I need some input/ need to rant

[stormo41]

Hi everyone.

well this is my issue, me and boyfriend moved in with each other about a month ago. Everything is going very well with us but for some reason his mom and older brother think i'm evil and needless to say we don't get along all to well but we stand each other when we have to.

The other day when i came from work my boyfriend told me that his mom wants me to sign something saying that if we break up or anything happens to rob I wont go after any of her money, she has bonds in his name or something. I do believe in Canada or at least Ontario that once we have been living together for 6 months we become a comman law couple. My boyfriend told me that he told her i would not sign it but she has not asked me yet and i know she will. I don't really want to sign anything like that...even more so if she is going to write it up. I don't even know what it is that she doesnt want me to have, not that i would go after anything if something were to happen, but of course she thinks i'm evil and that i don't really love her son rather his money and her money.

I know it's no uncomman to have in-law issues/problems, but i think this has gone to far now....we are not even in-laws yet! I have never done anything to his mom or brother to make them think of me this way, I have always been nice and sociable to them. I even bought things for his brothers house and dog when my boyfriend was living with his brother.....not to mention of a top to bottom cleaning of his house (it was really nasty). it is very frustating for me to not be accepted by his mom and brother, but at the end of i day i know it doesn't matter because i'm in love with him and he is in love with me and that is all that matters. But what really makes me mad is the way they treat him. for example my boyfriend got is BA in couputer sicince a few weeks ago, not only that but with hounrs, and had the highest mark in his class and was awarded the deans prize for the highest mark of everyone graduating that day. My parents were there and my dad said to his mom that she must be so proud of her son she said that he could have done better if he took eaiser courses. She always says he can do better at everything school, work, life choices. she also tells him he is a bad son if he doesn't or cant drop everything when she needs something fixed. or when he wont drive her to Ohio (from Ontaio) when he has classes. His brother is the same way, when rob was living with his brother his brother wanted him to make him breakfast everyday even though rob is gone for work when his brother is just waking up, and take him out for lunch everyday he is off work or starts after noon. He tells rob that he is cheep because he wont spend $200 to go snowboarding with him, meanwhile rob doesn't even like snowboarding, his brother would leave him on the beginner hills to go the advanced hills so they wounld not evern be spending the day together. anyway i just relaized that i've been going on and on for much to long.

thanks for letting me rant

 

[mininik]

Seriously, just ignore her and his brother. Act nice, but not to the point where it disrupts living your own lives. Quit buying crap and doing things for these people if they don't appreciate it and you don't like how that makes you feel. You shouldn't have to BUY their favoritism. Don't play their games or feed into their bullsh*t. Your boyfriend is a grown man now and if he wants you to sign something it will be between you and him.

 

[CrescentMinis]

Amen to what Nik said above.

If you take the high road (treat them decently...the way you would any casual acquaintance, but don't allow yourself to be a doormat--which I can see you will not!) and don't play their games, eventually they *should* give up on trying to manipulate you and your boyfriend..

Forgot to say....I would NOT sign anything. This woman has no reason to try to push that on you.

 

[Charley]

If she asks, simply say no. I wouldn't say anything else to her about it.

 

[Minimor]

I wouldn't sign anything she wants signed. Stuff like that is between you and your boyfriend; I hope, though, that she doesn't convince him that if you won't sign it then he should break up with you. I don't know if she has that much power over him or not, but sounds like she would like to have.

It seems very likely to me that this woman wouldn't like any girl her son would find--she wants to control him, and though she would never admit it, no girl is good enough for him, and especially not a girl who stands up to her. Perhaps if she found some little door mat type person that SHE picked out & introduced to him--a girl that she could control & manipulate--then she might be okay with that, but she doesn't want him being with someone who might encourage him to have a life seperate from her & her other son. It doesn't matter how nice you are, or what you might buy for her & the brother, or what you might contribute to the family in general & your boyfriend in particular, she isn't going to be happy with you.

Oh, and if you ever do agree to sign something, don't actually sign it until YOUR lawyer has had a chance to read it through & give you his advice on it!

 

[Doobie]

You may want to worry about what goes on between you and your guy ... and if its great, then keep it up!

As for her wanting you to sign anything, it would not be legal anyways! You have no claim on anything that belongs to her, unless she left it to you!

Yes after 6 mths you are considered common law and yes you would get half (then so would he!!)

You can't choose your 'out' laws so don't worry about it, be polite, be considerate (no matter what she is your guys Mom and even though he may knock her down he may not like it in the long run if you do)!!!

 

[Jill]

Oh, man. I'm not overly fond of my in-laws, either. Ignore her and the would-be brother in law. What I would resent so much is them trying to stick their noses in our business. Just ignore them and tell your boyfriend (firmly) that you and him are in the relationship and don't need her meddling anymore than you would into her romantic relationships.

(URGH!)

H's family wouldn't have the nerve, but just thinking of it gets me worked up -- so I can imagine how you must feel. Just lay the ground work with an eye to not allowing her to be poking her nose in where it doesn't belong because if you don't now, it could be something you regret later.

As a side note, I have not clue about the "common law" laws where you live, but I do know in VA, you are not considered common law. Despite the fact that we refer to the state as "the Commonwealth of Virginia" and that many people think we have common law marriage here. We do not, and I know this to be fact. In this Country, most if not all of the states that do allow for it are the ones with heavy Mexican / Hispanic influence (just something I find interesting).

Good luck!

 

[user 488]

Why can't people just mind their own business. I have to say that your boyfriend has the power to stop this, or at least TRY to stop this meddlesome behavior and it is his job to do so. Things like this are between him and you and the rest just need to butt out. This just might be a taste of things to come so he needs to come to terms with putting his family in the right place now before it takes a toll on your relationship.

 

[minimomNC]

Don't sign anything and don't give in to her. You and your boyfriend should live the life you want to live. Life is to short to worry about the petty stuff. Tell her politely that you are in a relationship with her son, not her and if he doesn't feel the need to have you sign anything then your not going to. What will happen if you do is years down the road when you might have a family together and something happens to him, she will hold that paper over your head when more than likely you and your SO would have forgotten about it. As for in-law issues, I am with you there. My husband's father always said I had a place to live should anything ever happen to my husband. Well guess what, my husband died and his fathers wife wanted to sell the house I lived in and they evicted me because I didn't pay rent. It was two years after my husband died but it still went against everything my husband was sure of. What they didn't know is I closed on my farm 10 days before their lawyer sent me the notice. Darn, I should be upset that had to pay all that money to the lawyer LOL. NOT...... So you two live and love life, in case it does end to soon.

 

[lilhorseladie]

I say marry him...That will fix her!

 

[Marty]

Oh my goodness. Please don't even think of signing anything. That woman is a piece of work. She needs to go back into her own home and make herself a salad or something and stay out of your business. What nerve.

 

[CrescentMinis]

Oh Marty you are so awesome

I saw your name and came back to this thread just to see what you wrote

Too funny!!

 

[susanne]

Just be certain that you and your boyfriend are reading from the same page.

She is obviously trying to drive a wedge between you...it sounds like your boyfriend knows what she's up to, but if he's put up with her crap for his whole life, it'll be a hard habit to break. And don't let his mother paint you as the one coming between him and his family...you can bet she'll try.

You two are going to have to talk and work on this problem constantly.

Take care.

 

[LisaF.]

OMG..In-laws with money...I know too well about that.

I think sometimes people with alot of money can't stand someone standing up to them if you know what I mean. Well, I was raised mostly by a single mom...I was very independent at a young age, so I was not one to be TOLD what to do..LOL. My father in law couldn't handle it, when my husband and I got married.

He tried to control where we lived, down to what we drove. The funny thing is we were the ones paying for these things. We were young and poor and bought a Cheverlet car once. OMG...we committed the biggest sin. He is FORD all the way...He yelled at us forever. We stood our ground and the most important think is your boyfriend will have to help you with this. That was so many years ago we can all laugh about it now, but it wasn't funny back then.

I think sometimes people with alot of money ..think you are after their money...or ..always use to controlling people, most of the times their kids.

Well, my husband no longer lived with them..we were married so the control was GONE. I was never one to be controlled. So, that was very hard for them and us for years.

I can say now...I could ask them for ANYTHING and they would help me out. In fact, I have had to ask them for things. Of course, we have been married 26 years so they really know me now. We are family.

My advice is don't be a doormat, your boyfriend will have to stand behind you. Give them a little time to trust you. DON'T SIGN ANYTHING!

That signing thing blew my mind away. I thought I had it hard in the beginning with my in-laws. They never asked anything like that.

In fact, 13 years ago my husband and I built our dream home. They sold us 5 acres for $1.00..( we had to make it legal). They put the land in BOTH of our names. We didn't even ask they just done it on their own.

So, this can work...it just may be hard for awhile. OH, and yes be nice..but, also be yourself!

I hope I helped a little from my experience.

 

[Miniv]

Common law after SIX MONTHS??? Wow.

I was the side of the family with "the money"..... and I'm saying DO NOT SIGN ANYTHING.......

If your boyfriend pitches a fit.....I would think carefully about your long range relationship. If the boyfriend's mother pitches a fit and the boyfriend doesn't support you? Again, think carefully about a long term relationship and/or marriage with the guy.

Tell him if it ever gets to the point of marriage you will consider a Prenuptial Agreement, as long as there were no children involved........Period. The whole thing is stupid.

 

[LGahr]

I agree don't sign anything.

I do not agree about ignoring either the mother or the brother. Regardless of the details and imperfections, every mother loves her son or daughter. This woman gave birth to your boyfriend, she has first dibs and always will. Try to understand what is in his heart. No one ever said a heart or love is rational. No one can control the hurt or ache for an absent parent even if those involved don't admit it--that pain is still there. If you love him you will do your best to help build a relationship that is warm and loving or all of you will be hurt. You can't control what is deep in your heart. This woman was the first influence on his life--she must have done something right if you love him. Remember I said "help build" no one can expect you to do it all--but do your fair share for your own peace of mind.

Best of luck--peace out.

 

[HGFarm]

Good grief! If she asks, tell her flat no.

Have you and your guy talked about this? Perhaps he needs to tell Mama to back off and mind her own. If you two are happy, this is just going to keep driving wedges in your relationship. Remember, when you marry someone, you marry the whole family, like it or not. So be prepared.

Sounds like she is more paranoid about her $$. Has she even really gotten a chance to know you? Or you know her? What a shame.... life it too short for that kind of stuff!

Maybe you should just tell her you heard what she wanted, and that you think it is disrespectful to even imply such a thing. Maybe if she thinks she makes enough 'noise' she will break you two up... ?? Tension gets to everybody after a while and wears things thin.

 

[stormo41]

thanks for the advice everyone. I really never wanted to sign this thing but i wanted to see what other people thought before i made my mind up.

for those of you who asked me and my boyfriend have talked about this alot, he is often ashamed of how his mom and brother act around me and he always sticks up for me when they say something rude about me behind my back. It has put some strain on our relationship, I always know if he has visited his mom or brother when i come home from work just by the way he is talking...they always seem to upset him. His mom did have almost complete control over him before i came in the picture, he had to drive her car so she got to say when and where he could go and who he could see. I guess when i came into the picture he started standing up to her.

I really just wish we could all get along....i've never been anything but nice to them, maybe one day they will that.

anyway thanks for hlep, and i'm glad you all feel the same way about the signing thing as i do.

-Vanessa

 

[justanothercowgirl]

hey Ness,

Glad to hear things are going good with Rob. Perhaps if Momzilla is so concerned about the investments they have together they should split it up and reinvest it so it is no longer an issue. It would be a perfect world if she took note of the fact that you have an education and a full-time job and pay your own car payments and your not half bad LOL

But the reality of it is Rob knows all that and loves you and he's the one who has to deal with his family, you really can just smile sweetly and say "no thank you". As long as you and Rob keep the lines of communication open when it comes to problems that arise in your relationship and work together to work them out you are well on your way!!

Come and visit me sometime soon!!!

Pam

 

[Kim]

I didn't have time to read all of the responses, but just wanted to say that if you're wondering about your legal rights, you need to get advice from a lawyer rather than relying on what people tell you over the internet. "Common Law" is a term that means different things in different instances and for different purposes. For Federal purposes you can declare "Common Law" status after only a year of living together (which allows you to file your taxes jointly if you choose to do so). However, yhings like division of property are in the provincial domain and each Province has their own family law statute. Ontario's does not provide for division of property for couples who are not legally married no matter how long they have been living together. So even if you're together for 10 years and you have kids and own a house together, it's not automatically 50-50 like it is in some other provinces (Alberta, for instance). I believe, though, that Ontario legislation does provide for spousal support for couples living together, but the time period would be much longer than 6 months - 3 years, I would guess. Anyway, a good place to start would be a read of Ontario's Family Law Act, and a visit to a lawyer that specializes in Family Law. He or she can give you information on cohabitation agreements, which can be a great way to protect both parties.