Manners and lack thereof

[Gizzmoe]

Okay as some of you know my relationship with my mom isn't the greatest thing in the world. Whenever she moved back to Florida I had told her that I don't want anyone showing up at the house unannouced. It bugs the tar out of me when people do that. Guess you can say I like my personal space and really hate when it is invaded. James understands and feels the same way. Does anyone else feel the same way? Anyways, even though I have told my mom this, she came by today unannounced. She claims she was just dropping mail off, which she did leave. We were not home at the time though. I politly but firmly as I could told her I did not appreciate her coming by like that. She says it was no big deal she was just dropping the mail off. Besides she didnt know when she was going to be able to come over here and she wasnt planning on coming inside. She was taking my dads cousin somewhere. Anyways right before she came over here she was at my dads, so in my opinion she could of called from there, it isnt long distance or anything. I told her that I did not appreciate her coming over unannounced period. Needless to say she responded rather rudely... quote (well excuse the h*** out of me wont bother coming over at all if thats the way you feel bye" My reply to which was it is your progative and she replied back "why you being such a lil b**** towards me all i did was drop you mail off wasnt such a big deal in my opinion" NEver once did I cuss or anything. I am really starting to think I don't want her around period if she is being this way towards me. If anyone wants a copy of the convo fully to better understand feel free to pm me. I don't want to post it fully on the forum as I don't feel it is proper to.

 

[Annetta]

I like my personal space & time too, but I have to say I'm with your mom on this one. I'd have probably said exactly the same thing she did, & then I would stick to it & not bother to come over again, nor would I bother to call. Family or not, I just don't need that kind of cr--.

I prefer to have someone call before they come over, but my mom would be the exception. It's a fact that there are always people who will just decide to stop in & see if you're home, whether they're just in the area & decide spur of the moment to stop in, or they're feeling bored & decide to take a drive & surprise you...if I had a spotless house I wouldn't mind, but I like a half hours warning so I can spiff things up quickly! :bgrin If someone drops in unannounced when I'm in the middle of something, too busy to talk or just about to head off somewhere I'll say so, otherwise I'll rearrange my time & put on the coffee & chat for awhile.

If I came home to find someone had stopped in & dropped off my mail like that, I'd probably phone & say sorry I missed you, you should have called & said you were coming. Shrug. You weren't home and didn't have your space invaded, so...

If someone drops in that you really don't want to see at that time...you could always just not answer the door?

 

[horsefeather]

Wow! Your post kinda surprised me. Your own mom? My mom passed away last year. I sure wish she could just 'drop' by for a visit!

: I like my space too, but my hubby and I have always had an 'open door' policy. :bgrin The only reason anyone calls us is to see if we're home. As far as needing a 1/2 hour to 'straighten' up.... :lol: :lol: my house is such a mess, that wouldn't even make a dent. :bgrin Everyone that knows us knows what to expect at the house, so I don't worry about what they'll think. We enjoy company, whenever. As you get older, you will get less and less company, better enjoy it while you can.

:

Pam

 

[Nickermaker]

I too like my personal space & time. But I love people to drop by even if it is unexpectedly or unannounced. Not to mention alot that do this is usually friends I haven't seen in a while. I figure if they came to see my house they really didn't stop by to see me. And if this is the case more than likely they won't just drop by again. When I drop by someones house or go to visit - I go to see the person not their house and I'd like to think the same of people stopping by to see me! And if the person isn't home when I drop by then so be it - my fault for just dropping by - and for the most part if someone has something they've got to do or really can't visit - most will politely let you know that now is not a good time for you to be there. I have had to do this a few times when people have just dropped by - but usually no one takes offense.

I have had to tell my mother that her dropping by on a time or two was not good timing. She left without hurt on anyones part. She still drops by unannounced and it is great and most of the time it is fine. And she has been here when we weren't home - no problem - either talked to her on the phone later or she came again at another time. I guess I never see dropper byers as any big deal even though I value my time and space - I also love visiting with people - family & friends.

 

[nootka]

Yeah most people don't understand when I say how glad I am that my mother is dead and gone (11 years of bliss w/out her evil presence). I do understand when blood isn't thicker than water.

In many cases, the people related to me by blood are unacceptable and must be "cut off" and so yes, they are treated like the average person.

You just had a baby and I know it's easy to get really cranky and defensive about your personal space and time, so i would just explain to people that you are keeping different hours and so you may well not be awake and you'd like it if they called first so you could prepare for a visit or if they get no answer they know not to bother til later.

I used to be a lot like you but anymore I don't mind the dropins.

In this case, though, did you not say you weren't even home when she stopped by to drop the mail? No harm, no foul, in my book. As long as they didn't expect to have a visit, then fine, but your best bet would have been to just explain that you will not be answering the door if someone doesn't call first and keep it at that. If she gets nasty just leave or hang up or however you are communicating.

Not every mother is the hallmark card we've come to know and expect, so I perfectly understand the need to keep the distance from them at times. I do remember your previous posts relating to her.

Liz M.

 

[AppyLover2]

I don't particularly like surprise visits either. But as a mother I've got to say that you've probably inconvenienced her a few times too.

 

[Marion]

I am so sorry that you have problems with your mother. I had grandparents like that. My father-in-law comes over all the time. We have just learned to grin and bear it. On the flip side if I needed him for anything he would be there in a heart beat so in my book that makes up for his dropping in all the time.

I know you are suppose to love family, and as I say about my brother and sister I love them as long as they are not around me.

 

[Marty]

Shame on you Young Lady! This is your momma that you are talking about who wiped your little hiney!!!!!!!!

Since when do you think it's necessary for your mom to have to call and make an appointment to see her own daughter, and grandbaby and just drop off the mail??????????

I'd give a million bucks to have my mama be alive and walk through my door any time.

Now, that being said, I've always had an open door to friends and the kid's friends.

That's just our way.

I have had people just move in here on us though lock, stock and barrel, and just be a daily public nuscience but I put an end to that kind of stuff and that's not what we are discussing here.

When someone just drops by to say "hello" and that's fine. Yes I may be busy and in the middle of something else that has to get done, my house may be a disaster and what's worse I may be filthy, and it may be very inconvenient too, but so freggin what??????? I'll deal with it!

Manners work both ways too.

 

[Cronewolf]

:aktion033: If you're coming to visit me come in but :no: if you're coming to view the house you don't need to visit.

:

 

[Lauralee]

Not all moms are "mother" material.

I'd prefer that my parents call before they show up also.

Don't feel ashamed.....you are an adult with your own place, stick by your guns. You have the right to expect all visitors INCLUDING family to call before they come. It treads all over your rights as a separate individual when family goes against your wishes....and this is what she intends to do....show you that your wishes do not matter.

Marty, I'm so happy that you had a terrific set of parents.....but not everyone has had a great mom.....it's too easy to pass judgement on others if you haven't walked a mile in their shoes.

 

[FFFoxyGal]

I would give ANYTHING,..to have someone come by and DROP in,....

Any takers?????? LOL

The last time we had someone come and DROP IN,....other than my mom,....was Xmas eve,..and that was only Fred's boss and his wife coming to drop off presents,....

My mom DROPPED in about a month and a half ago!

I am so people deprived that when the guy came to read the meter last month I tried to coax him in for a coffee!!!

I love drop ins,...soooo,..to speak,....Down home,...Our front door was consantly revolving,....and I was happy

Here,....Tis a very lonely life,.....hmmmmmm,...maybe I should teach Foxy how to hold a coffee cup ,...Oh never mind! LOL

No,....Dropping in by my mom or anyone else is welcmoed,..ALL the time. ( and I have had bad issues with my mom in the past but I still love her and welcome her with open arms)I wish she would drop in more often,....someday she will be gone. :no:

 

[journey]

I WISH my Momma would just drop in! I can't get her to come to my house, I couldn't even get her to come to my wedding, that was at my house.

I always have an open door, but a call 30 minutes ahead of time is appreciated, so I can tidy up a little. There is one exception, one of my friends has turned into a severe alcholic, I have asked her to call before she comes, because I do not want her drinking in front of my children. I have tried to help her, but she won't admit she has a problem. She hasn't been to my house since I asked her to call ahead of time, but I reserve the right to protect my children.

We love visitors at our house and sometimes we have strangers drop by, because they want to see the "little horse". With Sasha being a pony, they think Harley is her foal... I tell them what he is and that he and Sasha are not "related". We get a kick out of explaining that.

: :lol:

 

[CAM]

Gizzmoe,

I understand your feelings considering your past relationship with your mom. She sounds a little like someone I know.

: Mom's and daughters have a unique relationship. Those moms that understand the boundaries tend to have better interactions with their daughters than those who don't. You have every right to set limits and boundaries, even with your extended family. You need to focus on what is best for your little one right now and the rest will fall into place.

 

[mrgizzmoe]

i guess its a good thing then that i feel the same as (gizzmoe) does. since i live with her. i cant stand it when poeple come over like that because it is usually for stupid or pointless crap. i just rather not deal with it.but everyone is different.

even if she disagrees with it her mom should atleast respect it. Just because thats her mom does not entittle her to anything since she is over 18.i can say the same for us when our little girl is of age. i will just hope i did enough of a good job were i earned the tittle dad

everyone has different points of view on everything and blood realtionships is no diffent. i love my blood family but that does not mean i got to like them. blood dont mean much unless the spot is earned.

James

 

[runamuk]

Not all moms are "mother" material.

I'd prefer that my parents call before they show up also.

Don't feel ashamed.....you are an adult with your own place, stick by your guns. You have the right to expect all visitors INCLUDING family to call before they come. It treads all over your rights as a separate individual when family goes against your wishes....and this is what she intends to do....show you that your wishes do not matter.

Marty, I'm so happy that you had a terrific set of parents.....but not everyone has had a great mom.....it's too easy to pass judgement on others if you haven't walked a mile in their shoes.

I couldn't agree more. Stick to your decision she may be your mother but that doesn't immediately make her a "good" person............I know mine isn't which is why I have not seen or spoken with her in 9 years.......if she ever comes to her senses and decides to make good choices then maybe we could try to create a relationship but her current choices pose a hazard to my children................and well they come first.....hard enough keeping them out of trouble without inviting trouble into their lives

:

 

[nootka]

Runamuk, I'm with you.

Definitely no preference for blood relatives, here. Only my children at this point get any consideration for anything "special."

I think I'll go ahead and post (separately) why I feel that blood is NOT thicker than water.....

Every relationship is different and every person has to do what they feel they need to to keep themselves safe, and sane. Even if it means cutting off someone who has a close blood relation.

Liz M.

 

[Pepipony]

My mother has a VERY bad habit of walking in the back door, this annoys me to NO end as its truly like a sneak attack. She parks 10' from my front door, so use it. she also comes in my sisters back door, then up the stairs into the living room, cant hear her at all and poof, there she is. one day I bet she will get the shock of her life

: At least with me I know she is coming, with sis its out of the blue.

While I can understand why you are upset, you might have gotten a little too much so. But, then again, there may be extenuating circumstances.