how would you feel

[anoki]

This may get long and ramble-y, but I am sooooo worked up right now.....

So I am looking up some info for my brother on the computer and the phone rings....everyone else was busy, so I grabbed it (I don't normally answer because it is never for me).

The person asks for me, and when I say I'm speaking he tells me who it is.....my ex-boyfriend.....and not a recent ex either!!! To make a long story veeeerrrry short...

We split up in 2001 after 2 1/2 years of seeing each other. He lives about 2 hours SouthEast of me. At the time of the split I was apprenticing 2 hours from 'home'. So I'd drive to work, work for 4 days (staying in the area of the job) then come home for 3 days. Anyway, we split, the short story, I said I didn't want to see him anymore....he hounded me for MONTHS--even years--after. The place I worked for moved about an hour northwest of where they were located....he didn't know anything about it, but he showed up on the doorstep of the shop, which was about 6 months after we split! He showed up at the horse barn a few times (remember this is a 2 hour drive for him) when no one else but me was there, and 2 years later, I'm in town getting doughnuts for some people that were doing work at the horse barn.....who should be in the Tim Horton's parking lot (and blocked my car in with his)!!!!

:shocked Freaked the crap outta me....said he came up for some fishing (yeah, fishing alright)....

Some how he got my email address and emailed me. I replied that I was trying to get on with my life, and I really wish he would do the same. The response I got was 'if that is what you wish' and never heard a word from him again (that was 3 years AFTER we split).

Then today!!!!

:frusty

I didn't know what to say to him.....he asked how I was, I said fine...asked how life was going, and I said alright...asked if life was going the 'right' way, and I said I sure hope so!! I missed my chance though...when he asked how life was going, I should have said fine until I picked up the phone......

Then he told me he'd been having some weird dreams about me

:unsure and wanted to make sure I was ok....the REALLY weird thing is, he popped into my mind earlier this week and I wondered where the heck that thought came from....but I had this really bad feeling that he was in the area again....or that I was going to run into him somewhere....

Then he started talking about 'his' horses....WHAT?!?!?! he was NOOOOOOO horse person when I knew him...heck, he was NOT that great of an animal person. He said he wanted my opinion on a few of them sometime if I didn't mind....

crap I was in soo much shock that I was dumbfounded and didn't know what to say.....

I got off the phone with him (by this time, my Dad had come out to his office and was sitting at the desk beside me), and I told him I was never going to answer the phone again!!! He looked at me and said who was it...I told him, and he was like who?! And I said YES!

Then Mom heard me and said again? ANd then I lost it....AGAIN!?!?! WHAT? She said, yeah, he'd called earlier but I wasn't home...she didn't know who it was until she said I wasn't here, then he told her who was calling....

Don't get me wrong, he was a nice guy.....but the longer we were together, the more of a major control freak he turned into...and it was definitely a relationship that I was not happy in at the end. BUT what I don't and didn't like was the fact that I didn't trust him not to be vindictive when we broke up....I looked over my shoulder for MONTHS, heck YEARS wondering if he had coincidentally 'shown up' somewhere that I was.....he did that a few times and scared the crap outta me......always in a 'public' place, but somewhere odd....that he had no interest in, but knew I did....creeped me out....I'd probably still be friends with him, on some level, if he hadn't harassed me soo much when we split.....

*sigh* what is up with this year.......

~kathryn

 

[Field-of-Dreams]

Just TELL him to leave you alone, that you do not want to see or hear from him again, and if he does not leave you alone you WILL get a restraining order against him. Then DO IT.

Life is too short to keep looking over your shoulder like this.

Lucy

 

[gimp]

Thank goodness you are not living alone right now. This poor man needs a bit of therapy, I am thinking, and you need to just take care of yourself! I think you should look into a restraining order. Who knows where he could be, and you must protect yourself and your loved ones, both two and four legged. There are way too many crazies in society, and it is sad for all. How would I feel? I can do something you cannot, and that is arm myself. While I would hope never to have to even draw it from the holster, I am prepared to do that. Reading this, and realizing it is a "nutshell" scenario, I know this must be a tough call. But...

I honestly am freaked out for you.

Take care, Kathryn. I will be thinking about you.

Nancy

 

[Marty]

Can you say "STALKER"

That would just creep me out Kath.

If I were you and he called, I wouldn't get him mad or hateful but just tell him that you would rather cut all ties with him forever because its not healthy for either of you to be in contact any longer. Tell him you wish all good things for him in his future.

 

[miniwhinny]

Go to your police station and fill out a report. List everything and as many dates as possible. You need to get evidence going on this.

If, and I hope he doesn't, but if he contacts you again do NOT make conversation. Tell him to leave you alone. If he continues call the police.

This behaviour especially the control issues are NOT normal...especially the "I'm having dreams about you" stuff.

File a report and don't let them poo-poo you off.

Better to cover yourself should you want a restraining order.

 

[anoki]

I've been trying to figure out how long it has been since he last contacted me.....I am pretty sure it has been at LEAST 4 years (maybe more like 5 years....I can't remember)!! That is what bothers me.....and then the fact that I had a feeling he was in the area earlier in the week, and then to get a phone call today....

I was totally dumbfounded and shocked when I was talking to him, that I clammed up....nothing came to mind for something sensible to say...I just said nothing.

Can you say "STALKER"

That would just creep me out Kath.

If I were you and he called, I wouldn't get him mad or hateful but just tell him that you would rather cut all ties with him forever because its not healthy for either of you to be in contact any longer. Tell him you wish all good things for him in his future.

Yes, the first year, definitely stalker....this is 8 friggin years later...haven't heard a peep from him for 4 years, and suddenly 'hey, how's it going'. I told him I didn't want anything to do with him...that I was trying to move on with my life and he should too....why would you call someone up after 4 years and think that they'd be happy to hear from you?!?!

When I had finally gotten the guts to go to the police about (I don't know why I was afraid to go to them about it, but I was......), I didn't hear anything from him....except a phone call on my birthday (all of these phone calls I would tell him I didn't want to talk to him anymore, didn't want to see him, etc). The next year I got the email which I responded to telling him to move on.....then nothing from him.....I had actually almost forgotten about him until this week and this niggling feeling that I couldn't put my finger on.

And people wonder why I'm still single.....

~kathryn

 

[Charlene]

you are still single because there hasn't been a man GOOD ENOUGH for you yet!

i agree with the others...file a police report, document everything in as much detail as you can. if the time comes that you feel a restraining order is appropriate, you will have some solid back-up.

in the meantime, pack up the cardis and head to illinois. i'll hide you for as long as it's necessary!

 

[bjcs]

You said you had "a feeling" Please listen carefully when you have a feeling or as I call it, a message from God. I don't want to scare you but years ago if I didn't listen to a message that I received, I would be dead right now. Please do what you have to to protect yourself. This guy doesn't sound right.

 

[gimp]

you are still single because there hasn't been a man GOOD ENOUGH for you yet!

i agree with the others...file a police report, document everything in as much detail as you can. if the time comes that you feel a restraining order is appropriate, you will have some solid back-up.

in the meantime, pack up the cardis and head to illinois. i'll hide you for as long as it's necessary!

I'm thinking you are still too close, Charlene. Moxie and the others want to come to the Pacific Northwest...

 

[anoki]

Thanks for the responses everyone!

I'm thinking you are still too close, Charlene. Moxie and the others want to come to the Pacific Northwest...

Actually, Moxie & the children will be heading to Illinois in a week or so

:yeah

Just trying to figure out how to do a drop off this weekend while I'm in Michigan......

~kathryn

 

[sfmini]

Sounds really scary to me.

I agree with the others, start documenting each contact and get a restraining order. Problem with those is it is not really much protection but you can have him arrested if he comes near you, and he might get the message that you want to be left alone. Controlling people are the types who abuse, so good for you for breaking it off.

So, does Canada allow concealed carry?

If so, get your license and carry a gun.

 

[stormo41]

like the others have said keep track of everything, tell him to stop contacting you and to stay away, and go to the police to file a report.

This sounds like a classic story from this blog Psychotic Letters From Men (this blog is not G rated). I was stalked in highschool by an ex I was lucky that he ran off as soon as i utered the words "police report".....I do however get random e-mails or facebook messages from him still (i'm 21 now) about every six months asking where i live.

If you fell uneasy you could carry some pepper spray, always have a cell phone with you and have a co-worker walk you to your car at the end of the day if it's possible.

 

[Jill]

I agree with those who have advised to tell him (bluntly) to leave you alone and if he doesn't, you will file for a restraining order (and do so). If you have no interest in him, there is nothing good that can result from giving him any reason to find mixed signals coming from you. If he's harmless, the worst that can happen are temporarily hurt feelings. If he's not...

 

[~Lisa~]

Not saying so i this case since there has been no abuse ect but filing a restraining order is not the be all end all. In fact a large portion of the time all it does is enrage the person you filed against.

That paper is no protection at all and unless a cop happens to be right there at the time you call and catches this person (of course not across the street or in the area) but really only within the amount of feet from you stated on your order then they can not do anything anyway.

Often times you have now added another mouse to the game for the cat

Of course you need to document but it is not protective measure you can count on in any way. Make sure you (meaning all of us women and girls out there) know self defense- if you have a gun make sure you know how to use it. If you do not feel comfortable with a gun make sure you feel comfortable with other protective measures.

Most important always go with your gut. It is something we tend to shut off and tend to force our kids to shut off by making them say hi to so and so or give auntie whoever a kiss that kind of thing.

Be aware of your surroundings at all times not trying to sound scary or say your situation is going to end up like this but a general statement. Sadly been there done

 

[Shari]

Tell him to leave you alone and at least file a Report with the Police or sheriff's office. Let them know there is a possible problem.

Stay safe!

 

[RockRiverTiff]

This sounds like a classic story from this blog Psychotic Letters From Men (this blog is not G rated).

That blog is what I thought of when I read this too! Just because the guy hasn't outright threatened you doesn't mean that what he's doing isn't threatening. The fact that he's renewed his pursuit after all this time makes me wonder, but as others have said I think if anything it's a clear sign that you need to get yourself a restraining order. Sometimes people like this can delude themselves into thinking that you want to be pursued or that the constant attention is flattering. Nothing corrects that way of thinking like legal action! Once you've given him your firm but polite (don't want to set him off!) final statement, I would refuse any additional contact with him--even through others. This guy needs to know it's really over.

 

[bcody]

I am sorry you are going through this. If after this many years he is still thinking about you and calling you, I would be concerned. I have delt with a stalker, it is not fun. Lisa is correct about a restraining order. It may be what he needs to back off, or it could back fire and get him really angry. Unless he is caught violating the order, there is not much the police can do.

My stalker was violent. He had hurt me many times. I became a 2nd degree black belt in karate, and now me and my kids are doing Taekwondo, I am half way to a blackbelt in that also.. My daughter is only 6, when she is older she will learn self defense, I think every woman should take a self defense class, and really learn it. A gun is a good idea IF you are comfortable with it and IF you could use it if you had to.

What ever you do, do not ignore it and do nothing, Please.