Ever feel like you just need to talk!!

[RobinRTrueJoy]

Lara,

first, let me express my sympathies to you and your family. I don't read the back porch very often, just the forum and tonight I had more time, so here I am.

When I worked Intensive care, I was directly involved with asking families for organ donations. Difficult for me to ask, but really tough for the families to decide.

Let me mention a few things that may be of some comfort to you, I hope..

I have been at the actual surgeries when they take the organs and tissues from the donars. I want you to know that they are EXTREMELY RESPECTFUL of the donar. There are no jokes during this surgery and no kidding around. They are quiet and honor the donar in that way.

The incisions lines are closed in the same way as any surgery would be, as if the person would have lived. I have been a nurse for many years(31) and know that despite closing the incision lines, many times fluids continue to leak, it can not be helped usually..

You should know that the bones that are donated are usually donated to people that without the donar bones would live a poor quality of life or even die., I was involved with a donation that involved bones, and our intensive care unit recieved a letter from an anonymous recipent . He was losing his arm due to cancer. Without the donar bone, he would have lost that arm. He had recently had a baby girl and was able to hold her because of the donar family's genorosity.He was so grateful and had written to the family and our unit via the donar program, while remaining anonymous.

Please remember that the recipent ALWAYS remembers the donar every day of their lives. In most cases without the genorous donation these people would have died and they know it. They are SO VERY GRATEFUL.

You and your family did a selfless thing. There is a saying about organ donation.

It says:

Don't take your organs to Heave. Heaven knows we need them here.

I am an organ donar( someday) as is most of my family.

Your loss/sacrifice and then your genorosity provided hope, help to several people. Thier families remember you also, your loss and grief, you have not been forgotten and will never be, just like your loved one. Without your gift, these families would have lost their loved one too.

You did the most unselfish thing a person can ever do. God bless you and your family.

 

[Jill]

Lara, it breaks my heart to read your post. I wish I knew the right things to say.

I can understand your reluctance to get medicine, but could you consider it on a trial basis, like 1 week at a time? I think you might just need something, a break, and it might be what you need to find more peace. It could be like a bridge for you to help you get to a better point.

There's no way I can ever know how much you and your husband are hurting. My heart goes out to you more than I can say.

 

[kaykay]

lara

I lost my sister (and took custody of her daughter) my father and my mother all in three years. I thought I would never "get over it" And i never will. But i have learned to enjoy life again. I feel them with me all the time and I do talk to them. And i finally know this is what they would want. But it took me a long time to get there. I especially felt guilty that i was getting to raise my sisters daughter and she couldnt.

One thing i found was that some friends could not handle what I was going thru. Even though i was staying strong (with 4 kids to raise i had to) They just couldnt dream of what i was going thru and got very nervous if i talked about it. When my sister died i wanted to talk about her all the time. But when i did people would give me what i called "the look" You know like this is creepy i wish she would stop talking about her sister.

Then one of my friends lost her mother. And finally she understood. She wanted to talk about her mother!! She wanted to celebrate teh life her mother had. She called me and talked for hours. She was so relieved she had someone to talk to that finally understood.

So talk talk talk!! Its the only way to get these feelings out. Celebrate what a great person he was and the life that he had. Then just take it one day at a time.

 

[OhHorsePee]

Lara, I am so saddened that you are going through this. I have two sons and can't begin to imagine your pain. I am shocked, but not surprised, that the donation team did not go over what to expect with you and your husband. There are support groups for parents who lost their children. I hope you will look into one.

My heart to yours

Fran

 

[LaraP]

TO ALL,

I didn't think this post was still going just visited the Forum once in awhile since Sunday. I had a bad day on Sunday as you all read but do feel somewhat better. After reading more of the posts and the PM's here I am in tears again. But crying isn't a bad thing. I am trying to get thru this so I can be more open to maybe feel Joshua around me. I guess that is what I am looking forward to now.

I still sometimes forget he isn't here. Going thru the cabinets and moving dishes around I thought well, I will just box these up for Joshua, he could use them in his apartment. I hate that when I do that.

I have been working hard to just keep the good times we had together ALIVE in my heart and mind. When Joshua first moved out, and joined the Navy, David and I feared alot of things, but not this one. When he would let us know about a girl he meet and how much he liked her, I would tell him to be careful, you don't want to have a wife and baby this young. Boy, I regret that now. I wish so much that he would of had child. Alittle piece of him he left behind. So unfair.. Didn't even think the poor little one would be without his father now..

But from the bottom of my heart I thank all of you for your words of encouragement, hope for the future.

Your words mean more than any of you know.

Lara and David

 

[CyndiM]

Lara it isn't easy to find the right words to express how much I feel your pain. I have never lost a child but I did loose my mother, father and oldest sister all within two years. It has been nine years since my mother died she was the first one then my father died eleven months and four days later of a broken heart (he just didn't want to live without her). And my sister and I were very close so that was a hard day too.

Sorry I'm rambling, I wanted to say there are times I STILL talk to my mother she was my best friend, and I miss her so very much even today. I know that it doesn't seem like there is any way things can ever get better but as so many others have said with time it does get easier.

Keeping you and David in my thoughts and prayers.(((((HUGS)))))

 

[Laura]

Lara, First you know that you and David are and will always be in my prayers.

Now my friend, there is no shame in seeking help of ANY form! You know what grief has done to your heart and mind, do you think your body is coping any better? If your body needs help getting back into a natural balance, ask for help and take it! It may be antidepressants for a time, until your body can balance out. Your mind and heart need help and care too, continue with counseling or a support group.

As with Lisa, I have been through violent loss. That pain and shock will never leave you, but it does dull, ever so slightly, as time passes. You will never stop the when's and if only's. That is going to stay, but you can try to focus more on the time you shared, instead of the time you have lost.

I am a registered organ and bone marrow donor. If I can help make a life better or longer, I will be honored and humbled. I can't even imagine the shock at seeing your baby the way you did. You should have been warned. But if he helped even one person walk to a loved one again, or embrace a child, what greater gift can anyone hope to leave behind?

As I sit here in tears, know that we are with you, in grief, in loss and most of all in hope...

 

[Magic]

I'm sitting here in tears, imagining the pain you are going through, Lara and David, and I just can't. This is also my greatest fear, losing a child. I truly don't know if I could go on if I did.

First, I want to say-- please do talk to us when you feel the need to talk.

You mentioned that you felt "selfish", wishing that Josh could have lived, even if he had been a quadriplegic or whatever, but that isn't selfish-- that is human nature. Alive is alive, and the wish to have your child, in any way shape or form, still with you, is natural. (((hugs)))

I know you are very proud of your son, he sounds like he was truly an "angel on earth", he gave so much of himself to his family, his friends, his country. Please know that he wants you to be happy again. Of course it will take a long time, and you will always hurt from his leaving this earth. His spirit is with you, and always will be. My heart hurts for you....

 

[Miniv]

I still sometimes forget he isn't here. Going thru the cabinets and moving dishes around I thought well, I will just box these up for Joshua, he could use them in his apartment. I hate that when I do that.

I have been working hard to just keep the good times we had together ALIVE in my heart and mind

Lara and David

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Lara and David,

I picked out part of your post to focus on.....

What you are doing is okay......I remember when both my brother and my parents passed it took a long time before I stopped going to the phone to call them and tell them about something from my day.

I have since discovered that my actions were because they ARE alive still. I cannot touch them but I still feel them in my heart and I know when they are "checking in" on how I'm doing. I still get "signs" of love from them.......

It's taken me a long time, and I still have tears on occasion -- but that's okay. Because most of the time I can speak of wonderful times and smile through those tears......

Please don't forget to hold EACHOTHER and share together. Joshua will be there with you.

Blessings,

MA