Do I have "grounds" to be upset with hubby?

[mydaddysjag]

I'm finding myself a bit upset with my hubby, and I'm not quite sure if I should even bring it up to him much more, or if I'm over reacting.

We're both young, my hubby is 23, and still very immature. He is a hardcore video game player, and that is his only hobby.

Now, he told me about a month ago that he wanted to go to this big video game expo thing with his buddy, which I have no problem with.

The next thing I know, they decided they were going to stay in a hotel. Ok, I assumed that this expo was a one or two day thing, and they were staying overnight 1 night at a hotel. Last night when I got home from work Hubby tells me that he and his buddy booked the hotel in hubbys name. Then I find out, its actually 4 days long in Baltimore Maryland, and they booked a hotel that is $120 a night.

Im a bit upset about it. We struggle to have everything we have, and we have NEVER taken a vacation. The only thing we have ever done was go get a horse and had to stay in a hotel overnight, and I picked a $67 a night hotel. Other than that, for our "honeymoon" we stayed about 30 minutes from our home in a nice hotel for 2 nights, but it was a wedding gift, so didn't cost us anything.

Im upset because my 9 month old son and I are not going on this trip (Its not something that interests me in the least) and I would NEVER consider spending that much on a hotel, let alone for just myself and not my family. I feel he is spending the same amount on a trip for himself as what we would have spent for a nice small family vacation. In fact, we were going to go camping this summer and decided to nix the idea because of expenses, and we couldn't afford him being off work that long, because he is taking 5 days off after he has surgery in a few days. When I mentioned anything about it he said that the cheap hotel was further from the expo place than he wanted to stay (but still within both walking or shuttle distance) and that "He didn't complain when I bought the new horse trailer". Now, my justification was that I sold my old trailer last year to get money for a used car after he blew the motor up in my car, which is our only vehicle, and he has been the only one to drive it since I bought it a year ago.

Am I over reacting, or would you be irked too?

 

[Ashley]

Well, he is young which is where a lot of this is coming from. However, that said, when a person opts to get married and have kids its time to grow up.

You mentioned you are struggling to make ends meet. That should be enough right there not to do something that dumb and waist that kind of money that could be spent on something better like bills or diapers(which I know are expensive!).

Personally I wouldn’t be upset I would be peeved!

I am kind of in the same boat. While we are not struggling at this point getting things taken care of, I do not have a job and its frustrating as all get out. I know I only have limited time to find one, and I need to find a good paying one to support my family so my partner can quit her job to finish her schooling (she needs to do 30+ weeks of internship without pay).

If he has that kind of money to blow on a weekend like that then maybe he should be putting it into savings.

 

[kaykay]

Well after being married almost 26 years (omg!) I will say this. Marriage is a continual compromise. I try really hard to balance my marriage with the minis and ponies and not let that be an issue between us. I have seen marriages break up over money and horses.

Hubby and I got married and had a baby at 20 and 21. The first 3 years were a nightmare. Women are always more mature at that age and it does cause conflicts. It gets better I promise.

But you have to ask yourself, is this the battle you want to take a sword over? Is this really worth getting irate over? Sometimes its best to pick your battles.

For sure I would talk to him and let him know how you feel but not sure this would be something I would be "livid" over.

A compromise would be to have him stay at a less expensive hotel and stay less days.

 

[muffntuf]

Agreed - is this something worth giving up on at this point and early in the marriage. Yes you are strapped, you work hard for everything you have, but you also state you have not had any fun in a while. People can only take so much hard work, living below the line, etc. I would definitely cool down and think this over. If need be - find someone to talk to and just vent so you can get it worked around in your mind to allow this to happen. If you husband needs this right now - don't make it the axe that breaks the camels back. I would, after venting and getting it worked around in my mind, ask for the plan that comes up with the money for the hotel rooms, or if there is a compromise on the hotel rates, if the other guy is paying half of it, then not so bad.

Take a deep breath!!!

 

[txminipinto]

I would be peeved and it would come to words in my household. He's spending $120/night plus expenses on a trip with his buddy when he hasn't even taken his family on a family vacation. That is selfish. Pure and simple. He'd be on the couch until he either canceled the trip or found a much cheaper hotel. Actually, I'd make him cancel the trip if you canceled your family vacation due to money. Sorry, but this is worth fighting over and if you let this slide, he'll be taking advantage of you the rest of your life. He's got a wife and kid, time to put the xbox away and grow up.

 

[Jill]

Harvey and I have been a couple since 1985! Long time, and "I should talk" about sweating the small stuff because I am ridiculous over some things that just have to be a specific way or I get thoroughly upset... H is a lot more laid back than I am and that is probably the biggest reason why he and I work as a couple.

Do you have a horse? If so, and if "that" is really your thing, how much does the horse take from the family budget compared to the video game expo trip? (not really asking you to tell us that personal information, just if it's the case, maybe another way you can see his side?)

No, if I were you, I wouldn't "like" it. I don't want H to go away because when I have free time, I like to spend it with him. Plus, if money were tight and something was going to be spent just for fun, I'd want it to be something we both participated in. However, if this is something your husband really enjoys, it's a "small price" to pay to just go with the flow and let him have this splurge. It may be something he will remember for years and that's worth a lot!

If possible, can you plan something special for yourself for that weekend? Even if it's just getting your favorite things to eat and some special bubble bath, bottle of wine, a new book you've wanted to read, rent a bunch of DVD movies, etc.? So that you also have something to look forward to for that period of time and a way to treat yourself as well.

Good luck!

 

[Marty]

This is a tough one because while you are home sitting there pinching pennies with a baby, you also are sitting there with a show horse who is nickle and diming you to death.

Why not do some math with your husband? Besides the hotel, he's going to need food money, pocket money, and heaven knows what he is going to buy at the expo. Lay it out on the table with a calculator where you both can get a visual. See if that puts it in perspective for either one of you.Then run the numbers on your monthly budget including your horse expenses and see if any of it is justified.

Be very careful: You guys are very young and if you plan to stay married, pick and choose your battles carefully but don't get run over in the process.

I have to wonder if his friend is married with a baby. And a horse.

Marriage is sacrifice and compromise on both parts and no room for selfishness by either one of you. Good luck.

 

[Mominis]

I'm going to agree with Kay on this one. I've been married for almost 14 years. I have the unique perspective for this as I am also married to an active MMORPG player (and was once a very active player myself). You have the horse(s) and you obviously spend your time, money, and energy on them, your husband should be allowed to spend some of his time, money and energy on his hobby as well. Do you have to like it? No. But, to be fair, I think he should be allowed to go. JMHO

 

[mydaddysjag]

I think Im going to pick my battles, and let this one go. Still vent about it, and let him know that from here on out, when a trip is going to cost him around $600-$800 that it will be a family trip.

I do have a show horse, but we have reduced our horse expenses as much as possible. We're down to one horse, and Im currently working off the majority of my board, I pay $35 a month for board. I didnt show him at all last season, and Im not showing him a ton this year. The money for show fees came from selling the rest of my big horse tack (saddles, bridles, breast collars, blankets, etc) and setting it aside in my "horse fund". The only expensive part is the gas to get there, but Ive been gathering supplies to hopefully bring him home this summer. Well, to my parents around the block. Ive been removing the one neighbors woven wire fencing, and my payment is they are giving me the fence and posts for free. We already have gates from when we had horses at home before, and Ive been stalking craigslist for a free shed (our craigslist has one or two a week for free).

This isn't his only expense with the video games, he plays an online game that is $30 a month, as well as buying 1-2 $60 games for his playstation 3 each month, and paying for downloads on the ps3.

 

[mydaddysjag]

After looking at the "Wyndham Peabody Court" I think im going to call around today and see if I cant find a cheaper hotel, I really think the place is overkill for him to be only sleeping there. The more I stew about it, I get more upset. We've never gone to a theme park (we have a local one) or even the movies because we dont spend that kind of money on things like that, and Its nerve wracking that hes going to stay at a hotel nicer than where we went on our honeymoon.

 

[Miniv]

I agree that a compromise is in order......(speaking from 32 years of marriage)......Going to the expo isn't the issue, but lavish spending would peeve me as well.

I'm sure there are cheaper motels close by. And another issue that needs to put out on the table is -- what money is your husband's buddy going to kick in????

 

[kaykay]

After looking at the "Wyndham Peabody Court" I think im going to call around today and see if I cant find a cheaper hotel, I really think the place is overkill for him to be only sleeping there. The more I stew about it, I get more upset. We've never gone to a theme park (we have a local one) or even the movies because we dont spend that kind of money on things like that, and Its nerve wracking that hes going to stay at a hotel nicer than where we went on our honeymoon.

I can see that this is really bugging you. And I get that you have sold things to have your horses (I have done the same)

But before you cause a huge ruckus over it, remember that a horse is an every day expense and probably far exceeds what he spends. Also never get into a nickel dime debate because its a lose lose situation. There will be no winners.

For sure tell him how you feel (swallowing anger just makes people sick)But dont come at him yelling. Just try to calmly tell him you feel hurt and would like to take a family vacation.

At the end of the day though, what a couple fights about (at the moment) is usually not what the fight is really about. You can fight about his trip but maybe there are other issues and this is just the catalyst?

Whenever I get really peeved I try to ask myself...what am I really mad about? The other day hubby left me with a car with no gas again and I didnt know and almost got stranded on a country road. I called him and umm had words. when he got home it hit me, (and I told him) it really wasnt about putting gas in the car, it was about making me feel like he didnt care about ME. To ME (and most women) making sure there is gas in the car or at least telling us they left it on empty says "I care about you and dont want you stranded at the side of the road" He felt so bad once I calmly told him how it made me feel.

I have to disagree with Carin because everyone has something they ENJOY but dont NEED.

Just because we become fathers/mothers and husbands/wives doesnt mean we can never have anything for ourselves. Everyone needs to have their own thing whether that be Xbox, horses, painting model cars etc

 

[~Lisa~]

Do you have a horse? If so, and if "that" is really your thing, how much does the horse take from the family budget compared to the video game expo trip? (not really asking you to tell us that personal information, just if it's the case, maybe another way you can see his side?)

Good luck!

I have to agree here with this- while yes sometimes you have to choose your battles I think that you have to also allow him to have some time to himself to do what he enjoys.

I understand your resentment but again you have to look at the fact you have a horse and a new horse trailer. If you are asking me if I would mind the answer would be no.

 

[LindaL]

I agree that a compromise is in order......(speaking from 32 years of marriage)......Going to the expo isn't the issue, but lavish spending would peeve me as well.

I'm sure there are cheaper motels close by. And another issue that needs to put out on the table is -- what money is your husband's buddy going to kick in????

I agree with Maryann. I would not have a problem with him going to the Expo, but really does he need to stay at such an expensive hotel? Even if his friend is chipping in (which he should), I am sure there are nice hotels in the area that are much more reasonable.

Do not fight about it. Just sit him down and explain that while you want him to go and have fun...fun can be on a budget. Money issues are always touchy, even for married couples, but not worth fighting about. You just need to be on the same page. To do that, you need to clarify what "fun" activities you can afford and give each other a chance to enjoy hobbies within that budget.

 

[Miniv]

I agree with Maryann. I would not have a problem with him going to the Expo, but really does he need to stay at such an expensive hotel? Even if his friend is chipping in (which he should), I am sure there are nice hotels in the area that are much more reasonable.

Do not fight about it. Just sit him down and explain that while you want him to go and have fun...fun can be on a budget. Money issues are always touchy, even for married couples, but not worth fighting about. You just need to be on the same page. To do that, you need to clarify what "fun" activities you can afford and give each other a chance to enjoy hobbies within that budget.

Very well said, Linda. Thank you. (I'm not a person who "fights" so that didn't even come up for me.)

 

[Seashells]

Seems you are picking your battles which good to do, but there is no good reason for a married man to take four days with hotel accomidations and a buddy, for a "video expo". I can understand a one day thing, but four days is way overboard.

No matter, your hubby is in for a good time, which is the whole purpose of the trip, right?

Hi again: I just shared the story with my husband, and with a surprised look he replied, "That's messed up."

 

[~Lisa~]

I am not trying to argue with anyone and I see the other side.. b ut really there is no good reason for me to go to a horse show for 3 nights and spend hundreds of dollars yet I do it.

while I understand money being tight sometimes when someone is working hard 40+ hours a week they need a little splurge time- me I get that thru my ponies but we all have our own ways of "splurge" time and seems like a video expo is a rather harmless one.

Is it the money you have issue with or the time he will be without you?

 

[SampleMM]

I really would rethink saying anything to him. The worst thing women can do is emasculate their husbands and yes I think it is if you try and tell him he can't stay at that hotel and then he has to go with his tail between his legs and explain that his wife won't allow him to stay there. Do you really want that? Seriously, if he is splitting it with the friend than it's not that much money. Also, he allowed you to get a nice, new trailer.............sometimes you just have to let things go. I always say, "Do you want to die on that hill?" The answer should be no, as it's not worth it. Let him go enjoy his time with his friend.

After you've been married for 17 years, you will love it when he goes away. My husband just got back from Florida and was gone for almost a week. He ate out every meal and I'm sure spent more money than I'd like him too but he deserves it as he works hard for his family.

 

[kaykay]

I am not trying to argue with anyone and I see the other side.. b ut really there is no good reason for me to go to a horse show for 3 nights and spend hundreds of dollars yet I do it.

while I understand money being tight sometimes when someone is working hard 40+ hours a week they need a little splurge time- me I get that thru my ponies but we all have our own ways of "splurge" time and seems like a video expo is a rather harmless one.
Is it the money you have issue with or the time he will be without you?

So agree!

After you've been married for 17 years, you will love it when he goes away. My husband just got back from Florida and was gone for almost a week. He ate out every meal and I'm sure spent more money than I'd like him too but he deserves it as he works hard for his family.

Lmbo! My friend and I were just saying the same thing. I love my hubby but there are times when I tell him to just go and get out and do something

 

[Charlene]

i'm assuming that the friend is splitting the cost 50/50 so that would be $60/night for your hubby. that's about average for a decent motel.

not to play devil's advocate here because i do think your hubby is going overboard considering the fact that you have to pinch pennies but let me just say this...while you are justifiably upset at this point, this is pretty small in the long term scheme of things. your hubby is spending more than he should and leaving you and a baby at home BUT, you know when all is said and done, he will be coming home to you. i would cut off my right arm if i could get up tomorrow morning and know that my hubby is coming home to me. instead, i visit his grave. take a step back, think about all you DO have. there will be bumps in the road for you during your marriage, some big, some not so big but in the end, you will have each other.