of dating and about the seriousness of physical intimacy. Don't just tell them not to do it because that send them the other way--tell them why it is better to wait...that tends to work better. And even if they "hate" you for it-you are there to be a parent, not a buddy.

Off my soap box now...

-Amy

 

[Jesper]

hahaah Amy good post, now every little mom following this thread with girls that age will have a private eye on her at schooltime, imagine how many men reading newspapers with holes in them that you will see around the school now hehe

ooh well it was way different where I come from, we where told to use "da rubber" IF something happened, never really did but thats what we was told and it worked well

that idea of saying "they don't date until XX date just doesn't work because you can't watch them all the time, let them evolve into responsible young people and tell them WHAT precautions to take IF they plan on doing something and then also tell them that you would like to meet their partner and such first and that just doing it with each and everyone they might like, can make them look slutty and no girl want that except the slutty ones I guess

Jesper

 

[FairytailGlennMinis]

Good post Jesper, but you are missing one very important piece of this--being slutty is COOL now. Kids think it is neat and cool to "hook up" with lots of people of both sexes and "experiment"...even in middle school. A lot of parents are trying so hard not to damage their childrens' fragile self-esteem so won't give out and hold to punishments. I also hear a lot that they don't want their kids to think they are not cool, or to hate them...so they let things slide. Again, I wish people would be more concerned with being parents than with being their kid's best pal--esp. the mothers for the most part. Those folks make it that much harder for those parents that DO tow the line with their kids, btw. When exactly did parents start caring more about what their kids think of them than about what is best to help that child grow into a happy and healthy adult??

-Amy

 

[Jesper]

Good post Jesper, but you are missing one very important piece of this--being slutty is COOL now. Kids think it is neat and cool to "hook up" with lots of people of both sexes and "experiment"...even in middle school. A lot of parents are trying so hard not to damage their childrens' fragile self-esteem so won't give out and hold to punishments. I also hear a lot that they don't want their kids to think they are not cool, or to hate them...so they let things slide. Again, I wish people would be more concerned with being parents than with being their kid's best pal--esp. the mothers for the most part. Those folks make it that much harder for those parents that DO tow the line with their kids, btw. When exactly did parents start caring more about what their kids think of them than about what is best to help that child grow into a happy and healthy adult??

-Amy

hmm Amy I think you are right that parents are afraid to set limits for their kids, we see that over here too, and you see kids down to 10-11 sleeping with eachother because having sex is cool.

but slutty is not cool, and I hope it never will be over here, but how would you prevent it? Can't lock em up til they are 30, I know parents strive to sex is better at home under controlled circumstances then drunk at some party or the likes.

and from the other posts sex at school? hmm I missed something when I went to school then I guess hehe but I am also old as the pyramids now

Jesper

 

[minisaremighty]

I work in a private High School and can tell ya--most parents don't know jack-diddley about what their kids are REALLY doing. Oral "stuff" is more common at even 13-14 years old than kissing. I mean really--you would be shocked! It is more casual and seen as less intimate than kissing! They talk about how in the public schools they were about le "hook up" in bathrooms, behind trees in walkways, etc. Most kids have done far more by the time they hit 16 than I have done at nearly 30 and 10 years of marriage to a very hot guy!

:no: Unfortunately, I AM aware of this ugly stuff going on. Our school has a rule against having boyfriend/girlfriend relationships in school. No hand holding allowed at all either (with the exception of the little kids since we have k-8). Our school is very small and it's not even a possibility there (too small, no place to be where they can't be seen inside or out (heck the doors have been removed off the bathroom stalls years ago and never replaced) and too many volunteer parents milling around). HOWEVER, that said, wouldn't surprise me if SOME of the kids did this elsewhere. SO, that is why my kids don't hang out with other kids after school or on weekends. They have get togethers, but are still always supervised. My daughter has gotten over even asking me if she can go hang out downtown with her friends (6th-8th graders) or whatever (with no adult). I always say no. No adult, no hanging out. On occasion my husband will offer to go with (meaning he stays away from them and hangs out with our middle daughter, but he keeps them in sight). It just makes me sick how many parents in our town let their kids roam at such young ages with no supervision. Our population is offically 70,000 now, but it's really closer to 90,000. We're not a small town anymore and it's far from safe.

 

[FairytailGlennMinis]

Kathy, good for you! THAT is what more parents need to be doing in my opinion! Too many parents are letting kids call the shots and are afraid to tell their little darlings "no". I tell ya, learning that they can't always have things their way and learning to deal with the occasional dissapointment in life is a whole lot better for them than getting to be teens and rebelling when parents all of a sudden try to control them and then the kids get majorly screwed up.

-Amy