Why O why??

[Miniv]

Your post just about knocked me off my chair!!!!

PLEASE RE-READ JENN'S POST ON PAGE ONE. AND THEN READ MARTY'S POST.

Those two posts add up to mine.........

Sit down and let HIM talk FIRST. LISTEN. Make sure he knows that YOU ARE SCARED TOO. But dumping eachother and the baby is NOT going to solve anything.

Your hubby is not thinking clearly right now or he'd realize that splitting up would open up a huge can of worms. Obviously he's not been communicating with you, but that can change between you any time -- and NOW would be a good time.

One thing I will add to what both Jenn and Marty said..........Make sure he knows you are keeping the baby and that you will NOT walk away from your marriage without some sort of counseling. Trust me, counseling (with the right counseler/therapist) does help.........Speaking from 30 years of marriage to a very interesting man who keeps me on my toes daily -- LOL!)

Hang in there, my dear...........One way or another you WILL get through this. And if you are focussed on the fact that your CHILD is now your PRIORITY, all will be okay.

MA

 

[ClickMini]

Oh Kourtney! You must feel so alone! Having moved to this area just a few short months ago, I am sure you have not made a lot of friends yet...I suggest you contact the chaplain at the first opportunity...

I am so sorry, girl! Sending huge hugs your way. If you can get home to your parents (where do they live???) for a short period I am sure it will help you feel better. I know your folks are probably beside themselves with worry as well.

Why are men such doofuses sometimes??? For heck sake!

 

[zoey829]

I am so sorry. Do whats right for the baby. It will work out it might just take alittle longer.

 

[PrestigeMiniHorses]

Let's see as much as I wish I could have an update right now I don't.

The hubby worked late late night and didn't get off til 8 am this morning. So sadly he's sleeping. Not to mention, I would rahter him be wide awake when I do talk to him anyways. This morning he did crawl in the bed and cuddle with me. Which to me is good. I am going to be contacting the chaplian today to set up some meetings with him. My jobs are soo understanding that they are giving me some time off...Which I am hoping he will be able to spend some time with me.

I, too, believe if there is a will there's a way. I have no intentions of leaving him or getting rid of the baby. Thats just nuts. I have been talking with the FRG group over here and it turns out there has been word of a possible deployment between Feb- September of 2008. I know that's no excuse for a divorce or adoption and I truly hope that hes just scared. I know I am scared too but I have no doubts about any of this. WE planned on having a baby. And it happened just that way. But I think maybe reality is hitting him....

We were at the zoo this past weekend and he said to me I really don't want to go over there and miss all the GOOD things about the baby....I.E. taking first steps, saying its first word, etc. So maybe I am thinking he doesnt want to have to stress about us while he is over there if he's there.

Clickmini......I wish I could go and stay awhile with my mom..But she's in Colorado right now...And my dad is in the Army on duty orders to Wisconsin deploying a unit to IRAQ...And I don't think I could handle staying with my stepmom...

Marty...I would sure as heck let ya smack him...

(((HUGS)))

jd....(((HUGS))) I am really sorry to hear about your hubby...As the Bible says....."This too shall pass"

I don't know what I would do if I didn't have you all to vent to. I know the baby is my number one priority and that I have to take care of myself. I am doing just that. I am not stressing too bad but I can deal with this reasonably. I know right now I work 2 jobs, they are both part time so I don't work veyr much at all. Most of the time I only work a couple hours a day like 2-3 times a week. Just enough to get me some socialization....I don't think I could ever part with my lil ones. Thank goodness I only have my 2. I went out and saw them this morning and when they look at me I just melt like that ice cream cone on a hot summer day. I have worked so hard with them. Too let them go would be even more painful. I have had my mare for almost 6 years and she has helped me with alot of things...I.e. my parents divorce, my dad and stepmoms miscarriage and a ton of other things. And my lil boy Blue that was my Christmas presrnt last year from my husband...So he has lots of sentimental value to me. I know he loves my hubby more but oh well. But my hubby does so much with the horses. He grooms them and feeds them...heck three days ago he was jumping Millie around the course..So I know how a truly wonderful man who supports me in alot of things....

::SIGHS:: But I guess its cold feet..We shall find out...

Thanks everyone....

(((((((((BIG HUGS))))))))))

 

[PaintedPromiseRanch]

hang in there girl!! lots of good advice above so i won't repeat... just tell you, YOU ARE NOT ALONE! although it was my idea, not his, because of emotional and verbal abuse that was branching into physical, i divorced my husband while i was pregnant with my youngest... i also had a 1-year-old and a 7-year-old. no horses back then but even being a single parent with 3 kids, when my oldest who had been saving her birthday money since she was TWO came to me and said i have enough for a horse now mom... well, with a dream that strong, how could i say no? life can be very strange sometimes and i sincerely hope that it is just being scared with your husband, but even if he goes through with it, your life can be full of joy and very rewarding. no matter what he does, although it will impact your life, it is YOUR attitude that will govern the way your life goes. so best of luck to you and you will find lots of support here!

 

[MyBarakah]

Hi! I am sorry you are having to go threw such a ordeal! If he knew how much stress he is putting on you & the baby!

I don't know your or situation....but I was married to a real jerk to put it very mildlY! He drank a TON and was extremly verbally abusieve.... he was say INSAIN things that made NO sense at all! He would ALWAYS threaten divorce (I never did, becasue when I ever said it... I would MEAN it!)...... but his deal was a HUGE control thing.... he wanted me to feel like total crap and that would some how make him feel better, more of a Man! He felt in control that way!

Most the time I didn't take it person (took a few years though to learn NOT to take it personal though!)........

But I am just woundering if your hubby isn't being a bit like my X was? Maybe not.....

But what ever it is.... YOU need to know..... It's NOT you..... It's HIM~! And you need to be thinking about how YOU are going to care for that baby and even though he may be there and stay with you......You need to know you can take care of yourself and DO NOT need anyone else to relie on! You need to be prepared to do that......."just in case" he ever does go threw with his threat!

ANd the next time he wiggs out on you and says he wants a divorce or something like that...... (this is THEE hardest thing to do)........but Don't REACT to him...... I would always say.... Well...... if that will make you happy! Because I knew inside that if he really wanted a divorce...he'd be in trouble with oweing me money for settlement and stuff!

I could just go on and on! I learned SOOOOOOOO much out of that marriage...... One.... I will NEVER put me or my kids threw that or in that position again..... and #2..... Is that I can make it on my own... It is very difficult at times raising 2 boys on my own.... They always are trying me and testing thier limits.... and where I work full time and with my minis and stuff..... sometimes there just isn't enough of me left..... so it's very challenging..... But would NEVER go back to the situation I was in...... NEVER NEVER!!!!!!!!!!

I have my SELF WORTH!!!!!!!!!! Being in control of my own person is the most satisfying thing ever!!!!!! And I am SOOOOOOOO grateful for EVERY little thing I have and do!!

SO please do NOT let him drag you down!!!!!!!!!!!! You need to be strong and FIGHT for your child and yourself! He needs to be "respectful" to yoU! And to see a counsolr would help! Mine would never go... only until "AFTER" the divorce...... he say's I tried/wanted to see a consuler.....

I'm like ok.... yeah.......what ever.... no need to get into with him.... It's done over with! Will NOT go back!!! Only to MOVE forward!!!!!!!!!!! That's allllllssssssooooooo WHY i AM sooooooo GOAL ORIENTED and have SOOOOOOO much drive to succed with doing well with the minis and having GREAT mini horses! I need that FOR ME!!!!! That's WHO I AM!!!!!!!!!!!!

BEST OF LUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Chin up! WE are ALLLLLLLLL here for yOU!

:

 

[PaintedPromiseRanch]

I don't know your or situation....but I was married to a real jerk to put it very mildlY! He drank a TON and was extremly verbally abusieve.... he was say INSAIN things that made NO sense at all! He would ALWAYS threaten divorce (I never did, becasue when I ever said it... I would MEAN it!)...... but his deal was a HUGE control thing.... he wanted me to feel like total crap and that would some how make him feel better, more of a Man! He felt in control that way!


I could just go on and on! I learned SOOOOOOOO much out of that marriage...... One.... I will NEVER put me or my kids threw that or in that position again..... and #2..... Is that I can make it on my own... It is very difficult at times raising 2 boys on my own.... They always are trying me and testing thier limits.... and where I work full time and with my minis and stuff..... sometimes there just isn't enough of me left..... so it's very challenging..... But would NEVER go back to the situation I was in...... NEVER NEVER!!!!!!!!!!

I have my SELF WORTH!!!!!!!!!! Being in control of my own person is the most satisfying thing ever!!!!!! And I am SOOOOOOOO grateful for EVERY little thing I have and do!!

OMG your ex sounds like both of mine put together! and i totally agree with your lessons learned!!!

 

[PrestigeMiniHorses]

Today did go better than expected but I am still not to the root of this problem I would say... We did mention going to counseling together so that way he wouldn't I was the inferior one...Thanks for all the support guys...I really appreciate it more than words could put it...

 

[HGFarm]

Oh my gosh- that is awful! Yep, time for a BIG heart to heart talk about things.... and what does he see in the future vs. what you see. Divorce is never fun, no matter what the circumstances. I hope things do work out for the best, and what may not seem the best at the time, you will look back on differently later.

Keep your chin up, and be strong. What a horrible shock, but he needs to sit down and be honest with you NOW.

 

[whiskeyranch]

Don't want to sound negative, but here's my two cents. I've been thinking on this for a few days.

My husband and I got pregnant on purpose. when I was 8 wks. he said he didn't want me or the baby. He left. Didn't see him again until I was 81/2 months. I was young and dumb and let him back.

And oh yeah, he would cuddle with me. I got pregnant 10 months later with our 2nd while on birth control pills.

Needless to say, we divorced when my 2 where 1 1/2 and 3.

They are now 15 and 14 and we haven't heard from him in 3 yrs. He owes us over $30,000 and we are in the process of terminating his rights.

I wasted 7 years on a man who is a total loser, made me feel like one, and drug me so far down that it has taken many years and a wonderful husband of 5 yrs. to make me learn my own worth.

I'm not saying this is the case with yours, but please keep off the rose colored glasses. You and your baby deserve a wonderful life, with someone who would never say things like yours (or my ex) has.

How dare he let his insecurity ruin your happy time.

I wish you and yours the best.

:

 

[RainSong]

Not to be rude, but my goodness has this post made me thank my lucky stars. Dave never once in our time together has mentioned divorce or seperation of any sort. This truck-driving is the closest we've come, and it's SO HARD on him and I! He was so thrilled while I was pregnant!

On the other hand, it does give me insight (sort of?) into my real father's potential reasons for leaving. He left when I was only like... 3 months old and my brother was around 2 years old. I had a lot of health issues, was born preemie (2months and 1 week early), etc... I long since gave over any anger against him for leaving, but honestly, it's nice to understand a potential reason for things.

I'm sorry you're going through this. It would scare the holy living daylights out of me if Dave ever uttered the words "I want a divorce", more so now then ever because of Nathan. I pray you and your hubby can work things out, and that it's only a "glitch on the radar" so to speak, and not the mountain it could be. One of life's speed bumps?

 

[MBhorses]

:no: So sorry to hear about your husband wanting to leave. Remember you and your baby come first. I will be praying for you all. If there is a will there is a way. If for some reason your husband don't change his mind, then I have always said everything happens for a reason(we don't know what those reasons are good or bad)Your family and friends will be there for you no matter what happens.Hang in there Girl.We are pulling for you.

 

[PrestigeMiniHorses]

Thanks everyone for your thoughts and prayers....

Quick update though....Next week we are off to see the post chaplian, so that way we can talk with someone whose unbiased. I think things are going to work out though, like all has said where theres a will there's a wheel. I will keep everyone posted though. Thanks for thinking about us.

 

[SweetOpal]

Kourtney,

You are the sweetest thing ever, hang in their girl. Marriages have thier ups and downs, it is always easy to walk away, staying is the hard part. My husband told me once when we were first married that you only focus on the good years, so if you are married 7 years 3 are good and 4 are terrible, only focus on the 3 good. We are coming up to our 14th anniversary this summer and it hans't always been smooth sailing, but we have by far had more good than bad years.

Jess and I will keep you in our prayers, you will get through this.

Jennifer

 

[Valerie]

Kourtney.....

Good luck, I am so happy to hear you both are going to seek some counseling.....because I work so close to Ft. Lewis, I work with a lot of military wives, and I see the extreme amount of pressure they are all under, with their husbands in Iraq or about to be shipped off overseas, etc, etc.

I know that this forum is great for venting, but you might also want to consider a group of military wives, their must be support groups? Just a thought.....hope I am not over-stepping my boundarys.

I am sure your husband is scared, just as you are, you guys just moved across the country and are still trying to adjust I am sure and then new pregancy, the list goes on I am sure.

Remember, I am not too far away from you and I have great ears for listening........just remember to take care of yourself and your baby......you have to come first.

:

Thinking of you guys and hoping for the best!

 

[Watcheye]

My dad left my mom when I was 5 years old. We had horses. She then ended up in an abusive relationship which we ran away from... with the horses. One day while he was at work we packed up everything and moved out of state. The last man took all of her money... we kept our horses and I thank God we did. They got us through some VERY TOUGH times and helped a GREAT deal shape me into the person I am. When the going got tough mom made it work. She is an incredible woman and I love her. I am not sure as I do not know you guys but reading that post really upset me. How dare he just try to drop all of this and do what is convinient for him! I hope it works out and you get what is best for you and your baby (and your minis as well as they too are part of your family). I have found Dr. Phils books to be very good reads. By no means should you count on just them but they may have some good points for you if you get a chance. Be well and I am truely sorry. Your Lil Begginings friends are here for you.

 

[PrestigeMiniHorses]

Sorry I haven't been on this too much lately. I have been super busy working and everything. This past week was really odd. Josh made an appointment for counseling this past week but never showed up. I did but he didn't. I am not giving up but I was bummed out. We have made a huge effort in talking everything over. Its tough for him but so far its actually working. I would say. He's actually stopped yelling at me for no reason and cooked dinner this evening. Something he never really does.

Jennifer- Thank you so much for your kind words and inspiration. It truly does mean a whole lot to me. It sure would be nice to see you and the kids again.

Valerie- You have no idea...I am so exhausted it seems like. We should go out to lunch someday and finally meet. Thanks for everything. You have been a great help and form of support since we prior to us ever even getting up here to WA.

Watcheye-Thanks so much for shining some light on me. My 2 furkids are the best and I don't know what I would do without them. I think I might have to find some of those books and check them out. I love to read. But however I have to say Millie, my mare, helped me shape me into the person I am today. Otherwise I think I would have given up a long time ago. Men have their days though and so do we. I just don't believe he thought he could just drop it all either. He has a different mindset at the moment. Hopefully that will stay that way. Not sure if he's coming to the appt. yet but we find out.

 

[AppyLover2]

If he won't go to counseling there's nothing you can do about it; but that doesn't mean you shouldn't go anyway. Get help for yourself even if he won't cooperate in getting help for both of you.

 

[PaintedPromiseRanch]

Kourtney i was just thinking about you and here this thread opos back up! you have gotten some good advice here... and from experience i can tell you, please, DO get yourself counseling even if Josh won't go... my first ex refused counseling, said i was the one with the problem, if i wouldn't get mad there wouldn't be a problem. well i didn't think so but, when the second ex said the same thing, i thought ok, maybe there is something wrong with me, so i went. next thing you know he is threatening to sue the counseling center for brainwashing me because they told me my expectations were NOT unreasonable and his behavior WAS wrong...

i found out the only thing wrong with me was i was NOT good at picking men :no: so, eventually i quit! and next thing you know a good man found me...

anyway a military wives group would be good too, learned that also from my mom AND myself, it doesn't change your situation but somehow it makes it easier to know you are not the only one going through it... and human nature being what it is, it is an eye-opener for us to meet people who actually have it worse, helps to put things into perspective!!!

God bless you Kourtney and hang in there, you always have us on the forum and you know you can cry on those little fuzzy shoulders (minis) - i do it all the time, they are my sanity...

 

[PrestigeMiniHorses]

Thanks so much Donna and Susan for thinking of me. I have enrolled in a intense therapy that my stepmother goes through so I am hoping that will work. I plan to continue trying though. Hope is not lost yet but I will say it is fading. Keep thinking about me and I will keep you all posted as things change.