Am I being too possessive/clingy?

[MiniHoofBeats]

I noticed when I get depressed, I tend to take my anger and hurt out on my boyfriend and I feel horrible about it...(i'll feel horrible about writing this as soon as I hit enter too but I need to talk about it to someone).

He has been going through a lot of emotional junk recently, his best friend just screwed him over BIG time and he's now lost him as his best friend. He just got a new job and is getting used to that. He's been broke for the last few weeks so he's feeling financially pressed. His way of dealing with stuff is to sit by himself and just, think things through. He doesn't go to me, or friends, for help. His mom passed away, his dad is of no help, he has no family to turn to in times of crisis. There is my family but, he chooses instead to deal with things himself as he always has. One of his ways of dealing is to go out by himself and just sit at a bar by himself for a few hours. Here is where I wonder if I am being too possessive or clingy...I hate when he does that. I hate when 9pm rolls around and he suddenly springs out of bed where we were calmly watching tv, and he tells me he wants to go out, by himself. Even when I mention how I could also really use getting out of the house for a while, he stops dead in his tracks and says no, he needs to be by himself. Here's where I end up sobbing and yelling at him for leaving me all alone, he knows I have barely any friends, no one to hang out with on last minute notice, and having my occupational licence, I can't just drive to a bar on my own to do something while he's gone. I feel abandoned...and I definitely get separation anxiety.

Last night we argued...he told me how he just really needs this time alone to figure out what is going on with his life. I tell him how I feel abandoned when he leaves me behind. Am I in the wrong? Should I give him this time alone? I know I am very needy...I always want him with me, every night I want to hang out with him and see him and go out to the bars or to a friends with him...never by myself, I don't ever want to go anywhere without him...but, it hurts to hear he is so different, he actually wants to go places without me...

I know he loves me, he truly does, he doesn't even so much as look at other girls so I have no worries of that...this is all just about me and my stupid clingy neediness....is it so wrong or, am I in the right to feel abandoned? I don't know how to get myself to stop feeling abandoned...what can I do? I have been trying to make more local friends but please...being a girl it is VERY hard to go out and try to make friends! All I get are drunk guys, or other girls glaring at me...it sucks...I hope I can find some friends soon!

I don't know what happened...when we first started dating 4 years ago, we were literally completely opposite! I had a ton of friends, a different one each night wanted to hang out and I had to schedule time in just to see my boyfriend. Whereas, he had just gotten out of a horrible relationship where he was used, emotionally abused, and cheated on in the end. Many nights he would lie with me and cry on my shoulder, cry himself to sleep. He was extremely clingy to me...eventually, I sat him down and I told him straight up that he needs to stop being so clingy, that I can't handle it...and...it worked, for him...but now, I feel so stupid! I truly wish he was still the clingy man I fell in love with...I feel stupid for telling him he needs to stop crying, and needs to stop being so clingy. Now I wonder how I would feel if he told me the same thing...well i'd probably just get defensive or something.

Anyhow...anyone else in a similar situation, or go through one? I could really use some guidance, some advice...I am not looking to break up with him so please no replies of "maybe we should part ways". I am really just looking at help for how to help ME get over my neediness, possessiveness, and clinginess.

Thanks!

 

[Warpony]

I had a situation like that once upon a time, but I'm not sure you want to hear about that.

:

All I will say is that no man in a committed relationship with me has any reason at all to go to a bar without me. I'm just about the least jealous person on the planet but going to the bar at 9pm and telling me no I can;t go along would cause all holy heck to break loose in my house. It might be different if he and his buddies were going to shoot pool or something but to just up and go to the bar and say I couldn't go when I wanted to? Nope. Not gonna happen. I'd be pretty upset too.

 

[PaintedPromiseRanch]

seems to me there should be room for compromise? like, sometimes it's ok for you to go with him, and sometimes let him go alone if he needs to? good luck

:

 

[mininik]

Take your own advice, follow your boyfriend's lead and start taking time every day to do things for YOU. Take the dog(s) or Mini(s) for walks, exercise, go shopping, get your hair done, go to lucnh, go out to dinner, go see a movie, get a massage, become active in a club or two. Once your self esteem is repaired you won't feel so bad about your boyfriend taking time out for himself. You'll no doubt meet some new friends along the way. HAVE FUN! Now I'm going to go grab lunch...

My boyfriend MANAGES a bar from 2pm to closing, five days a week.

:

 

[Lisa]

I was in a similar situation. I don't have time to go through it right now (at work), but if you would like my advice, please PM me

 

[Miniv]

Whatever happened to the friends you had four years ago??? Are they still around? If so, give one a call sometimes and arrange to go shopping or have lunch or dinner!

What about activities with the minis? Can you generate some outings with them? Are there other mini owners in your area to get to know?

MA

 

[MiniHoofBeats]

Thanks everyone =)

Warpony - It's funny because he tells me if i'm so freaked out about him going alone that I should send stalkers after him to spy on him and such! He's really open, tells me where he's at, if he goes somewhere else he'll call me right away and let me know, or if he runs into an old high school buddy he calls and tells me so I know he's found a friend to talk with for a while. He tells me all this so if I really wanted to, I could check on him and make sure he's not with some girl but I dont, I trust him and am not concerned about that. I just...wish I would have been invited...every time!

We do compromise, I talked with him about every other day things and we did that for a while but right now...really I guess mostly just the last few days...he's wanted to go by himself because he is trying to deal with his own emotions from losing his best friend, and such. He said we'll go back to hanging out soon, but, can't tell me when "soon" will be...that's the frustrating part for me! Grrr!

I do need to get a life and get out more...especially with winter coming I know I wont be outside with the horses as much as now, which they are my escape right now, if I ever feel lonely I just go out and sit in the pasture with them =) But...well...it's not quite the life of a 22yr old you know, I feel like I should be out with friends, at bars and such, having a social life still. Though right now, nothing beats sitting with my mini's =) !!

My old friends well, it's funny...my high school was huge, my class was about 400 students but oddly, they've all up and gone! Out of state or hours away which is still too far. My closest friends have all had children and they rarely get out of the house (still young babies) so that's just waiting for some random weekend when they can find a babysitter. It's weird how my circle of friends have all flown off in their own directions and i'm left with one good friend, who, has 3 jobs and college too so she's rarely available either...lol...=)

So, i'm just...trying to sit through this...trying to give him space I guess...and hoping for friends soon soon soon! I feel like a pathetic person begging for friends, it's weird, i've never been like this my whole life i've always had a large circle of good friends...what the heck happened...eesh...

 

[mininik]

Why aren't you out doing something about it already? :lol: I'm off to agility class now...

 

[Marty]

You won't like my response so fasten your seatbelt.

When a guy goes out "to think" about his life, usually you know what is coming next, so be prepared.

I think you are way over the top with your clingy to the point you are suffering the guy.

I think you better back off and give him some space in a hurry cause this does not look good.

Crying in bed every time he goes out the door......oh man.........you need to quit that stuff and fast.

Where is your life? You must have more than being so dependant on him; but if you don't, you need one. Get a hobby and some girlfriends and for the love of pete, get to Walmart if nothing else. At your age, what you are doing sitting home crying is just way too out there. Life is passing you by and this is just not right.

A guy is supposed to enhance your life, not consume it.

 

[MiniHoofBeats]

Marty,

In a way though I think you're right...I think he is trying to tell me the best way he knows how that he really does need his own space and I need to get a life...but...it sucks! I don't know what my problem is that I have turned into the clingy one...

Wal mart is always fun =)

 

[Marty]

You need to get off all that serious stuff and put some fun back into your life Girl! Come over. Let Dan take you out and introduce you to some rednecks. They'll show you how to have fun mountain style, cow tipping and snipe hunting and promise you'll never be the same. :bgrin

 

[AppyLover2]

For what my opinion's worth, I agree with Marty. Take it from someone who always depended on someone else for their happiness......it just doesn't work......and it just plain isn't fair to make him responsible for your happiness. Also why would you have to seek friendship in a bar? Surely there's other places to meet people.

 

[Warpony]

For what my opinion's worth, I agree with Marty. Take it from someone who always depended on someone else for their happiness......it just doesn't work......and it just plain isn't fair to make him responsible for your happiness. Also why would you have to seek friendship in a bar? Surely there's other places to meet people.

:aktion033:

I agree with both points.

As far as how open he is with you and telling you where he is and such... now I am REALLY not telling you what happened with me.

: It just rings too many bells.

Marty is right, you crying in bed every time he leaves is a bad thing, but I absolutely can not wrap my head around and accept my SO going to the bar alone and telling me I can't go on the rare occasion I WANT to go. I can see needing space, I think we all need our space, but why the bar? and why alone? Like I said earlier if he was going to shoot pool with a group of his buddies or something that would make sense but I don't blame any woman who gets upset that her boyfriend/husband wants to frequently go to the bar alone at night. This isn't like he has a hobby he likes to do alone like fly fishing or skydiving.

When my ex left I took the time to get to know ME. I took the time to learn to find happiness inside myself, not in others or things (because I'd lost virtually everyone and everything that I thought would bring me happiness). But another thing I learned is how suffocating and stressful it can be when someone else demands that YOU make THEM happy. That was the biggest complaint my ex had, was that no matter what *I* did, it didn't make HIM happy. If you are counting on your boyfriend to make you happy that could very well be too much pressure. It doesn't have to be overt and in your face to be stifling. I still think you have a right to be bothered by the fact he jumps out of bed to go to the bar alone at 9pm.

 

[MiniHoofBeats]

Thanks Marty for the invite, I may have to take you up on that someday! I have always wanted to go cow tipping!!

I just have to clear up that although yes, it sucks that he tells me he wants to go to a bar alone...thing is, he doesn't stop me from whether I drive there myself or not, what stops me is that I currently have an occupational licence...it sucks but I can't drive at night, or rather, I wouldn't be caught dead driving at night after having a drink anyway! He doesn't so much tell me that I "can't" go with him maybe I worded it wrong...he just makes it a point that he really wants to go alone. He tells me to go ahead and check on him (find a friend who would be willing to drive me there first...) if I really feel the need, which I dont...

No bars are not the only place to go lol...but for me right now it's about the only place I like to just go, have a beer, and relax! I hate the roller rink, I hate bowling, I hate golfing, I hate sports so you wont see me at a ball park or whatever...fishing is cool but hard to do without a boat around here. I am sick of the mall...spend too much money at restaurants (yes even Perkins!)...this place is not the place for hangouts! I do happen to have 4 bars within walking distance of my house so, until I get my drivers licence back well...lol...

We are working on this, he's been compromising with me really great like last night he hung out with his 2nd best friend, or maybe now his new best friend...he came home at a decent hour and promised me we'd hang out tonight to make up for his absense last night. He is understanding that I do need more one on one attention from him but I think he's starting to feel better too because i'm giving him more space...reluctantly but...more.

I did happen to find an old friend of mine a couple nights ago, she's being great and offering to hang out with me (or rather I offered that we hang out and she said sure!) So, i'm hoping that friendship rekindles!

Thanks everyone for your support =) And for not telling me the horrors of past relationships...I am trying to work through this, not get more freaked LOL!

 

[Russ]

I'm confused....what is a occupational license?

 

[Miniv]

People with an occupational license are only allowed to drive to and from work. I would assume that if there's a grocery store on your route, you'd be allowed to stop there too?

Anyway, MiniHoofBeats, THAT'S the spirit! Start branching OUT. It's good that you rediscovered an old friend.

Frankly, if I had to come home to a bummed out tear-streaked person, I'd not want to go home! Try to be UPBEAT whenever you can. A cheerful person is pleasant to be around and tends to draw others to them.

MA

 

[MiniHoofBeats]

Oh i'm never bummed out until AFTER he leaves...usually I keep quiet when he says he wants to go out but a couple days ago I just had to sit down and have another talk...and for some reason I can never talk without crying, I think it's a psychological thing (anyone have any tips on how to NOT cry? lol...) but...when he comes home from work around 5:30pm i'm always chipper, upbeat, etc....but I dread knowing that even if we snuggle down to watch TV, he could just as easily be wanting to be alone for a while that same night when there I sit thinking we're going to be spending that time together.

This isn't EVERY night by the way just...bums me out when he leaves!

I am looking forward very much to this weekend, and my old friend invited me over to her house the following weekend as well so there are a couple things already to look forward to doing! I hope she has other people over too so I can continue meeting new people! I am a social butterfly at heart so, it does depress me to find out I have hardly NO friends left.

With an occupational licence you actually can assign yourself up to 60 hours per week to drive, it's not only to and from work. But, I did have to break up hours during the work week in order to give myself a little time during the weekend, but my hours never go past 8pm so I end up not able to drive myself to meet up with anyone who happens to be downtown or to go to a friends house unless I can beg for a ride...I feel so useless, I can't wait for next May to get my privileges back! I definitely learned a BIG lesson

:

 

[Reijel's Mom]

Good luck, minihoofbeats! I hope you can find a social network. To me, few things are more attractive than a positive person who is excited about life and is happy with themselves with or without their significant other around.

I think if you do form some more interests and get some more friends of your own things will come together for you. I know what it's like to suddenly look around and realize that you don't have much of a network left. Scary and it makes ya sad but ya just gotta DO something about it!