Got a problem with a couple of teens

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Marty

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They are both very young, nice kids and they just got married. 18 & 19 .They are very good friends of my boys and I do approve of these kids very much. They don't drink, smoke, cuss, no drugs and go to Church. The girl is shy, just started nursing college and doesn't say much. Just follows him like a puppy dog.

The problem is that they have had no family life whatsoever. One has been raised by a very senior grandparent, the other has had a multitude of daddys. Neither speak to their parents at all.

The problem is that they both are lacking in the social graces department badly. I won't go into great details, but they are here daily right after work and would stay all night long if I didn't interrupt and remind them that it's time for them to go home. It's midnite again and they are still here. They do work but don't seem to get tired and want to go home to bed.

They are here for dinner every single night. Not that they are asking me to feed them, but I can't serve dinner without telling them to "have a seat." But if I didn't, they would just stand there and watch everyone eat and think nothing of it. Half the time they already ate and aren't hungry so they aren't here for the food.

I did tell them to please not come during our dinner hour because that is our family "private time" where we sit and discuss "stuff"......So I told them not to come over between the hours of 6:00 and 8:00 Pm. It worked only for 1 night. The next night they were right back here immediately after they got out of work and every night since. I said to them "thought you were going to let us have our family time" and they said they forgot. They both forgot?

They also took it upon themselves to invite some people that I didn't even know to Michael's dinner party last night. Here they came, with 4 other people that I was not expecting and I was just like "huh?" Who are these people? My boys didn't hardly know them. Good thing I had made extra food. I took them aside afterwards and explained that I was caught off guard and that it would not have been nice if I didn't have enough food to go around. They didn't get that. They just saw these people at the store and said that Michael was having a party and asked them if they wanted to come along. I explained that was not their call to invite people here. I got a blank stare like they just didn't understand why. They didn't get that. Finally he said "why not, they are nice people"

He didn't even go home and clean up after work before the dinner party. I told him he should go home and clean up but that dinner was already on the table. I had to drag him off in the bathroom and tell him to wash his face and hands. I asked him if his mother didn't ever teach him to wash up before dinner. He said his mother didn't teach him anything. That he raised himself.

Weekends around here have gone to heck. We always have our family junk to do around here but not anymore. They will be here about 10:00 AM. Last weekend I told them that we were doing a clean up and not to show up unless they planned on bringing a rake and a paint brush. That didn't discourge them. They were here all morning and into the night. They just sat on the porch swing while we worked. I asked them a million times if they didn't have something of their own to do and they just said they liked sitting on the porch.

I have talked to the boys about this too. They don't want to hurt their feelings. No one does. Jerry feels sorry for them and heck, we all do, but they are taking over here. they said this is the closest thing they ever had for a family. But why they heck did they pick mine???? It's a far from the Brady Bunch. They have a place to live. I finally just plain out told them to please just PLEASE GO HOME and STAY HOME for a while. Now if that's not kicking them out what is?

Tonite I told them that right after watching Sister Act with the boys that it's time to go. They said ok. I told them that this weekend we have to accomplish a lot of things here and told them not to come by because the boys will not have any time to spend with them. They said ok.

I'm sure they will arrive at the crack of dawn anyhow. How can I possibly lay the law down around here with these kids?

What am I going to do??????
 

justaboutgeese

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If they show up just stop being quite so polite. Tell them You will phone and invite them when you are feeling up to sharing some time with them, then just escort them back to their vehical. Some people are a bit slow to take a hint. We had drop in company (the very worst kind) one evening after a very long day of planting one spring. I just got up and went to bed telling them to turn off the lights when they left.
 
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Marty

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It's 1:30 am and they ARE STILL HERE in the room watching movies. Everyone is sleeping except me and them. I'm going to tell them that they have to leave right now. I'm really not rude as a rule, but this is out of hand. Been going on now for the past couple of months since he moved up here and got married. Was a lot better when he lived wherever he used to live. OK wish me luck. I need some sleep!
 

jdomep

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Well...did they go or are the having eggs,grits and bacon.
 

ChrystalPaths

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Marty, key words: YOUR home, family, farm, food, LIFE. You have raised a fine family, trained unruly horses....be firm and tell them how it is. When the pull up meet them at the car and say "NOT TODAY".
 

RebelsHope

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Marty said:
they said this is the closest thing they ever had for a family.
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This here is the problem. They have never had a family, they don't know how to behave at all.

I wonder if you sit down with your pastor if he could help out in some way. Maybe there is an couple that would like to mentor them?

Otherwise I am so sorry. I am too nice too and would like them walk all over me.

Maybe you could post of visiting hours on the front door and just not answer the door between those hours. LOL..

or start making really bad dinner.
 
T

Triggy&Blue&Daisy Too

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Well Marty if they want to be family, hee hee, I'd treat them like it.

You've got a barn to finish, stalls to clean, house work, yard work. Didn't you say you have some indoor painting you need done?

So much for social graces, I'd put their little butts to work. Start cracking that whip and either you'll get a whole lot done or see a lot less of them.
 

keeperofthehorses

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They do sound a bit pitiful, but I've been in your shoes before. First thing I'd do is, everytime they show up, put a pitchfork or a shovel in their hands and tell them to get busy. If they sit on the porch swing, let them know that 'we don't do that around here until the work is done'. They'll either move on, or they could end up being a big help!

Needing your space is completely understandable. It sounds like they are craving a family structure. If they didn't have parents, or good parents, then they never learned to parent. Eventually these two kids are going to have kids of their own, and you may be doing their future children a favor by setting some good examples of firm but compassionate parenting. Setting up, and enforcing, visiting hours sounds like a good idea. 1:30AM is waaay to late; I'd be crabby as all heck.
 

Ashley

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I agree! put them to work. There are a few people I know, that I would gladly work for to just spend time with. And most of the time when I am visiting people im helping them with whatever they need as well.

It could be worse.............they could be out populating the earth.
 

susanne

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I ache for these kids, but letting them act poorly is not being kind.

I think they absolutely crave what your family has, and WANT you to tell them what to do. (Just like many animals...all attention is good attention to them. You need to deny them your attention to have an effect.)

Letting them behave inappropriately will NOT help them, but rather hold them back. Taking your family life back into your control and letting them visit only on your terms is the best possible thing to do for them.

I would be nice when they behave and show them the door when they do not. I'm sure it will take some time for this to sink in. Make your rules clear, and then stick to them. Write them up and print them a copy. Post them on your door. If they show up at the wrong time, send them home (explain once again why this is wrong).

If you have the time, sit down and explain to them that you enjoy them, but that they need to learn some social skills to be accepted into society.

These sweet kids sound like diamonds in the rough, and they sound as if they are worth the effort. They've had nothing and need a mentor...whether or not you have the time and energy for that is up to you, but as someone else said, perhaps you could line up a minister or other kind soul to help them. I have a feeling that once they catch on, nothing will hold them back.
 

Marty

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I sure don't know why they'd like our home life!

We are so dysfunctional!

The place is usually in KAOS

and I"m always chasing those boys with a broom for one reason or another.

I should give the the Brady's address in CA and tell them to go live there.

OH yea, by the way, they're here again and have been all weekend They showed up FOUR TIMES on Sunday. FOUR TIMES! I said "what the heck do you people want and they said "how's about a game of basketball, as he dribbled to my hoop......I said "GO HOME, just please go home........ Geez......
 

capall beag

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This post makes me so sad for those kids, Shame on their parents!

However, I can definately see your frustration.

This is what I would do!

I would tell them in your family these are the rules.

No visitors between 6- 8pm etc or whatever time.

Tell them mealtime is for family only unless they are invited. Tell them when you expect them to leave and that they can stay when chores need to be done but only if they participate.

I think if you lay down your rules then you could offer them some of the kindness you have already shown like having them over for dinner but by invite not when they feel like it.

I think they would appreciate you traeting them in a motherly way, aka a bossy way
but you can show them kindness too, as you have done!

I just think this is the saddest thing. There is a 15 yr old boy I know who has had NO FAMILY life, he has never met his Dad, even though he lives in the same town and his mother has other things on her mind other than raising him.'

He is such a lost soul. He always wants to chat when he sees me and I always take the time BUT bless his heart he is just longing for company or a mother figure. He wouldn't know a home cooked meal if it was on his lap because he has never had one, from his Mother anyway.

This just makes me so sad. But it doesn't sound easy for you either and it woudl be driving me crazy too!!!!!

Send them up here, I have plenty of work for them and I will cook for them!!!!!!!!


Pretty sad that an 18 & 19 year old don't know what family life is really like???
 

Whitestar

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I would tell them that they are there so much, that you are thinking of them as family & as such, will have chores to do to start earning their keep & then every time they show up, have a list to hand them. YOu have to start telling them, & not asking them. Remember you are not doing any favors by allowing them to get away with all this, you are only continueing the teaching that their parents did , that this behavior is ok. They are adults now & with that comes responsiblity. Treat them like your own kids, I am sure that you might ask to have something done the first time, then when it isnt done, start telling them to get it done or else.
 
L

Lisa-Ruff N Tuff Minis

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Hey martyare you sure they have a home to go to? Maybe for whatever reason they dont and that is why they keep hanging out at yours?
 

Marty

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I hate to sound like sour grapes but I am really sick of them being here every time I turn around. I tried a lot of you're advice but it seemed to just go right over his head.

I had a revolving door every single day during the summer with kids everywhere and now with school back in I am done and I want my house and privacy back.

We were all here working and I told him if he was staying to pick up a hammer. He sat in the chair just waiting for the boys to get done. He is fooling around with the boys when they are supposed to be doing stuff and then the boys of course are fooling around back, not getting their stuff done and messing around. I said "don't wait around for them, we still have a couple of hours to go" but they continued to just sit there. I put a hammer in his lap. I said if you are going to be on the work site, get working. He set it on the ground and sat. I said to go through that wood in the burn pile. He sat there. I said, can you move those boards? He sat there giggleing ignorring me and still fooling with the boys. Noe he is not going to lift a finger.

They are totally interferring around here. I have no privacy, none. I come out of the shower last night just with my nightgown on, walked into the living room and there they were camped out on my porch swing just sitting there like two bumps on logs. Jerry and the boys had run to the store.

I have come to the conclusion that the boy is simply and completely ignorant and oblivious.

He comes here to "play"...........play video games, play cards, play in the garage with the engines and motor stuff and to work on his car, play basketball, just play play play. He is like a 5 year old.

I told him that for newlyweds they are the most borring couple I had ever seen. I told him to take his wife out to dinner or shopping or movies or something and to quit just sitting around here 24-7.. He can afford it. I told her to make him quit hanging around here. She said she tried.

I told him flat out that we don't have time to sit around and play with him. That until the boys are done helping with chores, and homework, they simply cannot go drop what they are doing and go play the minute he shows up. Nothing sinks in.

Enter Jerry: He told him no more visits between 6:00 and 8:00 firm and then on weeknights, he was to leave by 10:00. . So he left and was back here on the dot of 8:00 and gone by 10:00..


I give up.

I just flat out give up.
 

Heidi

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Marty said:
I have come to the conclusion that the boy is simply and completely ignorant and oblivious.
I have been following this post for a few days and I have a comment, or two, to make...

Save your sanity and speak plainly to him.

If the boy(wife) will not help out when they are over and prefer to sit and watch...tell them to GO HOME.

Your husband giving specific times seemed to work. Now you need to narrow it down to specific DAYS. 1 or 2, no more. If they show up, tell them to GO HOME.

If they show up when you are unprepared for them, or it is inconvenient for you or you just plain do not want to 'entertain'...tell them to GO HOME.

Another method could be requiring them to call first for permission to come over, this way you could tell them before they arrive whether it is a good night for visiting or not.

It does not matter one whit if he understands what he has been putting you and your family through by his incessant presence. Since from your responses it appears he does not recognize his intruding behvior. If he can't understand how rude he has been behaving, he most likely won't recognize your behavior as being rude to him (for that is how a polite person as you are would view it) so don't feel any remorse for whatever steps you need to take to reclaim your family time and personal home space back from this couple.

Heidi
 

Valerie

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Wow Marty, my hat is off to you, you have much more patience than I do..... after putting a hammer on his lap & him sitting there & not helping.....uhmm...no, that is when I would have said, time to go home kids..... this isn't the local park.... sounds like the crave the social interaction, but kinda sound a tad lazy to me..... hard to say, it sounds like they have had a less than perfect upbringing, but it also sounds to me like you have bent over backwards for them and it's been totally unappreciated by them, time to give the "tough love" ..... and I agree with the above post, with some people you do have to be rude, or what would appear to be rude to people that are sensitive to others needs & feelings... I feel like you have been the gracious hostess & it's time for them to wise up & give you your family back! Good luck and please keep us posted..... It's a tough situation you have been put in the middle of...... I'll be sending you a little prayer tonight!
 
T

Triggy&Blue&Daisy Too

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Marty said:
Enter Jerry: He told him no more visits between 6:00 and 8:00 firm and then on weeknights, he was to leave by 10:00. . So he left and was back here on the dot of 8:00 and gone by 10:00.. 
 
 

I give up.

I just flat out give up.

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Well if Jerry can get through to him perhaps he should be the one to communicate exactly what you do/don't want from them. Perhaps he learned to ignore his mother or has no respect for women because of the poor upbringing you said these kids have had. You definately can't fix that before you lose your sanity from them being there incessantly so if it were me, I'd let my hubby help me before I lost my temper or my mind.
 

Robin1

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I was thinking the same thing as Triggy. He obviously doesn't respect you but does Jerry. Let him deal with it.

Robin
 

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