Something I've been stewing about for a while now

[StarRidgeAcres]

This has been bothering me for a very long time now. I guess I would like to know if others think I am over-reacting and should just let it go or what.

Over the last few years, when I've been financially able - even when it meant putting myself in some difficulty - I've "donated" money to different personal causes. These have all been to horse-related people. We all hear the stories... my horse needs surgery, my spouse is ill, a natural disaster, etc. Sometimes the individuals ask for the money, sometimes another person asks on their behalf. Sometimes it's a direct ask for money, sometimes it's a benefit auction-type event.

I realize it is totally my decision to donate or not; nobody is holding a gun to my head.

Maybe I was just raised differently, but my mother insisted on saying "thank you." If I received something, I'd better have said a polite thank you or written a note or I'd have gotten heck from her. Even as an adult, I make a conscious effort to thank someone when they do something nice or help me in some way. So I guess I expect the same in return.

I can think of at least FOUR times that I've donated money to something I learned about here on LB and NEVER got an email, a card, a phone call, not even a PM saying even two simple words: Thank you. Am I just over-reacting? I'm totally dumbfounded by this behavior. I would NEVER consider cashing someone's personal check or accepting a paypal transfer if I wasn't, at a minimum, going to thank them for it. I just wouldn't do it. And then, especially if I was accepting money from mutiple people to pay bills I supposedly couldn't and then showed up at Nationals or Worlds that same year showing horses...well, I just can't imagine doing that when I'd never even had the simple manners to say thank you for what I received. My mother would turn over in her grave if I did something like that.

So, what do others think? Have basic manners just totally vanished from our society? I'm really just confused as to the kind of people who do this.

OK, hopefully I'm done venting on this subject!

I wanted to add...there have also been times I've donated to things I learned about on LB where I did receive a thank you and in those cases I'd certainly do the same again. But those people who just take the money and run really make it hard on those sincere folks because it makes me hesitant to be as generous in the future.

 

[Lizzie]

Oh Pamela, you are SO speaking my language. I grew up in England and with very strict parents. I remember after Christmas or birthdays, I had to sit for hours, writing thank you letters. I notice many children these days, seldom say a thank you, let alone even consider writing a note.

In the years when I was showing dogs and horses, I always wrote a letter of thanks to the judge, for placing me. Few seem to do this, so I was told by many judges. They actually wrote and thanked me for thanking them.

I make websites for several people. A few years ago, a fellow wrote to me saying his daughter was having a difficult time making their website. They have horses in another breed. While I normally charge for making sites, I decided to help this young lady. I spent several days, finding lovely backgrounds and writing all the html codes for her. I explaned in detail via email, how she could add all her own pictures. To this day, they still have the website, have sold a ton of expensive horses and yet I have never received one word of thanks. Another horse owner in another breed, sent me a ton of pics of her horses and asked for critiques. That also took much time and again, not one word of thanks.

After a while, I think one gets a little tired of helping people out. Maybe it is my age now, but I do think good manners have long gone by the wayside. Sad really. I could go on and on, about the many things I see changing these days, but won't. I'm sure we all see it.

Lizzie

 

[Riverrose28]

I hear you and agree, I've personally donated and not been able to afford to go to Worlds or Nationals, but the people recieving donations can afford too. Doesn't seem fair. I think I will think long and hard before donating again. This economy is awful and so many of us are suffering just to feed and care for our guys, but we also feel if someone else is in need to help in any little way possable, then to hear they are placing at the big shows says to me that they really didn't need the money and I'm a sucker. Any how, no hard feelings, I guess it's just the way ball rolls. They are promoting their farm name and horse, to make a sale, and I'm tapped out and can't even compete. what ever!

 

[Sue_C.]

I hear you and agree, I've personally donated and not been able to afford to go to Worlds or Nationals, but the people recieving donations can afford too. Doesn't seem fair. I think I will think long and hard before donating again. This economy is awful and so many of us are suffering just to feed and care for our guys, but we also feel if someone else is in need to help in any little way possable, then to hear they are placing at the big shows says to me that they really didn't need the money and I'm a sucker. Any how, no hard feelings, I guess it's just the way ball rolls. They are promoting their farm name and horse, to make a sale, and I'm tapped out and can't even compete. what ever!

It takes guts and true ignorance for someone to do such as this...I wish there was a way for folks to know who they were so the next time they feel the need to ask for handouts, they are met with a little less exuberance. There are a lot of people in REAL need that could be helped over folks this selfish.

As for the original post, yes, it is expected to at least send a thank you...be it through a post of a forum such as this, a letter sent to all, or a card if affordable...but at least have it recognized in some small way. I recently made a few donations myself, and have heard nary a word...and they all have my e-mail address...so simple to send off a wee "Thanks".

 

[minimomNC]

While I hope I said thank you to everyone, when we did the Powell Auction, I thought I had thanked everyone in a couple of posts for donating and buying, I just couldn't remember when. So I went back to check the archives.

I would never not thank people for their overwhelming kindness, it helped a family during a very hard time in their lives and people that always give of themselves when someone asks for help.

If anyone missed it, here are the links to the threads. I just wanted everyone to know, we did try our best to thank everyone during this auction.

Karen Hunter

Auction link

Another post

 

[Genie]

I have often wondered how those folks who I have seen on the forum, who have been given horses when they have had problems, are ever able to properly thank those who have been so generous.

That has been quite a donation and hopefully appreciated.

I help organize a couple of mini shows and many of the competitors make an effort to thank us and give us a compliment. It is really appreciated and the o.p. reminder to us to remember our manners is always timely.

 

[kaykay]

I sincerely hope I did not forget to thank anyone but it is highly possible. I did try to thank everyone here on Annies LB forum post and the people that helped on Facebook.

In my situation I was very sleep deprived from Tease being over due and then the round the clock care Annie took for the week before she went to OSU. Then the trips to OSU and round the clock care again when she came home, the trailer wreck etc. That entire month is literally a blur to me. If I forgot someone I apologize profusely.

I know two people sent me something very special to my house, but didnt sign their cards. I tried and tried to figure out who they were but could never figure it out.

I have never forgotten how people helped Annie and just as importantly the calls and emails lending emotional support.

And just an FYI Annies story was told at a huge writing convention a couple weeks ago in CA by my editor at Yahoo. She was so touched by Annies story that she wanted to share it during her speech.

 

[LindaL]

This same thing goes thru my mind each time that someone needs "help". Not to say they don't, but many times those we (as a group) ASK to help someone because we THINK they need financial help and they don't because they have insurance to cover most if not all the costs to "rebuild".

Then there are those on this forum who quietly go thru TRUE financial struggles (for whatever reason) without asking for help praying every day that they can feed their animals and families desperately trying to sell horses and things to help them thru their hard times. Of course, many times we do not KNOW they need help, so we (as a group) do not ASK on behalf of them.

It's a fine line and like Mary Lou said, it is hard to tell sometimes if someone really does need help or not. Most of the time I can not financially help someone out (and I do feel bad that I can not do it), but ONE time last year I did help...and like Parmela I did NOT ever get sent a Thank You for it.

This topic is doubled edged...and while I know there are people who would be extremely appreciative of any help they recieved; I really feel like "group" donations thru the forum are a bad idea all around. JMO

 

[rimmerpaints]

You should get a thank you no matter what! If i dont get one i wont donate again. Yes i am right with ya on this.

 

[barnbum]

A few years back I sent a hearty donation to a family I knew was struggling. No thank you ever came, but in that case I didn't expect one because of the emotional turmoil the family was under.

I guess I'm turned off by people directly asking for and even being willing to accept financial donations. Life is not always easy, but horses are a luxury and one must have the means to support them and possible costly situations that come up. Long term planning. If one's finanial situation changes, then the number of horses should change. Breeding can be costly. If one can't afford an emergency, it's irrepsonsible to breed. Just my (responsible) opinion.

So... we only donate to people we know way better than a forum relationship. I've focused my efforts on a local horse rescue place. I make them quilted projects and they raffle them off.

My kids still send thank yous, even if via email. They are in their 20s but must feel me leaning over their shoulder until it's done.

 

[Minimor]

Definitely agree with you. Gifts should always be acknowledged.

One thing I don't like seeing is someone pleading for money for some dire need, and then shortly afterward--or even in the same time frame as the request for money--is buying more horses.

 

[New mini]

I also think that there should always be a thank you. I have not been on here long and have not donated any money to anyone here. I see many young children that do not have any manners. I try when I see a child doing something nice, like holding a door for me, to thank them and also a comment to the parents on how nice that is. I have had my Grandchildren here everyday since their parents work and I make sure that they say thank you and mind thier manners. It is suprising how many adults will not say thank you to the Grandchildren and that hurts them since they are doing something nice for someone.GuessI am in the older world too.

 

[REO]

We can't afford to give money to others. I always do something to donate or give to CMHR each year.

I'm always trying to do something to help others

Many times they have no idea I was behind the scenes making something good happen for them. That's ok!

Recently I posted and offered to GIVE my full brother to Pooka to someone here on the forum who'd had a loss. When that wasn't even acknowledged in nearly 2 days, it hurt my feelings and I deleted my offer.

I'm always saying thank you for things and I always mean it from the heart. I always smile and thank anyone who holds a door open for me

I often do it for others and they don't even glance at me!

I know many people who act like saying thank you would make them melt like the wicked witch of the east

I know what you mean Parm. Don't let some stop you from being the wonderful generous lady that you are!

 

[Connie P]

CMHR TRULY thanks each and every person who donates, fosters, adopts, volunteers or helps the rescue out in any way shape or form. We could not operate without all of you wonderful indivduals. I sure hope we never forget to thank anyone because I also am a very firm believer in saying "thank you" Two little words that mean so much!

 

[Ashley]

well I see it a bit different. I normally always thank people for holding doors or anything of that sort, I do sometimes get spacey and forget. However, if I donate to something or somebody I dont expect a thank you. Yes they are nice but I donate because I can and because it makes me feel good. I dont expect ANYTHING in return. As of late with everything here I have not been able to donate to anything other then the places that I can send used clothing. Money is very tight because of stuff happening here, but I would never ask for help. I do have pets, and as long as I have them I dont have a right to ask for any help.

 

[StarRidgeAcres]

I appreciate everyone's response. It's a touchy subject I realize, so if I ruffled any feathers, I do apologize.

I've been thinking a lot about this after reading the different responses as well as a PM I got from someone I truly respect. Although I do think the very best policy is to always say thank you for yourself when you've received something, I can understand how it's possible for circumstances to be such that you can't or don't. And not always does no response mean the recipient wasn't totally grateful.

I appreciate the views expressed and I think I've softened mine some after my PM and after reading Ashley's response below:

well I see it a bit different. I normally always thank people for holding doors or anything of that sort, I do sometimes get spacey and forget. However, if I donate to something or somebody I dont expect a thank you. Yes they are nice but I donate because I can and because it makes me feel good. I dont expect ANYTHING in return. As of late with everything here I have not been able to donate to anything other then the places that I can send used clothing. Money is very tight because of stuff happening here, but I would never ask for help. I do have pets, and as long as I have them I dont have a right to ask for any help.

I will always try to say thank you for gifts big or small. But I do now understand how it's possible for that not to happen even though the person is truly grateful. Thanks for all the thoughts!

 

[Jill]

With you all the way Parm, despite the fact that I've gotten flack here before for expressing similar feelings. To take handouts and then buy a new horse, sink money into showing, or breed mares back when you couldn't swing the prior resulting vet bill... I just don't think that's right and I've seen it here time and again. Add a lack of a thank you on top, and I just have to figure that some people not only have no shame, but also weren't raised well.

 

[jacks'thunder]

I'm with you! I agree 100%! We just gave my neice some money for graduation and got no thank you from her. We took her on vacation to Florida and got no thank you from her. I asked my mom if she got a thank you card and she said nope. So no thank you to her grandma and no thank you to her aunt and uncle. In my opinion I would think she sent out a mass text or posted on Facebook a public Thank You, that is something she would do. Now because I don't text or have a FB account, neither I( nor my mom) got a Thank You.

Things are tight for everyone and a simple note really makes a difference when you pass on money to someone (expecially family). My nephew is getting married Tomorrow and I can't go but will be sending a gift card. I am hoping I'm wrong but people in my family don't seem to appricate anything and kind of "expect" things to be given to them. All I have to say is I hope I'm wrong..... we'll see. A thank you note would be nice!

Edited to add that I have given a homemade blanket to be auctioned to help someone here on the board and I made a great friend out of it. I don't talk to her much any more but I still consider her a friend!

I have also worked with CMHR and they were OUTSTANDING and very thankful(no $ involved though!).

When I see post about $ I just back out and don't go back to it. It totally get my panties in a bunch! I know I should not let it irk me but thats why I don't read them.

I guess my issues are more family related! LOL! My 2 experiences here have been great!

 

[LAminiatures]

Amen! I agree with all of you. It is very sad that some one cant so such a simple thing like say thanks. I am a pay if forward type of person myself. I have helped and donated to many causes including people that fell on hard times. I guess as we get older we will never stop helping others but we do become more wise to the folks the genuinely need help.

Thank you for this thread its bittersweet. One to know how may nice people are out there but the reminder that there aren't.

 

[Reble]

This quote comes to mind when I read this:

“Giving is most blessed and most acceptable when the donor remains completely anonymous”

Would also like to add, I do agree, it only takes a few seconds to say Thank YOU...