New Mom for 8 and 10 year old

[txminipinto]

Ok, that changes my advice. I can't imagine what this poor girl is going through. I would shut the door, let her live in her room how she wants to and like others have said, pick your battles for now. Make a clean room something she wants by giving her the opportunity to do a room make over! And if she doesn't keep it clean, teach her how to do her own laundry. Once she spends all days picking up dirty clothes so she has something to wear, she might see the light.

My only requirement would be the mess stays in her room and doesn't spill out into the rest of the house.

 

[susanne]

Your stepdaughter is hurting BIG TIME.

I'm so glad your stepkids have had counseling -- my dad died when I was nine, and even though we had a large, close family, the adults all assumed that we (the kids) would get over it. I never did.

I guarantee you that every day brings those kids a new way to grieve for their mother, even after the counseling.

Becca may feel, perhaps subconsciously, that messiness a way of keeping her mom in her heart, especially if mom = nurturing and messy while dad = strict and neat. She may feel that to be neat and orderly is to lose her mom all over again.

And another thing...Sometimes messiness is an inborn trait, not a choice...like being lefthanded. It can also be a comfort zone.

I am messy to the nth degree. Neat people -- those who believe cleanliness is next to godliness -- think I'm a horrible person. I'm not. I'm just messy. Some of it is visual organization -- I need to see my "stuff." It looks chaotic to a neatnik, but I know where everything is.

I'd suggest this:

Ask only that she get dirty clothes into the laundry and that she take no food into her room, as Marty said. Beyond that, close the door and say nothing more. Let her have her messiness in her private sanctuary.

One way to introduce neatness without invading her space is to have her help you organize another area such as the kitchen or bathroom. Take her with you to help pick out storage items. Give her ownership so that she experiences the reward and fun in organization. This is also a great time to encourage her to talk.

 

[Miniv]

I agree with everyone who basically has said (in their own words), go in "baby steps".

This is obviously a psychological link to her deceased mother. So sweeping in and cleaning up and clearing up stuff in HER SPACE is probably not the best thing to do.

Setting up beginning ground rules, as was mentioned before, sounds good. And this would be for BOTH kids........Rule #1: NO FOOD BEDROOMS. Rule#2: ALL DIRTY CLOTHES IN HAMPER. (I purchased a hamper specifically for the child's bedroom because of that same problem.)

I will admit, that while doing the child's laundry I have been known to quietly put items that I KNOW she has outgrown into a donation bag. She hasn't noticed and I don't make a big deal about it. I've also allowed her to decide to give up a few things here and there. The Holiday Season is often a good time to have children feel a bit more generous with unused clothes and/or toys.

 

[bcody]

I agree with Marty and the others. Go in baby steps. My 7 year old daughter is just messy, it is her. There is no eating in the bedrooms, laundry MUST get put in the hamper.There has to be a clean path from the door to her bed. Those I will not give in on. Another thing we have done is that if she wants something new, she has to get rid of something (or things) and the holidays we go through everything, together, and get rid of stuff to give away and make room for new things. On occasion she has cleaned her room on her own, and she gets rewarded for that. Her room is a mess, I can not stand it. Her brother is a neat freak. Raised the same, just them. I love doors, her is closed a lot.

Miniv, I have done the same thing with clothes they have outgrown!