New Mom for 8 and 10 year old

[wade3504]

I have been with my new family for a couple of months now. Even before we were together my new daughter does not want to bother keeping anything clean. We told both children that if their rooms weren't clean we would take the stuff that wasn't where it belonged for a period of time as punishment and eventually give it back. Recently we gave their stuff back-as they had lost quite a bit. My new son put his stuff away where it belongs. My daughter took the bags and stuffed them in her closet. I am to the point now where the stuff I took she must not really care about because she did this. I want to give the stuff to someone who would appreciate it. They both have too much stuff and she is always wanting more. My son is happy with what he has. So, should I give her yet another chance or do I find homes for the items she doesn't care about? As I found this stuff in the closet I found clothes everywhere-under the bed, in the closet, some stuffed in the bags of stuff I had given back to her, art stuff under bed, toys under bed, etc. I feel also that she has more clothes than she needs and want to weed some of those out. So what do you all think. I have experience with children as a preschool teacher but not living with them 24/7. I don't know how to break the bad habit. Her father and I keep our things clean as an example to her but that doesn't help either. So what to do?

 

[Aristocratic Minis]

It sounds to me that she is having difficulty adjusting to her new situation. This may be a reaction to it. Instead of being outwardly angry or mouthy to you, she is being passively aggressive.

Not caring about things is a sign of depression. She may have a lot of things to work through at this time. Try to be calm. Try to be understanding. I know it must be hard for you as a "new" parent.

If it were me, I'd back off and let her father deal with a lot of it at this point.

 

[wade3504]

She's always been this way. I am just trying to break the habit now. Right now she is mouthy and back talks as well but I do understand with that that she is testing me and seeing what buttons she can push. She does the same with her father and actually listens to me better.

She had lived with her father in her grandparents house before and her grandmother had the same problem with her as far as keeping her stuff clean and told me good luck.

 

[txminipinto]

I'm sorry I don't know the back story. Did you marry into a family or are these children adopted?

Our son is adopted and we had issues with him not taking care of stuff and putting things away correctly. We did what you are doing now, taking it away for a certain length of time and then returning. Unfortunately, children in his situation have never had anything nice so sometimes they really don't care if it gets taken away and then returned. What cured him was when I took a very favorite toy that he loved but left out in the livingroom and threw it away. YUP, in the garbage, GONE. That woke him up and now he takes much better care of his belongings. We still have some issues but its much better.

 

[wade3504]

They are children from my husband's previous marriage. Their mother passed away so I am the stepmother. My husband just told me that some of the stuff are things that her mother gave to her before she passed away so those items I will not throw out. The other things I am still not sure what to do.

 

[Reble]

I would sit down as a family and put things on paper.

If they do not do what their asked there will be consequences.

Have two seperate list for each child.

Ask them what the consequence should be.

You might be surprise what they come up with.

example not putting dirty clothes in hamper / help next laundry day.

if talking back 15 minutes in her room. etc, etc,

make a list and put it on the fridge, do not say anything when it happens just say look at the list.

Hope this helps.

 

[Mominis]

Wow, that's quite a situation that you're in. Maybe you should take some time and find a support group for yourself through your church or school that will give you some parenting strategies for dealing with this poor little girl. It sounds like you are going to have some issues that you have inherited from the places she's lived before and having a strong support group behind you may very well give you new ways to deal with it and a good place to vent when things aren't going well.

 

[Marty]

Hi Amanda! I think you need to pick and choose your battles wisely and I would not make an issue of this at this time. I've been in this situation too with my X and 5 step kids and believe me, you have a long road ahead and you have to tread very softly. So I will tell you in plain talk ok? Back off, way off. These kids lost their mother, been uprouted from their grandmother, and now have a new stepmother. Sure, the daughter is most likely reacting to the new situation and you need to roll with the punches, for now anyway.

It is what it is, they are who they are, messy or otherwise. The last thing I would do is give away anything of hers. You have no right to do that. Hands off. Its her stuff, not yours to do with what you please. Its her room and if she wants it to be a pig sty, so be it. She obviously is on an emotional roller coaster and the last thing on her mind is being neat to suit you or herself. In her mind, its a non-issue. You can however set some boundries such as no food in the room and don't leave dirty dishes in there for sanitary reasons.

You are not going to "break the bad habit" but you can work with the bad habit. You are a teacher, so use those tools and teach. Chances are her mother may have passed before she was able to teach her a lot of girly things.

Choose a day that you are both inside, no one else home, a lazy day, and simply ASK her if you could help sort out her stuff, always ASK. Ease into the conversation and take it from there. Get some Rubbermaid containers: one for give away and one for undecided. Offer to help sort and put things she is not using for now in storage so she will have more room. But be sure its her choice to do this project. Make it fun, crack a lot of jokes, be silly, laugh it up while you work, order a pizza, and put on some of her favorite music while you work. Suggest she decorate the room and have a paint party and do the room in her favorite colors and take her shopping for a new comforter and curtains, maybe something like that. If she is not up for it, then she's not, and back off until she is. Leave the containers in there and see what happens. But I truly wouldn't harp on this subject with her and let it go for a while. Everything is just way too new for you all at this point. Give yourselves time to adjust.

You know what? Michael's room was always a horrible mess. It terrified me! You couldn't find a place to walk without stepping on something. Unlike Daniel who is OCD about his room to the point he even has his hangers in his closet color coded, black for jeans, white for short sleeve shirts, tan for long sleeve shirts and colonges have to be lined up on the dresser according to size a certain way, and DVD's are in alphabetical order. I swear it gets to drive me up a wall. I learned at the end of the day, somethings in this world are just not worth worrying about.

 

[billiethekid40]

Choose a day that you are both inside, no one else home, a lazy day, and simply ASK her if you could help sort out her stuff, always ASK. Ease into the conversation and take it from there. Get some Rubbermaid containers: one for give away and one for undecided. Offer to help sort and put things she is not using for now in storage so she will have more room. But be sure its her choice to do this project. Make it fun, crack a lot of jokes, be silly, laugh it up while you work, order a pizza, and put on some of her favorite music while you work. Suggest she decorate the room and have a paint party and do the room in her favorite colors and take her shopping for a new comforter and curtains, maybe something like that. If she is not up for it, then she's not, and back off until she is. Leave the containers in there and see what happens. But I truly wouldn't harp on this subject with her and let it go for a while. Everything is just way too new for you all at this point. Give yourselves time to adjust.

I agree 100% with everything Marty has said, and this is exactly what I would do. Neither of us are saying to let either child walk all over you or not to set rules and bounderies but choosing your battles is very important right now. I had a step-mom and a step-dad, one who fit into our lives and gave us space when needed and one who tried to force us into a completely new way of living too fast. I bet you can guess who I am closer with today, though I love them both very much and have come to have a great deal of respect for them as parents, friends and people. It takes time though, a LOT of time, a lifetime sometimes. Its hard. Sometimes you'll wonder if it will ever work. Sometimes you'll wonder if you can do it at all. You don't have to be perfect to be a good step-mom, you just have to figure out how hard you can push and when you need to back off. And never be afraid to come here and talk or vent or ask for suggestions, but having a good support system close to home is helpful as well, be it friends and family or a support group for "blended families".

 

[Ashley]

I have been with my new family for a couple of months now. Even before we were together my new daughter does not want to bother keeping anything clean. We told both children that if their rooms weren't clean we would take the stuff that wasn't where it belonged for a period of time as punishment and eventually give it back. Recently we gave their stuff back-as they had lost quite a bit. My new son put his stuff away where it belongs. My daughter took the bags and stuffed them in her closet. I am to the point now where the stuff I took she must not really care about because she did this. I want to give the stuff to someone who would appreciate it. They both have too much stuff and she is always wanting more. My son is happy with what he has. So, should I give her yet another chance or do I find homes for the items she doesn't care about? As I found this stuff in the closet I found clothes everywhere-under the bed, in the closet, some stuffed in the bags of stuff I had given back to her, art stuff under bed, toys under bed, etc. I feel also that she has more clothes than she needs and want to weed some of those out. So what do you all think. I have experience with children as a preschool teacher but not living with them 24/7. I don't know how to break the bad habit. Her father and I keep our things clean as an example to her but that doesn't help either. So what to do?

For one you have to look at the age. For two, I personally think you should do nothing, their father should be handleing it. Oh and edited to add.......you stated her mom passed away.........did anybody bother to get either kid any help with that or just let them deal and think they as a family would get through?

 

[bfogg]

I fully agree with Marty and the post after her.I Have worked with this age group for the past 16 years.

It is normal for this age group to be messy and to lose things.

I am assuming they both got counseling after the trauma of losing their mother? I see the aftermath of children trying to deal with the shock and trauma on their own. It is a life changing trauma and they need to know they are loved unconditionally and have a stable situation.

This girl does not need more taken away from her, she needs to know home is where she is accepted loved and a place where she can let go.

They need to have help to work thru the 5 stages of grief. I suffered my loss as an old adult and i can tell you I didn't give 2 hoots if my house was dusted or picked up. I cannot imagine going through it as a child.

I also know that because you are the "step" you should not be doing the discipline right now. All the school psychologists have all said over the years it needs to be the biological parent doing it.

The fact that you came on here tells us you care and want to do the right thing. I can't tell you how much of a difference that will make to the child. Thank you again for being you!

I have found that a messy room is in the big scheme of things not so terrible,to someone who has experienced the thing that kids fear the most. Trust me they grow out of bring messy about 18 or just about when you would need a back hoe to hoe it out.

Try to not get between her and her dad, she may not show it but she really really needs him to just love on her for the next year.

She may have learned to not care about anything in order to not get her heart ripped out again.........

Hugs to you

Bonnie

 

[wade3504]

The children have had counseling for the loss of their mother. We also go to the cememtary to see her when they want to. I am pretty much the one who handles the discipline right now as their father is too overbearing when it comes to disciplining (I have told him he sounds like a drill sergeant before). The kids take it alot better from me than from him. I will see what he says about the room being allowed to be kept that way. I know though that the dirty clothes thing has to stop. In south Florida you leave dirty stuff lying around and you will have bugs.

I know she is happy that I am in the family now. She is very close with her grandmother and she has told her grandmother that she is happpy that she has a mom again. They don't call me mom and I don't expect them to as I am not their true mother but that is what she says to her grandmother. She has told her that things were better now that I was part of the family.

As far as the room I found out that her mother was very messy to the point where she could have been on the hoarders show as was her father in the past. Her grandmother also feels the need to hang onto quite a bit of extra stuff and her grandmother's sister could be on hoarders. I'm not saying Becca is that bad as far as keeping her stuff clean but it is something that she has grown up with. I was not raised that way but I have to take into consideration that she was raised that way. I am going to try to work with her and see what we can do together to get it at least a little better in her room. Her grandmother says that quite a few of the clothes that she has don't fit so those can go.

She and her father have also had a rocky relationship after her mother's death. He just shut down for awhile and they grew apart somewhat. I've talked with him about it and he is trying harder to get back what they had. He is taking her to see Secretariat this weekend, just him and her.

 

[Katiean]

The main thing is consistency. It can not be OK one time and not OK the next. Also, if you give out a punishment, make sure it is something that you and your husband can or would be willing to both enforce. If you punish make sure that it is exactly what you said. I have a step niece that her parents will punish and she really doesn't care because after they are no longer mad they lift the punishment. Not a good result. Also, do not punish when you are mad. Good luck!

 

[wade3504]

The main thing is consistency. It can not be OK one time and not OK the next. Also, if you give out a punishment, make sure it is something that you and your husband can or would be willing to both enforce. If you punish make sure that it is exactly what you said. I have a step niece that her parents will punish and she really doesn't care because after they are no longer mad they lift the punishment. Not a good result. Also, do not punish when you are mad. Good luck!

We are consistent. They are grounded today for their rooms not being clean. We went over their chores in the beginning when they moved here and the consequences of what would happen if they didn't do it, which is they are not allowed out and they have to clean their rooms. I will work with Becca to keep her room better organized but her room must remain neat and by neat I don't mean perfect or she will have to spend more afternoons inside.

 

[StellaLenoir]

Try approaching her messy room from a fun point.

Look through some catalogs, or watch some design shows, etc. Check out what cool neat rooms look like. She may be inspired by something. Get some inexpensive organizing stuff, and help her re-do her room. Pick out a new paint color, that is always inspiring. (and you have to get to the walls to paint lol) Then help her put away her stuff. Help her go through her stuff, and make it fun, and silly, but respect what is important to her, of course save the important stuff and display what she wants, and store what needs to be stored. Talk about taking what doesn't fit or what she has outgrown to a shelter or a thrift store etc. Or maybe some stuff she could sell and earn some money for other cool stuff for her room. And chore charts do work sometimes. See if she is into earning points for keeping her room reasonably clean, and have set prizes for her points. But pick what clean tasks you want, dirty cloths off floor, no food in room, whatever.

 

[eagles ring farm]

I totally agree with Marty some great suggestions she has too to help improve.

Definitely choose your battles and make them important ones

it will be a long road, which you can get alot of enjoyment out of. But get to know each other and try to blend together naturally. Good luck no matter which path you choose I know some people can't stand knowing there is a messy room in their house even if the door is closed. Me I can and have just closed the door. But that doesn't work for everyone.

It does sound like a very hard time in their lives too

 

[Whitestar]

I also agree with Marty. This child has been through a huge trama. She may not be handling it as well as her brother, & then there is the addition of a new marriage & stepmother in the mix. All of a sudden she is having to share her father. A dirty room should not be that important, building a relationship with the children should be. When my children were young ( all three were adopted) we had one night a family night & if they finished their chores they got a mom night out & a dad night out everyother week. The family night was spent doing what the kids wanted, we watched their choice of movies, they made dinner ( mac & cheese, hamburgers, hamburger helper, PBJ's) or we played board games. One mom/dad night one week I did whatever my daughter wanted, made cookies, did an art project or go to a movie-eat out, & my husband took my son to do the same. The next week we switched it up so that the kid got to spend one day with the other parent, to talk, to build a relationship. We shared some great times over McDonalds & at the movies watching some childs cartoon. We made up a chore list that was posted on the frig. Rooms were checked everday, if you check weekly then it gets overwhelming. Each had indoor chores & farm chores too. They were expected to be done along with keeping up their grades. These kids loved the nights out & if they messed up & lost out, they had to listen to their sibling talk about the fun thing they did on their night out so they stayed in line.

I cherish those times & wish I had more of them. My kids still talk about the girls night out, the boys night out. I can only suggest that you build a relationship with these kids & dont sweat the small stuff. She will start picking up her room when it becomes important to her, right now it isnt. Taking stuff away from her will just alienate her more from you. Work on the relationship with positive steps.

 

[Marty]

her room must remain neat and by neat I don't mean perfect or she will have to spend more afternoons inside.

That is not good. She is not going to respect you, she's going to become very angry at you. If I grounded Michael every time his room was a mess he would have been grounded every day. I'm not kidding I could break my neck trying to walk in there. Its simply not worth to make this such an issue as you will eventually find out. When a real serious issue comes up eventually, and it will, this messy room thing will look like a walk in the park. I promise you this will back fire on you if you persist about the room at this point.

Try baby steps.

Try just one thing at a time. Go for the dirty clothes. Get her to put them in the laundry basket or hamper that you will provide in her room. Ask her when its full to put it outside the door for you to collect when you are doing the laundry or just tell you its ready.

Just try that much for now and see how it works. Be patient. Baby steps.

 

[wade3504]

It is not like I am the wicked stepmother here. We are all building a family relationship. We have movie nights, game nights, nights where they cook dinner, ride bikes together, play in the pool, etc. We talk after school and during dinner and she comes to me with problems as she doesn't like talking to her dad. When she was sick this past week, and woke up in the night she called for me. I have days where it's just me and Becca and days where it's me and John. She loves art and horses and I have my mini and we do drawings and paintings together. So we are close even with everything being new.

I have talked to a friend last night and our family is going to start a check list. After so many checks-to be determined-we will go out for ice cream or some treat like that. We are no longer making it to where there are negative consequences.

 

[Ashley]

May I ask how long ago her mother died? How long was she/is she in therapy?

I also suggest some new family therapy. Just my own experiance in this situation that led to a relationship break up and my studies to be a therapist.