Would appreciate your opinion or advice.

[Teedee]

I need some opinions from people that are not in the situation. I will try to make it short so as not to bore you to death.

Four months ago my husband and I took our two great nieces into our home. We have since taken full custody (not adopted) them. Both parents admitted meth use and signed them over voluntarily. They are 10 and 4 and the sweetest little girls in the world. They have brought so much joy into our lives. After raising three sons (baby turned 21 on Dec 21st.) we are now raising little girls. Wow talk about shock! Anyway the 4 year old has dwarfism so she has some special needs but nothing we can’t handle.

Ok so now the problem. Mom keeps coming around about every two weeks and wants to take them with her to her dad’s house about 50 miles away. We are still friendly with her but it is fading fast. We have heard that she is still using. Keeps telling us she is going into rehab and getting a job…blah blah blah. She has been collecting the Social Security checks which she has not use on the girls in any way. We don’t expect nor want money from her. After one of her visits the 4 year old will start wetting her pants and will start acting like a baby. The 10 year old loves her mom but doesn’t want to go live with mom. Christmas day we were going to allow them to go for a couple of hours but the 10 year old wouldn’t go and we didn't make her she left them both here. We were thrilled! Dad took off again and is living about 5 hours away and is fighting with the mom so he is not a concern.

We haven’t made any major decisions without consulting grandparents and friends. They are saying stop all visits and phone calls. Would it be better for theses girls to have no contact or have good visits and memories of their mom? The 10 year old’s counselor said we should restrict the visits but how restricted?

We know this is not going to be a short term situation so we want these girls to grow up healthy and happy. They are so special and deserve so much better than what they have been given. We are so blessed to have them in our home and we have youth now to show our horses.. woohoooo.

I would appreciate any experience or advice you can give us.

Thanks

Tammi

 

[Reble]

Mother is always a mother doesn't seem to matter in the eyes of a child. Remember she was smart enough to hand over the children to you to raise, which is a start. Just hope she hits bottom and gets help, before it is too late. If her father wants to see the children open your door.

Is a good ideal to let them grow up with their parents if all possible. I believe they should pay support. Checks for the children should be going to you to help raise the children.

Supervised visits for a couple of hours. Summer time maybe a park, winter out for a meal or at your home. Just a suggestion.

Good Luck

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[Miniv]

You've already received advice from a counselor, family, and friends and they all seem to generally agree.

I also agree with them........Your grand-nieces are your priority, not the mom. And the mom is not doing any favors to the girls by coming around a lot and ESPECIALLY taking them away under the lifestyle she is living in.

If it were me, I would put my foot down with the mom and tell her no more visits until she can prove herself to be off drugs.......possibley if she tests clean after so many tests and over a certain amount time. The timeframe is up to you and perhaps the child's counselor. And even THEN I would NOT allow the mom to take them OUT OF YOUR SIGHT.......ONLY SUPERVISED VISTS.

If the mom raises a stink, then it should tell you that she does not have her children's best interests at heart.

MA

 

[Lisa-Ruff N Tuff Minis]

ok here is my opinion.for now stop all contact. Both of these girls have seen and been thru way to much for there young years.

It is doing no good for them to see her and really no good for the mom to be able to come and go and party as she likes.

I think at this point the kids need to settle in, feel stable and not worry about it all being snatched away. a 10 year old really knows what is going on and if her gut is telling her not to go with her mom and not to see her then I say respect that.

Granted I know a bit more of the details but I can tell you this.. NO WAY NO HOW would any kid of mine or in my care be seeing her or the dad while they are still on drugs

I am not one to say mom is a hero for signing over the kids, she wanted to be able to live her life and party and do things without worry.

If she wants to see them and you want her to hit bottom.. she has to really feel the pain and reality of losing it all and part of that is not being able to see those girls until she is clean

JMO

 

[FoRebel]

IMHO... Stopping contact for now might be a good idea. Let the girls settle in without the interference of the mother. After they settle in then maybe supervised visits for a couple hours (2-3 hours, if the girls can handle that.) at a time once a week would be a good start. I would deffinately talk to the kids' counselor about figuring out how to incorporate the mother back into their lives once she's gone through rehab and proven herself to be off the drugs. But this is something that you, your husband and the kids' couselor should decide on together.

As for the grandfather, open your house to him and tell him he can come see the girls if he accepts your terms. Give him the rules of the house, have him sign somthing stating that he understands them and document when he comes and leaves, make him "sign in" when he comes. Do this with the mother too! (Speaking from experience with my ex-husband with visitation with my son!)

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DOCUMENT EVERYTHING! ESPECIALLY VISITATIONS! It will help you if something ever happens and you have to go to court with the mother or father!

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Just my opinion!

 

[Teedee]

Thank you for you suggestions. It gives us something to think about. First and for most the girls are our first propriety. I have several worries that if we stop visits the abandonment issues will be worse than putting up with her visits and the lies she tells them and us. Do you think the girls will be able to form an opinion of what their mother really is? We NEVER say a bad word against mom but I don’t make excuses for her when she doesn’t call or visit or keep her promises.

Their mother is not a concern of mine or my husbands. She is choosing drugs over her three beautiful children. (They have a brother that lives with his father) The girls have no idea about the extent of their mother’s drug use although they know a lot more than we all give them credit for. Have any of you been raised by relatives and was it a good or bad experience?

Thanks again for you help

Tammi

 

[minisaremighty]

I agree with the others about supervised ONLY visits if you are going to continue to allow her to see them. Although, personally, I would not allow it for awhile. She is NOT a good influence.



[SIZE=18pt]Now, I have to add something else. I hope you realize what angels you and your husband are! You are to be highly commended for taking in these little girls. :aktion033: It's not uncommon anymore to have grandparents raise their own grandchildren because of the same circumstances, however these are not even your own grandchildren! You are definitely tops in my book and those little girls will thank you from the bottom of their hearts one day when they are old enough to realize what you have done for them.

: [/SIZE]

 

[Marylou]

One thing noone has commented on. She is collecting Social Security on those girls and should not be. It is probably going right into her habit.Also She is defrauding the gov't and stealing from her children. This may sound harsh but those girls must come first.

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[backwoodsnanny]

I was not raised by relatives but my husband was an aunt no drugs or anything just parents had financial difficulties that led to this arrangement. He had a wonderful home and will admit anyday that he was much better off than if he had been with his biological parents BUT he also has some issues with regard to being thrown away by the parents even now and he is in his 50's that said he wouldnt have traded where he was raised for anything. As for the supervised visits if the counselor is asking for this then this is what you should do in this state you can be guilty of endangerment if you do not follow through and require supervised visitation. I know this because one of my grandchildren had to have supervised visitation. My daughter was told that if she allowed the biological father to take her without supervision that she could be charged with endangerment. Obviously she never went with him after that. He came here and I supervised the visitation 3 hours a week. That lasted 3 weeks before he decided it wasnt worth it to him to have to come here to see her. He ultimately gave up all rights to his daughter and my son in law formally adopted her when she was 3. She is now 11 and does not see her father. Her biological grandparents have never asked to even see her. So they were NOT an issue and she is growing up well balanced and level headed at least for now. We shall see when she hits teenage. Best of luck with this and I too think you are an angel on earth for doing this.

 

[Marty]

I think you should:

1. Consult your lawyer. This could get ugly and the primary concern is to protect the kids.

I have recently found out that a very special girl that is very close to me, that doesn't have squat, is not getting her social security money. She goes without a lot of things that she should have. Her mother is

using the money for her purposes and this girl does without her basic needs and she doesn't see a dime of it. She is living in very bad conditions, but yet her mother gets $775. a month for her.

My boys also got a small Social Security allowance when Jerry retired for two years and it stops upon their 18th birthday, or graduation, which ever comes first. When Jerry came out of retirement to go back to work, the checks then cease.

Every single dime went to their needs, not their wants. Social Security is VERY clear on how a child's money is to be spent. I have had to keep receipts for all the money they sent the boys, and what it was spent on. At any given time, Social Security can DEMAND you to produce those reciepts. It can be used for clothing, school supplies, or in a bank account set up for them only. And when they check, those recepts had better be in order and they had better add up. There cannot be any spenditures for toys, or game boys, or videos, things like that at all. So this mother, had better produce some files.

You should contact the Social Security office, the one that is closet to you and bring your paper work. The check will then be issued directly to you for the children. This should be done immediately. And do be sure your lawyer knows all about this and everything that is going on. You should also document and keep good records of all visitations and their results

2. My boy is in counselling now unfortunately and has been, and I learned quickly how that works.

In my humble opinon, I would not make a move to do anything at all unless I consulted a counsellor.

Sometimes they have an edge and know more about a situation than we think they do even if they

are our own kids.

However, my common sense tells me that I would also want to stop the visits with the mother since she seems to keep them adgetated. I would get a professional opinion.

 

[Miniv]

Excellent Post, Marty!

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MA