I'm at my wits end

[KanoasDestiny]

For those of you who read my post last week, you might remember me. If not, to make is short and simple, my husband got mad at me and called me fat and ugly. :new_shocked:

I was on here earlier trying to help another forum member with her relationship with her boyfriend. It figures that I would be on here later with my own problem. :no: I don't have many friends and none locally, because I just never got really close to too many people, so I have no one else to vent to. I'm sorry but this is the only place I know of, where I can speak my mind. So if you don't want to read guy bashing, this would be the time to close out of my thread.

:

Since my husband has had his current job, I have noticed a HUGE change in him. I will say this again in his defense, but my husband is usually a nice caring person. He just does a lot of stupid stuff that irritate me beyond words. Anyways, my husband has friends at work (he's a mechanic) and they are all stupid immature guys. My husband is around these guys for 10 hours out of the day, and car pools with a couple of them for an additional 2 hours. They are majorly impacting my husband!!!! He says some of the stupidest things now, and can be so insensitive, not to mention the bad habits he is picking up. He has lied to me about giving a woman a ride to another building, but to make it worse, she was hitting on him and when she walked past him, she would rub his back or shoulders. :new_shocked: He never put an end to it, until the day I found foot prints in my vehicle's passenger side (he wasn't carpooling at this time), and he admitted to me that he gave her a ride. He had just told me an hour earlier that he hadn't talked to her in nearly a month! So it was just him and a woman who was always coming onto him in the car...what was I supposed to think? After I left him, we ended up making up but it still haunts me to this day. Once a liar, always a liar, especially when it deals with another woman. Anyways, all his buddies told him I was over reacting. Then he picked up gambling at work while playing poker. We have had some pretty hard situations that we have had to deal with, and I thought we were making progress.

But last week when he called me fat and ugly, just made it all bad again. I finally got over it, then he went out 4 wheeling with his co-worker last weekend. I admit, I wasn't thrilled about it because my brother's friend nearly died a year ago after crashing on one of those. I made him swear to be careful and he knew I was really scared. He left and I got online. A few hours later, he calls me up saying that he was on his way to the hospital because he crashed and thought he broke his shoulder. I was speechless at first, then asked if he was ok besides the shoulder. Then he starts laughing, saying that he was just kidding. I hung up on him and was pretty mad. But the thing that makes me the most upset, is that he spends roughly 12 hours with the guys at work, and when he gets home, they constantly text him or call him. It's as if they are obsessed with him. All weekend long, they can't live without calling him, and when he took a vacation day so that we could go to Vegas and be an extra in the new ROCKY 6 movie, they called him like 10 times. I don't feel like we have any time together, he is always tied to his friends. No matter what we do, they call or text. And to make it even worse than that, they send him nasty graffic jokes on his phone (texting). I admit that I'm not perfect but the things they send to him, I would never even think of doing. It's gross pornography jokes dealing with very graffic things on women or what they do to men. I have told him time and again that I am very disturbed by this, but he has begun telling me to "just shut up!" I am getting beyond mad at this whole thing. I actually thought he had told his friends to stop texting him such stupid things, because none have been on his phone lately.

That is until today. I don't know if you guys know what April 20th is (I JUST found out) but it is the STONER HOLIDAY. Yes, for people who do drugs, it's the day where they get twice as wasted or high. I never did drugs, so I don't know what a lot of the terms are, but I overheard my husband telling my brother what it was. He used to do drugs a really long time ago before I knew him. Anyways, my husband was trying to talk me into going to church (yeah, I know it's bad not to go but it's better than being a hypercrit in the church). I told him that I would be interested in going but that I would have to try living accordingly before I attempted to make the commitement. Today I find out that the same day he was asking me to start going back to church, he was sending a chain letter text to all his friends, telling them to have a happy 420 (stoner holiday). I am beyond disappointed in him. How can he condone such a thing, and talk about going to church? I know he did it because it was the "cool thing to do" but I am so sick of him following in his friends footsteps. I have always been a leader, and my husband is nothing but a follower. Come to find out, a friend sent it to him, and he passed it on. But he had erased the message from his friend, and admitted that he is erasing most of the messages he gets from his friends, so this leads me to believe that he is hiding things from me as well.

Am I over reacting here? Will guys just be guys, or do I have reason to be upset? I tried discussing it with him, but he kept telling me to just shut up. So here I am, writing my story on here. We have been together for 7 years and I am really getting sick of his crap. I don't trust him anymore and definately not when he is with his friends. I don't want to talk to him most of the time anymore because he tells me to shut up and I begin to feel like I am nagging him. Sorry guys for posting this, I just had to get it out before I start to cry over something so stupid. I'm getting to the point where I am just gonna leave him, and believe me, I am not afraid to be on my own. Anyways, thanks for letting me vent.

 

[Miniv]

My dear,

Don't you DARE go into "Victim Mode" over this! YOU know your formerly wonderful hubby is acting like a MENTAL MIDGET (and a jerk). Why would you take anything he says to you seriously right now? Would you take the word of a Pre-Schooler who has just discovered some new friends???

Pull yourself up by the bootstraps and get ready to make some decisions. (And remember the old adage about the "seven year itch" while doing it.) Is your marriage worth fighting for? Would you as an individual be better off WITH him.....or WITHOUT him?

The above questions are things that a counselor may want you think on -- which may be a good way to go right now. Hubby may not want to, but you can go to one without him.

Just keep your chin up and know your personal value.

MA

 

[KanoasDestiny]

Thank you for your kind words. I have thought about going to marriage therapy but if just costs too much per hour. Mark and I have been through a WHOLE lot in that 7 years. Our first years together just weren't that great and to be honest, I don't know why we stuck it out. I guess because he was my first boyfriend and I would have felt like I was a failure if I couldnt make it work. But then we hit those good years, well up until we got married. Things began to get rocky again, as my mom said they would. She always told me that once you marry a guy, they let their true selves show (as women do) because they feel that your trapped. But since I felt I had seen the worst of him, I didn't think it would get any worse. Well he started his current job the week after we got married, so it's hard to say if he changed because of us saying I DO, or because of the influence from the guys he's around. After two years of marriage, I feel like he is back sliding to who he was when we got together and I just don't know if I will stick around for that. I forgot about the seven year itch, but I guess it applies, especially since we went through our terrible two's.

:

I won't be disrespected, and that is definately how I am feeling. He is nearly 30 years old and it is about time that he gets some b**** and starts growing up. Immaturity only lasts as an excuse for so long. I guess I know why I always liked guys who were a lot older than me.

Don't get me wrong, he is a really good guy but I just feel like we are wanting two different things at this point...he wants to hang out with his guy friends and I want a husband who is going to act his age.

: I expect to be on here a lot in the next couple days, as since he keeps telling me to shut up, we'll just see how well he likes the silent me.

:

 

[Jenn]

Sit him down and call him on every single thing you've talked about here. Chances are he doesn't really "get" what a jerk he's being to you, and once you tell/show him what it's doing to you and your marriage, he'll take steps to make it better. Men love to fix things - but they can only fix it if they know it's broken. Don't let him take you for granted, don't let him walk all over you. Give him heck!

You got it right when you said your husband is a follower - so you need to make sure he's following you and not his loser coworkers.

 

[KanoasDestiny]

Thank you Jenn, you have it right. I'm usually really good at giving advice, and I do try to take my own. But in this situation, my husband will cool off, probably by the time that I get off of here, and then apologise for it. He will say this and that, and think that everything is hunky dory. The problem is, I know the routine all too well and I know what to expect. But the fact is, he doesn't change anything. He may think he will or attempt to, but once he is around the guys at work, everything that he promised or said is no longer applying. :no:

I love him, but I don't know what to do now. I am tired of the same o - same o. I'm to the point where I just want to live in the same house but not acknowledge each other. It just seems like the easiest answer to this.

:

 

[shane]

I HOPE YOU SORT THINGS OUT, BUT IM GLAD TO SEE THAT YOU KNOW THERES A PROBLEM,AND ITS NOT YOU, SO AS SOMEONE JUST SAID DONT BE THE VICTIM, GOOD LUCK, AND YOUR WORTH SO MUCH SO DONT TAKE THE DISRESPECT, [[[[HUGS]]]]

 

[chandab]

Thank you for your kind words. I have thought about going to marriage therapy but if just costs too much per hour.

Do you happen to live near a University with a Psychology department? When I was in Colorado, I decided to go to therapy (started out being a precursor to couple therapy, but ended up being just for me as my BF at the time didn't think he had any problems

: ). Anyway, I was on a tight budget so I contacted the University Psych dept and they did offer counselling services with the psychology students. I was hesitant at first to see a student, but went anyway. I ended up assigned to a Grad Student that would be graduating soon and 1 hour sessions only cost me $9.00 (cost was based on income - I worked a minimum wage job), I had sessions every two weeks for several months (the only reason they ended when they did, is because I moved back to Montana). Tomas did a lot to help me, which for me included getting out of the relationship. [he helped me with a lot of personal issues that I didn't even know were there, I felt so much better and still do.]

 

[KanoasDestiny]

I wish I/we could go to therapy!!!! I don't have a university anywhere near me, in fact I think the closest one to me is about an hour away, (possibly more) and I don't know if they offer student/therapy. But for the therapists in my town, it was $89/hour, and that was nearly 4 years ago. I can only imagine it has went up from that. But I have thought about it and checked into it. Mark would be willing to go, or at least he was then. But when we were only making minimum wage, it wasn't a possibility, as we would have needed endless hours there. lol.

I'm sure that this will just blow over just like everything else does, but I'm at the point of "when does it need to stop being blown over and actually be dealt with?"

:

 

[shortymisty]

Marriage is never easy and when you add other problems other than basic normal ones, it makes it even more difficult. It sounds as if your husband doesn't want to be married at this time and wants to be with his buds. Maybe that might not be such a bad idea. Like you said, you're not afraid to be alone, but you're alone right now, sounds like you are feeling betrayed by him which has hurt you tremendously. You can't blame his friends, he's the one that has to tell them to back off, he has a life outside of work and that life is with you. Unfortunately the more you talk to him about his friends the more he seems to gravitate towards them and his friends don't care about yours and his relationship and what he sees from you is anger towards his friends. Forget about his friends, it's not about them, it's about you and him. If he's lying to you that's another problem that you don't need right now. Maybe take a step back from your relationship with him, you can go talk with the minister of a church which shouldn't cost you a thing, if you feel uncomfortable speaking with the clergy, by all means come on here and vent away, we are all full of opinions

: . It's not easy but many people have been there men and women and maybe a man's point of view can help. But may concentrating more on you and him instead of the friends can at least be a start.

 

[KanoasDestiny]

Thank you ShortMisty. I agree with you full heartedly!!! I know not ALL of our problems are his friends fault but a good portion of them are. We just celebrated our 7th anniversary together and went to a wildlife park. He had to tell his friends not to call that day because it would upset me and in return it would ruin the whole day. His best friend told him "I'll be sure to call then". My husband had to turn his cell phone off just to make sure that no one called. To me, this defetes the purpose of having a cell phone if you have to have it turned off just so your friends don't call/text. I don't know if any of them ended up calling that day because my husband turned his phone on while I was no where to be found and he would have never told me if they had.

My problem with my husband is this...he never stands up to anyone and he just goes with the flow because he doesn't want to cause waves. This is why he is so pursuaded by his friends, and why he allowed Lindsay to touch all over him and why he didn't say no when the supervisor asked him to drive Lindasy to a near by building. :new_2gunsfiring_v1: I have a mind of my own and I think that makes it nearly impossible to see where he's coming from. I am not afraid to hurt feelings, as long as I do it carefully and tactfully. I would have no problem telling my friends to back off of my home life. I dunno but I do appreciate your guys opinions. And please, if you feel like I am the one in the wrong, don't be afraid to say it. I welcome all opinions.

:

 

[Robin1]

You can get counseling through a local church. Most times you don't have to be a member of the church either. They are much more reasonable in the cost.

Robin

 

[Lisa-Ruff N Tuff Minis]

He had to tell his friends not to call that day because it would upset me and in return it would ruin the whole day. His best friend told him "I'll be sure to call then". My husband had to turn his cell phone off just to make sure that no one called. To me, this defetes the purpose of having a cell phone if you have to have it turned off just so your friends don't call/text.

this may be a silly question but.. why does he have to answer when they call? No need to turn it off it is pretty simple just let them leave a voice mail if he doesnt want to answer

 

[KanoasDestiny]

"this may be a silly question but.. why does he have to answer when they call? No need to turn it off it is pretty simple just let them leave a voice mail if he doesnt want to answer"

:risa_suelos: Last time my husband tried not to answer his phone, they "kept" calling back. The ringing constantly even got on his nerves and he had to turn the phone off. He had told me that he went to work on Monday and told them not to call unless it is important. Whatever he told them, they must have laughed in his face because it didn't work and they still call constantly. Turning the phone off is the only way to make the noise stop!

: The night we went to do our taxes, someone texted him 4 times in less than 5 minutes and he never responded to any of them. The only reason it stopped is because he turned the phone off so he wasn't being rude to the tax lady. When we went to the filming of Rocky 6, he told everyone not to call because we couldn't have phones in there and he had to keep his on just in case an emergency happened at home (his brother was expecting a baby). After the first two calls, he had to turn his phone off. When he turned it on during break, there were like 6 missed calls on there. His friends think it is funny to get me mad or to bug him. And these are married men who have children. I can't imagine what it's like to live with them!

:

 

[MiniHoofBeats]

Well it would just not be right to not try to help you out after you've been sooooo helpful to me =)

It does sound as if your husband is a follower...you say he didn't do any of this until he started his new job, he now obviously found a new "click" of friends to hang out with and these "friends" are not respecting the fact that he is a family man, with a wife (and children?). I personally think it is disrespectful and very rude that his friends are texting him pornographic jokes, are you both paying for the text message charges or is he fronting the money for how much those dirty jokes charge on his cell phone per message? It does cost money by the way...if you haven't checked your cell phone bill lately, do it.

Now, onto the fact that he lied to you about another woman. I can see where a man would simply not tell, if he has an outrageously jealous wife, but even then it is not right to keep that a secret, especially when this woman is in your car! What he should have done is that very day, come home and let you know how his day at work went, and be up front and tell you that he did give a woman a ride because of ....... but the fact that he kept it a secret really makes me suspicious, and you have every right to feel the way you do. It's true, once a man has proven he can successfully lie and not be found out, he will do it again. A similar situation happened with me, where a lady was stalking my boyfriend and always giving me b*tch looks and being downright disrespectful of me, jumping all over my b/f and such...well I came to find out 6 months into our relationship that he had slept with her...once...before we got together, but since then has told her it never should have happened and it never will happen again...this lady was psycho by the way, she just would never give up! She did finally move after another month or so, so thank god. Anyhow, the point being, I think you should sit down and have a heart to heart talk with your husband. Let him know that it was a personal hit to your emotions when he called you fat and ugly, and then he's reading sick jokes from his friends, and THEN he's suddenly giving rides to women...that is just one thing leading to another to make you more and more suspicious...that has to be emotionally ripping you apart. And I tell you what, I wouldn't be sticking around for it either!

But before running off, do sit him down and tell him...tell him he needs to stop telling you to shut up, you are his wife, not some woman who is less than he is...he has no right to be telling you to shut up. Tell him how lately he's been being a real jerk to you and his friends have brought out a side of him you're not used to, and ask him what he gets from being mean to you that is so enjoyable...7 years of a great marriage and he's going to lose it all if he doesn't realize what he is doing. Make a list of everything he does now, that is different from before he had this job....and show it to him....see if he recognizes what he is doing to you. If he just "pfffts" the list and argues with you, he may be a lost cause...but if he recognizes a few, or even one, he still has a heart in there for you. I am so sorry you are going through this now and maybe you shouldn't listen to me because i'm still a little bitter lol...but feel free to talk to me, i'm here for you just as much as you have been there, and continue to be there, for me =) We aren't so different you know!

Hang in there girl, try to bring up a few things and try to stick it out for a while...see if you can't make him realize how he is hurting you. *hugs*

 

[KanoasDestiny]

MiniHoofBeats...why on earth were you on here asking for advice on your situation? You are full of wonderful advice yourself!!!

: I guess it is always different and more difficult in our own situations, huh? Thank you so much for posting.

I have to admit that in the past during our first two years together, I was beyond jealous. I am overweight and I always saw him peeking at skinny girls. Not doing much for my self-image, especially when I picked him out of several guys who had asked me out. I swear I'm not ugly! Or maybe I just have a killer personality?

: But I got over all of the jealousy stuff and have been fine. Actually what really makes me mad is I new about Lindasy (her always touching him) and we had even laughed about it because of how low she was, she was married with kids and knew that he was married. But then he told me that he started giving her the cold shoulder, and had told me that he didn't talk to her anymore. On that day, I just happened to ask about her, which is really weird now that I think about it because I just had that feeling. He told me that he hadn't talked to her in almost a month and that was the end of discussion. He got into the shower and I had to go out to the car to get a CD. When I saw the foot prints, I had no idea it was her's but he hadn't mentioned giving anyone a ride either. I asked him whose muddy shoes got into my car, and he had that look on his face. He ended up telling me that it was her. I must have black out because I can't remember much else. Just me packing up and leaving after some very harsh words.

Unfortunately, he is the sole provider of this family (we don't have kids unless you count the animals

and he pays for the cell phones.

But at the same time, in no way does it make it alright for him to recieve such raunchy text messages. He is in a relationship, and therefore he needs to be respectful. I just don't understand him, he has always been one of those naggy boyfriends who wanted me talk to him if something was bothering me. I have always been the type to bottle it inside. Now, when I try to discuss it with him, he doesn't want to hear it and thats when he tells me to shut up and walks away. So now, he is getting the silent treatment he so wanted! I do plan on sitting him down and talking to him when he gets home. My mom has offered to move to a bigger house where we can be room mates, if it isn't going to work out with my husband. Right now, it's so hard because my husband and I live next door to my mom and brother. So if we fight, I am right next door from him when I leave.

: It literally wouldn't work out if I decided to leave him and stay with my family!

 

[Marty]

Rule #1 :

Men do not think like women and do not realize what comes spewing out of their mouths can be hurtful. I learned a lifetime ago not to take everything they say to heart because unfortunately, they know not what they do. They do not take hints and read in between out lines. If you don't lay it out there, they'll never guess that they have made a boo boo. They are mostly oblivious.

Rule #2:

Somethings are just not worth arguing over. I tend to think first before I get pi**ed off and ask myself "does this really matter?" "do I really have to make an issue out of this one?"

Rule #3:

If you have been really upset and hurt or taken advantage up etc. etc. Then fight. Take a stand and stay there. But do be prepared to suffer the consequences.

Rule #4:

It is what it is........you just have to recognize it for what it is.

 

[Reble]

I agree with Marty

: Good Advice

Rule #5 Set boundries you can live with and stick with them.

Rule #6 Is it better to be right or be happy.

: :saludando:

 

[MiniHoofBeats]

Boy, I like rule #6 the best! If there's one thing I have been told over and over and over again in the last 2 days, it's that what matters most is that I am happy. Take good care of yourself first, and then worry about others around you, for if you are not happy yourself, there's no way you can make others happy.

It sounds hard, but it's slowly starting to sink into me that geez, I haven't been very happy at all in the last 6 months...no wonder why I can't make my partner happy, I just don't have anything left to give until I make myself happy again and usually that's after a visit out with the horses or after a good night out with the girls...sometimes even after a night spent out with him, sharing quality time together =)

Be happy! If all else fails...go hug one of your mini's =)

 

[KanoasDestiny]

I don't have a mini yet!

I won't get her until sometime in June. But once I do get her, I figure that my husband can stay at home and chat with his friends all he wants. HAHA.

I forgot to mention, I just got a part time job with the school district. Congratulations to me!!! I have been waiting since October to be offered the position, and I don't think it could have come at a better time. Right before summer, so I will have some extra spending cash, but I will be unemployed for the summer, and that's when I get Zoey. So I'll have a couple months to spend all day with her, then when school starts again, I will let her have 3 hours to herself. LOL. She'll be so sick of having me around by then, she'll be praying for the school year to hurry it up and come.

:

 

[Black Magic]

Hmmmm.... first of all, I'd like to send you a few hugs. When you start working, put your paycheck in a safe deposit box... and leave no trail and spend NO MONEY! Right now, in case things get worse, you need to worry about you... and Zoey.

Ive had a roller coaster of a life... sometimes I was financially well off, and other times, I was dirt poor. It seems to me, men don't get it, unless money is involved. When I had money... men were as thick as fleas on a dog in the summer. When I was dirt poor, down and out, no family (everyone passed during the same year), I couldn't find a man to help me, in any way shape or form. Heck, even carpooling was a big hassle when I was dirt poor. I was a single Mom, and life was pretty darn horrible.

Here's some things I learned... please keep in mind, I might be older then your Mom.

Make a copy to the key to your house, and hide it outside somewhere, with a few dollars as well as a few quarters, and a complete set of clothes. You can bury them by a tree or bush or something, but make sure, somewhere outside your house these items are stashed. Also, find the phone naro. for a women's shelter and stash that outside too.

I used to work in social services and you'd be amazed at how many men get abusive and toss their women folk out the front door.. NAKED! and lock them out. You need to be prepared for the worst. IMO

What you describe boarders on verbal abuse, and abuse rarely de-esculates, it usually esculates. He does not have the ability to behave as he should right now, so you need to protect yourself and Zoey. As far as his cell phone bill... most cell phone bills are visiable online.

Also, if you want to know what the real situation is, you can get a tape recorder and a devise that will tape all in coming and out going calls, that is virtually undetectable at Radio Shack. I was engaged to a man that I lived with, (I had a Nissan 300 ZX that he adored.. brand new), and after I was in a car accident.... and thought he was acting wierd. So what I did was I install this device on the phone. When a car accident happened, it turned out, the other woman was messing with him, when he totalled out my Zx. I would have never known this had I not of recorded all the calls. After I found this out, I was able to call her, and explain to her, that we were engaged. She said they were engaged. I told her to meet me at a restaurant, and told him to meet me there at the same time. They did. He turned to me, and said, "You did this, she's too stupid to have figured it out!". And the woman stayed with him, until he got another woman pregnant!

I have a wonderful husband now... we're also married that ugly seven year mark. He knows I don't play and won't tolerate any bad behavior. I spent many years being married to, or living with men, that I loved but always had trust problems in the background. I learned that trust and love go together. If you can't trust someone, there is little chance for true love. I had a horrible experience with a man, and made a list of what I wanted in the perfect man. My list started off with good employment history, non drinker (I can't drink), non smoker (I don't smoke and my son has respiratory problems). I wanted a man that could manage a house if necessary and loved kids and animals. One night I met my husband, who was active duty Coast Guard, loved to cook and clean, doesn't smoke or drink. He aslso loves horses and animals. I realized I had finally put my priorities in order. I think you need to do the same thing.

No one can tell you if this relationship will work or not, but we can tell you to find your own self worth, protect yourself... and think about what is the "deal breaker" in your relationship. Draw a line of what is acceptable and what isn't... and then stand on it... do not back down.

God Bless,

Lynn W