Ladies? Guys looking at pictures Online...
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lvponies
Well-Known Member
As long as I have faith in and trust my partner, him looking at online stuff, pictures or even other women doesn't bother me at all. Men look. Doesn't mean they are going to touch. It doesn't take anything at all away from me when they do this.
It's possible that your partner has gone secretive with his behavior because he knows it bothers you. The issue I see is that he knows that it bothers you, but won't stop. That point concerns me more then the actual looking. I guess it depends on how much you care for this man. Can you accept his behavior and move on, or not? If you do care for him and want to stay with him, bringing the looking out into the open may decrease the tension surrounding it. But....if it's too much for you to handle, then it may be time to move on. Wishing you the best of luck!!!
It's possible that your partner has gone secretive with his behavior because he knows it bothers you. The issue I see is that he knows that it bothers you, but won't stop. That point concerns me more then the actual looking. I guess it depends on how much you care for this man. Can you accept his behavior and move on, or not? If you do care for him and want to stay with him, bringing the looking out into the open may decrease the tension surrounding it. But....if it's too much for you to handle, then it may be time to move on. Wishing you the best of luck!!!
Robin1
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I don't consider it cheating, however in a past relationship my SO got addicted to porn. I would wake up in the middle of the night and find him on the computer. He was very good at switching to a different screen, etc.
I have to admit my favorite was sneaking up on him, grabbing him, and yelling BOO!!!
I think I about gave him a heart attack. Sadly, I have found that when they get hooked on this stuff it tends to lead to other problems. i.e. needing more and going in different directions with it.
If you ask him to only look at it when you are around and he is willing to stop the sneaking, then I would work on the relationship. Otherwise, bye bye.
Robin
I have to admit my favorite was sneaking up on him, grabbing him, and yelling BOO!!!
If you ask him to only look at it when you are around and he is willing to stop the sneaking, then I would work on the relationship. Otherwise, bye bye.
Robin
bingo
Well-Known Member
I don't feel it is cheating or wrong. I think it is normal to look at others and both men and women do it. Being in a loving relationship doesn't make you suddenly unable to see others and find them attractive. Pictures on line for the most part are simply fantasy and some of the reason for sneaking could be the shame you have put on him.
Of course sometimes it does get out of control but it comes down to not really being him that is right or wrong but what works for you. It is your issue and you have to decide what you are willing to live with or not.
Of course sometimes it does get out of control but it comes down to not really being him that is right or wrong but what works for you. It is your issue and you have to decide what you are willing to live with or not.
Sonya
Well-Known Member
I do not consider it cheating. The big picture here is not so much the act itself, but the fact that he knows you don't approve of it, and he does it anyway. There are sacrifices spouses/so's need to make daily to make a relationship work. If someone is not willing to sacrifice something as simple as this, how can they sacrifice and not be selfish when something bigger comes along? And if someone is getting up early and changing their habits to do something like this, then there could be a problem, as an addiction. If this really bothers you, as the sneaking around would definately bother me, stick to your guns. Counseling could help, especially if this is an addiction, he will need help to beat it. Wishing you the best.
Basketmiss
Well-Known Member
Men are visually stimulated much more than women AND the way some women walk around with tight clothes, boobs hanging out, pants down showing thongs, is an enticement to men.. If a woman dresses like this she is looking for attention IMO, that is fine if she can take WHAT attention she gets, not always good...
I think the sneaking would bother me than just being honest.
I know someone who's husband likes to look at porn on TV and computer ALOT! The problem is he doesnt want to have sex with his wife, and she is very willing, where some arent..
I think this is VERY WRONG... I think he needs help for this addiction, he has an addictive personality with other things too, which comes from somewhere?
In most situations the person starts hiding it because they are ashamed or know you dont approve... If they could get counseling to see what the root of this problem is , I think that would hopefully fix it..
I also know someone else whos husband was looking at young girls on the internet and she HAD NO CLUE! He was even arrested. They are now divorced and she would have never thought he would have done something like this...Sometimes people just have addictions and dont know how to handle them, they keep fulfilling them...
I think the sneaking would bother me than just being honest.
I know someone who's husband likes to look at porn on TV and computer ALOT! The problem is he doesnt want to have sex with his wife, and she is very willing, where some arent..
I think this is VERY WRONG... I think he needs help for this addiction, he has an addictive personality with other things too, which comes from somewhere?
In most situations the person starts hiding it because they are ashamed or know you dont approve... If they could get counseling to see what the root of this problem is , I think that would hopefully fix it..
I also know someone else whos husband was looking at young girls on the internet and she HAD NO CLUE! He was even arrested. They are now divorced and she would have never thought he would have done something like this...Sometimes people just have addictions and dont know how to handle them, they keep fulfilling them...
RainSong
Well-Known Member
I'm going to have to chime in with something my husband says in a moment. Let me say though, I don't see anything wrong with it- provided it's not looking at illegal things, both partners know, and they aren't going out and -looking- to actively do these things with people other then a spouse.
The sneaking about it though- maybe he's ashamed, maybe he doesn't want you to know, or maybe it is only because he knows you don't like it- So he simply doesn't do it around you, and thus... not an issue in his mind. He may think if you aren't seeing him or it, then it is not a problem.
My husband has it right; at least where it pertains to some couples. Both people have to be comfortable with it, though. He says "It doesn't matter where you get the appetite, so long as you eat at home."
I'm a pretty insecure person. My husband ... is not. I have VERY little interest in sex... he has A LOT of interest. I'm safe enough in our relationship and trust him enough that if he wanted to look, I don't mind. I also trusted him to be doing over the road trucking, and there's truck stop bunnies allll across the country...
It all comes down to trust and personal belief. You need to sit him down (again?) and tell him it bugs you, even if he does it where you can't see- period, you think it's wrong. Ask him why he does it, why he sneaks, maybe even explain to him that you feel like he doesn't want you when he does that.
Marty really did have it right. Even married people still look, if they're at all interested in sex or these sorts of things- if they aren't blind... and aren't ME lol It doesn't mean they don't love their partner less, doesn't mean they're going to run off a cheat.
Would you reading a Romance novel with all those trashy sex-scenes be cheating? It's really the same thing; just takes a bit more imagination.
The sneaking about it though- maybe he's ashamed, maybe he doesn't want you to know, or maybe it is only because he knows you don't like it- So he simply doesn't do it around you, and thus... not an issue in his mind. He may think if you aren't seeing him or it, then it is not a problem.
My husband has it right; at least where it pertains to some couples. Both people have to be comfortable with it, though. He says "It doesn't matter where you get the appetite, so long as you eat at home."
I'm a pretty insecure person. My husband ... is not. I have VERY little interest in sex... he has A LOT of interest. I'm safe enough in our relationship and trust him enough that if he wanted to look, I don't mind. I also trusted him to be doing over the road trucking, and there's truck stop bunnies allll across the country...
It all comes down to trust and personal belief. You need to sit him down (again?) and tell him it bugs you, even if he does it where you can't see- period, you think it's wrong. Ask him why he does it, why he sneaks, maybe even explain to him that you feel like he doesn't want you when he does that.
Marty really did have it right. Even married people still look, if they're at all interested in sex or these sorts of things- if they aren't blind... and aren't ME lol It doesn't mean they don't love their partner less, doesn't mean they're going to run off a cheat.
Would you reading a Romance novel with all those trashy sex-scenes be cheating? It's really the same thing; just takes a bit more imagination.
I'm still reading and finding the different thoughts on this very interesting. My feelings about the pictures aside, I'm most troubled over how they seem to be effecting our relationship, especially since I was told he wasn't looking at them anymore. If the problem is not the pictures, he doesn't seen to want to tell me what it is.
RockRiverTiff
Well-Known Member
Well I honestly can't say exactly how I feel about "those" pictures. I am not too delusional to admit that I do have some insecurities, but I also even as a rational and intelligent person find the fact that I'm supposed to accept the objectification of women as natural/normal. It's one thing to look at a woman and say, "She's sexy." Both women and men can see it in both sexes and THAT is natural, but some of the stuff that's become accessible via the internet... Frankly I think the desire to see that and see it repeatedly suggests a bigger issue than basic hormones.
My opinion of the material aside, what worries me is that you said he has received pictures in his e-mail. From whom?! And if he is having people contact him that way, who's to say he would not also give them his messenger name or even his phone number? Most people that engage in something they may be ashamed of want to remain anonymous, but by receiving pictures through his e-mail he's already crossed that line. That and the dishonesty are what really concern me in this situation.
My opinion of the material aside, what worries me is that you said he has received pictures in his e-mail. From whom?! And if he is having people contact him that way, who's to say he would not also give them his messenger name or even his phone number? Most people that engage in something they may be ashamed of want to remain anonymous, but by receiving pictures through his e-mail he's already crossed that line. That and the dishonesty are what really concern me in this situation.
Hopefully there isn't a risk for receiving a virus........ummmm.....a computer virus.
Personally, I have mixed feelings about your S.O. viewing the porn. However, like others have stated, the fact that he is lying about it bothers me more.
Personally, I have mixed feelings about your S.O. viewing the porn. However, like others have stated, the fact that he is lying about it bothers me more.
[SIZE=12pt]I don't feel like looking at p8rn online is cheating. I do feel like CHATTING with someone(s) online IS a form of cheating. However, if p8rn is being used to replace the intimacy in a relationship, then that is the real problem. [/SIZE]
Sun Runner Stables
Well-Known Member
I can understand exactly where you are coming from in a few ways-
My current SO is the man I am going to marry (god that's scary/exciting to write) but when we were just friends before, his occasional looking at pin ups and such was a joke in our group, as he was single, and as we are young, our group of friends will habitually find something extra gross and share it just for the amusement,
however- when we started seeing each other- he lost interest in it, and I stopped seeing them on our computer-
Recently I managed to stress myself out and then hurt my back, and was Not interested in any sort of boot knocking- suddenly, I noticed his old fav sites showing up again- I was In Tears!
Now I am a very secure,really, and have a healthy libido, and I was mostly upset that he was looking at "other girls"-
I had No isssue with him looking at them, it was that I knew he was because I couldn't keep up- and felt that he may want to jump the fence, cause I wasn't taking care of him, blah blah insecure blah- He about laughed at me and cuddled me and said no- It's just the visual stimulation thing-
I have to reinterate that I don't care, and would sit with him if I could find one girl who auctually Looked like she was having a good time-
We have a very communicative relationship, which is one of our greatest strengths-
However- the fact that you made it clear that you were Not okay with this and he snuck around is sign of trouble ahead- or perhaps something as simple as the dog you yell at for pooping on the carpet, who then poops behind the couch cause then you won't See him do it- It's your call-
I can only assume from the flavor of your posts that it's affecting life behind closed doors as well, which means it's time for a 'serious come to jesus' as we call it- There is no reason two people who live together cannot figure things out if they can talk about it- IMO- at least in many cases-
The idea that dirty pics lead to other horrendous things is silly
, it's like saying Guns kill people, No, both are just there to be used, and alot of times, nasty people are attracted to them- 
OH!
That some people become addicted and require bigger highs however, I can easily see- I also agree that it sets an un-real stage and goals for the bed room- I will most cert Not do a few of the things my SO looks at, but it's fun for him to imagin it- Which is healthy and normal-
All in all- it just sounds like you need to have a long talk with him. Good luck- I know how upset I was, and I had really no reason- I cannot imagin how much worse it is for you-
Whitney
*Edited to Add, I think Laura hit the nail on the head, and the rest of the advice here is wonderful*
My current SO is the man I am going to marry (god that's scary/exciting to write) but when we were just friends before, his occasional looking at pin ups and such was a joke in our group, as he was single, and as we are young, our group of friends will habitually find something extra gross and share it just for the amusement,
however- when we started seeing each other- he lost interest in it, and I stopped seeing them on our computer-
Recently I managed to stress myself out and then hurt my back, and was Not interested in any sort of boot knocking- suddenly, I noticed his old fav sites showing up again- I was In Tears!
Now I am a very secure,really, and have a healthy libido, and I was mostly upset that he was looking at "other girls"-
I had No isssue with him looking at them, it was that I knew he was because I couldn't keep up- and felt that he may want to jump the fence, cause I wasn't taking care of him, blah blah insecure blah- He about laughed at me and cuddled me and said no- It's just the visual stimulation thing-
I have to reinterate that I don't care, and would sit with him if I could find one girl who auctually Looked like she was having a good time-
However- the fact that you made it clear that you were Not okay with this and he snuck around is sign of trouble ahead- or perhaps something as simple as the dog you yell at for pooping on the carpet, who then poops behind the couch cause then you won't See him do it- It's your call-
I can only assume from the flavor of your posts that it's affecting life behind closed doors as well, which means it's time for a 'serious come to jesus' as we call it- There is no reason two people who live together cannot figure things out if they can talk about it- IMO- at least in many cases-
The idea that dirty pics lead to other horrendous things is silly
OH!That some people become addicted and require bigger highs however, I can easily see- I also agree that it sets an un-real stage and goals for the bed room- I will most cert Not do a few of the things my SO looks at, but it's fun for him to imagin it- Which is healthy and normal-
All in all- it just sounds like you need to have a long talk with him. Good luck- I know how upset I was, and I had really no reason- I cannot imagin how much worse it is for you-
Whitney
*Edited to Add, I think Laura hit the nail on the head, and the rest of the advice here is wonderful*
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Boss Mare
Well-Known Member
Simple, to the point.
Sadly men often don't see things the same way and I am not sure how one opens their eyes!
bingo
Well-Known Member
I honestly have never thought that ANYTHING (or anyone) can interfere with the true intimacy and respect a GOOD relationship has. It is easy to assume it is porn, talking to another woman, someone dressing sexy. It is hard to accept we cannot fulfill each and every need a man might have and most women take it as a failure instead of realizing they (men) can be wonderfully happy, in love and faithful while still appreciating conversation with other women or the beauty they have.Yep. I believe that ANYTHING (or anyone) who interferes with the intimacy in a relationship is wrong.
Sadly men often don't see things the same way and I am not sure how one opens their eyes!
I am with you on this one, Marty!I've gotten up in the middle of the night to find Jerry watching the weather. I think maybe he likes that weather gal on the weather channel.
But the day I stop lusting over Jon Bon Jovi, you might as well shoot me.
Don't consider that stuff cheating!
My hubby has his "favorites" for viewing and I have my "eye candy" too (always liked Harrison Ford and Brad Pitt), but there is no one else I would rather spend my time with other than Tim... we have been together for 20 years married this August, and 23+ knowing each other. Not that it has been easy but we are working together to make it enjoyable and to make it work. Looking is OK in my opinion... you just don't want to be in the line to touch or "buy" elsewhere as once you purchase, you are committed.
I have to say my Tim has been "my only love".
Denise
Silversong Farm
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