Need advise

[jess]

On December 20th it will have been a yr since my Dad passed away. He was 53. He had a massive heart attack(not his first) while driving to get the paper and a coffee after having some new windows delivered. Last yr I was ok(or still in shock)but this year I'm really having a hard time with the holiday season. I just can't seem to get excited or in a festive mood. I've always been the strong quiet one in our family. I rarely cry and never talk about my own problems or how they affect me. I'm the listener, the one you come to with your problems. Latley I've found myself just breaking into tears for what seems like no reason what so ever. I hear a song that reminds me of him and I cry, see something that reminds me of him same thing. It's making me crazy. I think about all the things he won't be here for like Rachel's graduation and stuff like that. Anyone got any advise on how to get through this time of year. I'd just skip it altogether but I have a six year old daughter and need to snap out of this so she can at least have a good Christmas.

 

[sfmini]

Sounds familiar, and I hate to tell you this, but my parents have been gone for a long time. My mom for 20 years and my dad for around 16. I hear carols that send me right back to when they were around, and I still cry, but I can also enjoy the holiday. That did take a while.

You just have to take it one day at a time, and remember, the last thing he would want is for you to not enjoy the holiday and your child.

As far as I am concerned, your feelings are totally normal, and you can't just force yourself to 'snap out of it'.

Hang in there.

 

[SilverDollar]

Jess, I am so very sorry for the loss of your Dad. Your tears do have a reason...grief and sadness. One year is not a very long time and it sounds like you have taken care of everyone but yourself. I hope you allow yourself the time you need to get through this. When my Dad passed away at 58, I was only 21 and it took me years to get through it. Even now, 23 years later, I still miss him terribly.

It's okay not to feel festive and excited about Christmas. I do understand that because of your daughter you want to make it a good one. I don't have any words of wisdom for you but I'm here if you need a shoulder to cry on.

Take care of yourself.

Rebecca

 

[hahler]

Jess

its hard, i know from experience it will be 2 years on June 1 for me

i still think that i wish he was here to see that i have finally found my niche in life after almost 40 years

sometimes im angry with him for leaving and some times ( like now) i shed a few tears

its normal but........ life must go on

tell your daughter about xmas traditions or memories that you had as a child

and what grandpa did

i have found that it sometimes helps

i havent spent a holiday with my family in years and am trying to get everything together to have my mom come out to OK from SD for this holiday season. i havent seen her since the funeral since im not welcome at home with my brother.

this is what helped me threw the hard times

dawn

 

[Sunny]

Jess, my heart just breaks for you. I can relate to how you feel. My mom passed away on Nov. 3, 2001, when my daughter was 5. That year, Christmas for me was horrendous, but everyone understood, including my daughter. The following year was still extremely difficult for me. My brothers seemed to handle it much better, and could even watch the old Christmas videos from when my nieces were much younger. Mom was in them, of course, and I couldn't bear to be in the same room, let alone watch them. I still can't watch them!!, but the rest of the family takes comfort from them.

All I can suggest to you is to let your family know how you're feeling. Especially your daughter. It's okay for her to see you sad about the loss of your dad/her grandpa, whether it's at Christmas time or any other day of the year. (You can teach her some valuable lessons at this time.) The main thing, Jess, is not to be too hard on yourself. You're not just going to "snap out of it". There are any number of us here who can help you through this time, if it helps for you to share your feelings. My heart truly goes out to you.

 

[Jill]

I don't know any advice, but my heart goes out to you. Just thinking of what happened, it makes me feel like I can't breath. I am so very sorry.

 

[Marsha Cassada]

I'm so sorry. It's been 10 years for me and sometimes I still cry. I miss him every day.

This reminds me that I need to talk with my sons and do some remembering with them about my dad.

Marsha

 

[nootka]

I am so sorry...I think this is normal, but if you would like better reassurance, it would be good to contact a grief counselor or support group.

Crying and grieving and wallowing in the loss so to speak, are normal. It will hurt always, but you will get used to it, for lack of a better term. I lost my Grandma in 1995, she was my "real" mother as in she raised me and was there for me unconditionally. I will NEVER get over it, but the grief and pain don't obliterate everything else, they just exist alongside everything.

Life just gets so hard ,the older we get and have to live with these losses, doesn't it?

(((hugs)))

Liz

 

[chandab]

What you are feeling is very normal.

I lost my dad to cancer in 1993, a few weeks before his 59 birthday. I still have moments when I cry, and other moments when I laugh remembering something he did or said. Take all the time you need to get through it.

 

[HGFarm]

It's been a few years now that we lost Dad, and even less for Mom. My Dad and I were close and it has only been the last couple of years that I can discuss him without crying, or even look at a picture. With Mom, I think I was in a depression for over a year- I just had so much trouble letting go at all. My parents anniversary was close to Thanksgiving (sometimes falls on that day) and Dad's birthday was just before Xmas, Mom's a few days after the new year, so holidays are always filled with extra thoughts of them.

You will never get over the loss of your parent. Ever. I know people whose parents have been gone for over 20 years, and they still miss them. That part never leaves you. I still miss picking up the phone and hearing them. I miss trying to make my Mom laugh out loud, and miss Dad's funny stories. I miss their advice.

What you are going through is normal... and it sure takes a while to get over the first BIG part of the grief. If I think about it enough, I still cry. I was lucky and had great parents so I try to just remember the great things they taught me and that we did. Many things still make me very sad that they are not here....

Cry and get it out of your system, it is normal and I dont know what to tell you that will help you get past it, but you will get through it. He is still here with you, and will always be.

Ok, enough from me or I WILL be crying again too!! Hugs to you and by the way, I still talk to my folks anyhow. I know they are with me.

 

[Marty]

I know just how you feel. You're empty inside.

I didn't sign on for the mess I have, but I have it ever single freggin day of my life.

There is no snapping out of it. It is what is.

We didn't have a Christmas last year, not a real one. But this year I found that I had to pull myself together best I could because I have another child who did not sign up for this either. And he is my baby and he is the one that is here and needs all the hugs and attention and focus I have left in me. He loves it when I act goofy and when I'm happy. When I"m "UP" it kind of sets the tone around here. So this year we brought out the lights because I got it through my head that we will light up the sky so Michael can see his earthly home from heaven. We got the tree, shopping for presents, we are doing the whole nine yards. Then Dan said to me "Who do you think we are kidding?" and I told him "nobody" but it's a whole lot better then us both laying down and giving up. Michael would absolutely hate it with a passion to think he is the cause of us ruining another Christmas. I just keep telling myself I have to act the way Michael would want me to.

Your daughter is the key for you. She is entitled to have childhood memories of many happy Christmasses to remember. You have to build on that. She doesn't need to be brought down at such a young age. Sure it's ok to sob and explain that to her; but keep it to a minimum in front of her. When you need a meltdown...do what I do.....hide. Find it in your heart to realize your daddy would want you to make her holidays as merry and cheery as can be. He would never want you to be so sad and miserable throughout the holidays. Don't you know he is waiting for you to smile? You can do this.

 

[hhpminis]

For me, I have found that during the grieving process, I find myself feeling almost guilty if I let myself have or see happiness. As if I am expected to walk around mopey and sad. This is a silly way to think and I dont know where I got this idea but it is there. I now recognize it and shake myself out of it as I see it as silly. That is not what our loved ones would want from us.

Everyone deals with grieving differently and what you are feeling is totally normal. No one can tell you how to grieve, or what you should be doing. Just know that in time it will get easier, you will remember good times and be able to share those good times with the memory of your Dad and he will fit into them.

Let you daughter know you are sad and miss her Grandpa, it is important that she know it is OK to grieve too. If you need a total meltdown, like Marty said, your daughter may not be ready to handle that, but talking calmly and reminiscing would be beneficial for you both, even if it brings a few tears.

As you go through your own traditions, talk and think about how it was when you were young and what the traditions were then. I am sure those were happy times, and just as you have grown and those things have changed so does everything else. Including who is there to share things with.

Now you have a beautiful daughter of your own to share life with. Make your own memories and traditions and give her something to tell her children.

Hugs to you.

 

[shadowpaints]

I have yet to experiance a parent passing on. my dad is 48 my mom will be 50 this year. its one of the many things i dread. loosing a sibling, a parent my DH or a child... i dont know how to help you or what to say other than i will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. it isnt a easy thing to be with out someone you have known your entire life. soon, i will have to say good bye to my Great grama. she is in her 90's and christmas will always be hard with out her as every year she put up 10 trees with her handmade ornaments on every one! i am also the oldest great grandchild so i spent a lot of time at her house.

Your dad is still with you i believe, in spirit.

your in my thoughts and prayers....

love from Idaho,

Becca

 

[sdmini]

I agree although hard to see know things will get better. Focus on the good memories and the new ones you and your daughter are making.

 

[Mona]

Jess, I am so sorry you are feeling so low, especially at this time of year, but your grieving will go on for years, but it will get a little better(although never completely go away) each passing year. There is no on/off switch or set time allowed to do so.

I think you have been so busy trying to be "the strong one" for your family, that you have pushed your own greiving process aside for ahile and it is now coming out to face you full force. That is OK< just let it go...cry lots, and cry hard! HUGS for you.

 

[Miniv]

I think Marty put it beautifully..........

Give yourself PERMISSION to grieve. Christmas and Thanksgiving are always the hard times, I think, for those of us who have lost loved ones. And for me, it was also the SECOND year that was harder because of what you said.......At the beginning we are numb and in shock, I think.

Don't feel guilty. Explain to your little one, but as Marty said, hide the sobs from her too.......But it's okay to show her that grieving is healthy and part of losing a loved one. It's a fine line, I guess.

Meanwhile.........you also have to keep going and give your daughter some great memories for Christmas. It's hard. I know. But having to buck up for your little one will help. At least, it has for me.

You're going to be fine, I promise. Somehow because of others, we manage to make it through.

Hugs and Blessings,

MA

 

[Magic]

Jess, I'm so sorry...

I don't have any advice, this is my first year without my Mom (she died in July at 65) and somehow we managed to muddle through Thanksgiving this year without her, but Christmas! We always spent Christmas at Mom's, the whole family would be there and we'd have a big Christmas dinner, laughing and talking and playing around as we all helped prepare it. Then after cleaning up the dinner mess we would sit in big circle and exchange gifts. I think I've kind of been in denial all of this time, not facing up to what this year is going be like, until reading your post. Now I'm crying (not unusual when missing Mom).

You know what though? Crying is good. I think of crying as honoring our loved ones who have passed. Grieving is natural and we should allow ourselves to feel the pain, not try to push it away. I'm soldiering on with Christmas preparations for my family, they deserve a good Christmas, and I know I will feel happiness in amongst the sadness, and that's ok. I will treasure the loved ones that are still here, and I'm sure we will remember Mom and include her memory in our celebration. I know that Mom would want us all to be happy, but she wouldn't scold us for crying either-- she would put her arm around us and hold us in a warm embrace until we felt better.

Sorry for rambling. Though I'm crying, I think I'm better off for dealing with it instead of trying to ignore it, and I think you will be too, Jess. {{{{hugs}}}

Marty, {{{Hugs}}} for you too. What you are dealing with is beyond my imagination.

 

[Miniv]

Just wanted to add something...........and it may sound a little "OFF" ..........

But take pictures this season......lots of pictures. And then look at them carefully. You just may find some evidence of your dad being there with you, if you look closely.

MA

 

[Georgine]

Everyone has said it so well but I would like to also send some thoughts your way.

My Mum and Dad both passed away in 1988, 9 months apart, and 3 years after my brother was killed in a car accident. The loss of their youngest was very hard for them to bear and I read Marty's posts in awe of her fortitude.

I think about them all the time and also have lots of dreams about them (which I love to have.)

My Mum was such a "marshmallow" always thinking about what she could do for others and Dad was a good man who loved us all in his quiet way.

I think about them all the time, especially Mum since she had such a passion for life, and her children, and Christmas was her one big event.

I think it's good to let your family know how much you loved your Dad and miss him.

They expect you to grieve for him and likely would be surprised if you didn't.

No one knows what you are feeling inside but talking about it and sharing memories of those who you loved and lost keeps them still very close to you.

 

[Marylou]

On Dec.24, 1982 at 3am we recieved a long distance call telling us my husband's Dad had died of a stroke. We had to wake our 17 & 14 yr old sons and tell them the Grandfather they adored was gone. We lit the tree and had them open their presents, packed and spent Christmas eve on the road for 10 hours. He was a special man and I loved him dearly. It took a few years but life does go on. If it really is bothering you talk to someone. It will help.