Help with teenage daughter !

[mad for mini's]

Please share your experiences with boyfriends that have given you red flags. How did you handle it ? Sit and wait for her to wise up/ forbid seeing/ limit time spent ? We are trying everything but she won't listen, she keeps defending everything he does or says. Every discussion we have with her about it sounds the same as the last and we don't want to push her away.

Our situation : daughter is 17 and has had this boyfriend for 7 months now. He's obbessed with her ( he has to hear from her or see her everyday and if she doesn't call him exactly at 9 pm he is calling her by 9:02, his facebook page is 99% about her, he recently graduated and at his openhouse the collage of his future he made was 100% pictures of them together) he also has anger issues ( I have seen his temper when he doesn't get his way, I've been the cause of it,but so far she says he hasn't done so with her) and control issues ( he does everything for her, even if it isn't his place to do so) and he is very manipulative. I've had a friend that works with mental patients in an institution meet him and later tell me he is dangerous. I trust this friend and what he told me just backed up what I have been feeling all along. She loves him to no end and he is planning to marry her when she turns 18 (in May). I know if this happens, he will have complete control over her and if she were to ever want to leave, he would not allow it. From what we've seen and heard both of us are fearing that he would hurt her or worse.

Sorry this is so long , we are getting desperate and are considering seeking counceling for her as well as for ourselves on how to handle this. I'm hoping that coming here will give me some ideas on what else to try. Thanks.

 

[Mominis]

Oh geez! Whatever you do, don't stop her from seeing him! That's a sure way to send her running to him. It sounds like she's probably in love for the first time and first loves are so frightening for both kids. They are modeling what they interpert as the way people in love act because they just don't know how to handle their feelings right.

You sound like a very good parent, but the very best thing you can do is enforce curfew, don't be negative about the guy in front of your daughter, and try to get her involved in an outside activity that really captures her imagination that will expose her to other kids her age.

Not to be the bearer of bad news, but my dad felt the same about my first love. Dad was positive he was a bad seed because of the crowd he hung out with. He forbade me from seeing the guy, which didn't work and only drove a wedge between us. He changed my school to an all girl's Catholic school, which I became a professional at skipping out on. Everything he tried just brought on that teenage rebellion and made my relationship with my father more strained. It was also the first time I ever found out that parents can really be wrong. My husband and I have been together 25 years and I couldn't ask for a more supportive, loving, and giving man.

 

[Reble]

Unfortunate at this age, you can only be there for her.

You will drive her towards him if you set rules and he will be sure to take full control, that is what he is hoping for, even the best of girls, cannot see past what they think is love. Good Luck, have patients, and stay calm.

 

[Miniv]

The boy is a classic controller and obsessed. But to your daughter, everything he's doing is wonderful because his focus is all on her.

You do NOT want to forbid her to see him or you'll push them even closer and away from you! Allow them to date but be strict about curfew. *I'd also invite him into the family activities every chance you can get. Keep him close. You can keep an eye on things better that way. (Have him come into YOUR circle instead of her going to HIS.)

Don't poo poo an "engagement". Instead, point out that the man should give a ring to make it official and you and she need time to PLAN the wedding. They both also should be looking at how they are going to support themselves and you could advise your daughter to plan on having at least one year of schooling beyond high school by the time she gets married, ie - community college or a trade school in an area of her interest. (Planning a wedding comfortably usually takes about a year, and this would allow her to attend some extended schooling....where she'd meet some new people and expand her horizons - hint, hint.

BUT don't tell HER the reasoning.) Having her attend some extra schooling will assist her in finding a good job to add to her future husband's income once they are married.

My suggestions come from our fostering a number of teenage girls, plus how MY parents handled things when I got engaged at age 17. My dad didn't like him either, but my mother allowed things to continue and he was invited at every holiday or family activity.... The plan was for us to be married mid way through my college years, but by then my view of life had changed and we went our separate ways.

Here's to GROWING UP!

 

[LittleRibbie]

Mominis and Miniv both appear to have great insight and advice.

Me.....I say...Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.

Invite this guy to every thing you do as a family...just suck it up and have him over for dinner,lunch,watch a movie,curfew ends maybe at 10 but he can come to your house till 11:00.

Not sure why I'd ask but have you met his parents yet?

Wishing you the best

 

[Katiean]

My brother has the same thing happening. She is 17 and he is 19. He works and she is taking school on the computer since she won't do her work at school. Personally I would make rules that if you don't abide you don't go out. They can still be sent to juvenile detention. In my brothers case this boy (and he acts about 12 years old) will eat dinner at their table with a stake knife. I would say "use good manors or go home to eat". He will just wallk into thier home I would tell him "knock or do not come over". He spends the night (on the sofa). I would say if you are getting back to late to drive 15 mins. then end your date a bit sooner. My brothers step daughter has already been picked up as a runaway so the next time she goes to jail. I would remind her that if she doesn't like not seeing her "Love" and she wants to run away over it, she can go to juvie and Not see him there and comunication between them can be stopped when she is there. Kids today think they are grown at age 13 and if parents would parent them insted of trying to be their friends the would have more controll when they turn 17. Oh yes, and I would push him spending LOTS of money on her. If he doesn't want to spend HIS money on her remind him he isn't going to date her forever and that what married people do. Dad works and gives the money to support his family which is HER.

Ok, I have put on my flame suit go ahead

 

[~Lisa~]

IMO the worst thing you can do is set her up to hear what she thinks will be an I TOLD YOU SO...

It is hard to watch them go down a path you would not choose for them very hard. Hard when someone else has more control over their decisions then you do.

If it were me I would do like someone else said friends close enemies closer.. I would do your best not to let her see your true feelings for this guy. Be supportive and positive and sadly she will have to figure this one out on her own - it will happen a lot quicker if she does not have the "having to prove you wrong " thing going on.

At some point she will see him for what he truly is and that may be a great guy who truly loves her or may be a not so nice guy all you can do is be there for her either way and hope that she will see it sooner rather then later

 

[Marty]

Aren't teen agers an amazing phenomena ???

I'm not making light of this I really am not but so far I haven't heard not one thing where this boy has hurt your daughter. Sounds to me like he is loyal and head over heels in love with her. I'll give it to you from the flip side from the mom of those dastardly boys.

I've been there sorta with both boys acting obcessed with girls from time to time and you can talk till the cows come home and it ain't gonna make no difference. They will lie and sneak out, hide under the bed with the phone in the middle of the night......and you ain't going to break them up until they want to be broken up.

So here's what I would do and actually what I have done and it would be backwards for you:

Invite that bad boy over. The one you think is Ted Bundy. Get to know him. Try to see what your daughter sees in him, look for the good stuff and have an honest possitive attitude. I'm here to testify that sometimes we rush to judgement because the truth be told, no one was more obcessed with a certain boy than me. My entire bedroom was covered in his pictures. Today, we have MySpace which is essance to them is like a kid putting pictures all over the bedroom walls.

Ok anyhow getting back to it, first provide food. I am so not kidding. Feeding guys is a great ice breaker. Do not take "I'm not hungry" for an answer, get that boy feeding. Now, plunk these kids on the couch and be nice! I mean genuinely nice and not fake. Be firm, but respectful of him. Do show him respect. Then let it all hang out and voice your concerns about the control issues and let him know how you feel about it and tell him to flat out back off with the control stuff and inform him that is not a way to have a healthy relatinship. Do not get rattled and act like you are looking for a fight. Be firm and matter of fact.

Now then, you have the fact that your daughter is 17 going for you. You still have power and you do need to use it, but use it wisely. Remind the boy she is jail bait and how you expect her to be treated.... again being firm and respectful but keep the food coming. I would ask the boy to please remove her pictures from his MySpace because this is an issue of safety. And be firm about that too because it is honest and true and actually he has no right to be doing that considering her age. No room for debate there.

Now follow this meeting up with a call to his parents just so they know you had this talk with their son cause I swear I would want to know if something like this was going on with my boys. And be sure to tell Romeo that you will be calling his mom to inform her of "this talk", just so he is aware that you are. Not to tattle, just to touch base so that you are all on the same page with this stuff. Once you clear the air a bit I think you all feel better. Give this more time and it will probably fizzle out eventually.

 

[jacks'thunder]

Wow you have some great advice! I don't have much to add because alot of this wonderful advice, I feel, is right on! When I was younger I had a controling boyfriend. We spent every hour together that we could, I quit school for him. He didn't want me around anyone else. We got engaged at 17. Things happend and we parted ways. I went back to school, him and I became good friends and we got back together. He passed way in a big car crash that year. Which was a whole different type of crazy mess! LOL! I look at the whole thing as part of my life growing up and a great learning experience that made me who I am. My mom was supportive throught the whole crazy thing(she did let me know what she did not approve of) and you know what she kept us close! So I think these words of advice from these wonderful people are right on.

Good luck! (pm me if you need to talk!)

 

[mad for mini's]

Thank you for the replies and advice, there are a few things posted here that we are going to try including strick supervision. There is really too much information about the situation to be posted here. This is way beyond infatuation. Our daughter has always been the kindest, most polite and thoughtful girl ever, we are so proud of her and she has never given us a moment of trouble,ever. That has not changed. Her 19 year old boyfriend seems to think he can now make decisions for us regarding her and she listens to him. We have had talks with him before and each one is just a rehash of the previous one, he is a manipulator with everyone around him and uses people however he can to get what he needs. He has had no father in is life, was raised mostly by his grandmother. I have met his mother but she really has no control over him or much of an influence. He is only respectful when it suits his needs and gets totally out of control verbally when he gets frustrated, so much so,after the most recent occurance, my husband requested that I lock the deadbolts while he was away. There is way more to it than what I've posted so far but this gives a pretty clear indication that this kid is mentally unstable at this point and not us being paranoid as parents.

 

[Ashley]

Restraining order?

 

[mad for mini's]

A restraining order has been suggested by a close family friend but we want this to be her decision to break up with him. We don't want her to start sneaking around to see him or let him talk her into doing so.

I would really like to push his buttons and get him to slip up in front of her but I'm sure that would only make me look bad.

 

[~Lisa~]

I stongly caution against a restraining order.. for 2 reasons..

One -if she is still wanting to see him it will do no good and only encourage her to move out with him so you have no control

Two- if he truly is a danger and she really wants to stay away from him just consider the fact that getting served a TRO usually does nothing more then totally inflame the situation and the police can be of NO HELP unless they catch him actually breaking the TRO and usually that is not an easy thing to do

A restraining order can be more dangerous then not as that little piece of paper is surely not weapon proof- I am not saying they are not good but I am saying IN MY EXPERIENCE one has to think long and hard about the consequences of having one issued - consequences of the person who it is served against and their reaction as well as the consequences that can lead to for the victim.

Not trying to be negative just going with what has been reality for myself and my family.

And just a little reminder to everyone with a teenage daughter.. it is always a good idea for mom and daughter to take self defense classes together.. just never know when they can come in handy

 

[Katiean]

The thing you need to remember and get her to understand is that YOU are still responsable for her so YOU still have controll over her. Law inforcement is a big help in this. If she sneaks out (which my brothers daughter did) Call her in as a runaway. They brought my brothers daughter home in handcuffs. She was told the next time she would go to juvnille detention not home. She snuck out again and the boyfriend was contacted by the police at work (they walked across a wet cement floor he had just finished)and told if he even talked to her with out surrendering her HE would go to jail (he is 19). She stayed at other friends houses and didn't contact the boyfriend so he would not go to jail. One of her friends called my brother and he retrived his daughter because he put the word out that ANYONE harborring her would get criminal charges filed aganst them and their parents. you can regain controll.

 

[ohmt]

My biological father, who I like to refer to as 'the sperm donor' was like this boy. My mother was the 4.0 homecoming queen and they decided they were in love. My grandmother disliked him to the core and was very open about it. She told my mother she had to stop seeing him.

WELL, long story short, in order to stay together they decided to have me so my grandmother couldn't keep them apart. My mother had me when she was 18, forfeiting her full scholarship to a college in Colorado.

My mother has THE worst taste in men ever and I have been with her through the years as she has made multiple mistakes. 3 of them were abusive to her mentally and physically and 2 of them she eventually had to get a restraining order against.

Honestly, the best thing you can do is to not say anything about the relationship because no matter what, to your daughter you are going to be wrong and she will stay with him even if she doesn't want to just to P*** you off. She is going to have decide for herself if the relationship is unhealthy. But at the same time make sure you know what's happening, be there for her, try to keep them around you as much as possible without coming across as being a helicopter mom (the one that is always hovering over their childs head). Ask when she'll be home so you know right away if anything happens.

Maybe rent a few movies about crazy boyfriends/husbands-I know there are plenty. Have a mother/daughter night and watch them. Maybe something will click!

Oh, you can also go over what happens when someone her age gets married. I don't know what all you pay for her or what her plans for education are after high school, but getting married before you're finished with college is expensive. My mom pays for my health insurance, car insurance, cell phone, and has even made a few payments on my car. If I were married right now, I'd have to pay for all of that on my own. I can barely make rent, electric, cable, internet, groceries, gas etc each month working 30+ hours per week along with 18 credits. SO, if it comes to marriage, sit down and map it all out for her.

 

[shadowsmystictopaz]

Dateing a controlling guy can be very scary emotionally and mentally I can tell you that from exsperience of my own. Best thing to do is let your daughter figure things out on her own. Eventually she will see that there isnt a easy way to stay with this guy. The constant phone calls texts and insecuritys and stalking like behavior will cause her to break in some way. I will be [raying for her tonight before I go to sleep mega hugs

 

[Bonny]

Do you have relatives in a different state that you can trust?

I had a controlling boyfriend, parents warned and warned me. They did all the good advice your getting, let us eat at their home, movies etc....

It all came to a head when he got angry with me at my cousins house, and I got tossed out the moving car door.

I was sent to live with a relative out of state, he followed and trapped me in a hotel room.

My relative had police come and get me, He was sent packing back home and I stayed in a different state.

My thinking is, if you have a relative in a different state, maybe a short break living with them, would clear the air.

I can only assume about the possibility of this boy doing drugs because of his mood swings.

I would also strongly advise counseling.

 

[MindyLee]

I know what your daughter is going through and I dated one of those "jerks" not to long ago. (right before I got married). It took me 6 years of on and off dating him and being mentally abussed & mind controlled and always sticking up for him and making exusses why he was that way to everyone. It took its toll on me and made me feel like the lowest piece of crap in the world. BUT one day I did wake up and smelled the flowers and realized I lost all my friends, and familys respect cause of him and I did'nt deserive it anymore. So I packed all my stuff and moved out while he was at work. I did have a apartment while living with him cause he hated my cat so I paid for her home while he made me stay at his. I went back to my place grew a back bone very quickly and when he showed up to my door yelling and screaming and threating me, it was hard and I cryied and was scared, but I stood my ground and said it was over. Yes I was harassed and he did'nt just go away at first BUT from there on and even to this day he still contacts me trying to get me back (and he dose know Im married). And now that I have myself confidence back and through all the horriable stuff he did to me back then I can say to his face proudly and do it with a smile "GET F*****!

Not saying it will eventually blow over but it can.

Your her mom and she knows that you and Dad will be there for her no matter what! Even if she dont express it verbally.

I hate to say it, I'm sure he drinks or dose drugs if not both.

 

[Mini Horse Lover]

HOLD THE PHONE!

This exact situation happened to me this year!

I was dating this guy and he was more than obsessed. He was just flat out needy and just a little baby. If I didn't call him then he called me. He would show up at my house if I didn't answer the phone because I was taking a shower or something. I conveniently was at college and he would text and call non stop and ask what I'm doing and want updates. My parents HATED him. I didn't really see it at the time why but then I found out fast.

I met a guy at the college. We became friends and we started hanging out. We fell in love and the boyfriend felt a compelling reason to come see me valentines day when I clearly told him that I didn't want him anymore. He came up and we spent the weekend together and I let him know I didn't want him. But he convinced me and we were together. Then the love of my life waltz in and we hung out and it made me feel alive again

I told the boyfriend that we were done. SO OBSESSIVE! Would NOT leave me alone. Eventually I ignored him and finally took the advice of my parents. They clearly said, "If you start hanging out with other guys then you will find out what you have been truly doing to yourself by staying with him." And it worked. Now I'm so much happier and love this guy more than anything because he's supportive and not clingy. Tell her that if she hangs out with other guys than she will realize that there are great guys out there. I think she needs to realize that clingy=bad. This guy wanted to marry me too and at the time I was alright with it and then I was like "what?" This guy is a typical controlling guy. Do everything you can to convince her that it's not right! I thought about it and could never see that guy being controlling or any of that. Well his next girlfriend got knocked up and she broke up with him because he is demanding to know if he's the dad when he clearly is. And doesn't leave her alone and stalks her. Don't let that happen to her! The ex knows where I live and thank god I'm moving. Do not let her stay with this guy! I'm 19 and I can relate! If you need help then talk to me!

 

[PondlakeMinis]

Hi, when my daughter was 17 she started seeing someone 15 years older than her. I was not happy but knew I could not forbid it as I knew she would probably sneak out. anyway, I went to a counseler about this. I needed to know how to deal with it. this is what he told me: He asked me if I belived in a higher being (not necessarily God) who looks out for me. I said Yes as I have been helped various times by Angels. I felt this as a fact. (I know some might think this is nonsense) so He said "YOU HAVE TO HAVE THE FAITH AND ASSURANCE THAT THIS BEING WILL TAKE CARE OF YOUR DAUGHTER WHEN YOU ARE NOT AROUND."

this helped me. My daughter did marry him when she turned 18. they were married for 7 years and she finally left him. she is 35 now and very happy with her life. has a wonderful man in her life.

Long story, you have to hang in there and accept, not like or love but accept. my thoughts are with you.

cyndia