To all the mothers out there... ID crisis?

[RainSong]

So, how did all of you deal with being yourself after the kids were born?

I dearly love being "Nathan's Mother", and the same for being "Dave's Wife", but it feels as if that's ALL I am now. I realized it just the last couple of days, though it's been creeping up for awhile. My life is taking care of Nathan, sleep, cleaning, and occasionally cooking. On the days Dave has off, we don't usually do much- every other weekend is grocery weekend for the most part, but other then that it's mostly trying to trade off child care for a full night's sleep... after Dave gets a full night.

I don't really mind the not going out. The only time I'm comfy out and about is with Dave, our SIL (who I hardly ever talk to or see), my best friend, or my step-dad &/or mother. The last three all live in Oregon, so that's no good. I'm not much for strangers- social anxiety disorder and all.

But I don't really have even much that I do just for me. I used to collect Beanie Babies, but that takes too much time & money- haven't collected really since before 2001. I can do a few crafty things- mainly cross stitch & horse shoe dreamcatchers, but the dreamcatchers aren't really worth making unless someone else is buying one (otherwise they'd just sit around gathering dust here) and the cross stitch again takes money. I'd love to learn to quilt, but ... sewing machines = money!

I just can't quite figure out how to keep my identity as me, Charissa- and not be completely subsumed by the mom and wife aspects. Does that even make sense?

 

[minisaremighty]

That's a tough one! I know it's hard for many women. For me, it wasn't an issue. I wanted to be a mom so terribly bad, lost my first pregancy and then felt so blessed when I had my first newborn that I was happy to be nothing but 'Mommy" for a very long time.

I did, however, miss my job that I left to be a full time SAHM, the job and the friends I had there. It took almost 2 years to let that go. But the "me" time didn't really become an issue until my 2nd child became a year old, THEN I needed some me time.

If you want to have your own things that you do for yourself, you will HAVE to make it happen, work it into your schedule. It's so easy to let the baby take over completely. But there are many moms who juggle their hobbies right around their kids. I never even tried when they were younger. I made excuses and just figured I couldn't. Sometimes I look back and regret that I didn't. Even if it's just taking time to exercise, take it. There are many opportunities while he is sleeping, playing quietly, etc.

Hugs!!!!

 

[RainSong]

That's a tough one!  I know it's hard for many women.  For me, it wasn't an issue.  I wanted to be a mom so terribly bad, lost my first pregancy and then felt so blessed when I had my first newborn that I was happy to be nothing but 'Mommy" for a very long time.
There are many opportunities while he is sleeping, playing quietly, etc. 

Hugs!!!!

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Alot of opportunities, definately

I love being a mom- it's actually filled the part of me that felt like I was constantly "waiting" for something. It's something I wouldn't give up for the world now

Sorry to hear you lost your first- I honestly haven't a clue what I would have (or would do now, for that matter) if I'd lost Nathan.. and I do get all scared about that sometimes, for no reason.

 

[minisaremighty]

Nothing in the world quite like being a parent for the first time, is there?? No matter how prepared you think you are, once you actually see that precious face and hold that little life, I don't think you can truly understand how deep a mother's love is.

 

[Marty]

New mommies have so many adjustments to make. Sometimes it is not that easy and we do get to wondering if we are still worth more than the maid and butt wiper. Rest assured that you certainly are! You have just enhanced your life, not lost your identity. You have the most important and precious position in the world.

I never had that problem that you do. Jerry and I aren't party people and we never had much of a night life anyhow. We seem to always be good at just leading a simple life and being comfortable with "home." Actually we never wanted to go out anywhere and leave the babies, and none of our friends we party people either anyhow. We loved taking them everywhere with us. My mom was right next door and a built in babysitter and she always offered to sit anytime, but it would be very rare when we took her up on it. We're still the same way too. Although the boys are all grown up teenagers and have thier own plans, we still have plenty of family time together.

Maybe you can have one day a week that is your designated day just to yourself for some pampering. Get your nails and hair done or just go out shopping at a mall, or take yourself to lunch. You may want to have a girl's night out too. But I'll be willing to bet that you'd be calling home every 5 minutes to check on your baby.

 

[Miniv]

My 24 year old grown foster daughter is going through the same thing you are.......

I think it's the age thing.

By the time Brianna was born I was older than many first time moms.....had "parented" a number of teenage foster kids, had a few miscarrages, had three adoptions fail because the moms changed their minds..... I was READY to be a mom!

So, while Bri Bri was an infant she was my world and my focus. However, the moment she was old enough to go to pre-school, I signed her up. She was only 3 years old. At one level I said it was to help her socialize because she was an only child. At another level, I knew it was also for ME. (She's in 3rd grade now.)

Yes, every mom needs ME time.....and how you choose to use it is up to YOU.

MA

 

[Lisa-Ruff N Tuff Minis]

are you involved in some sort of mommy groups?

I know they were a lifesaver for me. I was a single mom with my oldest and I needed to talk to other adults. SOme of those same moms I met well we did talk baby stuff but we also went out every 2 weeks at first for a moms nite out and then turned to every week was a huge help for me to get out and be a adult even if we did talk about the kids alot

 

[lilhorseladie]

I think you have to have a supportive partner that allows you you time. I have a hard time remembering before kids since I have been a mom since I was 19 years old. One thing that makes me chuckle is around home I am Jerry's wife..around school Jerry is Mrs. MacDonald's husband. I have my own identity there. I still feel the need for me time and I don't get it very often since hubby is on the road two weeks at a time. When he is home, he wants me here too, so getting by myself doesn't happen. Right now, when I leave for work, I take three kids with me, I teach one of them three hours a day and then I bring them all home, so just me time, alone time...I don't get it, but I do relish those minutes after bed time when the house is quiet and I am "almost" alone.

 

[Miss_Fortune]

I know you love being with your family, but I also know how crazy it can make you. Have you gone out with your friends at all? Even if you take Nathan with you, it will be good to get out of the house with some of your friends. It can help alot to talk to someone else. And if you have other mother friends im sure they will understand completely and would also love to get out with some friends. I went out with me mom for lunch early on. It helped alot to just get out of the house. I still had my daughter with me, but I also got to talk to someone. Im not sure what else to tell you. If I think of anything, Ill let you know. Good Luck!

 

[RainSong]

I actually think part of the problem may be the fact that there's no relief, really. It's me and Dave and Nathan, nothing and no one else. I'm not part of any groups, and only know one other mother (my SIL, who works -alot-) aside from my own.

It could also just be that my meds aren't working right, or I'm PMS'ing LOL I don't know- it seems strange to me now that I'm so entirely happy to be his mother, and so dearly love him and Dave... but just want something of my own.

It sort of scares me too- I'm afraid that in becoming Nathan's mom... I'll end up JUST that, and only that. I'll no longer be anything but Nathan's Mom and Dave's Wife.

Does that even make any sense? I feel guilty and selfish for wanting to buy something just for me. I don't want to go out and party or anything (and never really have)... but I'd love some time where I'm not washing dishes, cleaning, sleeping, or listening for Nathan. At the same time, I feel I can't complain- Dave does give me short breaks from baby care when he can.

And over all, I know he's growing so fast! I can't stand the thought of leaving him with anyone but his daddy (and Dave feels the same way LOL). So then I feel bad for everything all over again, because I feel like I should be even more grateful for every precious second...

Then comes the time when I realize I still check multiple times a day while he sleeps just to be sure he's breathing- and if I can't tell, my heart seems to skip a beat till I see him inhale.

You have it right, minisrmighty.. until you've given birth to that little one, you just can't tell. I helped raise my neice and nephew, and while I loved them deeply it was a very pale ghost of what I feel now.

 

[nootka]

I think the emotions you are experiencing are all very normal and will even out. After all, you are still very close to the experience of pregnancy and birth and the physiological effects of the hormones as well as they emotional ones!

There is nothing like being a mother, and it has consumed me at times, as well, to where I don't know who I am sometimes, but I know "I" am still here, just growing up along with my kids.

Do enjoy it, don't worry for yourself, and DO find some time or pursuit to concentrate on for your own enjoyment when you can. My family is very much like yours in that we have very little extended family, and very few people that we trust to leave our little ones with while we go do something "out."

The answers will come soon enough...

Liz M.

 

[littlehorse2]

I know how you feel. I was fine after my daughter was born (I was 22). Then my son was born and he was sick all the time (I was 25). Just recently I ended up having a melt down. You see my husband works 6-7 days a week from 6:30 am to 7-8 pm. The kids hardly ever see him, but we need the money. Where we live it takes 1/2 hr. to 45 min to get anywhere. I can't get a juob because my money would go straight to gas and daycare. I tried rinning a daycare for a while, but only had 1-2 kids at a time. Spent more money than I was getting in.

I'm still having a hard time with things and I don't get much me time at all. I used to be able to go do the horses myself, but now that it's crunch time where my husband work I don't. That was my 1-2 hours a day to relax and I haven't had that in a couple of months.

Alls I can say is tell your hubby you need time when he gets home for yourself. You could take a long bath with sented candles, take a walk, write in a journal. I know how the money thing effects you. I'm restricted from going out with freinds or myself. There are days that I just tell my husband that he can't work on Saturday or Sunday because I've had a streeful week with the kids. He's said on dome ocassions that he's tired too from work, I just tell hime that if he doesn't do this I could crak and he doesn't want that.

Hope this helps.

Christy

 

[Shelley]

Don't worry - this is pretty normal IMO.

I was 43 when our son (1st and only) was born. I had worked full time for 25 years and was pretty much used to coming and going as I pleased for a very long time. I had every intention of returning to work, but didn't. So life as I knew it came to a screeching halt and changed totally.

All those offers of "we babysit!" made by friends and family disappeared once the baby actually arrived.

I can remember the feeling that everybody else's world was going on all around me, everybody came and went while I was in this house with my world stopped except for evolving around the baby. I can remember the day Greg went back to work, and he came home at lunchtime and I was sitting in the living room with our son, still in my robe and crying because I couldn't see us ever getting back into any kind of a routine again.

The biggest thing was that having quit my job I had somehow lost part of my identity. People would ask "what do you do?" and to say "I'm a stay at home mom!" just was so strange!

But now our son just turned 5 on Sunday, and I am PROUD to say I am a stay at home mom! And you know what - as time goes on, things do go back to "normal". And as they do, you will find yourself again.

My life changed, but is not just Ty and Greg, it is the horses and the dogs, and other things I like to do. We still don't have babysitters, but we just take Ty with us...he's grown up at dog shows, and now horse shows, and whatever else we do, he goes along and it's all been very good for him.

Trust me...it will all be ok.

Shelley

 

[minisaremighty]

You have it right, minisrmighty.. until you've given birth to that little one, you just can't tell. I helped raise my neice and nephew, and while I loved them deeply it was a very pale ghost of what I feel now.

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It definitely IS special. But I don't think it's reserved just for those of us lucky enough to give birth.

I have two very long time friends who couldn't conceive and they both adopted. Even though they didn't give birth to their little girls, they both fell in love with them instantly. That kind of love you can only know when you are given the gift of a child, no matter how that child comes to you.

I do completely understand where you are coming from. My hubby and I are both very much "homebodies." Never have done much with friends or anything. So when I needed time, I just didn't have a clue what to do with myself (that didn't cost much, if any, money, as we had none (still don't! LOL!

). I eventually decided to brave it and go to a movie by myself. It was weird at first. But the 2nd time I did it, I felt good about it and was happy I was there and didn't even call home once!

You'll figure it out as time goes by what will work for you.

Don't forget though, that being Nathan's mom and Dave's wife really ARE important things. What would they do without you!

 

[minimama]

For me it was easy. I had made the decision years before having my first that when the time came to raise children I would give me up. Just for the years of them being home and being raised, when they were older and more independant I would worry about being me again. I loved this because it gave me the opportunity to totally devote myself to being MOM. I now have one in college and two in high school and am just now starting to do things that are for me. It is great, no guilt, just fun! No struggles, no worries. perfect!

 

[Marty]

You are still a very new mother and what you are feeling I think is quite normal. I think you are young also aren't you?

I had PP depression and understand that I actually grew fangs and claws.

Somewhere in all this I sense that you are very tired too. Don't forget that you get to nap when the baby naps so do take advantage of that ok? You may want to set a timer near you in case you happen to fall into a deep sleep just in case the baby wakes up. I too was always running in the nursery checking for a heartbeat. I think so much of this stuff is very normal. I didn't want people coming over because I was afraid that they would spread germs to my baby and I never took them out like into a store or mall until they were 6 weeks old as my doctor suggested wasn't healthy for them to be exposed in public that young either. Over protective? Well......maybe. But we surely survived.

Don't know why you are on meds but you may want to confide in your doctor too about your feelings and see if there is any adjustment needed.

When I was given a baby shower, some of my friends brought presents for ME, not just for the baby! I was very surprised about that and they told me that sometimes the focus gets so much on the baby that everyone seems to really forget about the mommy! I think that is very true and i was thankful for thier thoughtfulness. Don't feel guilty about buying yourself a little gift every now and then. You deserve it!

Don't be afraid to ask for help or support either. Everyone always could use a little help from their friends.

 

[capall beag]

Everyone's reaction is different and for some people the adjustment is greater than for others.

As a mother of 3 the best advice would be find a passion and pursue it. It will benefit you, your husband and baby Nathan if you feel fulfilled and complete. Like my husband says "If Momma is happy, everyone id happy!".

I am a stay home mom and my husband is self employed and often works 7 days a week and that's life! This will not change! So I don't set myself up to be upset by this as this is our reality. However, I love animals and for me this is my out when I feel overwhelmed or have forgotten who I am!

For me even 5 minutes in the barn or a 10 minute walk alone with my dogs brings everything into propective.

In January, I started walking 2.5 miles a day. I walk after the kids are in bed, in the pitch dark in New England weather but for me it is like therapy. I walk my dogs and have time to think and reflect, now I couldn't do without that 45 minutes to myself!

My friends thing I am crazy when I tell them I walk in snowstorms, my reply, the very reason I am not crazy is because I take the time for myself!!

Early days of being first time Mom can bring out all sorts of emotions, I hope you can find something that will fulfil you as a person aside from being Mom and wife.

Just remember you are not alone, it can be hard!

 

[nootka]

capall beag, you said it better than I could!

Liz M.

 

[nootka]

I also wanted to add that if you do get moved out here to the NW, maybe we can hook up and hang out together or visit at the horse shows (I can always use an extra hand, or just moral support). (RainSong, though the same goes for any of ya.)

Liz M.

 

[RainSong]

I also wanted to add that if you do get moved out here to the NW, maybe we can hook up and hang out together or visit at the horse shows (I can always use an extra hand, or just moral support). (RainSong, though the same goes for any of ya.)

Liz M.

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Oh wow... thanks

(add an exclimation there- my keyboard will no longer produce them due to water damage LOL). We're actually looking HARD at finding a way to get back home now that we have Nathan- for alot of reasons.

I'm on meds for Post partum depression/bi-polar disorder. Mostly just for the PPD at the moment, since that just came out and caused me to have a major breakdown right after we brought Nathan home- I was posting about that when it happened, but I don't think it came across just how bad it was. I'm actually very very very scared to go off the meds when my 4 months of treatment are up because of how bad it was

Anyways, things are a little better now. Thanks to hormones (Who'd have thunk I'd be happy for PMS?), I hauled off and just got downright peeved OFF with my husband last night, and we ended up having a bit of a talk.

Seems alot of the problem was simply the fact that i'm caring for Nathan 95% of the time- and when hubby was up in the evenings and weekends, alot of the time I'd end up having very little relief because he'd hand Nathan off to me. Now, it's not entirely his fault- holding Nathan is causing Dave incredible amounts of pain. Nathan is/has aggravated his carpal tunnel syndrome to the point that he now has continual numb spots in his hands/fingers, etc

But even he admitted he was "taking advantage of me" (HIS words, not mine). I really should b**ch at him to do things more. I just got to the point where it was easier to off and do it myself, and not wait. He does work and supports us all on his own- but I also don't expect him to do tons. Just some stuff...

It's also a little bit based on the fact that I have no way to make money. And I'd dearly love to buy things for Nathan and Dave (and myself

), without worrying about the bills and rent and junk. Heck, I'd even love to help pay bills (blasted broken key... imagine an exclimation there ). Keep pondering something Marty suggested once, but I've no clue how it could be done.

I think I also missed my PPD meds a day or two there, and that makes me get a bit weird. >.>

Anyways, I'm doing better then I was- and feeling better, since hubby took Nathan off my hands this morning and evening. The last two nights were low sleep amount nights- Nathan just hasn't slept well since the day of and the day after he got his 2 month shots. Probably because he slept so blasted much those two days- it threw our (well, his) little schedule right out the window.

I should get my hiney off to the bedroom and try to sleep before Nathan wakes again. Luckily the weather is cooling off, so perhaps we'll all be more comfy and better off tomorrow.

Take care, and thanks everyone- your all wonderful, and I honestly can't explain how nice it is to be able to post here and here from you all.

PS- I'm pondering talking to hubby about getting a dog- landlord or not. Then I'd HAVE to go walking, and I'd have a companion other then just Nathan