my problem daughter

[dixie_belle]

My daughter, Rachael, has been in trouble....well frankly since she was old enough to get into trouble. As a juvinile she was repeatedly picked up on minor in possession of alcohol and tobacco. Then when she was on her own her apartment was raided by the police and she spent some time in jail because they found switchblades and brass knuckles in her apartment. Then, last year she was arrested (again) with her daughter (Lily). Lily was 9 months old at the time. She was driving drunk. We took Lily here to live with us and hired an attorney (again) and she served several months in jail and then was let out on an adjudicated plea. She pled guilty, and was on released from jail. The understanding was that if she stayed good she for the next 5 years, her probation time was over. If she was arrested for something else, she would go to jail on the charge of felony child endangerment.

Well, she lasted 2 years. She was picked up last week for manufacturing and possession of a controlled substance. Her bond is $50,000.

My ex husband and I will not hire an attorney this time. She knew what would happen and she did it anyway. She is presently in the Denton County Jail. The grand jury has until Christmas to decide if there is enough evidence to actually charge her with this. ( I am sure there is)

And then she will have to serve the time for the original charge as well as this new one.

Personally, I feel she is going to be in jail for a long, long time.

Now here is a child who is very smart. Graduated from high school in 3 years. Was identified by Duke University to be in their talent search program in middle school. Took the ACT in middle school and scored well enough to get into college at that time. What was she thinking? How could she ruin her life like this?

I am not like this. And as much as I think my ex is a real jerk, he isn't like that either.

I cannot help but feel like I have failed in some way. I love her and she will always be my daughter. I will write to her but not visit. Been there, done that. It is entirely too difficult.

What makes children turn to the dark side? She has wasted her life.

Thank goodness Lily was adopted by a wonderful family. My husband and I visit with her on a regular basis and she has ovenight stays at grandma and granpop's house.

I just don't get it.

 

[Kathy2m]

I feel your pain. I too have a son that has been in trouble, not as a juvenile, probably because he wasn't caught. He got into drugs did some STUPID things was arrested we did not hire an atty. the first time or ever (tough love, you did it you figure it out). He finally decided to take responsibility for what he has done and the last time he violated his probation he could have come out again, he stayed in and did 4 months. My husband and I didnt want to take him back home because we told him last time get help for your drug problem or move out, he moved out we told him that he could not come home again if he chose to move out we were done, but we did let him come home, I wanted to give him 1 more chance. I didnt want him back in the same place he was to get hooked on drugs again. He has only been out 3 weeks, so far so good he has LOTS of rules to follow basically like he is on house arrest with us until we can trust him. He lost EVERYTHING to drugs, his car, job, all he has is some clothes that I got back from the druggie he lived with, they kept all his nice clothes and shoes, his camera and printer even his wallet with his SS card and DL in it. I'm hoping he learned something this time and is ready to make good choices in his life now. He is 25. My heart goes out to you it is not an easy road to go down. Bless you and stay strong, Kathy

 

[stormo41]

Oh wow. I'm not a parent so I can even imagine what your going through, It must be hard!

I'm sure you and your Ex did a very good job raising your child, sometimes people just go down the wrong road no matter how they were raised.

I hope one day your daughter can get herself on the right path again.

I know you can't help but to feel your to blame, but your not, Your daughter is very able to make her own choices just like the rest of us are, it's not anyones fault but her own when she makes self-destructive ones.

 

[AppyLover2]

Please don't blame yourself. If you raised her right and set a good example for her it's all you could do. Our kids have to find their own way, right or wrong. For what it's worth I think you're doing the right thing by not trying to help her out again. My daughter got into trouble at one time and I'm the one who turned her in and actually had to testify against her in court. It was ABSOLUTELY the most difficult thing I've ever done in my life but Tough Love was the only way I knew to convince her that she had to accept responsibility for her actions. As hard as it was it was probably one of the best decisions I ever made as far as raising her is concerned. Although we had our problems, today she is a mature, well adjusted, hard working adult. I couldn't be more proud.

I need to add something else that I noticed after we had our problem. There are people/groups who will always say it's the parents fault. I took (and still take) strong exception to that statement. It isn't always the parents fault when their kids do something bad....we raise our kids to think for themselves; unfortunately there are times they just don't do a very good job of it. When people blame the parents it just gives our kids another reason to refuse to accept responsibility.

Like I said.....been there....done that. My heart goes out to you because I know how heart breaking it is.

 

[Mona]

Oh dixie_belle, I can hear, and feel your pain, and yes, I can even relate to it on a personal level, from dealing with somewhat similar circumstances with one of my children. (((((HUGS))))) to you in a BIG way, as I know the feelings you are experiencing and I know you need the hugs! Do not blame yourself, I am sure you raised her well, and she made those choices, just as our child has.

I *THINK* I was just thinking about you the other day in fact! I am not sure it was, but are you the one that had the daughter move to Minneapolis with a boyfriend or something, and gave her daughter up to you? I was just thinking about that the other day, wondering how those parents made out with that situation...if that was you, I guess now I know my answer. WOW, if that was it, it has already been 2 years??

I am getting too old too fast!

Again, HUGS to you!

 

[CyndiM]

I have a stepson who believed all of his life that he wasn't going to get caught, well he did at the ripe old age of 44. He now sits in a federal prison in AR. And he is STILL whining about how bad he has it and he gets no respect!

He also thinks he can still break the rules! He knows he is not allowed to have tinted lenses in his glasses but that is EXACTLY what he wanted me to order for him.

Unfortunately he knows just how to put a HUGE guilt trip on my husband and he does every time he writes or calls. This kid has no idea just how much he has hurt his father and he doesn't care unless he thinks the money hubby sends him is going to stop, then he writes or calls to 'apologize' and whine about how bad it is. He is also peeved that he hasn't gotten the time off he was promised for turning in people and testifying against them. Again it's ALL about him and I guarantee if he was out today by the end of next week he would be right back into the thick of it.

Drug users do not think about anything except how to get the next fix/hit. They have no conscience and do not care about the loved ones they are hurting by their selfish needs and wants/actions.

 

[Miniv]

All a parent can do is lay a foundation of what is Right and Wrong........How the child uses (or doesn't use) it is up to them once they reach adulthood.

What muddies the situation is having a child who has an addictive disorder. Your daughter seems to have that, from what you describe. An addict can have all the best parenting in the world, and knows right from wrong, but will throw it out the window because they are HOOKED.

No one can help an addict until they are ready to help THEMSELVES.

 

[wildoak]

My heart goes out to you - been down a very similar road, and I know how painful it is. Hang in there and take care of yourself.

You didn't cause this and you can't change it. Your daughter has to find something from within to want to change and even then, it's not an easy path.

Jan