Ladies? Guys looking at pictures Online...

[mininik]

Am I out of line thinking that someone looking at nasty pictures is essentially cheating on their significant other? What if you aren't married, but you know your SO doesn't approve and you do it anyway, just a bit more cautiously?

Would you consider that the SO's problem? In other words, should they simply get over it, change their viewpoint or leave?

I think I already know what's going to happen. This isn't the only issue, and what a pain...

 

[Ashley]

It all depends on what the other half feels about it. In some cases its ok and others not.

For me personally no, it would not be ok.

 

[mininik]

That's what I was wondering. I understand that if both individuals feel okay about one or the other looking, or even participate with eachother in looking or whatever, that's fine. I'm just wondering if I'm out of line, since I don't approve of it... or understand the appeal... but considering that things obviously aren't going to change on either end I guess it doesn't really matter. Aren't there any normal guys out there who don't need to look at trash when they have something much better at home?

I believe the effect of this is going beyond the images and creating other issues, for both myself and him.

Ultimately I know this has less to do with what someone else does and more about what I want in a relationship... but am I being unrealistic?

 

[user 488]

Are you looking at pictures again Nicole?

Just kidding of course and not trying to make light of the issue.

Are there guys around that don't have to look at that stuff? Of course there are. But I don't think it can be pinned as normal or not normal. They say men are just being and just men. I don't buy it myself.

The cautiously part is what would bother me most. I took that a sneaking around. Yes, that would burn my backside. I don't do well with sneaks and liars. You are right about one thing...........it will not change. At least not at this point in his life or maybe never. So you gotta do what you gotta do. You either live with it......and I am sensing you find it degrading.........or you part ways.

 

[Jill]

I'm with Carol, and it's the sneaking to do it that would hurt me. I don't know that I'd care (or care much) if H was looking at that stuff or had a magazine subscription BUT if he knew it bothered me and tried to go behind my back and do it -- THAT would bother me.

 

[mininik]

LOL You caught me, Carol...

Yes, this has turned into a sneaky thing like me walking in on him looking at pictures Online at five in the morning, to pictures recieved and saved in Email, as well as having the settings on the Internet turned so they delete history immediately. I do find it degrading (perfect way of putting it) and also worrisome, because in my mind one thing may well lead to another. I have told him that I wouldn't mind so much if this weren't a secretive thing, but it is, and as I mentioned previously, I do feel this is effecting our relationship in other ways.

 

[Jill]

Nicole --

Some people get addicted to it. Do you think that could be the situation? I don't know how you help someone out of that (or any) addiction, but I think if it is an addiction, it puts the "sneaking" in another light (as in maybe he needs help and can't stop himself).

Hoping for the best.

Jill

 

[tigeresss]

For me it is okay (to a point)… I understand the minds of males, how it works and that sometimes they just need their "alone time" with visual stimulation. Women, like men are also visually stimulated and often if the SO is open enough to try and experience that visual part with her other half it can work out quite well. Granted there are times when it is wrong and disgusting...i.e. When what's being looked at is young people. When it becomes an unbreakable habit, or addiction. When it takes over from REAL relationships. Things such as this.

I think most of the time women take offence to it thinking that they are not good enough or "why look at that when I'm here" when in reality most men aren't thinking that. They may look at other women's breasts but that doesn't mean that they would take it further or that they would want anyone other than the woman they are with. Many women over react far too much and I'm not saying you are because I don't know the circumstances. I think it's a hard one because most women are against it and most men are all for it and I doubt that will change anytime soon. I can see it from both sides though and it's definitely a hard call.

 

[mininik]

Thanks, Jill... an addiction would make sense, but I'm willing to bet that if it's like other addictions he'll need to admit it's a problem and do most of the getting over it himself.

Oy. I think I need to go to Walmart to remind myself how good I have it. LOL Kidding!

 

[tigeresss]

Just read the replies and in this case I don't agree. If he is sneaking around/lieing then that is the ultimate awful situation in my books. Liars have no place in my life and they are not kept in my life, no exceptions. If he was being honest with you (and himself) maybe working something out where you two can come to some agreement that would be fine. The lieing and such is just...not good in my opinion and sounds like some sort of addiction type situation.

 

[mininik]

Understood, tigress. I have tried getting this out there for both of us to discuss, but since it's gone secretive I believe it has definitely been affecting the REAL relationship.

I'm going to go get something to eat and some fresh air, but I so appreciate any advice and will be back on later to read and reply more.

 

[Jill]

People like you are great because we can have a different opinion about something, but still like each other.

Hoping this situation will work out and won't be upsetting you going forward.

 

[Elsa]

I would be ok with is as long as he was honest about it and didn't let if affect other areas of the relationship, and also didn't expose me to it in any way ie. you walking in on him.

Hope you two figure this out.

best wishes

 

[Reijel's Mom]

Well. . .I don't think I would see it as cheating but I sure wouldn't be thrilled with it. As for the covering it up - wouldn't like that a bit, either, but then again, if he knows you are really against it and he's not then does he have much choice if he wants to be with you and still wants to look?

 

[Shari]

Personally do not think it is right. But that's just me.

Am sorry you are having to deal with something like this. Hope he will be willing to sit down and talk about it. <hugs>

 

[CrescentMinis]

The problems I see with this as an addiction (which I agree is what is going on here due to the secretive behavior) is that like anything else, it takes more and more to get the "high" from it, and the worst part is it creates unrealistic expectations in his mind for his REAL relationship with you. What he is looking at is not real, just a fantasy, but the lines can blur easily in his imagination and he is setting himself up to fail in his relationship with you.

He probably will not be able to just quit, but if he sincerely does want to get help at some point, he can do things such as put filters on the computer to prevent access to the sites; have someone he trusts he can be honest and accountable with, etc.

 

[New_Image]

Personally do not think it is right. But that's just me.
Am sorry you are having to deal with something like this. Hope he will be willing to sit down and talk about it. <hugs>

Agree.

I see it as a form of cheating in a way, the same as lusting someone you don't have while in a serious relationship. If nothing else its just "not right" in my book and I don't blame you one bit for feeling that way.

 

[The Simple Life Farm]

I do not consider it cheating, but very inapproperiate when you are in a relationship. He is probably hiding it so it won't hurt your feelings since you don't approve. I would not stand for it if it was my husband. You have to decide what you need to do to make YOURSELF happy. I am sure your heart is telling you want to do, but your mind doesn't agree.

 

[crponies]

Well, Jesus said if a man looks at a woman to lust after her, he is just as guilty as if he had physically committed adultery. So, from that I would definitely condemn this behavior. I also know that in some cases, this can be a stepping off point for much more serious things include rape and murder. (Please not I said SOME CASES.)

 

[Marty]

I've gotten up in the middle of the night to find Jerry watching the weather. I think maybe he likes that weather gal on the weather channel.

But the day I stop lusting over Jon Bon Jovi, you might as well shoot me.

Don't consider that stuff cheating!