Hi LB friends, my first born child will be leaving for college in a few short weeks. I've noticed as the time draws closer that my emotions are taking over. I am very short tempered with everyone and feel very restless in this transition time. I am extremely close with my child and this is going to be really different. So, if any of you have any tips or ideas of how to get through this with my mind still in tact I would be forever grateful.
When your children go off to college or move out........
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paintponylvr
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Is your child a daughter or a son? When you say close - how close? Do you do a lot together? How far away is the college? Do you have cell phones? Will your youngster compete in athletic or other events that you can attend?
Our middle daughter is attending Meredith College (a women's college) about an hour away from us. There are programs' available for the Mom's (and some for Dad's) that allow you to be involved with the students and/or you daughter. Our daughter and I chose not to do this - I didn't really have the time and she wanted a chance to spread her wings a bit. She's still very involved at home - coming home on some weekends and on all school breaks. She's not a partier and when at home on extended breaks, has a part or full time job. For her first two years at school - she didn't work nor did she have her own car and was VERY involved in extra curricular programs in the College (karate, performing w/ aquabatics ? swimteam, performing in plays, managing the costume shop - she's a theatre major). Now she's living with her fiancé and may be getting both a car and keeping the job she started this summer - we'll see.
Me - I seemed to be VERY different... After having the full care of all three often by myself while my hubby was active duty and then as a civilian that was overseas w/o his family, I have enjoyed "my" freedom from some of the care and responsibility. I was able to maintain doing some things with each of our daughters, but not anywhere near what we had when they were at home. We all enjoy it that way!
Our oldest lived at home while she was going thru a local community school program, moved out when she was pregnant and first had her daughter and then moved back in with the baby and her boyfriend (that was rough - 'nuff said). They were able to get their own place and that was better for all involved - though, in a bad situation, we'd still take them back in.
Our youngest started going to ITT for Electronics Engineering (computer) the day after she graduated High School while living at home. Then she found a job - a good one! - not far from where she was attending school and an apartment opened up that she was able to take over the lease on. She moved out - at the youngest age of 17. Due to her schedule - we rarely saw her and had little to no inkling that she was having major problems w/ the lease (I had worried, but hubby and daughter assured me everything was good - he saw her more than I did as her school and work was on the way to/from work for him). She came to me recently, just about in tears, and asked if she could move back in. The room mate "thing" hadn't worked out and she simply couldn't afford the rent along with the payments on her new SUV (new to her) and insurance/gas and had gotten behind and was being evicted... She was heartbroken and is still feeling like a failure but doing better. She's finished paying off the rent she'd been behind on, gotten a couple of other bills caught up and is now paying us rent plus occasionally helping out with the ponies again feeding & training (can't count on it, though). She graduated in June with honors and then moved up in the company - getting a permanent position with larger pay and more in line with what she was studying. She has learned, the hard way, that a vehicle needs to be maintained when she had a blow out on a major interstate July 4th weekend. We took care of the original problem, she's since gotten the other tires replaced and some other work done on her vehicle that needed attending and is getting the spare replaced this week. She starts paying for her school loans soon...
But they each return home - for family gatherings. Sometimes, they spend time with me with the ponies - but none has ever had the fascination that I do with everything equine. Don't know that any could set up and follow a feeding program on their own nor consistently train one that isn't already started. BUT they each are willing to step in and help out. They share interests with their father too, that has nothing to do with the ponies.
It's a relationship that works for all of us. Yes, at times I really miss them. But they are all three developing into beautiful young ladies and adults - inside and out - that we are both proud of. They are very active on FB (ick), and they are willing to keep in touch via phone calls and texting and we also get together with them. I've had a GREAT time going to places with the ponies and DO wish that the girls still came with me. My hubby and I were able to comfortably leave for 5 wonderful days by ourselves in Florida for our 25th wedding anniversary in June - the youngest stayed and cared for the animals inside, the oldest checked in, a friend took care of the ponies. As they've grown up, I've been able to go from being a stay at home mom, to working part time to working full time and back to working part time (& was laid off last fall, doing job interviews again now). My hubby and I enjoy watching a movie now and then that doesn't have to be "agreed upon" by everyone! We like our newly found shared time and are exploring a completely new relationship. At the same time, sometimes it DOES feel like I'm rattling around in a small but echoingly "empty" house...
Maybe you could discuss with yours how you feel? If your child allows you to - be involved with helping pick out some of the furnishing for the dorm room. Arrange time to get together and then ... take on something that is totally different from what you did with your youngster. OR if you really want to still be involved - get involved (or stay involved?) with the High School - the Drama Club, the JROTC program, Band, FFA or wherever they may need help, parental support. It's amazing how fulfilling that can be FOR YOU. And don't forget that you have other family members at home - sometimes that reduces some of the stress of the one that is leaving...
WOW, I've just given a huge & personal synopsis of our lives.... Hope it isn't TMI and that it helps out in your situation!!!
Our middle daughter is attending Meredith College (a women's college) about an hour away from us. There are programs' available for the Mom's (and some for Dad's) that allow you to be involved with the students and/or you daughter. Our daughter and I chose not to do this - I didn't really have the time and she wanted a chance to spread her wings a bit. She's still very involved at home - coming home on some weekends and on all school breaks. She's not a partier and when at home on extended breaks, has a part or full time job. For her first two years at school - she didn't work nor did she have her own car and was VERY involved in extra curricular programs in the College (karate, performing w/ aquabatics ? swimteam, performing in plays, managing the costume shop - she's a theatre major). Now she's living with her fiancé and may be getting both a car and keeping the job she started this summer - we'll see.
Me - I seemed to be VERY different... After having the full care of all three often by myself while my hubby was active duty and then as a civilian that was overseas w/o his family, I have enjoyed "my" freedom from some of the care and responsibility. I was able to maintain doing some things with each of our daughters, but not anywhere near what we had when they were at home. We all enjoy it that way!
Our oldest lived at home while she was going thru a local community school program, moved out when she was pregnant and first had her daughter and then moved back in with the baby and her boyfriend (that was rough - 'nuff said). They were able to get their own place and that was better for all involved - though, in a bad situation, we'd still take them back in.
Our youngest started going to ITT for Electronics Engineering (computer) the day after she graduated High School while living at home. Then she found a job - a good one! - not far from where she was attending school and an apartment opened up that she was able to take over the lease on. She moved out - at the youngest age of 17. Due to her schedule - we rarely saw her and had little to no inkling that she was having major problems w/ the lease (I had worried, but hubby and daughter assured me everything was good - he saw her more than I did as her school and work was on the way to/from work for him). She came to me recently, just about in tears, and asked if she could move back in. The room mate "thing" hadn't worked out and she simply couldn't afford the rent along with the payments on her new SUV (new to her) and insurance/gas and had gotten behind and was being evicted... She was heartbroken and is still feeling like a failure but doing better. She's finished paying off the rent she'd been behind on, gotten a couple of other bills caught up and is now paying us rent plus occasionally helping out with the ponies again feeding & training (can't count on it, though). She graduated in June with honors and then moved up in the company - getting a permanent position with larger pay and more in line with what she was studying. She has learned, the hard way, that a vehicle needs to be maintained when she had a blow out on a major interstate July 4th weekend. We took care of the original problem, she's since gotten the other tires replaced and some other work done on her vehicle that needed attending and is getting the spare replaced this week. She starts paying for her school loans soon...
But they each return home - for family gatherings. Sometimes, they spend time with me with the ponies - but none has ever had the fascination that I do with everything equine. Don't know that any could set up and follow a feeding program on their own nor consistently train one that isn't already started. BUT they each are willing to step in and help out. They share interests with their father too, that has nothing to do with the ponies.
It's a relationship that works for all of us. Yes, at times I really miss them. But they are all three developing into beautiful young ladies and adults - inside and out - that we are both proud of. They are very active on FB (ick), and they are willing to keep in touch via phone calls and texting and we also get together with them. I've had a GREAT time going to places with the ponies and DO wish that the girls still came with me. My hubby and I were able to comfortably leave for 5 wonderful days by ourselves in Florida for our 25th wedding anniversary in June - the youngest stayed and cared for the animals inside, the oldest checked in, a friend took care of the ponies. As they've grown up, I've been able to go from being a stay at home mom, to working part time to working full time and back to working part time (& was laid off last fall, doing job interviews again now). My hubby and I enjoy watching a movie now and then that doesn't have to be "agreed upon" by everyone! We like our newly found shared time and are exploring a completely new relationship. At the same time, sometimes it DOES feel like I'm rattling around in a small but echoingly "empty" house...
Maybe you could discuss with yours how you feel? If your child allows you to - be involved with helping pick out some of the furnishing for the dorm room. Arrange time to get together and then ... take on something that is totally different from what you did with your youngster. OR if you really want to still be involved - get involved (or stay involved?) with the High School - the Drama Club, the JROTC program, Band, FFA or wherever they may need help, parental support. It's amazing how fulfilling that can be FOR YOU. And don't forget that you have other family members at home - sometimes that reduces some of the stress of the one that is leaving...
WOW, I've just given a huge & personal synopsis of our lives.... Hope it isn't TMI and that it helps out in your situation!!!
Debby - LB
Admin / Mod
aw Debbie I'm sorry you are feeling sad about him leaving
It is hard to deal with the feelings when our children leave home. Knowing you I bet your son is a well adjusted young man who is looking forward to this part of his life, you just have to be happy in realizing that you and Mike did a good job.... and that he'll be back, remember that.
I guess the only advice I can give is for you to start by trying to put yourself in his shoes, get in a happy place and be a part of the preparations, spend time with him without letting him see your anxiety. Once he's gone you'll have time to reflect on it and be sad. My only experience with children leaving the nest is that he'll be back and bring more with him.
Paula it sounds like you have raised some good responsible girls. I know how hard it is to raise children alone while the husband is working away from home and the trials that brings.
I guess the only advice I can give is for you to start by trying to put yourself in his shoes, get in a happy place and be a part of the preparations, spend time with him without letting him see your anxiety. Once he's gone you'll have time to reflect on it and be sad. My only experience with children leaving the nest is that he'll be back and bring more with him.
Paula it sounds like you have raised some good responsible girls. I know how hard it is to raise children alone while the husband is working away from home and the trials that brings.
susanne
dB
While we don't have any kids (of the human kind, anyway), I remember leaving home for college as clear as if it were yesterday. While all my friends worried about being homesick, I was confident that I would feel no such thing. I had seen three older siblings leave move to in-state college towns and one brother stay home while attending a university in town, and I knew I was ready and willing. I gladly packed my belongings months before heading off for dorm life.
Then that morning arrived...
I awoke to my cat asleep on my feet and my mother telling me she was fixing my favorite food -- steak -- for my breakfast. Everything hit like a ton of bricks. I had to hide it, as that is simply how my family was and is, but I wanted to cry. I chose to ride in the back of the pickup truck so I could sob without my brothers knowing.
Once ensconced in my dorm, I called home frequently (this was before cell phones, and I had to go to the dorm lobby phone booth); for some reason, I became irrationally afraid that something would happen to my mom, and whenever I was told that I had a phone call from home, I was terrified that I would get bad news.
Eventually I relaxed a bit, although I did go home at least once a month on weekends. As the year went by and throughout my college years, I discovered the joy of getting to know my mother as an adult and from an independent point of view. Instead of "just" loving her as my mother, I came to appreciate the wonderful woman that she was. If I had lived at home while going to school, this would likely have taken much longer, no doubt with many battles. Instead of having to assert my independence, going away to college created a natural transition into adulthood.
This is a long way of saying that I have no doubt your son either is or will be feeling similar mood swings, even if he hides them, but the end result is so worthwhile. You're not losing your child, you're being introduced to your child as an adult -- spreading his wings, testing all that he has learned from you, growing and changing. But through all of the changes, he will always be your baby, and from that he'll draw his strength.
Then that morning arrived...
I awoke to my cat asleep on my feet and my mother telling me she was fixing my favorite food -- steak -- for my breakfast. Everything hit like a ton of bricks. I had to hide it, as that is simply how my family was and is, but I wanted to cry. I chose to ride in the back of the pickup truck so I could sob without my brothers knowing.
Once ensconced in my dorm, I called home frequently (this was before cell phones, and I had to go to the dorm lobby phone booth); for some reason, I became irrationally afraid that something would happen to my mom, and whenever I was told that I had a phone call from home, I was terrified that I would get bad news.
Eventually I relaxed a bit, although I did go home at least once a month on weekends. As the year went by and throughout my college years, I discovered the joy of getting to know my mother as an adult and from an independent point of view. Instead of "just" loving her as my mother, I came to appreciate the wonderful woman that she was. If I had lived at home while going to school, this would likely have taken much longer, no doubt with many battles. Instead of having to assert my independence, going away to college created a natural transition into adulthood.
This is a long way of saying that I have no doubt your son either is or will be feeling similar mood swings, even if he hides them, but the end result is so worthwhile. You're not losing your child, you're being introduced to your child as an adult -- spreading his wings, testing all that he has learned from you, growing and changing. But through all of the changes, he will always be your baby, and from that he'll draw his strength.
Thank you so much everybody. I read all the replies earlier but was on my tiny iPhone and that's hard to type on. I really appreciate everyone sharing their feelings and it has helped me just knowing that I will get through it. Susanne, you are so right that they go off to college as a kid and come back as an adult. I know it's time for her to spread her wings. Yes, it's my daughter Sydney that is going off to college but my son is only two years behind her. Today, we went and bought sheets, towels, wash clothes, trunks, storage bins, school supplies, etc. etc. and for some reason that has helped me. I'm not sure why but I'm not going to question it. I just keep telling myself that it will be better in college than it was in high school. She was a good kid and that's not always popular. Again, thanks to all for sharing and Paula someday I hope to be able to have that feeling where it's nice to have a little freedom and not all the responsibilities a parent has when your kids are young. I totally get where that could be a good thing. 
Debby - LB
Admin / Mod
lol sorry Deb I don't know why but I thought John George was the oldest! I have no idea why because now it's obvious that I knew Sydney is. I guess with my diet my mind is going... i really apologize
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wingnut
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{{{ hugs }}} I was in your shoes this time last year. The beauty of having a college-age child in this day and age is that it is *so* easy to stay in touch. I think I actually communicated MORE with my daughter during her first semester than before she went away! LOL! She texted me often about things she knew I'd find funny and called at least once a day, usually while walking between classes or when she had a few minutes of downtime and no one else was around to talk to. It certainly made her being away a lot easier to handle. And it is amazing how fast time flies and they're back for their fall break, then Thanksgiving and then the semester is over and you still have a week or two before Christmas comes around!
Having other kids in the house helps with that time thing too. And we found that it was actually calmer and quieter in our house which we didn't expect. My husband, son (15) and I came to really enjoy that serenity, LOL! We didn't even realize how much the dynamic had changed until she returned home for that first break for 4 days.
Let yourself cry, try to reign in that short tempered-ness and recognize these are all normal emotions. Nothing to be ashamed of or to try and fight too hard.
How far away will she be? Mine is only 90 minutes (less now that we know the drive so well) away which is a perfect distance for all of us.
Having other kids in the house helps with that time thing too. And we found that it was actually calmer and quieter in our house which we didn't expect. My husband, son (15) and I came to really enjoy that serenity, LOL! We didn't even realize how much the dynamic had changed until she returned home for that first break for 4 days.
Let yourself cry, try to reign in that short tempered-ness and recognize these are all normal emotions. Nothing to be ashamed of or to try and fight too hard.
How far away will she be? Mine is only 90 minutes (less now that we know the drive so well) away which is a perfect distance for all of us.
Aww, thanks Joy! I really appreciate your post. My daughter will only be an hour away so that's good and I agree about it being very easy to stay connected in today's tech world. We have iPhones so we can "facetime" and actually see each other and I'm sure she will text and call often. For now, I seemed to have stopped crying and my short temper seems to be dissipating. A close friend of mine told me that this is the hardest time (the summer before they leave) and once she get's there it will actually be easier and I really do think there is truth in that statement.
Again, thanks to all. I love my LB friends.
Again, thanks to all. I love my LB friends.
HELICOPTER MOM HERE!
When Daniel announced he was moving out the first time I lost my mind. And when he told me it was over some girl he just met I really lost my mind. I begged him not to go, cried like a baby all the way out to the truck trying to convince him this was wrong on every level. He wasn't ready and she was not the girl for him. Mother's know these things! He actually quit coming over and calling me because every time he did I'd start crying and begging him to come back home. He was going to crash and burn and that he did. In less than two months, he was back. Boy was I ever doing the happy dance! Actually he was hiding the fact that there was a problem and he didn't have any intentions of letting me find out but I have my ways like any self respecting helicopter mom does and told him he was coming back NOW!
Two years later he announced he was moving out and I was happy!!!!!!!! Because this time it was for the right girl and it was the right time and he was ready to accept the responsibilites. Sure I cried for the few few hours, ok, days, ok weeks, but I wasn't really upset because it was "right and good". And hey, I got a grandbaby out of the deal! Dan and I are now closer than we ever have been before if that's possible. He actually told me he appreciated me and reminds me all the time now of what a good mom I've always been. That's priceless.
When Daniel announced he was moving out the first time I lost my mind. And when he told me it was over some girl he just met I really lost my mind. I begged him not to go, cried like a baby all the way out to the truck trying to convince him this was wrong on every level. He wasn't ready and she was not the girl for him. Mother's know these things! He actually quit coming over and calling me because every time he did I'd start crying and begging him to come back home. He was going to crash and burn and that he did. In less than two months, he was back. Boy was I ever doing the happy dance! Actually he was hiding the fact that there was a problem and he didn't have any intentions of letting me find out but I have my ways like any self respecting helicopter mom does and told him he was coming back NOW!
Two years later he announced he was moving out and I was happy!!!!!!!! Because this time it was for the right girl and it was the right time and he was ready to accept the responsibilites. Sure I cried for the few few hours, ok, days, ok weeks, but I wasn't really upset because it was "right and good". And hey, I got a grandbaby out of the deal! Dan and I are now closer than we ever have been before if that's possible. He actually told me he appreciated me and reminds me all the time now of what a good mom I've always been. That's priceless.
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paintponylvr
Well-Known Member
Good to hear that things are a little better.
Well, we had two "tear jerkers" recently (happy tears!!).
Recently, middle daughter, Madira, came to me and said " Wow, mom, I used to get so so mad at you and dad. You "made" us work for you! When we wanted something, you didn't just go out and get it for us - but expected us to do extra chores and then to take care of what ever we got - and sometimes I really "hated" you for all that. We've got the chance to go on this "trip" with other family, it's already paid for but we weren't originally asked and were just told we were going and that we owed for this trip (referring to the cruise w/ her fiancé's family - it is a "pricey" trip especially with the money that she's spending on her 3rd year in college). I just never really appreciated how/what you and Dad did for us! Thank you for all that you've done..."
OMG. I almost flooded the car that wasn't ours!
Then yesterday, we met for breakfast with the youngest and the oldest (they were carpooling returning from work and we'd just bombed the house for fleas and treated the dogs and cats so we weren't going to be home for a couple of hours). We had a ball - discussing some different things - work related and tv and book related and then on to possible upgrades via sci-fi stuff...(talking about the future vs the past and how development, IOO have slowed due to everything "techy" we have now vs how those things came about ...) Our joking camaraderie was punctuated with friendly debate and lots of laughter. Occasionally, we had other tables looking over and usually they would smile as we all laughed. AS we left and paid our bill, we had not one but several other customers ask us if we were friends and they were SO SURPRISED when we said "no, they are our daughters". One of the managers mentioned that it was so awesome that we had such intelligent and "in the know" children that could carry conversations with their family w/o arguing (it was a proud moment, yes, but little did she know that we are still a family with all the other arguments, too!)...
You'll find that your family continually evolves as the dynamics change. Some can be painful (growing pains, so to speak) and some are so proudful as to be painful (hehehehehehe)...
Well, we had two "tear jerkers" recently (happy tears!!).
Recently, middle daughter, Madira, came to me and said " Wow, mom, I used to get so so mad at you and dad. You "made" us work for you! When we wanted something, you didn't just go out and get it for us - but expected us to do extra chores and then to take care of what ever we got - and sometimes I really "hated" you for all that. We've got the chance to go on this "trip" with other family, it's already paid for but we weren't originally asked and were just told we were going and that we owed for this trip (referring to the cruise w/ her fiancé's family - it is a "pricey" trip especially with the money that she's spending on her 3rd year in college). I just never really appreciated how/what you and Dad did for us! Thank you for all that you've done..."
OMG. I almost flooded the car that wasn't ours!
Then yesterday, we met for breakfast with the youngest and the oldest (they were carpooling returning from work and we'd just bombed the house for fleas and treated the dogs and cats so we weren't going to be home for a couple of hours). We had a ball - discussing some different things - work related and tv and book related and then on to possible upgrades via sci-fi stuff...(talking about the future vs the past and how development, IOO have slowed due to everything "techy" we have now vs how those things came about ...) Our joking camaraderie was punctuated with friendly debate and lots of laughter. Occasionally, we had other tables looking over and usually they would smile as we all laughed. AS we left and paid our bill, we had not one but several other customers ask us if we were friends and they were SO SURPRISED when we said "no, they are our daughters". One of the managers mentioned that it was so awesome that we had such intelligent and "in the know" children that could carry conversations with their family w/o arguing (it was a proud moment, yes, but little did she know that we are still a family with all the other arguments, too!)...
You'll find that your family continually evolves as the dynamics change. Some can be painful (growing pains, so to speak) and some are so proudful as to be painful (hehehehehehe)...
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