Need opinions.....am I being overly bothered by this?

[sharon]

Okay, here is the scenario: We have a husband and wife, I will call them Tom and Mary. Tom and Mary have no kids by choice. They both have 6 figure incomes. In there mid 50's are both about ready to retire.

Mary has one brother who is married and has a daughter, age 21 who got married this year, I will call her Ellen. Tom has 2 sisters who each have 2 kids(1 boy & 1 girl each). Sister #1 has John at 21 years old and Kara at 17. Sister #2 has Nicole age 22 and Brad age 18.

Tom and Mary send out their Christmas cards with a yearly update on their lives, ie: numerous vacations taken during the year, etc. This year, they mention in a paragraph that their niece Ellen, got married this year and she and her husband are both students at College America. It was a beatuiful wedding, yada, yada, yada. Their other niece, Kara has just been accepted at College New Jersey. They are both very proud of her, yada, yada.

They then go into their closing wishing everyone a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

If you were the parents of Nicole and Brad, would you be upset that nothing was mentioned about them? Brad is a senior in high school and is going to be going to a technical school to learn how to do computer repair. Nicole went to same type of school and has been working in the medical field for a couple years now, and has plans to further her career by going into nursing. John, did not go to any school after high school and has been working various jobs and thinks he might want to pursue becoming a carpenter.

It seems to me as though Tom and Mary have disowned their other niece and nephews for not going to college?

Opinions please.

 

[Steph_D]

Sharon, sounds a lot like my husband's family. His sister gets all the glory, despite many major mistakes in her life, and he doesn't even get a phone call on his birthday. It's the same with our kids and her kids. I've been trying hard to not let it bother me, but it does from time to time.

Do you ever see or talk to the other kids? If so, let them know how proud you are of them. If they don't hear it from anyone else, it will be a nice change for them.

Oh, off subject but I've been meaning to post those pictures, but still dealing with sick kids at home and I don't want them spying. Got one running back and forth to the bathroom right now :no:

 

[Jill]

It would bother me, too.

If there's a way you can make yourself stop thinking about it now and just plan to talk to them about it in a month or so. Let yourself "let it go" for now, knowing you will address it later. Don't let be an annoyance to you over the holidays because what they think or feel isn't as important as what you think and feel about this matter.

 

[JO~*]

I guess if I was going to let any of that bother me it would be the fact that the kids mentioned are not their kids so why did they even talk about them, after all its Tom and Mary's Christmas letter right ,so shouldn't it be about them only?

I’m funny that way I don’t like anyone telling what my kid is doing unless its me doing the telling. :bgrin

 

[Frankie]

I wouldn't take it as being disowned, but then I do not completely know the family,,,,,,,,,so hard to answer.

When folks do those end of the year letters,,,,,,I don't pay much attention,,,,,,,as it is so hard to get a full year on one page,,,,,,,,,,especially including other families,,,,,,,do not know why people even try.

Holidays,,,,,,,for me,,,,,,is about me and those I honestly care about, and those who honestly care about me,,,,,,notice I said "those",,,,,,,,,,not family.

 

[Warpony]

I might think they didn't view the other kids as having had any accomplishments worth mentioning, but not that they had disowned them. I rarely get mentioned in my parents Christmas letter, because I never do much that they consider worth talking about. I may have saved the lives of several orphaned kittens, had a story published, had art published, etc. but my brother got married so I don't rate a mention at all. I'm totally used to it, at this point. *shrug*

If they put a lot of value on college they probably just see getting into colleges as something worth mentioning, and if the other niece and nephew had started college they may have mentioned that too... but they didn't... so they didn't.

Either way I wouldn't let someone else's Christmas letter get to me. I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt and I would want to hope they meant no slight or insult by it. They probably have no idea it came across looking like they were neglecting the other niece and nephew. I certainly wouldn't take it personally if the other niece and nephew were my children, I would shrug, say "Whatever..." and write my own Christmas letter about all the great things MY kids did. I have too many positive things i want to focus on to bother being upset by something like this.

But to be totally fair, I have a tendency to not get upset even about things that I SHOULD get upset about... so my reaction may not be at all typical.

 

[PaintedPromiseRanch]

I might think they didn't view the other kids as having had any accomplishments worth mentioning, but not that they had disowned them. I rarely get mentioned in my parents Christmas letter, because I never do much that they consider worth talking about. I may have saved the lives of several orphaned kittens, had a story published, had art published, etc. but my brother got married so I don't rate a mention at all. I'm totally used to it, at this point. *shrug*

If they put a lot of value on college they probably just see getting into colleges as something worth mentioning, and if the other niece and nephew had started college they may have mentioned that too... but they didn't... so they didn't.

Either way I wouldn't let someone else's Christmas letter get to me. I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt and I would want to hope they meant no slight or insult by it. They probably have no idea it came across looking like they were neglecting the other niece and nephew. I certainly wouldn't take it personally if the other niece and nephew were my children, I would shrug, say "Whatever..." and write my own Christmas letter about all the great things MY kids did. I have too many positive things i want to focus on to bother being upset by something like this.

But to be totally fair, I have a tendency to not get upset even about things that I SHOULD get upset about... so my reaction may not be at all typical.

very good attitude! and since your parents didn't say it, i think you are wonderful for saving the kitties and for your publishing accomplishments. getting married is not the be-all and end-all. YOU GO GIRL!!!

 

[Pepipony]

Wow, that sounds eerily like my GM and Aunt My sister was THE Golden child, did no wrong, could do no wrong, flowers bloomed and birds sang at the sight of her. She went into Nursing like all the other women on that side, I wouldnt. I didnt do the 4 year school plan, just 2 so I was rotten man out. GM and Aunt let everyone know how special sis was yada yada yada and how no one could do anything unless they had a college degree ( 4 year or better tyvm) They even treated Dad, their son/brother like S*** because his mother literally took him out of college and forced him to join the Army Air Corps during WWII. All so they could feel proud of having 2 stars in the window, didnt matter what dad wanted. He never went back. These 2 also paid for sisters College, bought her a car and gave her a huge dowery. Me, I didnt get anything, nada nothing. In a way that ticks me off, in another it tickles me because sis had ME, 7 years younger, come pay her bills while her hubby was on tour. Guess a 4 year College cant teach everything

:

For some people it makes them feel bigger than they are , boasting on others achievements. I dont get that at all and actually I pity them as they seem to loose out in the end. To me the ones that are bragged on, have some role in this, they need to say something.

I ts easy to say dont let it bother you , but of course it does. I cant say that all of those happenings didnt have a profound effect on me, some good, some bad.

Warpony, everyone does something worth mentioning. If they wanted to. How many people actually bother with critters, let alone saving some? I do think that is worth mention.

 

[sharon]

See, my thoughts are this.....if they are going to mention something about one, they should include ALL the nieces and nephews.

I change all the names in the scenario, but I AM sister #2. One of my kids has already read the letter and complained about it. The other kid will be home later tonight and will probably read it and I know she will not be happy about it.

I'm really trying not to let it get to me as this is supposed to be a happy time, but it's hard.

 

[Steph_D]

Oh Sharon, it hurts even worse to know that your kids are the ones missing out or being put on the back burner. It's the same way here, so I do know how you feel and I can only imagine how Kim will feel about it.

Tell them I'm proud of all that they've done

:

 

[ChrystalPaths]

Shrug it off my friend. I have a brother who does this every year....it would hurt if I let it but I choose to shrug it off....MY life and my kids are important to me if not to others...their loss. Smile.

 

[Warpony]

See, my thoughts are this.....if they are going to mention something about one, they should include ALL the nieces and nephews.

I change all the names in the scenario, but I AM sister #2. One of my kids has already read the letter and complained about it. The other kid will be home later tonight and will probably read it and I know she will not be happy about it.

I'm really trying not to let it get to me as this is supposed to be a happy time, but it's hard.

Well, they have probably damaged their relationship with your children by handling it this way, and THEY will be the ones to miss out on the full pleasure they could have gained from better relationships with your children.

When my mother does this stuff and my daughter feels left out I simply remind my daughter that the people who MATTER know just how wonderful she is, and the people who don't know how wonderful she is... well they just don't matter. If I were you I would make sure and let them know just how very proud of them I am.

You can't help how you feel about it, but you can control how you handle it. rather then dwell on it and get more and more upset i would focus on making sure my kids knew how much they meant to ME... I would suggest trying to calmly mention to your relatives that you and the kids were disappointed to see the other kids had been mentioned and they hadn't. Like I said, before, they probably have no clue how much this has hurt you guys and they really should know. Just because it wouldn't bother me doesn't mean i don't understand why it would bother you, I really do, but I would hate to see it spoil your holiday and permanently damage a relationship. Not everyone can just shrug and walk away from this stuff like myself and Dimimore.

And even though I don't really know you or your kids, you sound like a great mom who raised some pretty great kids. That aunt and uncle are foolish if they can't appreciate that. (((hug)))

 

[Yaddax3]

Sharon:

The more you stress about this, the more you empower Tom and Mary. Forget it. It's a dopey holiday letter that most of the relatives won't even read.

And, by the way, good luck to Tom and Mary if they think Brad is ever going to repair their computer, or Nicole is going to give them medical advice or John is going to do carpentry work for them.

 

[Pepipony]

What about writting your own letter? Cant think of how to word it, but maybe have a line something to the effect that so-and-so accidentally left your kids out? Nicely put of course.

 

[backwoodsnanny]

sharon I always feel bad when someone is hurt by someone elses actions and I do see how this would hurt you but remember you can only be hurt if you allow it to hurt you. You know how talented and exceptional your children are so try to just let it go and realize life is just tooo short to worry about those who dont care enough to worry about us put your energy with those who do realize how special your children are and move on. Its simply not worth it and believe me I speak from experience having always been "" The OTHER daughter"

 

[Warpony]

I speak from experience having always been "" The OTHER daughter"

it sounds like a lot of us have this experience, maybe we should start a support group.

((hug))

 

[backwoodsnanny]

Well, where this whole thing is concerned dont need a support group any more both mother and sister are gone now. Sister in 2000 and mom in 2001 and it was just something I learned to live with but there were many times when these things would have hurt alot if I had let them. I just learned to let them go for my own good.

 

[sharon]

sharon I always feel bad when someone is hurt by someone elses actions and I do see how this would hurt you but remember you can only be hurt if you allow it to hurt you. You know how talented and exceptional your children are so try to just let it go and realize life is just tooo short to worry about those who dont care enough to worry about us put your energy with those who do realize how special your children are and move on. Its simply not worth it and believe me I speak from experience having always been "" The OTHER daughter"

Nita- Your comments really got to me. Thank you so much for your kind words. They brought tears to my eyes. I think what part of the problem is, is that we have so little family left and I am trying hard to keep together what little is left. I guess it's time to just kinda cut the ties with my bro and not worry about him and his wife. When we have to get together, I'll be cordial and act normal, but other times, just a few less family members in my life. I know I have always been looked down upon by them because I did not go to college. My sister did, so they favor her over me. It was just such a shock to see that they've now included the kids. They are just very thoughtless and I guess since they don't have kids, they just don't realize how much things like this can hurt children.

Thanks to everyone else for offering your insight to this. I have always had a problem that I tend to dwell on things. I need to learn how to let go much faster.

 

[Steph_D]

Sharon, as hard as it was, we've had to cut most of the ties with my in-laws and some with my mom as well. My in-laws always wanted Courtney (they never liked me, but as long as they liked my kids, I could live with it). When Hannah was born, they wanted nothing to do with her. Then, eventually, they stopped wanting Courtney to come over as much and stopped calling as much. Now they call about once every 2 months or so and haven't remembered any birthdays in over 3 years. It upset Courtney pretty bad, but I explained to her that the people who really cared were the people who remembered

:

My mom would like to have more time with us, but on her terms when she's not gambling. She doesn't go many places with me because I refuse to stop by the casino and drop $100 :no:

Sometimes our families can be the cruelest people we come across

:

 

[billiethekid40]

I kinda agree with Pepi... except I wouldn't give them the time of day to mention that so and so forgot to mention your kids. Be the "bigger man" and congratulate ALL of the other children on their accomplishments and say that you would like to add that your kids have done _________ this year and how proud you are to have a family full of wonderful children who are succeding in their own goals. Wish everyone a happy holiday season and move on. Make sure you send "Tom and Mary" a special copy with YOUR childrens accomplishments in bold, but don't do that for the other copies. LOL