That is not babysitting.

[RainSong]

Alright. Before we moved back to Oregon from Ohio, my mother kept mentioning how, if we returned, we'd have someone to watch Nathan sometimes.

Yea, I know, we live with her and stuff. It's not the same as living down the street and calling her up and saying "Hey, can you watch Boo?" sometimes. But you know, even if that's how it was.... I wouldn't have her watch him unless we had to.

I don't mind that she can't pick him up. He's heavy, I accept that. Not a problem.

What I do mind is her wandering off into the garage to have a smoke and read her book when she is the only one in the same area as Nathan- thus removing her from 98% of site range, and most of the hearing range. She does this and will stay out there for 15 minutes or more at a time... while Nathan eats, or is loose. Now, she knows full well he goes out the doggy door. She also knows full well he adores the pond that is deeper then he is tall. She's said "We're going to have to fence that." and "We're going to fence the pond." ... but guess what is still not fenced? And then there are the other assembled bits and pieces scattered around back there. HUGE yard. Several vehicles, a shed (which he could easily get into) full of this that and another, tools of various sorts, wood, glass, etc... and the uh, "end results" of two dogs.

And she wonders why I don't just let him run back there? How -hard- is it to put the toddler fence up to block him from going out for the time she's not in the living room? Or to wait till he's done eating before she goes out and lights up?

Yea, I am not perfect. I take showers in the morning with him loose and no one to watch... and the gate up so he can't get to the doggy door. Don't do it while he's eating- I refuse to, unless someone else is with him.

Am I just overly paranoid or something? I go get in the shower after telling her "Hey, I'm gonna go grab a shower" (how clear is it that I am -not- going to be able to watch him, due to this?), and I come out and he's all alone in the living room. Meanwhile in the shower I'm almost giving myself a panic attack at the end, thinking of him getting into that darnable pond...

Before anyone asks, I rarely shower in the morning anymore. Nine times out of ten, I wait till he's in the crib for his nap. She's never asked to watch him anymore, partly because she doesn't stay in the room (And can be exceptionally deaf while reading, which she often does while smoking), and partly because even asking her to watch him for fifteen minutes... we get this passive aggressive "I guess" which we all know means "I don't want to, but since I have to to make you people happy, I guess I don't have a choice, do I?"

Yep. Apparently watching Nathan is akin to removing one's own arm with a dull spoon to the people in this household.

It's just another thing- I'm not doing well in the head I'll admit, but this and the sense of not being able to do anything right or do enough (Yes! I'm the only one who does some of the cleaning (and most the cooking anymore)... but it's NOT ENOUGH! I am a lazy bum!), is just getting to be too much.

We're stuck, too, until at least February- That's when Dave's contract is over and he gets to try to find a different/better job that has him home more. Come Christmas, we get to cram my sister, her husband, her three kids (11, 9, & 1 year) in here for probably a week or maybe even two. That's along with me, my brother, my mother, my step-dad, Nathan, Dave (for a week), and the two not at all tiny dogs (the 3 cats aren't a problem...).

I'm already pretty stressed, too. It's gonna be lovely. o.o

I swear, I need a vacation... even if it -IS- one with Boo!

 

[The Simple Life Farm]

Just try to take it one day at a time.

From the other side of the coin.... My MIL lived with us for 3 months, it does stress a relationship. My husband and I had our routine, and 1 more person in the house makes a huge difference. I am sure this has been hard on your mother as well. It has changed her lifestyle too. Remember, that you are ultimately responsible for your son, not your mother. Just try to deal with the situation for the next few months, and not ruin your relationship at the same time. I know when you get stressed, people knit pick the smallest things. Good luck, and enjoy having your family close during the holidays, some aren't that fortunate.

Kelly

 

[Marty]

Your post got me very riled up so I won't go into details other than to tell you when you take a shower, bring Nathan in the bathroom with you and close the door. You can just imagine what I am thinking about the rest of it.

 

[RainSong]

Marty- you're probably being nicer then I am about it.

Addicted to Minis- Pardon if I come across as rude here, I haven't anything left to sugarcoat with.

I know full well Nathan is my responsibility. I have no issues with that. I don't ask anyone to watch him anymore- haven't for 6+ months, except for the 15 minutes it takes me to grab a shower. I have NO TIME to myself. Time is always with Nathan, or with my Mother/brother/step-dad. I don't even ask for the 15 minute shower time daily.... it is once a week when I dodge into the shower on the weekends while she's home- and it's not even every weekend. I even switched to using the downstairs bathroom just so I could freeze my tush off by leaving the door open to still be able to hear Nathan. Guess from now on it's waiting till he's down for a nap, or after he goes to bed at night, period.

I'll be blunt guys. I am not doing well. Nathan is the only thing keeping me going anymore.

.... I had a lot more written here, but I think it's probably better to not post that...

I'll add an amusing note though. After I switched bathrooms, Nathan spent mornings now and again yelling to me- "HEEYYYYY!" ... and I'd yell back. It was like a toddler's version of Marco Polo.

Quick Edit: You know, if my mother would say "I don't really want to watch Nathan while you shower", I'd wait. She never says a word... and I announce I'll be taking a shower at least five times before I actually go and do it.

 

[Steph_D]

Wow. A few short years ago, I was almost exactly where you are. My husband went through truck driving school when our oldest daughter was about 6 months old. I was trying to do it all by myself. I was also in a downward spiral and had no clue how to get out of it. I will tell you that money is not the fix. It will help to get you out of the situation that you're in with where you live, but that's it. There is no perfect trucking company. Not Schneider, and definately not the last few that my hubby's drove for, and he's got 10+ years of driving under his belt. Truck drivers are NOT rich, contrary to popular belief. My hubby's miles have been really bad over the last 6 months. He keeps getting promised a "good" load that never comes. His latest is a whopping 500 miles. That don't make the car payment, much less fix the car. We're in the process of looking at other options, as well. If your hubby doesn't like being away from home and if you don't like him being away, then trucking is probably not the job for him to have. You'll all be miserable. We're a natural born trucking family, but not all are like that. There are other jobs that require a CDL, that your hubby could apply for and he'd be home every night. He'd be tired, but he'd be home. Some that my hubby have done are route driver (for a cola company). The hours were awful. He was gone 14+ hours a day and exhausted when he was home. But the money was good. He was also a "yard" driver for a poultry company here in town. The pay was AWFUL and he was treated like crap most of the time, but he was close enough to come home for lunch. Stay away from seasonal work like cement trucks. You can't pour cement very well when it's raining, but you still have to eat.

Sorry, I can't help on the babysitter issue. My mom and MIL both live within 20 minutes of us and we haven't had a babysitter in several years. We've been told any excuse from "She's still in diapers" to "Your sister needs time alone with her husband more than you". We're always next in line for the babysitting, but it never comes. And our kids are pretty good girls

Seriously, if you'd like to chat, please don't hesitate to PM me. I can give you tips on helping your hubby to save money on the road. Truck stop food is probably one of his biggest expenses. My hubby rarely eats in a truck stop, but he doesn't have an expensive set-up. I can also try to help with saving money at home, while he's gone and when he comes home.

Take care. I do hope that it gets better for you. Reading your post gave me goose bumps because I've been where you're at, mentally as well

It's not the best place to be.

 

[Just Us N Texas]

Now, I know this is not what you really want to hear, but I am going to play devil's advocate here! Your Mom has raised her kids, and she is probably a little tired from it. I am sure she is making sacrifices to have you and Nathan there with her. If she is stepping into the garage and smoking and reading, she feels this is her time. I mean in her own house, she has to step out and smoke and read. She has raised her own kids, and is more relaxed about the whole thing, than a mother with an only child. She knows all the pitfalls, but probably thinks the chances of anything happening in a short time are pretty low. Mothers of multiple children (especially after they're grown) have a way of relaxing their vigilance, somewhat. She is probably watching him out of the corner of her eye. Also, instead of telling Mom you are going to take a shower, try asking her. How about, "Mom, I feel the need for a shower, but I am afraid Boo will get into something while I do, would you mind keeping an eye on him for 15 minutes, or would you rather I waited till you had a smoke first? " I know how it feels to have the kids in your care constantly. Talk it over with your Mom how hemmed in you're feeling, and if she is less than sympathetic, could you not find a church, friend, whatever, to leave him for a couple of hours? There used to be a church in our hometown that had a "Mommy's Day Out", program that would watch kids short term for the express reason to get Mom some down time. Not many hours, just 2-4 hours at a stretch. I am not trying to be harsh, and hope it doesn't come across as such, just trying to find a solution for you and your Mom.

 

[Magic]

I don't have any advice for you, but I do want to commiserate. I know how hard it is to feel isolated and have the heavy responsibility of raising young children. You feel like your life is not your own sometimes, that you exist only for taking care of the babies. Everyone needs a break once in a while, and it can be really tough when you just can't have even a few minutes to yourself.

Please do what you need to do in order to get a break and feel more refreshed for your mothering duties. Maybe some of the visiting family can babysit a bit when they are there for Christmas? Hopefully there are other options for you as well. After all, mothering is the most important job in the world.

I hope that things get easier for you soon!! Good luck!!

 

[Danielle_E.]

I am also going to play devil's advocate because I as a grandmother am living the total opposite at the moment.

First may I suggest that if this is the way your mother is, then take a shower in the evening when the little one is asleep. That way you won't be as stressed out. I have no idea what the "arrangements" are between you and your mom as far as you being under her roof and if you are doing the cooking and cleaning instead of paying any room/board/food, etc. etc. Perhaps that is the understanding that you do not pay anything but that the arrangement is for you to do some of the cooking and cleaning?

Now, as I said my situation is opposite. I have a 5 year old grandaughter (my daughter's) who lives with us. My husband built them a seperate apartment, 2 bedrooms, kitchen, living room, dinning area, full bathroom.... My daughter is a single mom (28 years old) and works a variance of hours. The earliest she usually gets home is around 6:30 or later. I work a full time job.

I usually head out around 6:45 am. in the morning for my commute to work - work till 4:15 and head home. Pick-up Makayla at the daycare. Get home and run out to the barn to bring horses in and feed (nobody in my house helps whatsoever with the horses, except my husband does build what is required...) Run back into the house and prepare dinner for Makayla (husband usually doesn't want to eat until much later). Oh yes, my 27 year old son also still lives at home. The only one not at home is my 30 years old son. After dinner, if my daughter is home, Makayla doesn't come with me to the barn but if Natalie is not coming home till 8:00 or later than she comes with me. I clean stalls..... Come in draw a bath for Makayla, get her ready for bed. Out of 4 weeks in a month this takes place 3 weeks in a month. Now there have been many instances where my daughter will call me when she gets out of work that day and says "Keith and I are going to a movie"... or something else. Now I certainly don't begrudge her having her time to herself, not easy being a single parent but it would be nice to perhaps have some warning in case I had plans. I love my grandaughter and daughter dearly but I do have to say at 51 years of age I never dreamt I would be basically raising a second family. I had my children early in life thinking I would still be young when they left home to do the things I like to do. I am glad I still have the energy to keep up with Makayla,

. Natalie pays no rent, no food costs, etc. She does however help out in house cleaning once in awhile but what I find difficult is that of course Makayla is with us most of the time (not in their apartment) and have toys all OVER the place which I find difficult at the end of the day when I am very tired, to start picking-up after her..... to me that should not be my job at all. I have enough to do myself.

As I said I don't know what type of arrangements you have with your mom but perhaps you could sit down with her and tell her what you told us here and see if you can come to some kind of agreement. I know if I were you I would be VERY upset about the "pond". As far as showers go you can change your schedule which will make you feel better without feeling like you have to "beg" for her to watch him for a few minutes.

 

[StellaLenoir]

is there any way you could take one room, and make it completly kid safe? then get a gate for that room and make that Nathans space? That way he can be in there when you take showers or grandma needs a smoke break. A hall way would even work if you gated both ends. Make it really fun with toys and fun kid stuff on the walls, and he may love having his own play space.

Good luck, being stuck with a small child when you see no way out to change or grow is very hard. I was very depressed after my 3rd. She was a very VERY hard baby, and my last 2 were only 17 months apart. I was stuck home all the time, with no help. At one point I was so bad I wanted to give my kids away. It does get better.

Try to focus on small things you CAN change. I found that even a change of paint color can sometimes help. It makes me feel like at least SOMETHING is different.

And the showers, trust me, sometimes I scare myself with how gross I am. It always seem like the last thing on my list is MY shower. It is sad when you can not honestly remember when you last washed your hair. OH!

 

[heart k ranch]

I have old pictures were I had my own room with all kinds of toys! I turned out to be real indepentant because that!

My little brother hated the toy room and didn't like staying by himself!

 

[RainSong]

Heart K - Our goal is to end up in a two bedroom place, so Nathan can have his own room. It'd be soooo nice- I wouldn't have to worry about waking him up when I go to bed, and I'd be able to curl up in bed and read on those few nights I have the time and inclination, without possibly waking him up.

Let me lay it out for you guys, here.

This vent is just a tiny tip of the iceberg, here. Now that I'm a little better off mentally, I think maybe I can explain things.

First, when we moved back, we were not expecting to stay this long. We wouldn't have, either, if a lot of bad luck had slapped us around at the beginning of the year. We're finally getting out of the mess from all that bad luck, but now the home life is getting BAD. Dave's looking for local work that requires a CDL once he finishes his contract- the company he is with will NOT release any employment info, PERIOD, until his contract is over. They won't even say "Yes, he works for us." Ain't that a kick in the teeth?

When we first moved in, we were supposed to pay $250 a month. My brother is supposed to pay the same, and never pays- in fact, my mother pays a lot of his bills while he's off buying games & game systems- he bought a Wii when it was brand new, and recently bought a Playstation Portable - has bought 2 computers and a new laptop in the last ... two years. All this, and he can't pay rent, apparently. He is the sainted one. Anything he does wrong has an excuse, or at most.... an eyeroll and a sigh.

We kept a running tab of what we were supposed to pay, even when we couldn't. We paid her $1000 from our tax return- it didn't cover it all, but covered a good chunk. Yes, she helped us out A LOT when we first came back, and I was fine with things.

Now back in June we tried to move out. Nathan and I did NOT adjust well- and in hindsight we couldn't have afforded it anyways. She said we had to pay $400 now. We couldn't say no, we had no place else to go! We haven't been able to pay that either, because we're still climbing out of the hole caused by previous employers. We pay what we can, and she's said - without prompting- that it's a good faith payment. At least we're trying. When we moved in, she went on and on about "Now, you live here too, so you have to help out and do chores too!"

Now, that's the bare bones. We're paying $400 for one room, and some storage space. While all the food we get ($200 a month) is pretty much the only food brought into the house. If I don't make dinner, most of the time... there won't -be- dinner. If I don't unload the dishwasher, it doesn't get done. Same with vaccuming, despite the fact that I have made it abundantly clear that it causes me pain- my hands can't handle it.

Please, tell me why I am the one who's cleaning up after the dogs and cats... who aren't mine? I stopped watering the dogs... now they don't -get- watered. If not for the pond, they'd dehydrate (actually, that's not true... I'd be watering them still if not for the pond).

Nothing I do is good enough anymore. I'm wrong, or it's not good enough. From my parenting to my organization of the kitchen to the way I clean up and fold towels! And yet my saintly and abusive brother gets away with anything. Where is the "You live here too, so you have to help out" line now? Only applies to me, I suppose. I could do more cleaning then I do, yes, but I -am not- the lazy little &*^&% they seem to believe I am- even when I was doing all the work, they still said it- I know, I've heard them talking when they think my half deaf self can't hear them. It hurts.

Yes, I have use of my mother's computer desk, and have some stuff downstairs- precious little of it. Talking to them only gets denials - "Oh no! Shayne and I have vaccumed!" ... I wondered if I should point out that my mother, who said that, has vaccumed all of twice since I moved in... in TWO years?

All she does is load the dishwasher. My brother takes out the trash... sometimes. She feeds her dogs (Finally... I stopped doing that, too), refills the cat's water fountain and food dish - both extra large to avoid having to do so often.

I can't, apparently, live up to her perfection. Meanwhile, I'm waiting for my brother to loose it- he has toed the line of going too far and hurting Nathan, and if he does god help us all. He's hurt me before, is STILL emotionally and verbally abusive towards me- and I admit he scares the crap out of me. He's a foot taller and 100+ pounds heavier. But because Nathan is an easier target (he gets into stuff, etc, as all toddlers do), Nathan may end up being hurt. At which point, I might end up that way as well, because god help me, he'll be sorry.

Fifteen minutes twice to four times a month is not a lot of time- half an hour to an hour. She cannot keep an eye on Nathan while sitting in the middle of the garage- unless she's somehow leaving her eyes outside said garage. I will not be trusting her watch him anymore, period- He's gotten out while she has watched him before. I mention needing a shower five times before finally going in. I can ask till I'm blue if she minds watching him, she never says no. I get out... she's off smoking. ... Can't it wait ten more minutes?

... Didn't she just -finish- smoking an hour ago?! ... sometimes not even that...

Honestly, a lot of it is just too much of each other. We need out, and we need out bad. I am spending more time seriously PO'd lately, or about to cry then is healthy- and what time isn't spent on either of those is spent apathetic and exhausted. I am worn out from constantly having people ticked off at me for not doing things they think I should do, when they don't do much of anything... or for reasons I don't even know. It was NEVER an agreement that I do all the chores AND pay rent.

The only time I'm even somewhat happy is when it's just me and Nathan- a rare few hours a few times a week. Speak of the devil, he just came up to sit on my lap while I type. Yea, I get frustrated with him, I get tried of his misbehaviors and screeching. But he's my angel, and the only thing keeping me going anymore.

I remember now, why I was such a hermit when I lived here before I moved out on my own. I also remember now, some half hour plus later, that I had chicken nuggets in the oven for Nathan's lunch...

Breaded charcoal chicken nuggets, anyone?

 

[StellaLenoir]

Meanwhile, I'm waiting for my brother to loose it- he has toed the line of going too far and hurting Nathan, and if he does god help us all. He's hurt me before, is STILL emotionally and verbally abusive towards me- and I admit he scares the crap out of me. He's a foot taller and 100+ pounds heavier. But because Nathan is an easier target(he gets into stuff, etc, as all toddlers do), Nathan may end up being hurt.At which point, I might end up that way as well, because god help me, he'll be sorry.

Ok, if you are fearfull for your childs safty you need to leave! Go to a shelter or a freinds. Please, pm if you need help.

 

[nootka]

You DO need to get out of there. I don't know how, just please contact your local mental health organization as it sounds as though you are quite depressed and your family is at risk because of your living situation as well as the pressure heaping up on you.

I hope things change and you can all afford to move away, and SOON. I wish that you were closer because I know I could manage to watch Nathan a few times a week if nothing else.

PM if you want to talk, or give me your phone #, I have free long distance.

Liz

 

[Elsa]

it almost sounds like they're doing whatever they can to make you miserable. Either way, it's a very unhealthy situation, so do whatever you can to get out! Are there friends nearby that you can stay with or maybe other relatives?

 

[RainSong]

Meanwhile, I'm waiting for my brother to loose it- he has toed the line of going too far and hurting Nathan, and if he does god help us all. He's hurt me before, is STILL emotionally and verbally abusive towards me- and I admit he scares the crap out of me. He's a foot taller and 100+ pounds heavier. But because Nathan is an easier target(he gets into stuff, etc, as all toddlers do), Nathan may end up being hurt.At which point, I might end up that way as well, because god help me, he'll be sorry.

Ok, if you are fearfull for your childs safty you need to leave! Go to a shelter or a freinds. Please, pm if you need help.

Not in immediate fear- my brother is, for the moment, doing fine. It's finals time again though. When he gets stressed, his temper becomes nasty- if he starts getting bad I'm going to attempt to make him see how bad he's getting. And as my husband said "If he lays one hand on our son like that, call 911 or the police."

Liz- You've no idea how much I wish we were closer

See, the only friends I've got are online... or an hour plus away. They live in Beaverton, and are the same friends I tried to move in with before. They need to move, as they can no longer afford the apartment they've got- and so they aren't an option.

We'll have insurance- actual full insurance- at the end of the month. I'm going to try to find a way to get myself in to see several Dr's as I've needed to for ages. However, I'm betting it won't do a lick of good (except maybe more medication *sigh*).

I plan to call our caseworker with the county and see if we can do low income housing, but we may end up not qualifying. Dave thinks we can afford $600 a month easy, I don't. He also keeps forgetting that after the holidays, the long-haul pay often bottoms out some because there's less shipping going on.

Here's hoping. I know I can hold on- I don't have a choice

But here's just hoping things DO get better. Soon!

Hey Liz... d'you know what rents on apartments are like up there? I've been talking with Dave- think I actually have him realizing that it may be easier for us to buy/finance a manufactured home, and eventually get land or something... no clue. I'd just be happy to get -out-.

 

[nootka]

I know that affordable housing is difficult around here. The town has a lot of very low income stuff that's already taken up, and then you have the very expensive. I could look in the paper and let you know what's available.

Are you eligible for Oregon Health Plan by any chance?

Oh, and I cleaned out my attic and found a lot of leather/suede/fur and large steel and brass rings (when I used to make dreamcatchers), some feathers and such and wondered if you'd be interested though I know you're probably overwhelmed, I thought of you when I decided to get rid of it in the interest of space knowing that if I DO get back to crafting or something it will more than likely be drawing/painting/sculpting or beading, not dreamcatchers.

I could see about shipping it to you, possibly.

Liz

 

[RainSong]

I know that affordable housing is difficult around here. The town has a lot of very low income stuff that's already taken up, and then you have the very expensive. I could look in the paper and let you know what's available.

Are you eligible for Oregon Health Plan by any chance?

Oh, and I cleaned out my attic and found a lot of leather/suede/fur and large steel and brass rings (when I used to make dreamcatchers), some feathers and such and wondered if you'd be interested though I know you're probably overwhelmed, I thought of you when I decided to get rid of it in the interest of space knowing that if I DO get back to crafting or something it will more than likely be drawing/painting/sculpting or beading, not dreamcatchers.

I could see about shipping it to you, possibly.

Liz

My sister may be- she does the more traditional style round brass-based dreamcatchers. I'll ask her wehn she comes down for Christmas. The suede could be interesting if I could find a way to add it.

And nope, we don't qualify for OHP- we've technically had insurance this whole time Dave has been driving, but it's "bridge" insurance... it covers NOTHING unless it's an emergency. So we're stuck with a $450 bill from the pediatrician for Nathan's shots and all -.- They'll have to be happy with $10 a month for awhile. Nathan can be covered by OHP- I need to fill out the paperwork, as his coverage is about to end.

Please do look in the paper... I'm starting to think St. Helens may be a better choice- but then I have my mother naysaying it- "Oh it's far away from everything" or "Horrible traffic!!" ...