Relationship advice

[heartkranch]

We've been living together for 3 months. It's been well "rocky"..

He lived in a big city all his life so moving to a smaller town has been an adjustment for him. I've learned A LOT! He's a good guy, a bit immature and a whole lot of conceited.

This isn't my first time to move out so I know how it goes, it's his first time away from mommy.

First month, he was really distant when he wanted to say something. Then when he was mad about something his mom was doing, or work was making him mad. I couldn't figure out what to do, and I pushed him to talk which made things blow up. He started crying one night because I said I couldn't handle this. Then leaves in his car, and not quietly, I call his friend to calm him down, I walked down to the garage and we talked for an hour. He ended up crying saying he loves me and wants this forever.

Now, getting to 3 months. When he's mad about something if he tells me not to worry about it, or if he acts grumpy. I ask what's wrong once, and after that I ignore it. He is one of those that trys to tick you off if he's mad about something, and knows how to add gas to the fire. That's HARD for me to ignore.

Well we fight less and less. But one thing I'm having a big problem with is that he's still all about himself.

He's sweet when he wants to be. I cook dinner, clean, and do whatever. We watch movies when I'm home, I end up giving a back massage for atleast half the movie. When I ask about a back massage it ends up being 5 minutes long then a 10 minutes about how I would look if I got skinnier. I want to be skinney but it's not going to happen over night. I call if I'm at walmart to see if he needs anything before I leave there, and if I'm grabbing fast food I'll call. I wash our clothes together, and usually hang them up, and basically do whatever I can for him.

Now him, he'll clean up "his" mess when he's tired of seeing stuff sit around, when the clothes are folded, does he put up mine? Negative, after I do the washing for both of us. Does he wash dishes after I cook everything? NO, they are cleaned the next day by me so I can cook us food the next day.

Me and his best friend (the girl I talked about the last time) have turned into good friends. She's been coming over about 3 times a week. Well about two weeks ago the bf would go to sleep because he didn't feel good or blah blah blah. We were outside taking about 2 weeks ago, and the next day he basically tickes her off to the point that she blocked him and me. We didn't say anything bad either. Guess he thought she was going to say something. When I ask about it he said he overreacted, and he's sorry.

Now if I try to talk to him about the we instead of I. He goes he's never had that before, and I shouldn't be a mom to him and he's grown he can take of himself. Which btw he refuses to talk to his mom because of her "stupidity". He's learning the budgeting thing and hates it. But he said he's really liking it and getting use to the non city life.

Well last night I didn't clean up, I get home from riding around 8 and the whole apt is clean, and he's peeved. I told him thats what I have to do basically everynight. He said if he needs to he'll start cleaning because he hates stuff laying around.

Is this a normal thing to be first moving out? I really like how he had to understand what I do before he gets home.Any opinions? Or am I dealing with someone thats having to grow up? I'm 23 and he's 22. If that helps

 

[Magic]

After seeing how immature my daughters' boyfriends were, I'd have to say that this is normal. Also, moving out and not having "Mommy" to take care of you is a huge adjustment. If he IS making those adjustments and gradually getting better at helping out with housework and doing nice things for you, then there's hope. Some people never do really grow up emotionally. And remember that males do tend to mature more slowly than females in the "nesting" category.

When my husband and I got married we were very young, and I made sure not to do everything for him. "Start as you mean to go on". I taught him how to wash his own laundry, that was an excellent thing! I also told him that cooking a big meal and then washing up afterward was too tiring so if he was willing to wash dishes then I was willing to cook. Worked great. Your boyfriend says he doesn't want you to "mother" him, so don't. Make him pull his own weight.

The thing that concerns me is his contempt for his mother. There's a saying that a man will treat his wife the way he treats his mom. Unless she was abusive or something, I'd see the bad relationship with him and his mother as a red flag.

 

[heartkranch]

There's a saying that a man will treat his wife the way he treats his mom. Unless she was abusive or something, I'd see the bad relationship with him and his mother as a red flag.

There is a lot that he's told me and only me. She screwed up a lot but we all do. She was abusive when he was little and turned her head while certain unforgivable things were happening during his parents divoice. There is one BIG thing he blames her for and thats his right no matter how I think he should react to it. I understand the way he acts towards her. Esp when she does pester him and bugs him over stupid silly things still.

its getting better, including our relationship, just when we argue it feels worst but also there is a lot more time inbetween our arguments.

 

[JaniceZ]

I'm almost 20 and Moved out of my parents house when I was 18 for school. The first year I lived in a dorm, so no dishes or cooking, but my room was a mess. I often didn't have clean laundry and couldn't find things in the piles of stuff. I hate mess, but I think I was so used to my mom cleaning up after me it took a while to adjust to doing things, like cleaning for myself. Now I live in a student house with 5 other girls. My room is still messy, but cleaner, and I dont loose things anymore. I still cant seem to coordinate myself enough to cook 'real food', but I wait until Im so hungry I have to eat something right away.

Anyways, I think its a maturity thing. especially for people like me who had a mom/adult that did every thing for them in the past.

 

[hobbyhorse23]

I'll second what Janice said. I've always been a messy person in the sense that I live with stacks of junk, but I always know where everything is and never let things like dirty laundry or old food or things that could get stinky or attract bugs sit around. I'm just a pack rat! But when I moved out for college the girls I ended up living with all came from large Christian families (I'm an only child) and were used to pitching in with lots of housework. I didn't mean for them to do my dishes, but I'd leave them on the counter to do "in a little while" and I'd come back to find them done. For my roommates it was aggravating to leave them sitting there so they just did them and then got mad about it, which I couldn't understand.

By the end of the school year we were ready to kill each other! They felt I never pitched in and in my mind, coming from a household where things got cleaned only when they really needed it instead of on a certain day of the week, they were fanatical about cleaning and didn't have a whole lot of right to get mad at me for not joining them in their perceived mania. After all, I was always careful to clean up my own messes (spilled stuff, hair on the sink, etc.) as soon as I made them so I wasn't contributing, was I?

Now obviously there were more mature ways for us (especially me) to have handled that, but the point is that we all come from our own backgrounds and the first time we move in with someone it's really hard to learn to combine those two sets of unconscious expectations about how things will be. It's even harder when you're used to things just magically getting done and it keeps happening with your new roommates, only it isn't their job like maybe your mom seemed to think it was hers. I often wished my roommates would just leave my stuff for me to do as I truly wanted to learn to do it but needed to ease into it in my own way and the way things kept magically vanishing made it difficult. Funny thing- my mom still does most of the housework around here years later because she and Dad have it down to a smooth science after all these years and it's so easy for me to "stay out of their way." Not cool! But when they leave for a trip or something I find I automatically start taking out the trash, wiping down the kitchen counters, doing dishes, washing clothes and all the rest without any hesitation and actually enjoy it.

The moral? Do not do his stuff for him! You aren't doing him any favors and he needs time and space to learn to do those things for himself. Clean up your own messes and let his stuff sit around until he does it for himself. He can hardly be mad that he was forced to pick up his own junk mail and laundry off the floor! He's the one who left it there.

On the shared tasks like cooking and washing dishes and cleaning the bathroom, sit down and discuss it with him and make a plan. Talk about those unconscious expectations you each have (does the bathroom not getting cleaned once a week make someone a slob? Should dishes be done right after the meal or simply sometime before the next one is cooked?) and once you both understand how the other views things, start compromising. Don't nag him about his stuff but don't do it for him either. He'll figure it out.

Leia

 

[susanne]

I agree with not cleaning after him and discussing your mutual expectations and "deal breakers."

In a perfect world, everyone would move out of their parents' home and live on their own BEFORE entering into a lifetime commitment and learn how to take care of themselves. Things don't always work out that way, and then you need to retrofit.

One lifesaver for us has been our "just because" list. You each get a set number of things that the other will do without explanation or even agreement. You do it just because it's important to theone you love. One of mine is always locking the door even when we're both home indoors. It doesn't matter that he feels he can protect us -- I know that he slept through a huge fir tree falling on our roof, so he wouldn't hear if someone was coming in an unlocked door!

The BIG problem that I see is the issues he has with his mother. The anger and tears very during your disagreements likely stem from this. If not dealt with, this will affect his entire life. I would STRONGLY suggest he (or both of you) find a counselor with whom to discuss this.

One thing he could do now is to write a letter to his mother, outlining what happened and how it all affected him then and now --- Then forgive her. Even if he never mails it, putting it all into words and forgiving her will change his life.

 

[CharlesFamily]

I see some red flags here. If it was just about the cleaning up and stuff, I would definitely just chalk it up to maturity and his first time being on his own.

But the fact that you guys have only been living together for 3 months (not sure how long you were together before that) and you are both fighting so much to me does not bode well for the future.

From what you described, he never puts you or your feelings before his own. To me, that is not immaturity, it's a character flaw, and you can't go into a relationship thinking he will "change" and things will get better. Especially picking at you about being "skinnier." You must be more tolerant than me because I would have been long gone after about the first three things you listed.

Just my opinion. My husband and I have been married 16 years in August, and we've been together 18 years. I was 18 and he was 22 when we started dating. So I don't think you can attribute a lot of those things to just immaturity.

Barbara

 

[Magic]

From what you described, he never puts you or your feelings before his own. To me, that is not immaturity, it's a character flaw, and you can't go into a relationship thinking he will "change" and things will get better. Especially picking at you about being "skinnier."

Oh boy, I had to go back and re-read the original post, I totally skimmed over that the first time. I wouldn't stand for that kind of criticism either. And I agree with Barbara, people don't really "change". They can make adjustments, IF THEY WANT TO. You can't make them, no way, no how. If you are happy with the relationship that you currently have, and both are willing to allow for personal growth, you've got a shot. If you live each day thinking that the two of you would be happy "if only", well, probably not.

I loved my husband without reservations when we were dating, and when we married, and though we had some (very) tough times, we made it through and I love him even more now. Our two daughters are grown and on their own. I tell ya what though, if HE had told ME that I oughtta be skinnier, at ANY point, he would have been awfully sorry.

 

[mydaddysjag]

Your living with my husbands clone, run while you can. I passed it off as him being young and immature, well, here we are four years later with a baby, and its still the same crap. He'll pick up his slack if I really get on him (which causes a blow out fight) but within a week its the same crap again. I have to ride his butt to get anything done and be the mean wife, or live in a pig pen. Then he had the nerve to ask me what I do all day when I wouldnt pack his lunch today. Well Buddy, in the last 24 hours Ive washed, dried, and folded 4 loads of laundry, made two meat loafs, scrubbed the bathroom, did two sink loads of dishes (the ones he promised to do) cleaned out the fridge, fed the baby every 2 hours, changed diapers, bathed the baby, fed and walked the dog, got the babys stuff ready for the sitter, then went to work.

 

[disneyhorse]

The "other person" you date/marry/spend time with should enhance your life, not ever bring you strife or frustration. If they DO bring some sort of conflict they should immediately be interested in working out some sort of compromise! Otherwise, if not, you're better off without/ with someone else.

My husband has been nothing but 100% honest, sensitive, and caring since the day I met him. Actually, we were friends for years before we "got together" and he was a good guy all-around since then, too.

I haven't read any of your post or the other posts, but that's where I come from...

Andrea

 

[Marty]

I think he is imature and selfish and you cannot change him.

I'd be packing up his stuff for him in a heartbeat.

 

[weebiscuit]

You didn't say whether or not he had a job or if you are paying the rent on your own. Does he help out financially?

Relationships are never easy. He does sound very immature, but by the early twenties I would think that a man could start to handle some of the minor crises in his life with a little bit more maturity.

Like another person said, the relationship with his mother could be something that will stay with him his entire life, and it could cause deeper emotional problems down the road. My circumstance was that my father was an alcoholic and just a horrid, horrid person. He was terribly abusive to my mother. One time he got mad at her and took her beloved french poodle out in the yard and shot it. He was that cruel of a person. My brother, sister, and I grew up in a terribly screwed up home. My mother was terrified of him all the time, as were we. And, it carried over into my adulthood. I had a lot of problems with insecurity and low self-esteem. I married when I was 21, my husband was 26, and thankfully he came from a totally well-adjusted and loving home. I carried a lot of baggage into the marriage, and it wasn't until I was 35 that I finally picked myself up by the bootstraps and said to myself, "Enough is enough! I have a wonderful husband and three wonderful kids, and I'm not going to let that man destroy my entire life." You see, he was still making me miserable, but I finally got up the courage to stand up to him instead of letting him brow-beat me down, and I even told him once when he and mom were at my house when he called her a "stupid pollack who couldn't tell her @ss from a hole in the ground" that I would not allow him to ever talk to my mother like that in my home, and I told him to get out. From that time on, I seemed to gain the emotional maturity I lacked before, and the last 25 years have been good!

So, there might definitely be something deeper going on between him and his mother and it could very well cloud his life in such a way that he will be emotionally unstable well into adulthood if the matter isn't dealt with now.

I guess the real question is: Do you love him enough to work through it all? If you don't have that passion and love for him that is necessary for a strong relationship, then maybe it's better to bail on it now, before you become a victim.

 

[Mominis]

Trust me on this, they don't grow up until their mid-30's.

 

[ohmt]

I am 21 and my boyfriend of 3 years just turned 21 as well. We have lived with each other for over a year. I can tell you this, if my boyfriend ever did the things your boyfriend is doing, he would be gone in a heartbeat. Not ALL men are immature in their 20's-at least not to that extent. There are many many amazing guys out there who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. Why put yourself in such a stressful environment? I grew up with a mother who had the mentality that she could fix the flaws in her boyfriends eventually. WRONG. It just doesn't work that way. Fighting is natural-being in a relationship where you give every day and all your boyfriend does is take is not. You are in a relationship so should be working together and you shouldn't have to remind him. That's just my two cents. It sounds like you deserve better.

 

[kaykay]

You definitely deserve better but if you are willing to put up with it he will be willing to give you less than you deserve.

Expect more and youll get more.

There is always a breaking in period when people move in together and get used to each others ways, but this is beyond that.

You are not his mother and that is a road you do not want to go down.

 

[heartkranch]

I told him a couple of days ago. If this is going to stay "us", then you need to get your butt in gear, because mine is halfway out the door. He was saying something about laundry and I had a bad day at work, so I finally unloaded on him, which I never do. Told him to stfu about my weight, if he has a problem then bye, if he has a problem how I have the clothes BYE, and everything else

I left and went to work the horses, I came home REALLY late, like 11. I came home to everything clean, all laundry, all dishes, extra set of sheets cleaned, everything dusted. He was in the room sleeping. I took a shower, noticed he cleaned the not so dirty bathroom.

Freaked me out a bit, walked to the back balcony and it was swept.

I went to lay down and he woke up and said all the I'm sorrys, blah blah blahs. He said he was sorry and forgets that I'm not there as much as him, and he'll start helping out. I said "let's see how long this last's", he said he would be better.

Cooked dinner last night, he washed clothes while I cooked and did the dishes while I was in the shower. Guess scaring him did a number. He said last night that he gives me a hard time about my weight because he has problems losing his.

I told him if he wants to mention weight then mention coming to work out because I'm all for it. Then this morning I weight 129.2, So I'm really happy!

I really just think he trys to take out frustrations about everything on me, and he said he does without realizing it. He asked if I wanted to go to dinner and a movie tonight. Then Saturday he would help build a few more stalls.

 

[mydaddysjag]

129lbs? Heck girl, your skinny. Im 180 and my husband better not DARE say a word about it. I can talk about my weight all I want, but its an off limits area for him to talk about it