Friends, acquaintances, and black holes

[nootka]

Ok, I might be on a bit of a rant, but does anyone else tend to have a few of these "black hole" type friends or acquaintances around them?

What I mean is the type of person that is likable enough, they can actually be fun to hang out with and talk to, and yet they can NEVER seem to say anything nice about someone. If something is said, they contradict it just because. It's almost like they don't LIKE you and yet they continue to come around or talk, etc. so that is a contradiction again.

They never offer comfort or ask how you're feeling, not even when prompted gently. Sometimes they even make mean remarks.

I really don't have a lot of time for these type of people and yet they show up here and there. Some are friends of friends and others are just online friends/acquaintances, etc. Still others are young and maybe don't know any better, but wow, even just a few of these people is zapping to the psyche.

I have to say that 99% of my friends, the people I love and need most, are NOT like this, they are the polar opposite. I myself try to be concerned and caring about others, and inquire to their well-being, their situations and pets, etc. whatever is important to them. We all get busy and distracted from time to time, I understand, but wow, what do you think is at the heart of this "black hole" (I use this analogy because Black Holes are notorious for sucking everything in, even the light around them, yet they don't give anything out, they are sort of a negative space) personality?

I have a theory about some of them, that they "hate" others for whatever reason, but in order to hate them better, they like to be around a person. Also there is a hatred for themselves that may be at the root of their selfish behavior.

Maybe they really don't want friends? Can they not see how negative and draining they are?

I do like a few of the people that I have in mind at this time relating to this, but most of them I've cut out of my life after a time. A few of them were relatives, too. Is it just me or do others encounter a percentage of these people?

What do you do about the ones you think have potential, yet continue to behave in this manner? Perhaps figure they aren't really suited to be YOUR friend and just move on...?

Maybe I'm thinking about this too much! I will say that most of my friendships are not hard to maintain, it is second nature and we all seem happy enough with how it is. I am a very loyal person and give a lot of myself to my friends, emotionally, the ones that have proven I can trust them, as I do have issues there thanks to my family.

Curious about others' observations!

Liz

 

[ChrystalPaths]

OMG yes, I went to a wedding this Sunday and sadly it was a gossip fest for theose who hadn't seen many of us (incluing me) for several years. One more reason I am the "hermit lady in the hollow".

 

[nootka]

Glad to know it's not just me. I think sometimes I tend to attract and encourage some of these because I don't really like hurting anyone's feelings, not even someone who tends to do it in a callous manner with their ignorant behavior. *lol*

Like I said, there are a couple of them that I feel are salvageable or whatever, but again, perhaps that is best left to someone else that they actually LIKE (judging by their behavior) also someone with professional skills. I find I have less and less time and fortitude for it when it's so appealing to go hang with someone that smiles, hugs, and laughs along with you, not at you.

Liz

 

[Steph_D]

Oh yeah, I'm related to a LOT of those kinds of people. My mom is one of the bad ones. She never has anything positive to say about anyone, especially me. I really think that she believes it's "constructive criticism" or something of the sort, but sometimes it's draining to hear/feel her negative attitude. Even my kids are starting to notice it.

Then there are those friends who just take and take, but never give anything in return. I don't have a lot of friends anymore because I just seem to attract these types of people. I figure that I can live without them

: and be much happier in the process.

Nope, you're not alone. And I liked the "black hole" analogy, it works well for this type of person.

 

[Minimor]

black holes, I like that analogy. Very fitting!!

I know some people like that; a couple of them used to be friends, and one is actually my cousin. I've given up on her. It was just so exhausting to talk to her & try to keep straight who did what to mess up her life. Instead of trying to fix up what was wrong she'd just rant about how everyone else was to blame for her problems and every single person in her life was out to make her life miserable.

One of the other friends was always sighing about being depressed and if there wasn't some crisis going on in her life she'd make one up. It got very tiring, and frankly I found her depression....depressing. Everything was about what she has or was getting and how much it cost. I couldn't say anything about her problems, yet if I said nothing she got offended too. I finally put an end to that with a bit of a snap. She e-mailed the other day but I deleted her message and didn't reply. I don't miss her in the least, but admit that every once in awhile I do think about how nice it is to not be talking to (listening to) her any more.

I don't have a lot of friends, but a few good ones and that's what's important. The black hole friends are just too much work and really when I think about it, they don't really qualify as "friends" anyway. you know that saying, about "with friends like that, who needs enemies"? That about sums them up.

 

[Black Magic]

I so know what you mean. We have a friend that is like that... and I just act as kind as I can to her, hoping that she will become kinder in her assesment of people we both no. So far no luck. However, when she started to pick on our horses... I didn't speak to her for a month... It amazes me, because now she can't be kind enough to people. She said she learned the value of a friend, and hopes that she contines to keep her big mouth shut.

I wo't go riding with her... but it's nice when she and I can sit down and have a nice chat. It's been a long road, but she and I have made progress trying to understand and be patient with each other...

God Bless...

Lynn W

 

[Miniv]

Liz,

You put it in a perfect anology -- Black Hole!

I'm older than you and have since learned that people like that are NOT friends. They are only using you to suck your positive energy.

I have distanced myself from people like that. It's not good for me or my family.

Looking back, I probably should have done the "right" thing and explained WHY I was pulling back. Because I suspect some of those Energy Suckers don't even realize what they are doing!

MA

 

[SunQuest]

You are not the only one that notices that Liz.

Black hole types of people are also called "energy vampires" as they drain you emotionally which leads to it being physically draining as well. I have to agree with MA. So many don't know they do it (my grandmother was a really bad one) and many of them don't care either.

Your best to just distance yourself IMO. If it feels like really hard work to be their friends, then you probably won't get much out of the relationship.

 

[shane]

: YEP I KNOW WHAT YOUR TALKING ABOUT ALRIGHT :aktion033: my hubby was my only true friend for the past 16 years, i didnt trust anybody!!!!! :no: but now throught the horse circle ive got a great couple of friends, in fact i cant imagine what life was like before our chats and laughs together

 

[hobbyhorse23]

I've heard that "black hole" analogy before and it's a good one. I always feel sorry for those individuals as they are very unhappy people. The ones that like to hang out with you even while tearing you down often don't realize what they are doing, they just think they're being funny or are following the example of the people who raised them. It's hard to overcome the influence of how you were socialized!

Others are simply so miserable themselves that the only way they can feel better is by trying to make everyone else as miserable as they are. If you tear someone down far enough, surely you'll all eventually stand on equal ground! Riiiggghhhttt...... :no:

But just because I feel sorry for these people does not mean I have to make myself miserable trying to help them. Don't let them suck your energy- when they say something rotten gently step away from them, look them in the eye, and say "That was a really negative comment and very uncalled for. Please don't say things like that around me." Obviously the script varies by situation :lol: but don't let them get away with stealing your joy. Don't get upset, don't get agitated, just step back mentally and give them the "I'm disappointed in you" expression. Some of them will actually look bewildered and try to change their behavior. The others aren't worth ruining your day over. Let them drift away or actively but politely shut them out of your life.

It's important not to let yourself get upset. It is not your responsibility to rein them in, only to set boundaries for yourself that you won't let them cross.

:

Been there, done that!

::hugs::

Leia

 

[nootka]

Sadly, it seems these are too common!

I do think there are those that do it unintentionally, or, as my friend Chris puts it, "socially retarded" as in they really don't know how to communicate on a normal and friendly level.

Then there are those that seem to only feel better when they've put someone down. I truly have NO time for these types and I get raging angry about them messing with my friends b/c I hate to see my friends being hurt by them. These were/are the types that seemed to make up 50% of my blood relations, though I've gotten rid of THOSE.

There are a few that are perplexing in that they seem to want to be friendly and I think they are capable of being good friends, but for some reason, I bring out the worst in them...? (i.e. they never compliment, never comment yet they ask for opinions, I try to be honest, but they like to put anything I do in a negative light, etc.). It's those that I hate to sign off on, because I just feel like they need to find the right person that makes them happy even if I'm not it. I am in no way that egotistical to think that I am a friend for every type of person.

*shrugs*

Ah, well! Just glad I'm not nuts to have so many seem to show up at times. Seems they come in waves. *LOL*

Liz

 

[RainSong]

First off, you've described my Maternal Grandmother to a T! We always theorized that she hated herself, thus, she hated everyone else, too. Apparently she's getting "better" since we all sort of drifted away from her- I won't know till the Holidays...

I am a very loyal person and give a lot of myself to my friends, emotionally, the ones that have proven I can trust them, as I do have issues there thanks to my family.

-.- Same thing with me, except I trust (as far as my gut instict allows for) first. I've come to a point though where only so much loyalty and trust is given without knowing the person well... I've gotten hurt a few too many times- ironically, one of the worst had horses involved! People scare me (literally) because they have so much potential for good and bad... and I've had a few too many people turn out to be users or your "black holes"!

 

[stormo41]

i have one Friend like this. Only she does not talk bad about any one. She is stuck in a cricle of ups and downs. At the beginning of every school year she has a major drama witch gets worse each year last year she starting cuting herself. As soon as everyone starts paying attion to her she will stop, and when everything levels out and we all think is ok and start watching her less she will start it again because "we are not paying attion to her at all" but it usaly changes from cutting to messing around with much older boys or smoking or drinking. I finaly had enough and told her that after three years of trying to help her I could not deal with it any more, I do have my own life to move on with. But she keeps coming back because she really is a very likeable person when she is not on one of her downs. I have stood my ground, I don't need to start hanging out with her again just to have her drag me down again. She also will go on a down if she asks you to do something Like go to church with her and you don't go, because "your my friend and your should do those things for me." I don't think i friend should even ask a friend to go par take in a activity they don't believe.

any way yes I have one of those too, Just in a different form..i think?

-Vanessa

 

[Lisa-Ruff N Tuff Minis]

Well I think we have all had friends that for one reason or another we have "outgrown" I honestly have come to look at it not that I am a much better person then them, or a better friend, just simply that I have outgrown them. They were a friend for a time for a reason and I might not clearly understand it but they obviously brought something to my life both good and bad and... I did get something out of it again both good and bad or they wouldnt have remained in my life. I am sure I have given them something both good and bad as well.

I really dont take to heart what others say sometimes it is a matter of a friend truly telling me what I may not want to or may not be ready to hear and it is much easier for me to play the victim of someone being mean and cold hearted then it is to see if there is any truth at all in what they have said even if it wasnt said in a way I might like.

And honestly.. I have had to look at myself as well and see what it was that I was giving off.. that I kept attacting the same type of people in my life those that I said I was not happy with but yet.. I chose to keep surrounding myself with the same type so again looking back it is obvious.. that for whatever reason.. I was getting something I needed at the time.

The best thing about friendships gone bad is there is NO BETTER way to truly look at yourself and learn about you

 

[JeanS]

I think we all have had acquaintances, friends, & relatives that are black holes. Have a friend (with drinking problem) who when sober is the nicest person, but when she drinks she is the nastiest black hole it gets so we don't answer the phone. If she was like that all the time, I would have no contact with her.

 

[Ashley]

:

 

[Jill]

Oh, I know what you are talking about!!!

I had a friend that would seem to have me upset every time we talked. Tons of gossip and always ready to tell me disturbing things others supposedly said about me or my horses. Also, it was a friendship that came with doing A LOT of chore favors, like I don't have enough "chores" here with my own critters.

Last year, I really just cut back on the interaction with her. Took longer and longer to return phone calls, never initiated them, avoided her in person. I do not think she's really bad and cannot help the way she is at this point, but I just got sick and tired of how I let her effect me and it was very draining.

I'm SO much happier now. The less I spent time being her friend, the more I realized how much work it was.

 

[susanne]

Also known as people who suck the energy out of a room...

For some strange reason, I am (more so in the past) a magnet for this kind, probably because I want to help and end up getting sucked in. It's odd, because I generally don't care what others think, but for me the "black holes" are like the creatures in the Harry Potter books who suck every bit of life and happiness out of their victims.

I understand depression all too well, and I always want to be there for those who need shoring up, but sometimes it's like trying to save a drowning victim -- they pull you right down with them. And yet I feel horrible for not being there for them...

For awhile I felt I was being eaten alive by a number of friends and relatives of this type, but in the last couple of years I've become better at avoiding this, without shutting myself off. And I'm VERY happy to say that getting involved with minis has introduced me to many wonderful, energizing people!

 

[nootka]

Jill and susanne, glad you posted here as I always value both your opinions, too.

Seems that there are varying degrees of these kinds of people, and the ones that really perplex me are the ones that are so criticial/seemingly uncaring yet they continue to solicit interaction.

What is crazy is that it makes ME feel inadequate somehow and my first reaction is that they need to spend time around people that are good and do the right things in their observations rather than myself, who screws everything up, etc. etc. whatever the jab is.

I stick with those people out of loyalty, often, but when the street stays just one way, they eventually go the way of the wind.

I will say that a few of these types have grown up, it would seem...as in I've encountered them later and they've been better personalities in those encounters, so there's always hope! *LOL*

(susanne, I sure hope I might be one of those good people you've met. I know you're one for me!)

L.

 

[Shari]

Ok, I might be on a bit of a rant, but does anyone else tend to have a few of these "black hole" type friends or acquaintances around them?

What I mean is the type of person that is likable enough, they can actually be fun to hang out with and talk to, and yet they can NEVER seem to say anything nice about someone. If something is said, they contradict it just because. It's almost like they don't LIKE you and yet they continue to come around or talk, etc. so that is a contradiction again.

They never offer comfort or ask how you're feeling, not even when prompted gently. Sometimes they even make mean remarks.

I really don't have a lot of time for these type of people and yet they show up here and there. Some are friends of friends and others are just online friends/acquaintances, etc. Still others are young and maybe don't Curious about others' observations!

Liz

HI Liz,

You just described my Mother. Sigh ~ ~

As long as she has someone to complain about she is sort'a nice to me. But if she has no one to complain about...... well lets just say.... I want nothing to do with her during those times.

I rather think on the postive side of life.