Men....

[MiniHoofBeats]

I just don't get it sometimes...my boyfriend and I got into yet another fight last night because he doesn't understand my passion for my horses....he thinks they're over ruling my life. I tell you what, I feel I don't see them enough! They're boarded at my moms ranch 25 minutes away and I only see them Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays....does that sound like i'm spending too much time with them? I really just don't get it...he's pulled away completely from the relationship in the last 6 months (we've been together for 2 years) because he thinks my horses are #1 on my list (which they quickly are becoming with his lack of attention toward me). I told him again about how I got into horses because he decided to hang out with his friends and go to the bars instead of wanting to spend time with me (i'm not 21 until next month so he's had 2 years of a tug-of-war game - go to the bars with his friends, or stay home bored with me...) so when he stopped being here to spend time with me, I found this site and fell in love with my very first miniature! He supported my love for horses for a whopping 2 months...maybe...and last night really just broke me. He doesn't understand that horses require dedication, you can't just up and leave them to fend for themselves for a day...he even had the audacity to make me choose between my horses and him...I told him straight out i'm not getting rid of my horses, that they are my passion and that at least they're there for me...they hug me when I need a friend, they nosed their ways into my heart, they give me a shoulder to cry on...all things that he stopped giving me almost a year ago already....

i'm sorry, I know i'm ranting about this but it just hurts so much...life would just be so much easier if I had someone in my life who shared the same passion for horses...sometimes I wonder why I even stick around...

ok I guess i'm done for now, thanks for listening to my rambles =)

 

[mountain_waif]

....

 

[shortymisty]

MEN don't ya just love them, a prerequisite for me was you must love my animals as passionate as I do. My dogs and horses are part of the family, whether you got into them after your relationship is irrelevant. It's a part of you. I did find someone that loved the dogs and he's warming up to the horses, sounds like to me your guy is jealous and to cover the fact up is blaming you. It's a young relationship, and you always have to work at relationships and sounds to me he doesn't want to work as hard as he think you should work. I always ask myself this question "would he follow your career or your passions over his if yours proved more prosperous and productive"

 

[Al B]

Turn the picture around. What are his passions. Do you give a rats about them. Do you participate in what he likes to do. It's not a one way street. If there's no common ground get out now.

 

[MiniHoofBeats]

Thanks everyone for your kind words and help =) It was so hard last night, all I wanted to hear from him was that yes...he would change a few things around to spend even a little more time with me....but all I heard was "your horses...your horses...your horses" over and over for almost 2 hours. He's poking at a hot flame with me and doesn't truly understand how much I care about my horses and my dream of showing and breeding in the future...

I had talked with my dad a little about it this morning and he too said it sounds like a jealousy issue...that my b/f doesn't want to "share" me with the horses so he in turn has pulled away from the relationship to show me how upset he is, but in turn that just makes me pull away after he doesn't react to my emotions for him anymore...

Yes he does have a few passions, his biggest one is for computers...he builds them from scratch for fun, buys expensive new motherboards, video cards, sound cards, then drools all over them when they arrive in the mail and he just can't wait to go put it in his personal computer....he also has a passion for riding his speedy little crotch rocket...I support him fully on all of it! We moved into our new (rented) house 2 months ago and he has his own personal computer room (only a 2 bedroom house so I didn't get my own room) and I was there helping him put together his financials to buy his first crotch rocket...I am always happy for him when he builds a new computer and sells it for a couple hundred bucks or whatever...I DO support him because I love him.

He doesn't support my love for horses...if I come home with new pictures of my horses or try showing him some new babies that were born he'll glance at the pictures and sort of smile and walk away...barely giving me his time of day. He never wants to sit down and personally go through new photo's i'd have developed, he'd rather sit in his room and play with his computers.....

It makes me so sad how he isn't there for me anymore just because I have horses now...

 

[Erica]

Well lets see, I have been through his too, as almost all of my "high school" boyfriends felt the same way and for some odd reason, never realized off the bat my life does involve (maybe I should say somewhat revolve?) around my horses and passion for them; yet through high school I was very involved in other things to - basketball, softball, sports in general; most ended up deciding I was too dedicated or spent to much time with the horses most of the time after at least a year, so that is probably the reason I haven't dated/had a boyfriend throughout my college years. Like Al said if there is no common interest then it is hard to make anything work, it doesn't have to ALL be about horses, but something totally off the wall.

Well for me I am not a person that has to have someone to call "theirs" I guess you would say, unlike my roommate who is someone I think that feels like she needs someone for security or someone close to her other than family; I myself am pretty independent and satisfied with myself - and that is not saying I can't enjoy others company. But I think you have to find out if you are in the relationship just because you want someone, or is it someone you could see yourself being with for a long time.

 

[countryrose]

Well, you just need to appreciate his computer skills and put them to use.

A digital camera and let him play with the downloading and photo manipulation. It might give you two common ground. You could have your own personal photographer?Or does he like to play with webpages, etc.

My husband loves animals but does feel I spend more time with the horses than him a lot. He helps some but does not go see me show, etc. Just likes to watch them play here at home.

 

[Dontworrybeappy]

I was once dating a man who said to me "I know that you'll never love me enough because you love your horses too much."

I said "OK!"

:

Think of it - if he's asking you to choose between being with him and being your own self, this is not a good thing!

 

[MiniHoofBeats]

No he's not much with programs, he just builds computers putting them together, puts programs on them but that's it...he likes to still play computer games (racing, etc), not much for camera's...he absolutely refuses to come out to the ranch with me, he came out once because we were having a family cookout and even then we got in a fight that morning because he said he would go, but then didn't want to get up in time to actually be there. He finally did show up two hours later, and I had to drag him by the arm to the barn to come see my horses (i've had my new ones for a month by then and he still hadn't seen them). It depresses me how much he doesn't care for horses...last night he told me he used to like them, but now I've made him hate them...

It's hard to say how I feel in this position...I truly love him, we've been together for 2 years, but for the last year we barely see each other anymore...I get up at 6am and go to work, he sleeps in until 9am. I get home around 5pm, he gets home around 8pm...talks to me for about 10 minutes, usually a fight comes up...then he takes a shower and goes out to hang out with his friends. I feel that he doesn't appreciate me as a human being anymore...he leaves me home alone all the time. I only have one friend here and she has other friends so I hardly see her...my whole life revolves around my b/f and my horses and with him gone all the time, my horses are the only ones really here for me...

It's hard to say but a part of me is saying i'm only still there because I don't want to be alone. I hate crawling into a cold bed at night and he's not there until 3 or 4am...I hate waking up and he's sleeping, I hate coming home and he's not there...but for some reason i'm still here.

I apologize I know this is turning into a sob story but, I just don't have anyone to turn to...that speaks english lol...you're all pretty much my only "friends" I have right now, even though I barely know many of you...

Thank you everyone for your support...I really need it and truly appreciate everyones opinions and help =)

 

[KanoasDestiny]

Oh girl, I feel for you! You know, in a situation like this, it's hard for others to offer advice or anything else, because a lot of times, the person being told doesn't want to see things straight and makes excuses for the person that is doing the wrong. But I am going to give my two sense worth here because let's face it, I like ya. HAHA.

My biggest thing is this....why on earth does he feel that it is either having fun out drinking with his friends at a bar or hanging out bored with you? This should never ever be the case!!! I would be infuriated that my man would rather go out with other guys to a bar that I couldn't attend, than to stay home and just kick it with me. Why does he feel that you are boring compared to drinking? That sounds like a bad relationship waiting to happen to me. Let me tell you my story. My husband is 4 years older than me, when we began dating, he was 22 and I was 18. He was a big drinker! But when we got together, he realized that I couldn't drink "legally", and he decided that when he did drink, he would do it at home so that we could still hang out. There was no need for him to go out, when he had a girlfriend and the alcohol at home. Now my friend Crystal on the other hand, was 19 and had a 21 year old boyfriend. They had been together for 4 years and once he was bit by the "Bar Bug", he constantly wanted to go out to the local bar with his friends, while she had to sit at home. You can say that this caused a big rift in their relationship. He actually chose to go to the bar because he knew she couldnt go, which made it possible for him to do whatever he wanted and not get caught. Not to say that is what is going on with your boyfriend. But we all tried to tell her that this was a mistake waiting to happen. She trusted him and thought nothing of him having fun at a bar with his "guy" friends. That is until one of them actually approached her and told her that Kevin was cheating with a girl he met at the bar. She still refused to believe it until she caught him in the act, when he broguht one of those girl's home when she wasn't there. Now she is 21 and happily married to a good man and has a 5 month old son. My point is, a bar is not a place to go if you are in a relationship with someone who either doesn't drink or can't attend to drink with you. "THEY" ONLY GO BECAUSE IT IS FREEDOM TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT WITH THE EXCUSE THAT THEY WERE INTOXICATED AND DIDNT KNOW BETTER! There are other fun things to do or places to go that you can have your significant other with you. It just sounds like he has a lot of growing up to do and needs to either date his guy friends or put a little space in between them!

Secondly, if that is all the time that you spend with your animals, what is he complaining about? He can't be away from you for a few hours, three days a week? Maybe he should go with you and try to do stuff with you that he may not really like. A relationship is a 50/50 give and take. My husband is not a horse man, just as I am not an Xbox player, but we both try to work in the other ones interests because we know it will keep us bonded. Even if he doesn't care for horses that much, I know he will be out there with me anyways, because it is just the thing of spending that time together. I don't expect him to sit there petting her or brushing her, but I'm willing to bet he will be there sitting with me and we will just have fun talking. It's not what you do together, its just being together. And if your boyfriend doesnt think that just being with you doing nothing is fun, then perhaps you should rethink your relationship. I do feel that you guys need time apart, as any couple does (my husband went 4-wheeling last weekend, fishing this weekend, and will be four wheeling next weekend but it's only on one day out of 7), but it shouldn't be an all the time thing and he shouldn't chose to spend the time you guys could have together, with someone or something else. I guess my main concern is, is he willing to give up his computers and such, if you were to give up the horses, or is this a one way street in his mind? Like he can have you there to watch him and support him but he wouldn't give it up if say you were jealous.

I think you two need to sit down and have a very serious talk. You guys seem to have some issues and they need to be set out on the table and dealt with before you invest any more time into a worthless cause. My heart goes out to you and wishing you the best of luck.

Sara

 

[Jill]

This may not be what's happening, but I have seen this happen with a lot of my friends over the years where their boyfriends or husbands are actually jealous of the horses. It's wierd, but I have seen it A LOT. I think a lot of men are jealous when they think "if she didn't have _______ taking up her time, she'd be spending that time doting on me." Or something along those lines.

Also, I've seen it where a wife gets the husband involved in horses thinking it will be something they share. As the husband learns, he gets his own ideas on how to do things, and there can be big clashes then, too! So sometimes it's not always great to share that hobby, it just depends.

 

[justaboutgeese]

Sounds to me like you might be getting out of this easily even if it does not feel that way now. My humble opinion is that you two are just growing apart and unless both are willing to work on the relationship the gap will just grow wider and wider. Even now with all of the bickering and arguing how much fun can this relationship be for either of you. Life is far to short to be as unhappy as you seem to be. You will be in my prayers and I hope nothing but the best for you.

 

[Sue_C.]

Read this slowly....

I really just don't get it...he's pulled away completely from the relationship in the last 6 months (we've been together for 2 years) because he thinks my horses are #1 on my list (which they quickly are becoming with his lack of attention toward me). I told him again about how I got into horses because he decided to hang out with his friends and go to the bars instead of wanting to spend time with me (i'm not 21 until next month so he's had 2 years of a tug-of-war game - go to the bars with his friends, or stay home bored with me...) so when he stopped being here to spend time with me, I found this site and fell in love with my very first miniature!

Now read this again...

(i'm not 21 until next month so he's had 2 years of a tug-of-war game - go to the bars with his friends, or stay home bored with me...)

So, am I reading this right...you think that because you aren't old enough to drink...you are too boring to sit home with.....whoo-baby...he has YOU TRAINED WELL!!! You're well on your way to becoming a life-long doormat, my freind.

I truly love him, we've been together for 2 years, but for the last year we barely see each other anymore...I get up at 6am and go to work, he sleeps in until 9am. I get home around 5pm, he gets home around 8pm...talks to me for about 10 minutes, usually a fight comes up...then he takes a shower and goes out to hang out with his friends. I feel that he doesn't appreciate me as a human being anymore...he leaves me home alone all the time.

Do you love him...seriously,

: what's left to love. He's already left, but forgot to pack... He isn't there in his soul...but his baggage hasn't left...that's all. He is getting away with it all; has a place to stay, a nice little woman there whan he wants her...and play-time with his friends while she/YOU sits home wondering "what did I do wrong...what can I do".

I think you two need to sit down and have a very serious talk. You guys seem to have some issues and they need to be set out on the table and dealt with before you invest any more time into a worthless cause. My heart goes out to you and wishing you the best of luck.

DITTO.................

And remember ONE thing...it isn't your fault; but you have enabled him to treat you this way... Take the initiative of standing up and telling him you are SO WORTH SPENDING TIME WITH!!!!!!!

Good luck, it won't be easy, but nothing worth it, ever is.

 

[Al B]

Doesn't sound like there's much long term there. He wants out and is trying to force you to be the bad guy. The horses are just an excuse.

 

[KanoasDestiny]

:aktion033: SUE_C. had some very important points in her post. Unfortunately he treats you like this because you have allowed him to. It won't stop until you stand up for yourself and tell him that you will no longer be treated badly.

I think you both are at a crossroad. You both love each other, and are afraid to be alone (2 years is a long time), and neither of you know how to take the next step in either direction. Sit him down, find out if he still wants to be together....if so, then make a plan. Make an "appointment" to spend a certain day/time together. This might start out slow, but it will give you guys a start. Go to the movies, or rent a movie. Go to dinner, just something where it is just you and him. No horses, no computers, no alcohol and best of all, no friends. If he isn't willing to do this, this that is a very big sign of just how important you really are to him.

 

[MiniHoofBeats]

Thank you everyone again, each and every one of you have made an excellent point and refer exactly to what is going on...I can't thank you all enough for helping pull me through this, I would be going crazy right now without all of you =)

During our last talk, 2 months ago, we did decide that Sunday's were going to be OUR days...we both had the day off, no work, no horses, no nothing...just us, to sleep in together and spend the day together. We successfully had a few weekends of that, but just last Sunday he really ripped my heart out when I made special plans to stay home (I was asked to babysit the horses overnight Sunday night but turned down because Sunday was OUR day...). I was a lazy bum and sat on the couch all day and he played in his computer room and took his bike out for a ride....but around 5pm I got up, took a shower and was ready to watch a movie with him or eat dinner, and I suddenly see him with his jacket on and he's leaving yet again for his friends house...on OUR day...

We tried dedicating a day and it failed...I feel like we've tried everything and it's just not happening anymore...we've been talking and decided we should take a break from each other but I don't know how much good taking a break is going to do me, when my problem already is that I don't see him enough....

 

[KanoasDestiny]

Well that idea went down the toilet.

:

Perhaps, a temperary seperation wouldn't hurt at this point. It sounds like you two have a really big gap in between you at the moment. Who suggested the break from each other? I won't sit here and say that if you guys have some space, it will bring you closer together. It's just too hard to say how it will end, and you must be prepared for the bad to happen, just as the good could happen.

My husband and I tried to seperate at our 3 year mark. I was so tired of just having him around all the time and a lot of the crap that he did. So I told him to leave because I needed space. We had been fighting non stop for months before, and this was just the last straw. I ordered him to leave and this time he didn't beg and plead with me to change my mind. Instead, he went in and started packing up. I sat down and had a really big slap in the face. After about 10 minutes, I went in begging HIM not to go. It was the last time that I kicked him out. Now granted, there have been a few times that I have up and left with nothing more than my purse, and it killed him not knowing where I was or what I was doing, or even who I was with (a guy's mind starts getting jealous over nothing). But it never lasts long, and I always come back the next day.

If you do decide a split is best for now, be the one to go. That way you know you can always come back when ever you want to. If he were to go, you would have the problem of not knowing which friend he was staying with or even if he was coming back. Wait until the next fight, then say "fine, I think we need that space now." Get up, go get a few things, and leave. Stay with your parents (you said they live somewhat close right?) and then you have the added benefit of being with your horses during the day to help get your mind off of your troubles. Let things cool down, but this will give him the rude awakening that things really need to change and that he just may lose you if he doesn't straighten up.

Most times rather than not, this is a good thing and it makes the guy/girl realize what is truly happening. In return he gets scared and makes changes, even if only short lived. However, if it doesn't work (and there is always that chance), you know that he truly meant to move on and it was only a matter of time till he did it anyways. But it at least gives you the satisfaction of knowing that you stood up for yourself and am making a better life for yourself by your own hands.

Sara

P.S. He's lucky that he isn't with someone like me because I believe what is good for the goose is good for the gander. One of those nights when he came home at 2am or 3am, I wouldn't be home (I'd stay at a local hotel or with family), and let him wonder where you are or what your doing. Maybe he would think twice about leaving, if he knew you were going to go out too.?.

 

[Relic]

lf l give up something l'm passionate about so will he or he knows exactly where the door is.

 

[MiniHoofBeats]

I just think it's really funny that one of his big points was "how much time I spend on the internet when he's home" and I told him fine, i'll disconnect the internet...and right away he turned around and said "no no no" because that would interfere with his own computer time...i'm ready to make snap changes if necessary, now i'm just waiting for him to see that...

 

[billiethekid40]

I don't know how much good taking a break is going to do me, when my problem already is that I don't see him enough....

Take the separation, what YOU will get out of it is time to re-establish your sense of self- that sense of who you are as a whole complete person instead of part of a pair. While "life is too short" to be in an unhappy relationship, you're also really young which means you have a LOT of life left to find yourself stuck in an unhappy relationship. Its time for you both to gain some prespective. Take a breather, and if you both think you want a relationship again, go into it with eyes open and being honest about each others expectations. If you can't live up to each others expectations (and be happy doing it) then NOW is the time to get out, not after you've been married and had children (IMVHO this is what happened to my parents).

This must be very scary, to face the idea of possibly losing someone you have been involved with for years and sincerely love, but during the trial you should learn one of two things. Either you really can't live without each other and will make sacrifices to be together, or you'll learn that you really can make it, and be happier, on your own- at least until the right horse loving (or at least tolerating) man comes into you life.